Chapter 32
Chapter
Thirty-Two
Edith
I wake to the soft touch of Joel stroking my hair, his fragrance filling my senses, but I don’t open my eyes. I just lay here, absorbing the security he always brings—letting the warmth of him fill my soul, clinging to his touch for a little while longer.
I’ve slept on and off, been poked and prodded by doctors, all while he was unable to be with me.
Concussion, a dislocated shoulder and whiplash have been diagnosed all of which are causing me a huge amount of pain when the drugs wear off.
Getting to the hospital was an experience I wish to forget.
The second I was moved off the floor, the pain in my body rushed to the surface and my head pounded so badly, I couldn’t open my eyes. Nausea hit hard and I was so sick in the ambulance. I’d been able to hear Joel telling me everything was going to be alright as he held my hand.
Only it’s not.
It’s far from that now.
I don’t know how long I’ve been here. I don’t even know what time it is. But all I can see when I close my eyes is Lorna standing over me before she left.
She pushed me.
She fucking pushed me.
Where do I go from here? Every option I explore doesn’t give me the answer I am wanting. If I tell Dad what she’s done, she will feed him full of lies.
If I stay with Joel, I won’t have Dad in my life.
And if I leave Joel, I will be broken.
I need him.
I love him.
But what about my dad?
Everything is such a mess.
“Wake up, baby?” he whispers.
“I don’t want to open my eyes,” I whisper back, feeling these god damn tears threaten. “Everything is perfect with my eyes shut.”
His nose runs along my cheekbone before his soft lips press against my forehead and he murmurs. “It may be perfect, but I need your eyes on me, Edith. You’ve scared the hell out of me.”
Guilt hits me. For a moment, I’d forgotten what it must have been like for him. Opening my eyes, his beautiful, yet anxious face makes me reach out to cup his jaw and my love for this man hits me full force.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“But I scared you.”
“Shhh,” he coos. “None of that matters now. You are more important.” He kisses my palm and moves closer to me, continuing to brush my hair. “I love you.”
His words wrap around my heart, yet the lump in the back of my throat feels like it’s suffocating me. I know without even having to ask that he’s needing to hold me close—to feel me against him just as urgently as I want him close to me. I can see it in his eyes. But Lorna’s words are in my head, and just having him as close as he is, is already breaking me.
“How long have I been here?”
“A couple of hours. You’ve been asleep for most of that due to the pain you’ve been in and the medication that they have given you.”
I notice one of my salon towels on the chair behind him covered in blood. “Is that my blood?” I point.
“Yeah. The cut on your head was pretty nasty. It’s been glued now.” He smiles tenderly. “The doctor is coming back soon.”
“Okay,” I murmur, needing to relieve my dry throat. “Can you pass me some water please?”
I manoeuvre myself to sit up, flinching at the pain across my shoulders.
Taking the plastic cup from him, I take a sip, but even that hurts. I can feel Joel watching me, and I already know he’s wanting answers to the question I’m dreading him asking.
“Can you remember what happened?”
I close my eyes. I can remember every damn thing, but the moment I speak the words, he’s not going to remain calm, and the last thing I want is for him to do anything irrational.
“It all happened so fast. One minute I was at the top and the next I was at the bottom,” I look at him out the corner of my eye as it hurts to turn.
He’s still wanting more.
So I lie. “I fell down the stairs.”
“You fell?” He looks at me with raised brows. “ What did you do, jump from the top? Because that’s a hell of a lot of damage.”
“There are a lot of stairs,” I say trying to make light of it.
He comes to face me now, perching himself on the side of the mattress. “You wanna tell me the truth now, or are you happy to continue with this lie?”
I hold his stare and my lip quivers. I don’t want to go down this road. “By lying it doesn’t make what happened feel as real.”
“Talk to me, Edie.” He takes my hand, entwining his fingers with mine and the altercation I had with Lorna races through my mind.
You’re nothing more than a rebound.
I will destroy you and everyone around you.
My heart aches at the thought.
But what if she’s right? I can’t go through that. And nor can I lose Dad.
No matter which way I turn, or what I say or do, nothing is going to make this right or easier.
