30. Chapter Thirty
Katie’s stomach gurgled fitfully as she got ready for church in the morning. The temptation to stay home tugged at her, but that would only make things worse. After all, she didn’t have a legitimate excuse to give.
Waiting until the very last minute, she walked over to the Harts’ like she did every Sunday, weather permitting. Ethan met her as he came down the porch steps, his parents and Becca behind him. He greeted her with a smile, and she could almost convince herself that everything was fine, but she still sensed a weird vibe between them.
It lingered throughout the service and during lunch, though she doubted anyone else would have been able to tell. They all gathered at the edge of the lake after eating. Ethan spent a lot of time playing with the kids, which wasn’t unusual, but she had a sinking feeling he did it to avoid her. Maybe she was just paranoid and overthinking it, but even Becca was quieter than usual. Had she and Ethan spoken about things last night? Was she unhappy that Katie felt things for her brother she’d never expected to feel?
When Katie returned home that evening, the tension she’d carried around all day had given her a headache. A headache that persisted into Monday morning. Sitting on the edge of her bed, all she wanted to do was crawl back under the covers and cry.
Her phone chimed, and she groaned as she read Drew’s good morning text. She was a terrible person. She hadn’t meant to develop feelings for Ethan, but that wouldn’t keep Drew from being hurt. How could one evening have messed everything up so badly? It was hard to see the situation resolving without her losing one of them, if not both. A tear rolled down her cheek as she texted Drew as if everything was normal, feeling like a traitor.
She then looked at O’Malley, who was watching her from the foot of the bed. “I don’t know what to do.”
The cat pushed to his feet, stretched, and walked over to her, bumping his head into her arm.
“Thanks, buddy.” She sniffed, a couple more tears falling, before she forced herself to get up.
As usual, she took her Bible and coffee to the porch, hoping to find comfort and direction. Mostly, she found herself replaying the moments after the dance and the awkwardness yesterday as she had done so many times already. Every time she tried to refocus on the pages of her Bible, her mind would wander again.
The uncertainty of how things would play out ate at her. She hadn’t meant to make everything so complicated. The one thing she knew was that she couldn’t lose Ethan or her relationship with the Harts. Not after losing Grandma. She’d do whatever it took to eradicate her feelings; she just needed her best friend back.
Faintly, she caught the echo of a table saw. Such noises had become the norm over the last few weeks, typically bringing her happiness to think of Ethan working so close by. Today, it caused her chest to ache but also prompted her to take action.
She closed her Bible and left the porch, though she’d barely read an entire chapter. Her heart thudded against her ribs as she followed the path to the Harts’. She wasn’t sure what her plan was; she just knew she needed to do something.
The sounds of woodworking drew her to the shop, where Ethan had the overhead door open. She stepped tentatively inside and found him standing at a workbench. A little sawdust had collected on his jeans and worn gray t-shirt. Why had her rebellious heart decided to desire more than friendship and risk everything?
She cleared her throat, and his gaze darted up, registering surprise. Then his brows sunk in a frown. “Katie, is everything all right?”
She nodded quickly. “Yes, everything is fine.” Liar.
She stepped farther into the shop, her stomach a bundle of nerves. She drew a deep breath to try to settle it. “I was just reading…and thinking. I heard you working and thought I’d walk over here quick.” She cleared her throat, despising the awkwardness. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be with him. “I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me since Grandma died. I don’t know if I could have done it without you. You’re my best friend, Ethan. Your friendship has gotten me through the worst times of my life and means so much to me. I hope that never changes.”
She held her breath but found his expression impossible to read. A heartbeat of silence echoed in her ears before he spoke.
“It won’t, I promise. You’re my best friend too. I’ll always be here for you when you need me.”
The conviction in his voice encouraged her, though only time would tell if the distance between them had healed. She forced a smile, her stomach refusing to unwind. After all, she still had work to do on her feelings.
“I guess I better go back and get to work on something. I just needed to clear my head.”
He flashed her a quick smile and nod, and she turned to walk out of the shop.
