Chapter 12
CHAPTER
TWELVE
Nova
I stare at him in disbelief. He hasn’t had sex with anyone ever?
He clears his throat, then to my horror he adds, “Consensual sex.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Saw, I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be. That’s just the reality of the situation. I’ve been close to a couple of girls a few times, but it didn’t go anywhere. I-I stopped it.”
I grip his arm, trying to steady myself. “You were a child when all of that shit happened.”
“Yes, I know. I was gone for a while.”
My heart literally breaks when I ask, “How long?”
“Almost a decade.”
“If you don’t want to talk about it—”
“I do with you, it helps me heal because I know I can trust you.”
“You can,” I whisper. “You can trust me with anything.”
“Then I need to be honest, too.”
She blinks away the tears. The last thing I want is for her to feel sorry for me, but I get that it’s a normal reaction.
“I endured shocking conditions and there were men who used me as a sex toy. They drugged me to keep me compliant, threatened to kill my family if I ran away or told anyone. That’s how these things work. Rich business types, you name it. They operate on fear and intimidation.”
My eyes widen, but he continues. “That’s what happens when you’re trafficked. You move from place to place, eventually your self esteem is so rock bottom, they don’t even need the drugs.”
My hand flies up to my mouth and I can’t stop the tears. “I can’t believe they did that to you.”
He immediately wipes my tears with his thumbs. “It’s in the past. I didn’t tell you that to upset you, but for what I have to say next, you need to know some things about me.”
I’m not sure I can take any more, but I nod, trying to put on a brave face for him. I mean, God, I’m only hearing about it, he is the one who suffered.
“I want you to understand that I am broken, baby. I may not be able to be fixed. Ever. That’s why I’ve steered away from women, or any kind of relationship, because I just haven’t felt comfortable enough to let my guard down. Stupid, I know, but that’s how it’s been for me for years.”
“It’s never stupid,” I whisper. “Never say that.”
“But I am attracted to you, even though we agreed to just be friends. I think I went along with it because I knew I couldn’t give you more.”
“Clearly we have something special,” I say, thrilled he just admitted his attraction to me, and I also don’t want to scare him away now we’re this close and he’s opening up. I don’t need more. I just like being with him. “I’d never want you to feel pressured or pushed into anything.”
He smirks.
“What?” I frown.
“Isn’t it supposed to me sayin’ that to you?”
I smile softly, trying not to show him how broken my heart is. How I wish I could take all the shattered pieces and put them back together for him. How anyone could hurt my beautiful, sensitive, sweet Sawyer is beyond belief. It makes me mad, frustrated, and just plain angry.
“I guess we’re a little off the beaten track, and that’s okay,” I say. “We don’t have to do anything other than what we already do.”
“It won’t be enough for you,” he whispers.
“What won’t be?”
“Just touching. No sex.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, because I’m glad just to be in your arms.”
He swallows, his eyes big and around, like a lost little boy. It breaks my heart all over again. “That’s just it, what if I wanted more?”
“Do you?”
“With you? Yes. I—” He swallows hard again. “I shouldn’t admit this, but I’ve jerked off to you.”
Oh, my God. Did he just admit that? “Holy shit.”
“Too much?”
My insides heat. “No.” My cheeks pinken when I think about what I’ve done to myself, imagining it was him. “What if I told you I may have flicked the bean a few too many times thinking about you.”
Now it’s his turn to be shocked as his eyes widen in surprise. “No shit?”
“I know, TMI.” I bury my face in my hands, but he pulls them away by my wrists.
“I like hearin’ that. That you touched yourself, thinkin’ about me.”
I stare at him, in awe of him and how far he’s come. Not only that, but how he’s willing to let me in. “So, what do we do now?”
His lips part and I so badly want him to kiss me. “We make out.” He fights a smile, but gives in. “Don’t look so horrified.”
“After what you just told me? Sawyer, I don’t wanna pressure you—”
“You’re not, that’s just it. I want to Nova. With you I want to try, and if that’s too much for you, I understand.”
I place a finger over his lips to quieten him. He hardly ever uses my name like that. I like it. “It’s not too much. I’m honored. I love being with you. I love it when you kiss me, even with your lip banged up.”
He leans toward me, his lips touching mine for a peck. “Like this?”
I want to groan, but I hold it in. “Y-yes.”
“Don’t be put off by what I said. I’m broken in many ways, but you put the pieces back together somehow.”
I can’t even imagine a world where I’d make a difference, much less to this sensitive, beautiful man. I don’t deserve him.
“I’m not put off, I just want you to be comfortable in all things. We can just cuddle if you want, I’m really okay with whatever—”
“Did I ever tell you that you talk a lot?”
I smirk. “A lot of nonsense?”
“Nope, but you deflect. It’s cute, but I know what you’re doing.”
“I’m just gearing myself up.”
“For my next kiss?”
“If it doesn’t hurt,” I say.
“It doesn’t. I want to kiss you again.”
“I want that, too.”
This time, he doesn’t pull away. My hand rests on his shoulder and his on my hip. His slightest touch has my heart racing out of my chest. Even after his revelation, it makes me cautious, but I still want this. I still want to be the one who makes him feel alive.
When he deepens the kiss, a low murmur leaves me, and I feel it all the way down to my toes. Our tongues touch slightly and it’s enough to have my pussy throbbing. It’s slow, sensual, and so damn good. Sawyer has been keeping this talent hidden, and I’m glad. I want his kisses only for myself.
He hitches my knee over his leg, and I wrap my arms around his neck. We’re still both on our sides, but the heat between us is intoxicating. “Fuck, baby.” He cups my face, and I enjoy the low rumble in his chest. This is really hot.