“Everything is such a mess, Joel. I don’t know what to do,” I weep.
“Edie, you're scaring me. Please tell me what’s going on.”
“We were arguing and everything happened so fast. I hit her and she grabbed me and then… She pushed me, Joel. Lorna pushed me.”
His comforting embrace is gone in seconds as he leaves the bed and takes two steps away from me, his back is dead straight and his fists locked in his hair.
“I was in so much pain. I begged her to help me, but she just stole my necklace and left me there.”
He turns back to face me and his eyes are now a storm. “Lorna did this?”
I nod. “After I got off the phone to you. I found her in the salon. I don’t know how long she was there but we argued and—"
“You have to tell the police.”
His words panic me more. “No.” Going to the police will only make more trouble for everyone, and I don’t want to put any more stress on dad. Not only that, she is his wife.
“Edie, you have to.”
“I hit her.”
“Hitting her doesn’t give her the fucking right to do what she did.”
I know he’s only reacting like this because he cares, but his constant pushing is getting me rattled, which is not helping my damn headache. “She will turn it all back on me.”
“You’ll have the evidence on the CCTV.” He steps closer. “Edith, she pushed you down the stairs. I thought you were dead when I found you. She could have killed you.”
“But she didn’t!” I raise my voice, trying to push through the pain. “Calling the police will only make matters worse, and I don’t want that. I need to sort this myself. I need to put a stop to all of this.”
“By doing what?” His frantic tone matches mine. “Sitting down and having a family discussion is not going to make her stop, Edith. This is Lorna. How exactly are you going to make this right?”
By doing the one thing I promised myself I never would.
Lorna’s words pierce my ears once more, making me question everything.
You want to make this right? Then leave him.
You’re nothing more than a rebound.
This man loves me, I know he does. But what if she is right? What if all of this mess is because I’m with him. What if there’s a chance I am his mistake? What if all of what we have now is going to crash and burn the longer we are together?
Not only that, if I stay with him I’m putting everyone at risk from Lorna.
I can’t bear the idea of that.
I’m left with no choice. To fix one relationship, I need to break mine. I need to do what is right for everyone. But more importantly, I need to break my heart before he does it for me.
I lower my voice, wiping my tears. “I can’t have Dad stressed, Joel. I can’t have him ill because of me and if I go to the police it will only make things worse.”
“It’s assault, Edie. Hitting me was one thing but what she’s done now goes above everything else. Going to the police is the only way that will make all of this stop.”
“I. Said. No.”
Our heated discussion is cut short when the curtain to my cubical is pulled back.
Daisy stands there in her blue nurse’s uniform with her hands on her hips. For a second, I don’t know if her presence is a blessing or not because she, too, will want to know, and I’ll have two of them to deal with.
“When I finished with my trauma patient and Henry said that my housemate was here, I didn’t expect to find you as a damn patient. What the hell, Moo Bag?”
“Trust me, this is not how I planned out my night either.” I wipe my eyes.
“What the hell has happened?” She places two fingers over the pulse in my wrist and looks at her little watch on her uniform. Neither Joel nor I answer her and you can cut the tension between us with a blunted knife.
After she’s done checking my pulse, she looks between us, her expression changing. “Oh. Sorry, guys. Did I come at a bad time?”
“No it’s fine,” I smile. Only this seems to get Joel’s back up as he huffs out a sarcastic laugh.
“Yeah. Everything is damn fucking fine.” Grabbing his jacket he heads out. “I need air.”
Feeling helpless, my battered emotions can’t take the upset between us and I turn to Daisy, bursting into tears.
“ T he doctor will be in shortly. Try to relax.”
I smile at the nurse who has just come in to check my pain relief before she leaves me alone again. And that’s exactly how I’ve felt since Joel left and Daisy went back to doing her job: alone
I’d thought the time would help me think, but it’s only made things worse.
Movement catches my eyes, and I look up to find Joel on the opposite side of the curtain. He tilts his head to the side, a look of apology in his red-rimmed eyes and the hurt in his features makes my heart ache .
Without a word, he comes in, places his jacket back on the chair and sits on the edge of the bed. Taking my face gently in his hand, he presses the most delicate kiss on my lips, and I have to fight not to break into a thousand pieces.
