30. Eshe
Eshe
I felt the weight of his gaze on me before any of us saw him.
But I ignored it.
We were all dipping our toes safely in the crystal-green waters, sharing pleasantries among the four of us, Yven, Casimir, Norrah, and me.
Cas and Yven were cute together, but I had a feeling neither one of them took their relationship seriously, and perhaps they’d been doing this for some time.
Cas always seemed to be looking for the next thing that was going to make him laugh and smile.
In a way, he seemed like he was always seeking a way to find an escape. As if he were living in the future and not in the present.
I tilted my head at him while he spoke with grace. He was always kind to me and others. Maybe because his enemy wasn’t people but himself. Through his laughs and smiles, I sensed a longing, a sadness within that I didn’t think most caught.
The weight of the gaze became a burning hole in my back, the greater my smile was. I fought against the urge to look behind me, but I continued ignoring it, listening intently to what Casimir was saying.
I heard the flush of sands behind me as a particular body moved his presence closer.
Casimir looked up toward the presence but didn’t stop talking and smiling, turning his full attention to Yven and Norrah. His eyes were so bright even though they were just as dark as his twin’s.
I felt the back of my hair stand—
No, they were for sure standing.
My hair was being pulled to the side. He was touching me. In front of everyone. I could feel the heat in my cheeks burning.
He was behind me, brushing his fingers across my shoulders, moving my hair and exposing my neck.
Oh, God. I closed my eyes. I tried hiding the large, deep bruise that his teeth and lips left on my skin with my hair. He clearly anticipated it. My stomach fluttered at the thought of him marking me, and now he was behind me again, revealing the mark.
His thumb traced my dark purple bruise, and my pulse sped. I was sure he could feel it beneath his fingers.
Logically, I knew I should snap at him for touching me in this possessive, controlling way, but something inside me was changing. The thought frightened me, but I wanted his mark on me. I wanted him to know that he had marked me. In fact, I wanted everyone to know.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Get your shit together, Eshe.
I sidestepped, so his hand dropped its hold on me. Continuing my walk through the clear water, I left the conversation, not feeling up to pretending that I had any idea of what those three were even talking about when I had clearly been tapped out by Ezra’s touch.
I was an idiot.
I couldn’t stop myself from feeling this…
way about him. When I wasn’t around him, I was thinking where the fuck was he?
When he was around, I was thinking of ways to get him to pay attention to me.
Things hadn’t changed much for me since I was sixteen.
I was addicted to his attention. I hated to admit it, and I hated myself more for it.
This was definitely a trauma response. Definitely. Nothing else.
I picked up a rock and threw it into waters. I walked far enough that I couldn’t hear Casimir’s voice anymore. But I could feel him right behind me.
Ignore, ignore. Just like he did to me when we were younger.
When I woke up this morning to him sleeping across the hallway, on the floor, to say I was shocked would have been an understatement. He came back for me. It made me feel a funny way, and I had to leave immediately to clear my head.
And what about Kavid? I had so many questions, not enough answers. I hadn’t meditated in days—perhaps I needed some time alone.
“Get in the water,” I heard him say.
I whipped my head behind me and finally locked eyes with him.
“I am not a child. Don’t tell me what to do,” I said through clenched teeth.
He took a step forward, and I realized he was blocking me from land. The water was brushing against my calf, and I was comfortable with how far I was, but… Ezra was unpredictable.
He took another step toward me.
I felt my breasts harden. Traitor, I screamed in my head at my body.
“In. The. Water.”
“I’m not up for another lesson, Ezra. Leave me alone.” I crossed my arms over my chest, hoping to hide any evidence.
“You can’t hide the fact that you want me.”
“I don’t want anything to do with you. I’m cold.” I frowned at his amusement. “The water is cold.”
We were under several palm trees casting shade on the water. It was the only logical reason my skin was reacting this way.
Another step forward, and he caused me to step back. The water was now midway up my thigh.
I was trapped. He saw that too. His eyes were darker than they had been a minute ago.
“Repeat that again,” Ezra rasped.
I narrowed my eyes. “I’m cold.”
“No, what you said before that.”
“I don’t want anything to do with you, Ezra.” I could say it a hundred times, and it still wouldn’t be true.
His lips curved. He had caught my lie. “Mmm, is that so?” His eyes were reading mine, and I felt heat at the tips of my ears.