So that was that then. Ethan braced himself against his workbench and released a long sigh. He’d already known what the outcome would be, so why did he feel like someone had stabbed him in the chest? For having received no physical injury, the pain was shockingly real. He dragged in a breath despite how it hurt. He shouldn’t be reacting so strongly. This was exactly how he knew it would always be. But, despite his own admonitions against it, he’d foolishly let the smallest seed of hope take root. Now, it had been ripped out.
Footsteps approached, and his heart lurched. He scrambled to school his expression. He couldn’t let Katie see how disappointed he was. But Becca entered instead, dressed for work.
She scanned the shop. “Hey, I thought Katie was here. I was going to say hi on my way out.”
“She just left.” He swallowed hard against the lingering pain. “She just wanted to tell me how much my friendship means to her and how she doesn’t want it to change.”
Her brows lifted in shock before dipping. “Oh.”
He gave her a pained smile. “Yeah.”
“Ethan, I’m sorry…”
He shook his head. She shouldn’t feel sorry. He’d brought this on himself. “No, this is good. Maybe I can finally move on. I’ll love her as my friend, and that’s all.” That he’d even let himself feel as deeply as he had at the wedding had already gone against everything he knew was wise. Katie was still with Drew, and he should never have let himself contemplate something other than friendship between them. Should never have put himself in the position to hope.
Becca gave him a sad look that only made him feel worse. “I wish there was a way you could protect your friendship and still be honest because I feel there are things on your part that will always be left unsaid.”
“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. If she’s happy, I’m happy.” He could be happy with a broken heart, right? This kind of thing happened all the time. Just look what he’d done to Anna. Now, it was his turn to face rejection.
He worked right through lunch. Only when it was time he usually went to work on Katie’s shelves did he pause. He grabbed his phone, agonizing for a long moment. What should he even say? As hard as he’d been fighting them all day, the emotions were still too raw. He needed to get a better handle on them before they could casually hang out again. Finally, he typed a quick text that he had a project he needed to finish and couldn’t work on the shelves today.
A few seconds later, the indication popped up that she was texting back. His stomach twisted. Three words appeared on his screen.
Okay. That’s fine.
He stared at the words, trying to decipher what tone they might convey. Of course, this was impossible, so he laid his phone aside and threw himself back into work. At the rate he was going, he really would finish the cabinet he’d started this morning.
Some hours later, his stomach growled, letting him know evening had drawn in. He ignored it at first, but then his phone dinged again, this time from Mom.
Are you coming in when you’re done? I’m making lasagna.
Ethan winced. He wasn’t in the mood for a family supper tonight. Mom would take one look at him and know something was wrong no matter how good an act he put on. He deeply loved her concern and care, but no one could fix this. Only time would help, and tonight, he’d rather deal with it alone.
He texted that he was tired and would call it an early night. Leaving the rest of his work for tomorrow, he turned off all the lights in the shop, closed the doors, and trudged toward the cabin. His thoughts wandered aimlessly along the way. He tried to pray but wasn’t sure what to even pray for.
Inside, he cleaned up and put a frozen pizza in the oven. It tasted even more like cardboard than usual, considering he could have eaten Mom’s lasagna and garlic bread. No amount of powdered Parmesan could improve the taste. Two slices in, he threw the rest into a container and into the fridge, where it would probably mold, before sinking down in front of the TV. He flipped through the channels, never satisfied with one for long. Eventually, it just got frustrating, and he shut it off.
Sitting in the quiet cabin, he looked around. His gaze settled on the guitar his parents had bought him for Christmas after he’d finally learned to play. He pushed to his feet, grabbed it, and walked outside, where he sat on the porch swing. Sighing, he strummed the strings, the motions soothing and about as good a therapy as anything.
He played through various songs he’d learned over the years, the sound mingling with the chirp of frogs from the lake’s edge. Usually, this was his favorite type of evening. If things were different, he would have enjoyed playing for his parents, Becca, and Katie around the fire or down on the dock. He just wanted to get back to that, somehow.
