Chapter 21
Chapter
Twenty-One
Joel
I can feel her heart racing against my chest as I hold her, unsure if it’s erratic from the fright I gave her or because we’re so close. Either way, mine is pounding like a fucking drum. I want to kiss her, but this is not why I brought her out here. The tension that hovers over us is not as bad as I’d expected it to be but it’s enough that I knew she still wasn’t fully relaxed.
The lines between us have blurred and I needed to change that. I needed to find my Edie again and bring her back from the edge of whatever place I’d somehow made her go, which was why I'd played my part in fooling around and scaring her. I’d known it would have her laughing, and more importantly, I’d wanted us to be like we once were.
But before anything, I need to hear the reasons why she’d reacted like she had that morning.
Running my nose along her cheek, I murmur. “This is the part where you need to start talking, otherwise, I’m going to kiss you, and that’s not why we are here.”
She releases an unsteady breath. “What if what I say changes everything? What if you can’t look at me like you used to?”
“The only thing I see when I look at you is sunshine. I can never look at you differently because you are the light in my life.”
She rests her forehead against my chest, and I kiss her hair.
With a deep exhale, she leaves my grip and takes a few steps away to lean against the bonnet of the car, wrapping herself tighter in the blanket. Silence falls between us, so instead of waiting, I try and lighten the burden with my admission first.
“There have been times when I’ve wanted to be a better man—a better husband—but nothing seemed to work. I blame myself for not doing my best. I hate myself for not making her happy, even when I knew her idea of happiness was different to mine. And if I could go back and change anything to ease this pain I carry now, believe me, I would.” I turn my head to find her watching me, the light from the headlights emphasising her beautiful face. “Edie, I wear my wedding ring not because I’m afraid to let her go. I wear it because it reminds me of how much I fucked up. I regret so much about that day, and the only way I feel I can chastise myself for it is to have this reminder in the form of the gold band—a reminder to not fuck up again.”
“I should have never questioned why you wear it.”
“You had every right to. I’m a contradiction to myself and others because I say I’m over her and have accepted that she’s gone yet this says otherwise.” I hold up my hand. “But whatever my reasons, I never regretted being with you.”
She draws her eyes away, a beat of silence falling between us before she says, “That morning at yours, I was terrified of your rejection. After years of being betrayed one way or another, and then Leon, I dreaded you waking up and telling me it had all been a mistake.”
“It was never that to me. ”
“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway because as I waited for the rejection, my mind just spiralled and, soon enough, guilt took over. Deep, solid, painful remorse. Not because of what we had done but because of what I had done.” She pauses, anxiety now gripping hold of my stomach. “Everything with Sophia hit me full force, and I couldn’t think straight. All I could hear was her when she was screaming at me. I never wanted to use you as my target, but the more you kept trying to reassure me, the louder her voice in my head got.”
I frown. “I don’t understand. When was she screaming at you?”
When she stands and turns to me, the look of agony on her face is unbearable as tears cloud her eyes.
“The day she died. It was because of me.”
My chest tightens like a vice, and I find it hard to breathe. Now I don’t wish to hear the reasons for her distance—I don’t want this conversation anymore, not if it involves Edith.
The driver had said Sophia was on her phone and had just stepped out into the road. Every part of the investigation had been looked into, and was confirmed: it was simply an accident.
“It was an accident, Edie,” I grit out.
“I was the one she was on the phone to.” She weeps.
My heart stops—literally feels like it’s stopped as the blood drains from my face. I’d never cared to know who she’d been on the phone to because I’ve continued to believe her distraction was because of me.
"She called me, screaming at me that she was sick of me coming between the two of you. I didn't understand what she was talking about, but she never explained either. She was just so angry, and I was just as rattled because I was tired of being the ball between two bats. Every time you two argued, you’d both come to me, and I was exhausted from being in the middle. I was tired of being the go-between because I loved her, despite her flaws and you’re my best friend.” Her tears are heavy now as she battles through her distress, but at the same time, I’m terrified of moving because I’m not liking where I believe this story is heading.
“She told me I was a selfish bitch. She told me that Lorna was right about me—that I was always the problem. She said that Leon deserved happiness because he’d never had it with me and that no one would ever love me. She said some horrible, evil things, and I screamed at her to go to hell. Right before..."
