Chapter 41
Emmy
“He left me,” I whisper.
“I know. Jessie called me,” Sloane murmurs, rubbing large circles on my back. She doesn’t stop, even as I quietly go to pieces in her lap.
When we arrive back at the flat, I collapse on the sofa.
The combination of adrenaline from the performance followed by the immediate emotional sledgehammer of Luke walking away from me has maxed out all my energy.
I feel boneless and not in a good way. I’ve barely managed to get my shoes off before Sloane thrusts a drink into my hand.
“It’s mostly gin,” she warns, as I take a big sip and hack out a cough and grimace.
“Right, let’s work out what you need tonight and what you need for the rest of the weekend.
If you want to start cussing him out and raging, I’m down for that.
If you want to weep into the cushions, I’ll get the tissues.
Or if you just want to go to sleep, I’ll gladly tuck you in myself. ”
I manage a small smile at my lovely, brilliant friend.
“Oh, I’ve already texted Chloe. She’ll be here in the morning. We’ve both cleared the deck so we can be here for you over the next few days,” she adds.
“You’re the best,” I reply, tears threatening to erupt all over again. “I think right now I should probably go to bed. But I really appreciate you both, especially as you only scraped me off the floor a few months ago too.”
“You got it, girl.”
I shuffle to my bedroom, the epitome of pathetic. I shut the door behind me and lean against it, my whole body vibrating like I’ve just been struck by lightning. My cheeks are still wet and my chest hurts so badly I press a palm flat against it, as if I can hold the crack closed.
Luke’s words replay in my head in an endless loop: What we have is a mistake. You deserve better. I can’t be the reason you and Nick fall out.
I want to scream. Instead, I cry until my face is blotchy and my chest aches. And then, because apparently, I’m a masochist even without Luke’s help, I fish out my phone.
No texts. No missed calls. Of course not. He’s already gone.
I type out a dozen messages and delete every single one. “Don’t do this.” “You’re wrong.” “We’re not a mistake.” My thumb hovers over send more than once. In the end, I toss the phone across the room and curl up on the floor, hugging my knees.
Eventually, I drag myself through the motions of brushing my teeth and taking my make up off, all the while sniffing and shuddering like a dying animal.
As I finally lie in my bed and stare up at the ceiling, one clear thought strikes me. This hurts way more than ending my marriage did.
I’m woken by the smell of coffee and a light tap on the door.
“Come in,” I call, sitting up and pushing my hair off my face. Chloe and Sloane materialise in my room a second later. Chloe’s features are drawn tight in concern but Sloane’s got a look of determination about her.
“Oh, darling,” Chloe says, rushing to my side and pulling me into her arms. Her familiar perfume wraps around me and I’m suddenly in danger of crying again.
“Here.” Sloane hands me a coffee and perches on the foot of the bed while Chloe practically climbs in beside me.
“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Chloe asks softly.
I stare into my cup for a long beat, watching the steam unfurl into the air.
“Nick found out about Luke and me. In the worst possible way.” I swallow and try to summon the strength to recount what happened.
“Luke’s Friday night stage act pulled out and Jessie asked him to step in, which he’s done before.
Long story short, we ended up together on stage doing a Shibari demonstration and Nick chose that moment for his first ever visit to Salt.
I still have no fucking idea what he was doing there. ”
Their faces are twin pictures of shock.
“We are coming back to the Shibari demo, because that sounds insanely fucking hot,” interjects Sloane while Chloe throws her a glare.
“Nick stormed off, Luke went after him, Jessie had to cut me out of the ropes, and I found them two streets away, Nick tearing into him.”
“Oh honey.” Chloe squeezes my thigh through the duvet and I give her a sad smile.
“Nick was completely and utterly out of line. I get that he was shocked and upset – no one should have to see their sister naked on stage in bondage—”
Sloane snorts out a laugh that she quickly stifles.
“But the things he said to Luke were so awful. He tried to forbid us from seeing each other.”