After he’d been playing a while, movement caught his eye. He paused as Becca approached the porch, Rosie trailing behind her. He should have expected her company tonight.
She climbed the steps. “Is it all right if I interrupt your moping?”
He made a face. “I’m not moping.”
“You are moping.”
“I’m reflecting. Moping implies I’m a child who didn’t get the candy bar he wanted.” It wasn’t a mental picture that made him feel any better.
She walked to the swing, and Ethan shifted his guitar to make room for her to sit. Rosie plopped down at their feet with a sigh.
“Well, I’d be moping if I were you. Actually, I’d probably be halfway through a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a box of tissues by now.”
Ethan’s stomach reacted hungrily, barely satisfied by the cardboard pizza. “The Ice Shack does sound good.”
He plucked a melancholy tune as they both sat silent for a long moment. Finally, he felt Becca’s gaze on him.
“Are you sure she meant she just wanted to be friends?”
He sighed, reliving the conversation for the thousandth time. “She stressed how much our friendship meant to her and that she never wanted it to change. I’m not sure how else to take that.”
Becca looked nearly as bummed as he was. He drew a deep breath, trying to be more optimistic. “I just need a couple of days to get over it. I’ll be fine.”
Easier said than done. Katie was the only woman he’d ever loved, and that love had only grown deeper over the last weeks. It would take longer than a couple of days for it to fade.
“Maybe I’m just meant to be alone.”
Becca tipped her head. “If that’s the case, then me even more so.”
“That’s not true.” She’d gone through a horrible experience and suffered greatly, but Ethan had no doubt she could still find love.
She gave him a pointed look. “Then it isn’t for you either.”
He wasn’t so sure. His situation was entirely different. “If I haven’t been able to get over my feelings for her in the last fifteen years, then I don’t know what another fifteen or fifty is going to do. And if I can’t move on, then there’s no way I can fully devote myself to anyone else. It’s exactly why I had to break things off with Anna. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone else.”
She didn’t seem to know what to say, and silence fell again. He watched her for a moment as different thoughts played across her face. The tension between him and Katie had preoccupied him yesterday, but he had noticed Becca seemed bothered.
“What’s wrong?”
She blew out a breath and sat as if debating whether to answer. “After church yesterday, Adam asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime.”
“What did you say?”
“I’d have to think about it.”
“Have you made up your mind yet?”
She winced, a clear struggle at play. “I think I’ll tell him no.”
“Why?” Considering his situation, he might not be the best one to give relationship advice, but she was his sister. He had to try to help her.
“I’m ashamed and embarrassed, and I can hardly stand it when he looks at me. He was on the mission field, serving God, while I was living and sleeping with a guy I never should have looked twice at.”
Ethan hated the pain and self-loathing in her voice. He’d hoped it had faded more by now, but he knew it was a process. “You know he’s not judging you. And neither is his family. We’ve known them our whole lives. Things happen. People make mistakes. You’ve taken responsibility for yours and have repented for it. I know it’s hard with what you’ve lost, but now you need to move forward.”
What she didn’t know was that Adam had struggled during a couple of those years he’d been away. But it wasn’t Ethan’s place to share what Adam had told him in confidence. Only Adam could tell her. “I think you should talk to him about it. You might be surprised by what he has to say.”
She made a face, not committing one way or another.
“You could just get coffee. It doesn’t have to be a date. Friends get coffee. See how you feel after that. If you still feel the same way, that can be the end of it. Adam won’t pursue you if you don’t want him to.”
“We’ll see.”
It was better than nothing. At least she had left the possibility on the table. Maybe, with more time, things would work out with them.
He shook his head to himself. “We’re a sad pair, aren’t we?”
Becca gave an unhappy laugh and leaned into his shoulder. “Yeah.”
Ethan just sat there for a moment before moving to get up. “I’ll get my keys.”
“Why?”
“To go get those pints of ice cream. Then we can sit down by the lake and mope together.”