“I’m sorry for leaving you like that. I love you so damn much, Edie.”
You're not the lovable kind.
“I just get so angry with the way she is with you. And I just can’t help but think what could have happened if you hadn’t had called me. Or if things had turned out differently—”
“But they didn’t,” I whisper. “You have to let me handle this my way. I have Dad to think about.”
He looks away from me. “Have you called him yet?”
“No.” The thought of it makes me feel sick. “I keep trying to find the courage to call him. But I have to do what is best for everyone, Joel, and if that means hurting people in the process then so be it.”
He frowns. “What do you mean.”
I swallow, trying to get the words right. But just as I’m about to speak. That damn curtain is pulled back again only this time the doctor is smiling at me, along with Daisy.
“Edith, sorry to keep you. I’m Dr Marks. How are you feeling?”
Joel stands from the bed, giving me space. “My neck and head are so painful.”
“Unfortunately, you’ve sustained a nasty cut to your head and the nature of the fall means your upper body has taken a bit of a battering so you’ll be sore for a while yet.” He comes closer to me, taking the penlight out of his top pocket to check my pupils.
“When can she come home?” Joel asks.
“Well, given the concussion and the uncertainty of how long you were potentially unconscious for, I’d like to keep you in overnight for observation. I’ll make sure a bed gets sorted for you as soon as possible and I’ll get Daisy to sort out some more pain relief for you in the meantime.”
I close my eyes in disappointment. I just want to go home.
“Light duties for the time being,” Daisy adds, giving me a knowing look. “And that also means no running either,”
“I agree with Daisy there I’m afraid.” The Doctor smiles.
“Is there anything else I need to do?” I ask.
“At this stage just rest. The sling will stay on for a few days now that your dislocation is back in place and the whiplash is thankfully not at the severe stage, so a follow-up appointment with your GP should be all you need.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ll leave you to it.” He smiles. “The police are waiting just outside when you’re ready.”
My stomach drops, and panic grips my chest. I look at Joel and guilt is written all over his face, right before anger flares my body.
“Tell me you didn’t?”
“This shit has to stop, Edie. I had to do what was right.”
Doing what was right has only made it a whole lot worse.
“What would be right is not going behind my back.” I snap. “I told you I didn’t want them involved.”
“Why not?”
“Because of Dad! Don’t you understand what this will do to him?”
“And what about you?” he urges.
“It’s not about me, Joel.”
“For God’s sake, Edie. Look at where you are. You’re being unreasonable.”
“I’m being realistic!”
He lets out a heavy breath. “Look I understand that you’re upset but— ”
“Upset? I’m angry, Joel. You deliberately went behind my back without thinking of what damage this would do!” I wince, trying to catch my breath as I jolt my body.
My heart pounds with the pain, only I’m not sure if it’s because of my injuries or because I’m now in this situation. Silence falls between us, and I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I understand where he’s coming from, but he can’t see it from my side. If I want dad in my life—which I do—then I need to make this right. I need to do what Lorna has said. I need to protect everyone.
What hurts more than ever is knowing I have to break his heart while I break mine all over again, pushing away the man I’ve always wanted.
“All of this has to stop, Joel. I’m tired of fighting with people. I can’t stand the pain and it hurts knowing that this has hurt Dad. I can’t lose him, and I fear I have.”
“He will come round.”
“And what if he doesn’t? I can’t let that happen. I can’t let what me and you have break what I have with him. I’ve spent all night trying to work out what I need to do to make it right—to stop all the battles we have had and are going to continue having if nothing changes. Because there will be more. Lorna will make sure of that. and I don’t think I’m strong enough for those no matter who is standing beside me.”
His eyes dart back and forth from mine as he shakes his head. “I don’t like where I believe this is going.”
“None of this would have happened if it weren’t for us. I can’t go on like this when everything is crashing down around us before we have even had a chance to build it up.”
“Edie,” he warns.
I swallow the lump in my throat, trying desperately not to fall apart because I need to be strong right now. But instead of telling him the truth about why I’m doing this through fear of losing him, I take the cowards way out and turn it on Dad.