She cradles her stomach, and ice floods my veins when a sob escapes her. "I was on the end of the line, Joel. Everything was so loud before it went so still.”
Jesus Christ. She heard it.
I don’t realise I’m moving until I’m pulling her into me, wrapping my arms around her as she breaks. The thick lump in my throat is like sandpaper as I try and keep it together.
“She died because of me.”
“No.” I grip her face firmly, making her look at me. “ No .”
“Everyone is hurting because of what I made happen,” she whispers.
Guilt. It’s an evil thing. It’s a never-ending circle of the what ifs and whys. Edith is swallowed up in the same black hole, and I’ll do anything to protect her from it. Maybe saving her from her guilt will save me from my own.
I hold her until her tears subside and her breathing is calmer. The silence of the night brings an air of peace over us. I don’t in any way hate or blame her, but if anything, knowing she’s been dealing with so much—and alone—makes the need to protect her even more powerful.
“All this time you’ve been dealing with this on your own,” I murmur. “You should have told me.”
"It wouldn’t have changed anything. "
"But if I could have taken half your pain and made it mine, I would have.”
“I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t find the words. And after we argued, I knew that in order for you to understand why I pushed you away, I had to tell you everything.”
But that’s just it: I still don’t understand why she pushed me away.
Pulling back, I look at her. “Why would the accident have you react like you did with me that morning?”
She hesitates for a moment, playing with the chain around my neck as she whispers. "She told me that you would never be mine."
"Why would she say that?"
"Because… she knew we’d kissed. And she hated it."
I’m confused. "But that was a few years prior to me getting together with her."
"That never mattered to her. The fact we were close before she was with you was what she hated most. We all knew Sophia always got what she wanted, and I’d got something before she did. She never let me forget that, and the morning of the accident was no different when she gave me an ultimatum."
"How do you mean?"
“She wanted me to end my friendship with you. It was either her or you, but one of you had to go because I couldn’t have both.”
I step out of our hold, needing a little space because the realism of my wife’s twisted behaviours are become more apparent by the day.
Everyone knew of Edith and me: our bond was platonic. Or so I’ve told myself. For many years, I’ve fought hard to believe that my love for Edith had been nothing more than friendship. I’d told myself after our kiss that she was too young and deserved better. I stood by that. But where I’ve refused to believe my feelings have been nothing more, it’s obvious to others—especially Sophia—that isn’t and never has been the case.
No matter what, though, I remained faithful. There had been no taking sides, no favouritism and nothing was ever done that would jeopardise one relationship or the other.
And yet it had still never been enough for my wife.
Our arguments may not have ever started over Edith, but Sophia had more often than not ended each one being about her.
“I couldn’t choose, Joel.”
I rub my hand over the back of my neck, wondering if I’m missing something here because this still doesn’t make any fucking sense. “And that’s the reason you pushed me away? Because of an ultimatum that happened over a year ago?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Do you have any idea what it was like to watch you walk out that door trying to figure out what I did wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Yet I was made to feel like I had,” I reveal. “That night I could see in your eyes that you feel what we have. I still can.”
“Joel, stop,” she warns.
“I felt it in your touch.”
“Stop. I need to explain—”
“When I kissed you. When I was inside you.”
“Yes, I felt it!” She raises her voice. Her chest rising and falling. “You rocked my world, and I’ve never felt like that with anyone. So, yes, I felt everything and I wanted it all!”
“Then why run?”
“Because I was a fucking mess!” she shouts. “I never ran because of you, or even Sophia, but because of me and what I was feeling. Sophia knew I loved you and she hated that. She hated that you—” She stops abruptly, looking away from me and shaking her head, cursing under her breath and berating herself for saying too much .
Meanwhile I’m desperate to hear more because not only has she just made my heart skip a beat with her confession, there is more to this phone call than she’s letting on.”
“She hated that I what?”
“It doesn’t matter. Forget it, the point to all of this is that I couldn’t choose between the two of you, and I promised myself I never would. Yet in some sick twist of fate, here we are!” She waves her hands between us. “I didn’t make my choice, but it sure as hell never felt that way when I woke up next to you. So doing what I do best, I ran."