“Totally,” I lied.
I held my breath. Believe me, I wanted to say through my eyes. He took another goddamn step, which caused the waters to lift against my thighs.
My heart was pounding at this point. I couldn’t have another panic attack—I couldn’t be weak. I wouldn’t be.
I had to distract him.
“You said something the other day, in your—you know.” Atrove.
He nodded in understanding, pausing his steps. “You said that you wouldn’t have saved me all those years ago. What did you mean by that?” I asked.
The palm trees stilled, and all I could hear was the beating of my heart. The cool waters rippled around my thighs.
Ezra sighed. “I found you.”
A chill ran through my skin. It was as if my body knew this, remembered this, but I didn’t.
“You mean you found me in the baths?”
“No—I mean I did then, too. But later that night… after the explosion, I found you underneath all the limestone and marble. I found you barely alive.” His voice was low, straining. Like he was remembering something so cruel, and it was hard to speak it out loud.
I felt my lips part as my jaw fell slightly.
“One of your father’s loyalists was behind me once I began to remove everything, and he helped me get you out.” Salazar. He took another step forward, but I didn’t move this time. His body barely brushed against mine, causing me to hold my breath.
“You knew I was alive this whole time,” I whispered.
Ezra nodded very slowly. Something like pain flashed across his eyes.
“Did anyone else know?”
He shook his head slowly and continued staring at me.
“Why?” The words barely slipped from my mouth.
“Because I wanted you out. Very far away from there. This man told me he was your teacher—he took care of you and… I had to trust him when he told me that he would take you. He seemed just as adamant as I was that no one knew you were alive.”
Something seemed so distant in his eyes. He wasn’t even looking at me anymore. He was looking through me.
I raised a finger to his face to let him know I was here, that he didn’t need to go anywhere, but I stopped myself before I regretted it.
I dropped my hand just in time for him to grab my wrist.
The touch sent a shiver down my spine, and he took another step—
Another one—
His hand was pushing me from below my stomach—
I was in the waters.
The water flooded above me, and I felt his arms pull me up to life—to the surface.
I took the largest breath I could and gripped myself to him.
He pulled me further and further away from the sandy shallows. All I could do was lean against Ezra and let go.
Something in my heart did too.
I wasn’t fighting it anymore. I trusted him. I wanted to be near him and to touch him.
Through the water, I wrapped my legs around his thick core, my thin dress trailing around me.
His body tensed beneath mine, but his arm reached around me and secured me closer.
Why was it that we could only get along when we were touching? When we weren’t touching each other, we wanted to kill each other? Figuratively.
It was like stepping into a different world—a silent one—when we made contact.
I saw Casimir glance at us. He shook his head slightly, amused. Yven smiled and waved at me. They were becoming smaller and smaller the more Ezra swam across the waters with me. Suddenly, I saw a large shadow of the cliff above us, and the waters became chillier.
We passed large boulders in the water, and eventually Ezra stood in front of one and sat me on it. The water came to my waist, causing my breasts to be wildly exposed to the chilled weather. Although I felt safe in his arms, this boulder would do. It was better if he wasn’t touching me anyway.
“You asked me a question,” he said to me with the most solemn eyes. I nodded. “I answered truthfully. Now, it’s your turn to be honest.”
My mouth went dry, trying to read his eyes. “Go ahead.”
“Why did you pick him?”
I remained still. Not breathing, not moving.
I shook my head—I couldn’t answer it. That was something even I had a hard time admitting to myself.
“Eshe,” he warned.
I glanced toward the waters in front of us. What could I say?
“I… I wanted you…” I stared into the bottom of the lake, refusing to meet his gaze.
“Then why did you pick him?”
I met his eyes, which, surprisingly, were just as angry as mine.
“Because you hated me,” I said, feeling my body tense. “You ignored me. You belittled me. You didn’t like me. I picked Casimir because—because I wanted to hate you back.”
A part of my young heart cracked. The truth was out. I could drown right now, and I would be happier than in this moment of vulnerability.
Ezra pushed his hand through his hair. He broke eye contact with me.
But I had to know. “Why did you?” I breathed. “Why did you hate me?”
It was now he who shook his head, his jaw clenched.
“Why did you hate me?” I pressed.