“I’ve tried to be strong all these years where she is concerned, but what’s happened tonight is next level. I have no fight left in me.”
“Is this because I called the police?”
“It’s more than that. It’s about doing the right thing.”
“You’ve had a knock to the head, baby. You’re not thinking straight.” He cups my jaw in urgency, dread now in his eyes, but I push through the heartache in my chest as the tears fill my eyes.
“Maybe. But I have to think about Dad and what all of this will do to him in the long run. With or without the police, I can’t risk losing him. I just can’t. And the longer we are together, the more I fear I will never get him back.”
“Don’t… Don’t do this. Please.”
My tears fall. “You will always be my best friend, Joel. But this—us—it’s never going to work.”
“No.” He turns away from me, taking all his warmth with him and now leaving me colder than ever as my throat burns with the emotion that is ripping me apart.
“Please don’t make this harder,” I whisper.
He turns back to face me, his features laced with melancholy. “I’m not making this anything, Edie, because this isn’t happening.”
“I can’t see any other way out. Lorna said that Dad isn’t coping.”
His sorrow now turns to irritation. “Lorna. Of all people and everything she has done, you believe her?”
“When Dad doesn’t answer my calls, yes.”
“So what, we end what we have because your dad can’t take the fact we love each other. He’s an adult, Edith.”
“And he’s all I have.”
“You have me!” he yells unexpectedly, causing me to flinch.
Pain shoots down my back like hot and cold blades.
Leave him. If you don’t I will destroy you and everyone around you.
I don’t fight my tears anymore. I can’t because the massive hole in my chest is excruciating, and I only have myself to blame.
Nothing I ever do will be right.
"But look what is happening around us, Joel. We are not even into a week where our relationship is out in the open and I’ve already landed in the hospital. Lorna will not stop until her work is done.”
“By the look of it, her work is already fucking done because here we are having the very conversation she’s set out for us to have. She’s won, Edie.”
I’m frustrated with the fact that he is not making this easy for me, yet I hadn’t expected anything less. My heart feels like I’ve dragged it through broken glass and every time I speak, it bleeds more.
I slam my eyes shut as Lorna’s words play over and over in my mind.
Everything he has said is true: she has won. But this is not happening to him. He isn’t the walking target where my stepmother is concerned. I am. He has a mum and dad who love him more than anything. I don’t. Dad is the only thread I have left of my family, and I’ve cut that with the sharpest knife. I’m exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my body battling the onslaught of tears.
You’re the first woman he’s been with in a year.
You're not the lovable kind.
If you want to make this right then leave him.
“It’s for the best.”
“The best for who, Edie?”
I place my hand on my chest and look at him through tears as my voice cracks. “For my heart.”
I can’t breathe.
My entire body is in agony and not just from my injuries.
Lorna has got what she wanted in the end, and once more, I’ve given in to that and let her bring me down.
His hand cups the back of my head. His forehead resting against mine. “Please don’t do this.” The words he whispers are a broken plea. “I know you’re only running because you are scared.”
But I’m not scared. I’m terrified.
After all these years—all the longing, all the fantasising, all the love my heart has wanted to give—I’m now robbing myself of that because I just want everyone outside of our relationship to be fucking happy. Call it what you want. Call me selfish. Call me heartless because of what I’m doing to the man I love more than anything. But no one knows what it is like to have a woman like Lorna watching your every move and after the latest stunt, I’m fucking terrified of what she will do next.
“You said you would do anything for me,” I weep. “So let me go.”
“That’s not fair. Letting you go was never a part of what we are.”
“But we can’t be what we are. Don’t you understand that? We knew this would come with consequences, but look how quickly it’s turned to violence. We have to stop what we have before we get in too deep.”
His eyes close, and the tear that rolls down his cheek shreds my tattered heart.
“I love you, Edith Kennedy. I’m already in deep. But now I feel like I’m drowning.”
“I’m so sorry, Joel,” I whisper.
With a delicate kiss on my forehead, he leaves.
The second he’s out of sight, my body crumbles into thousands of pieces.
I may have done the right thing to protect those I love, but I’ve not done the right thing for my heart.
And I’m going to have to live with that.