“Oh my god, does he think you’re 12?” Sloane shakes her head in confusion.
“This has always been a challenge with Nick,” Chloe chimes in.
“He’s always been protective but he’s treating you like a kid.
It’s like now you’re not safely married to Colin the Cockwomble, he’s gone back into overprotective parent mode.
And you and Colin got married so young that he doesn’t know how to be a brother to you rather than a parent when it comes to dating. ”
“You’re right, but I’m thirty fucking two now. He’s got to move on and recognise that my sex life has nothing to do with him.”
“It’s not just sex though, is it?” Sloane asks, levelling me with a look.
“No, it’s not just sex. But we didn’t get around to having the conversation to decide what it was.
We’ve been dancing around the subject for weeks.
And when Nick cornered him with all these horrible accusations, Luke basically fled the scene.
He said I’m too good for him and that he cannot be the thing that wrecks mine and Nick’s relationship. ”
Chloe’s eyes flash with anger. “What an absolute penis.”
“We can definitely agree he’s not handled this well,” Sloane muses. “But perhaps there’s something deeper at play here? He clearly doesn’t think he’s allowed to have nice things. I’d say he’s got a problem with self-worth, which is a him problem and not a you problem.”
“I always forget you’re training to be a psychologist,” Chloe says, grinning at Sloane. “You’re adding a lot more insight than me here.”
I huff out a humourless laugh. “So, what now? He walked away from me. He didn’t have the courage to stand up to my brother or to fight for me. I am so hurt and angry at both of them that I can barely think straight.”
Chloe tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “You deserve someone who will crawl over broken glass to be with you, not someone who bolts the second there’s a row.”
Sloane’s voice is gentler now. “I think he bolted because he thinks he’s poison, not because he doesn’t want you.”
“That doesn’t make it hurt any less,” I mutter.
They both fall quiet, and I sip my coffee.
Sloane tilts her head in thought. “Okay, so… Why does this hurt so much? And I think there’s a very big feeling that no one has named yet but I’d also like you to think more specifically about why you’re in so much pain.”
I let out a humourless laugh. “God, you really do sound like a therapist.”
“Good.” She grins. “Might mean I stand a chance of passing my exams. Now answer the question.”
I stare into my coffee as if it holds the answers. “He made me feel… alive. Not just because I basically saw God every time I had an orgasm but in this deeper, scary way. It’s like I’d been walking through life half-asleep, and he switched the lights on.”
Chloe’s watching me closely. “You mean the kink stuff?”
I shrug. “Partly. It’s not just about the ropes or the paddles or the power games.
It’s about feeling seen. About trusting someone enough to give them the wheel and knowing they won’t crash you into a wall.
And it’s about” – I pause, swallowing hard – “finally feeling safe enough and sexy enough to ask for what I want and to give it in return.”
Sloane gives a small, sad smile. “So, you’re not just missing him, you’re missing how he made you feel when you were together. You’re missing the new you that he drew out of you.”
And that’s it. That’s the bruise I keep pressing on without realising. I nod, blinking hard. “Yeah. Exactly that.”
There’s a long pause where none of us quite knows what to say. Because where the fuck do you go when the man you’ve given your heart to has effectively tried to hand it back?
Sloane straightens. “Alright, let’s make a plan for today. We can wallow in ice cream and watch Steel Magnolias or we can go for bottomless brunch and then hit that bougie new sex shop in Notting Hill.”
Chloe lifts her hand. “I’d like to vote for option two, please.”
Sloane grins. “Excellent. There’s a dildo I’ve had my eye on that’s made of solid glass.”
Despite myself, I laugh. “Christ, you two are unhinged. Never change.”
“This weekend is all about you, babe,” Chloe says, rising from the bed. “Next week you can deal with your idiot brother and your emotionally incompetent fuck buddy.”
I smile but inwardly I’m groaning. The weight of those conversations is already heavy on my mind. I’m furious with both of them.
I’m not ready to forgive Luke. And I’m nowhere near ready to let him go.