I turn away for a second, trying to get my head around all of this because when she panics, she often talks in riddles.
Looking back at her, I try and decipher what I believe she’s saying. “So, what you’re saying is that sleeping with me has somehow made that choice for you?”
“At the time, yes.”
“Jesus, Edie. Your mind works in mysterious ways.”
“Mysterious mind or a level-headed one, it wouldn’t matter anyway.”
“Why?”
“Because of you. It always comes back to you. You’re in here.” She points to her heart, her chest rising and falling as her eyes change from distress to a look that has my entire body on alert. “I tried to put distance between us so I could think. But it didn't change anything because I missed you."
With each leisurely step I take forwards, she takes one back, tapping her fingertips into her chest in frustration.
"Putting distance between us didn't change the fact I never regretted anything."
Another step.
“Putting distance between us never stopped the memory of you against me.”
Another step.
“And no matter how guilty I feel when it comes to her, it hasn't changed the fact that I still fucking want you!”
I cup the nape of her neck and crash my mouth to hers with a kiss that’s instant hunger. Her hands fist the lapels of my jacket, pulling me close as I walk her backwards. Our bodies fall together when her legs hit the bonnet of the car, and I cover her, pinning her wrists above her head with one hand. I shift her leg over my hip with the other, pressing myself against the thin layer of her pyjama bottoms. A beautiful, blissful moan escapes from her lips, and I devour every inch of her mouth. We kiss like crazy. Like we’ve been starved of oxygen—like this is the only time we have when in fact we have the world. We kiss until we are both breathless.
“Jesus, I’ve missed you,” I breathe.
“It’s only been a few days.”
“It felt like a lifetime.”
“Does this mean we’re friends again?”
I grin, dusting kisses over her neck. “We were never not friends.”
“I’m sorry, Joel.” Her words are low, sincere and edged with a sadness that has me letting go of her wrists and looking at her. “I was just so confused.”
"You don’t have to be sorry. Not anymore.”
Her fingers trace over my cheek, our voices low. “But I hurt you.”
“Yes, you did, but now I understand why. I just wish you’d have told me sooner. We could have prevented all of this.”
“Tell me how to make it right.”
Telling her to stop punishing herself is easier said than done. It’s not something you can just switch off. She needs time but not in the way that keeps us apart and has her running. More than ever, she needs to understand that she’s not on her own.
“The only way to make it right is to not overthink it. I don't feel guilty for having something I've longed for," I admit. “And you shouldn’t feel it either.”
“Joel…” Her fingertips dance over my lips and I kiss them one by one before I lower my mouth to hers and kiss her tenderly.
I look at her with conviction. “Promise me there will be no more running. And no matter what, you talk to me.”
“I promise,” she whispers.
“These last few days have driven me crazy.” I trail my fingertip along her jaw. “I don’t think you realise how much I fucking want you.”
A wicked grin spreads across her face. “Believe me, I can sure as hell feel it.” She cuts off my chuckle with a deep, mind-blowing kiss. Her fingers that lace through my hair send shockwaves straight to my dick with each tug at the strands. I want to feel her everywhere and all at once, and the thought of driving home is not an option.
“Back seat. Now,” I growl.
“What if someone comes?”
I pull her up, grabbing the blanket as it slides off the bonnet. “The only one that’s going to be coming is you. Now get in.”
When I kill the headlights, we are plunged into complete darkness before I join Edith in the back. The second the door closes, I grin. Her dinosaur bottoms are glowing right at me.
As I remove my jacket, she takes my face in her hands, kissing me franticly and pulling me down with her. I’ve lost sense of spatial awareness as it’s so dark but the sound of a bump clarifies it.
“Shit,” she hisses.
“You okay?”
“Hit my damn head.”
I chuckle, a small trace of moonlight catching part of her face as she leans against the car door. I find her mouth once more because, fuck, I love kissing her. If a kiss were all I was worthy of having for the rest of my life I’d still die a happy man.
We are all hands and limbs, and I start to wonder if the back of my car is the right move because I want her spread out, stripped bare and begging.
I lift her pyjama top, and a whimper falls from the back of her throat as I take her nipple into my mouth.
