Chapter 60 #2
“My job was to serve you the way my mother served yours.” Kendalyhn squeezed Aeliana’s hands.
“But I was serving myself. Lukai and I even saw the possibility with Lady Merinnia, and we kept it to ourselves, afraid that it would change if we told you or Sylmar. Your mother gave you that bond as a child to protect you, and we threw it away. We didn’t even have the courage to break it ourselves.
We let you suffer the consequences of it.
We used you to get what we wanted.” A sob cut through Kendalyhn’s throat, making the rest of her words garbled as she rushed on.
“I hate what I’ve done, and I hate that I can’t put it right, and I hate that there’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to, because I still love Lukai. ”
The admission carried an ugliness that could have planted bitterness in Aeliana’s heart, but on the heels of breaking her bond, it felt far more relatable, like something Aeliana would have done if the roles were reversed.
“The bonds aren’t natural.” Aeliana placed her other hand over Kendalyhn’s, hoping the other woman was truly listening even though she still shuddered with her tears.
“Maybe some of them are. Iris and Holm’s seemed to be something beautiful.
My bond with Lukai…it held no love—only fabricated connections that carried more obligation than love.
” She pulled back, grabbing one of her clean bandages and passing it over for Kendalyhn to dry her tears and runny nose.
“Even so,” Kendalyhn said, “my actions were selfish. At the very least, for my own happiness I was willing to rob you of the protection your parents had given you. Worst-case scenario, if Gaeren had been the horrible prince we’d all imagined him to be, I was ready to let him kill you.”
Aeliana nodded, not sure how to absolve Kendalyhn of all her guilt. The woman likely needed to forgive herself more than she needed Aeliana’s forgiveness. And Aeliana’s own experiences proved that would take time and repeated attempts.
“I hold nothing against you,” Aeliana said. “I hope you can forgive yourself as well.”
The door opened, and Kendalyhn quickly wiped her face once more, tucking the bandage in her cloak pocket.
“Time to train,” Sylmar said from the doorway, eyeing the two of them suspiciously. “Did you sift her soul?”
Kendalyhn nodded, and Aeliana raised her eyebrows, wondering if the other woman had just lied to Sylmar or if she’d been multi-tasking.
“I’m ready.” Aeliana rose from the bed, and when the room spun before her, she placed a steadying hand on Kendalyhn’s shoulder. Kendalyhn rose as well, slipping her arm through Aeliana’s for additional support.
Sylmar’s eyes narrowed, but Kendalyhn lifted her chin as if daring him to ask, and he grumbled something that suspiciously sounded like “women” when he turned back to the main living area.
Outside, several members of their party were engaged in sparring drills around the camp, their bodies holding sheens of sweat from their work.
Aeliana already felt the sweat pouring down her neck from her walk, leaving her embarrassed at her weakened state, but then Lukai stood before her, his face paler than she’d ever seen it and his eyes rimmed with red.
He glanced nervously between Kendalyhn and Aeliana, as if unsure which one to greet.
“I’m sorry, Lukai,” Aeliana said, unable to hold his gaze.
His entire body sagged with her words, and he leaned forward, crushing her in a hug. “Part of me hates you for it,” he whispered. “I don’t know. I don’t understand it. Because there’s another part of me that will never be able to thank you enough.”
When he pulled away, he wiped tears from his face and turned away. The abruptness left Aeliana feeling strangely rejected, even though she’d wanted to free him. She supposed this is what Iris meant about things taking time.
The others nearby watched him turn from Aeliana to Kendalyhn, their sparring matches fading to defensive stances.
It was then that Aeliana finally noticed Gaeren near the forest’s edge, his sword drawn and held out toward Riveran, who mirrored his stance.
Gaeren’s arm shook, and when he used his left hand to steady his grip, his scar stood out like blood poisoning snaking across his palm.
His gaze caught hers, and something strange passed between them. Something like regret or maybe apprehension. She sensed a shared fear that what they’d done had changed things between them, and not necessarily for the better.
She dropped her eyes and turned back to Lukai, but he’d already looped his arm through Kendalyhn’s, guiding her off to the edge of the clearing. Her bond mark should have stung, and when it didn’t, she rubbed hard enough at the scab until it did for other reasons.
She attempted a smile when she found Sylmar at her side.
“Ready to train?” For once, his croaky question was welcome.
“Yes. I’m not willing to go another day with such weak light shields. And I want to practice healing again.” She swallowed past the lump forming in her throat as images of wide eyes and blood stains stuck in her mind. “I should have been able to help Holm and Nori.”
Sylmar studied her closely, making her wonder if there was something wrong with her request, but then his gaze flicked to Lukai and Kendalyhn, who sparred at half their normal speed, Kendalyhn clearly going easy on Lukai in his weakened state.
“I’m inclined to agree that your somatic skills have suffered,” Sylmar said. “Maybe even more so as we’ve had Gaeren teaching you noetic skills. But I can only help you with that so much at this point. Focusing on your constructive somatic skills would be done best with Marnok or Lukai.”
Aeliana drooped at the truth of his words.
“Marnok is inaccessible, and Lukai…well, I think we should give it a few days.”
She nodded, gritting her teeth in frustration.