“Do you want to touch me?” I grapple for words when we part, his lips moving to my jaw, then my neck as I tilt my head back to allow him more access.
“Yes.”
His knee pressing against my pussy is as hot as it is frustrating, any kind of movement and I’m gonna go off like a firecracker. His hand snakes down my shoulder to my elbow.
“Is this okay?”
“You can touch me anywhere, Saw.”
He inhales, and his low, breathy intakes make me shudder. I’m doing this to him. I’m making him feel good. “Are you sure?”
He’s so fucking adorable. “Yes.” I place my hand over his. “Where would you like to go?”
His lips at my pulse point, he whispers. “Your tits.”
Fuck.
My nipples do a little happy dance of their own as I guide him to my left breast. His soft moan when he cups me makes me so much wetter.
“Fuck, baby. I imagined these. Playin’ with them, makin’ you hot.”
“You do make me hot,” I stammer, barely able to contain myself. “You don’t even know how much.”
“I’m hard,” he admits. “I was hard when you started cleanin’ me up.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as he peppers kisses all over my neck. This man is driving me insane.
He fondles and teases me through my top, and the material feels too much. I want his mouth on me. I want to see and feel him do it.
“Sawyer,” I moan when he caresses my nipple with his thumb.
“What do you need, baby?”
“I need more,” I pant.
“More, baby?”
I nod.
“Can I see these?”
Oh, fuck yeah.
“Y-yes,” I stammer.
He undoes the buttons on my top, and I thank god I put a nice bra on. Usually when I’m at home lounging, I go bra-less in comfy sweats, but I knew he was coming over, so I didn’t.
When he sees the dark pink of my lace bra, he moans.
I’ve never heard anything so perfect in my life.
He pulls my top aside impatiently, then leans forward and covers me through the material with his mouth.
The fabric is thin and I feel everything.
He cups my breast, lifting it and my hands are in his hair.
Then he moves his knee slightly, ever so slightly, back and forth.
“Baby,” he mutters.
“So good,” I whisper.
He pulls my bra to one side, then says, “Look at me.” My eyes spring open and his eyes are intense as we stare at each other. “Perfect.”
When he lowers his mouth over my nipple, I’ve never seen anything so damned hot in my entire life. He licks, then sucks, his eyes never leaving mine. My mouth is in a permanent state of being wide open as I watch him. When he lets go with a pop, he asks, “I’ll bet you’re wet, aren’t you, Princess?”
All I can manage is a weak sob and a nod. This pleases him.
“Wanna sit on my lap, then I can pay them both the attention they deserve?”
I nod, unable to form words as he sits upright, pulling me onto his lap, I let my shirt fall backward, and he uses both hands to cup me.
He kneads and lifts, taking in every single move as I helplessly watch him.
He yanks my bra down, revealing my other breast, and he moves his mouth over my erect nipple.
“Sawyer,” I cry.
He lifts his eyes. “Get off on me.”
Fuck. I can feel how hard he is.
When I frown, he smiles. “It’s okay. Rub yourself on me. I’m hard, baby, so fuckin’ hard.”
I hate that he’s fully clothed still, but I understand and respect not to expect more. These are big steps for the both of us.
I rock my hips and he hisses. His hands and mouth feel so good as he sucks one breast and plucks the other. And I’m in fucking heaven. I close my eyes, tilting my head back as I rock back and forth on him. “I’m gonna come so fast,” I warn. “Sawyer, you feel amazing.”
He grunts and I know I’m not even kidding, I’m so close. My clit is so sensitive, and I can’t imagine how he’s feeling right now with no room to move in his jeans.
“I want to see you come,” he mutters. “I want to see my baby orgasm for me. Only me.”
I grip my hands in his hair. “I-I, oh god, Saw, I’m coming, I’m-I’m coming…” Light flashes behind my eye lids as all the pent up frustration and lust unravels, my orgasm hitting hard.
I ride it out, crying his name as he continues to suck and play with me. “Fuck, yeah.”
When I come down from my high, I’m panting.
“I want to feel you,” he whispers. “I want to feel how wet I made you.”
“I want that, too.”
I lift my hips, and he slides his hand into my shorts, cupping my pussy. “Fuuuuuck,” he mutters when he feels the slickness through the material. “Baby, I’m gonna come just feelin’ you like this.”
I want him to take his jeans off. I want to tell him I can make him feel good too, with his permission, but I don’t. When he pulls my panties aside, I’m practically panting like a dog in heat. Jesus, I need him inside me.
“Yes,” I breathe. “Oh, that’s so, oh—”
He flicks my clit and I spiral, my orgasm coming fast as he does it again, and again, and again.
I cry out his name, pressing myself against his hand. “More,” I tell him. “I need your fingers inside me, please.”
“You feel so good,” he tells me, spreading my slickness everywhere. He slides one finger inside me and I just about lose it.
“Oh, this is so good. So—yes!” I’m not even making sense. My words come tumbling out like I don’t have any control over my own thoughts. And maybe I don’t.
He licks my nipple, then licks the other one, his eyes heated as he inserts another finger. He works them in and out, in and out until we’re in a rhythm that is so intoxicatingly hot, I’m tipping my head back and crying out again, for the third time.
This time. This time he groans, too, his eyes closing as he grips my hip with his free hand.
Did he just?
“Sawyer?” I pant.
“I came,” he whispers. “In my fuckin’ pants.”
I roll my lips. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes spring open. “You don’t look very sorry.”
“That must be… um, uncomfortable?”
“I’ll deal with it, just give me a second.”
His fingers remain buried inside me, my tits still out on display, and he shows no hurry to fix any of that.
A wash of comfort slides its way around me, around us.
“I need a minute,” I tell him. “But I’m not going anywhere.”
His eyes lift. “Neither am I.”