“Take off your shirt,” she demands.
I pull it over my head to discard it, her cold hands running over my torso. Finding the waistline of her bottoms, I curl my fingers inside the band, leaning down at the same time to kiss the flat of her stomach. “I love these jammies, but I’m afraid they gotta go.”
I slowly peel the material down her legs, taking her boots off one at a time before removing her bottoms completely. Placing her leg over my shoulder, I press soft, wet kisses up her calf, one to the back of her knee before leaning down and place a teasing one on her inner thigh.
“Do that again,” she breathes.
I repeat my moves, slower this time, and draw circles with the tips of my fingers as I go.
I can feel her eyes on me, even when I can’t see them. I can feel the heat of her body, hear the soft pants of her breathing, yearning and needful. When I reach her thigh and kiss it again, I slide my thumb over her clit. Her hand flies out to grab the passenger seat as my name rolls from her in a whisper. Another gasp leaves her beautiful body, and I feel her back arch when I push a finger inside her.
She’s so wet.
Desperate and begging.
I move in slow, deep thrusts, teasing her, taunting her as she withers beneath me.
Hot tension and anticipation draw us together in the darkness, and beautiful melodies fall from her lips.
When I add another finger and roll her sensitive bud under my thumb, she rocks her hips against me.
My eyes have adjusted more to the darkness now, and I can sense where every part of her is. I can make out the line of her shoulders, her neck, and when she tilts her head back, the moonlight allows me a glimpse of her jawline and her silent gasp.
“Christ, Edie. You drive me wild.”
"Joel, please. I need you inside me."
"I'm not fucking you in my car."
"Says the man with his fingers inside me."
"That's different."
"Oh. Okay. Noted.”
I’m not going to deny her of me, but I’m going to take my time with her, too.
When I feel the brink of her orgasm, I remove my fingers and trace the tips over her lips for her to taste herself.
She takes them into her mouth, and the thought of her mouth around my dick releases an untamed growl from my throat. “Fuck.”
She pushes against my chest, making me shift back against the seat so she can straddle me. I cup her arse cheeks in my hands, squeezing them as warm, wet kisses draw across my neck.
"You're so beautiful," I whisper.
"It’s dark as shit in here. But thanks."
I laugh.
Taking her face in my hands, I make her stop. I may not be able to see her, but I need her to know I mean every damn word. "Trust me. I fucking see you."
I kiss her deeply and groan into her mouth when she rubs her hand over the swell of my jeans. Undoing my belt, I surrender to a need I can’t contain anymore, lifting my hips for her to push the denim down my thighs.
“I want to fuck you,” she pants, taking me in her hand and running her thumb over the tip.
“Fuck, yes.”
“I take that as my cue?”
My body is on fire. The need to feel her, have her, is something I can’t even justify. She's like a drug I can't get enough of. Even high, I still want her to take me higher. “Take whatever you want.”
Guiding me, she lowers herself, taking me all the way as my name falls from her lips like it’s a prayer.
“Shit, Edie. You feel so fucking good.”
When she rocks against me, my body comes alive. She plants wet kisses against my neck, her teeth nipping the skin before she kisses away the sting. Hot air, steamed windows and seduction take us both under. We are wild and relentless.
The darkness makes it more erotic as she moves against me, my hands roaming over her body, needing to touch her everywhere .
Pushing her top up, I give my attention to her breasts and take her nipple into my mouth again as moans of pleasure escape her.
I lace my fingers in the back of her hair and grip, tilting her head back as I run the tip of my tongue up the line of her throat and whisper, “Mine,” before pushing my tongue into her mouth.
She’s close, and I grip her hips to thrust deeper as my body begins to thunder with my own release. A scorching tingle surges through me from the tips of my toes, and when I press my thumb against her clit, she comes undone, crying my name as we both break hard and fast.
Nose to nose, I hold her close. The heat of our breaths entwines as we come down from our high, and I know her eyes are locked on mine, even in the darkness.
“Edie,” I exhale, intoxicated with everything that she is and the places she takes me. But her words send a crack of electricity straight to my heart and I know now, I can never let go.
“You,” she breathes, “It’s always been you.”