“In the meantime, it would be good for you and Gaeren to spar. Once you’ve each reached your full strength, you can branch out to new sparring partners and you can train under Lukai again.”
A glance up at Gaeren made it clear he’d heard the older man’s recommendation.
He hesitated, then nodded, beckoning her over to his circle while Riveran stepped away.
Aeliana pulled out her dagger, but even that brought a host of emotions she wasn’t ready for as her thumb brushed the daisy on the pommel.
The corner of Gaeren’s mouth lifted, reminding her of all the ways he’d teased her, except now it was tainted by the fact that he’d let her make a fool of herself, exposing her feelings for him to everyone.
She marched over to his side, taking deep breaths to keep the trees around them from spinning.
“You look about as exhausted as I feel,” Gaeren said. He sheathed his sword and pulled out a dagger, a swap that might have seemed thoughtful in the past but now felt patronizing.
“Iris might have mentioned something about you whining.” She widened her stance and bent her knees, balancing on the balls of her feet.
His eyebrows rose, and he matched her position, holding his dagger in front of him with his other arm out for balance. “And here I thought out of everyone you might have some sympathy.”
She swiped at his waist while he spoke, forcing him to jump back and cut off their conversation.
Spots danced in front of her eyes, so she drew energy from her starlock, willing it to strengthen her for the fight.
She didn’t want him to go easy on her, but she also didn’t want him to best her.
They circled the rim of their sparring ring, their eyes locked, each waiting for the other to make a move.
“I was too busy thinking about how I’d hurt Lukai to worry about how you’d been affected.” Her words came out harsher than she meant, and he flinched.
“That’s fair.”
This time he lunged for her, not with his dagger, but with his free hand, twisting her arm until she dropped the dagger.
Despite the energy she’d borrowed from her starlock, her muscles were too weak and her skills nowhere near a match for Gaeren’s.
He continued twisting until he’d spun her closer in his grip, his dagger now placed at her throat and both of her arms pinned beneath his as her back pressed against his chest.
“Next time,” he instructed in her ear, “hold your weapon closer to your body until you’re ready to use it so you’re not vulnerable to attacks.”
She huffed and stomped on his foot, but while that move had worked on Lukai in the past, the steel toes of the prince’s boots left him protected, and he chuckled, the laughter thrumming in his chest against her back.
“It wasn’t enough to make a fool of me with the kiss?” she hissed. “You had to best me in a single move the moment we were matched against each other?”
His arms dropped and he stepped away, the cool air rushing between them making Aeliana shiver. She turned around to find his face contorted with confusion.
“What are you talking about?”
A glance around revealed most everyone watching.
Velden stopped sparring with Cyrus to raise a webbed hand in a wave, then waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Aeliana groaned and grabbed Gaeren’s hand, dragging him across the forest line for them to get some modicum of privacy behind the trees.
Then she spun to face him, keeping her voice low.
“You knew it took more than a kiss to break a bond. You could have told me before I—” She gestured between them, then flinched as the confusion in his eyes switched to understanding. She looked away, her face heating. “We should have just cut them out.”
He stepped closer. “I almost did tell you. When you offered a kiss, I didn’t think it would work.”
Tears pricked her eyes. “Well, now you know it did. And so does everyone else.” She placed a hand against his chest to push him away, but he grabbed her hand and brought her closer.
“But then I realized it would, not because I was confident you cared for me, but because I realized how much I cared about you.”
She stilled, then dared risking a look at his eyes, which burned with an intensity—a desperation to be understood.
“Thallahan compared falling in love to an Awakening, something I couldn’t imagine when I related it to my bond with Lenda.
But the moment I considered your offer, I recognized the feeling he spoke of—an overwhelming and incomprehensible joy combined with a strange…
desperation and responsibility. A gift that has to be used wisely. ”
He flipped his palm over and lined his scar up with hers. Like Iris had pointed out, Aeliana’s looked new, blood trickling out of a few spots where the scabs had broken open.
“The truth is, my bond with Lenda never could have matched what I feel for you. I’ve felt it for moons now, but I’ve been afraid to admit it. If you’d offered before our time on Sayhla Island, I’m not sure I would have even recognized it. But that night, I understood.”
She stared at the marks on their palms, afraid to hope that she’d heard him right. He lifted her hand to his cheek, drawing her gaze with it.
“Does your outburst and hateful regret mean you might possibly have a fraction of the same feelings for me?” His face shifted into a cheeky grin beneath her hand, one that made her want to smack him—or kiss him again.
“Why do you always tease me?” she whispered even as she smiled.
His gaze dropped to her lips. “Because you either smile like that and give it right back, or your cheeks turn a shade of pink I’ve only seen on the clamshells near Rykarn.
Either way I’m rewarded.” To her dismay, he stepped away and gestured at their feet, where daisies had sprung up at least two feet around them. “Or sometimes I get these.”
This time she stepped closer and placed her hand back on his cheek, relishing the way he went still, as if he might possibly feel the same nervous vulnerability. “I may need another kiss to know exactly how I feel.”
His smirk bloomed into a full grin. “That can easily be arranged.”
As he bent down, a shout rang in the distance, startling them both. They ducked around the tree branches and back onto the land cleared by Bayla’s home, and one of Breeve’s brothers came running from the shoreline.
“They’re here,” he called. “Larkos and the others are here!”