Chapter 14
CHAPTER
FOURTEEN
ISLA
My world had once again been turned upside down, and I didn’t know where it started or ended anymore. It was all a clusterfuck, and I was trying to keep up with the disaster that’d become my life. There had to be something I was missing, something none of us were even considering.
After all this time, I sought comfort in the guy who was determined to make me remember what we shared, and it was easy to.
Easier than I thought it’d be. Being in his arms was like coming home.
I stayed there for as long as I could, listening to his heartbeat.
It always had the power to lull and calm me. Even after everything.
I fought like hell not to freak out more than I already had. I wanted to stay strong and not let this break me down. He had his own problems to deal with, one of which was his own flesh and blood, who was still under the same roof as us.
The minutes were ticking by. Every second felt like another bomb blowing up in my head. I wanted to remain strong. It was the only power I still held in this situation. Shaking off the fear, I thought about a possible future with both of them.
Is that even an option?
“Hey,” I announced, shifting my worried regard to meet his. “I know this is a dumb question, but I’m going to ask it anyway. Are you okay?”
He nodded.
“Like for real, or are you just saying that for my benefit? Because I’ll tell you right now, you don’t need to stay strong for me. I’m here for you too.” I inhaled a deep breath. I hated seeing him like this. “What are you not telling me?”
I’d never forget the expression on his face as he replied, “What happens next might make you hate me.”
I jerked back, startled.
He didn’t say a word.
Not one.
“What’s going on?”
When he held his hands in a prayer gesture, sitting on the edge of the bed, I knew whatever he was about to say would set my world on fire.
I just never expected him to be holding the match again.
“Tell me, please.”
“You were always such a good girl when you wanted something from me.”
“No. Don’t do that. Not right now. No flirting. What are you scared of?”
He arched an eyebrow. “You think I’m afraid?”
“You’re panicked, and that’s far worse.”
He softly smiled. “You know me well.”
“I used to think I knew you best.”
“And now?”
“I don’t know.”
“How about you try?”
I hesitated for a minute, trying to gather my thoughts. “Sometimes it feels like I was the only one who really knew you. Other times, it feels as though I never did.”
“I see.”
“Do you?”
“You’re standing right in front of me, Mouse, and you still feel miles away.”
My eyes brimmed with fresh tears.
“Don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it. You’re freaking me out.”
“I wish there was another way.”
“For what?”
“To help you.”
“What are you talking about? All you’ve done since the second you came into my life is help me, Julius.” I held his hands. “Who knows where I’d be if it weren’t for you.”
“Wrong time to be thanking me, Isla. I couldn’t stop myself from being with you.”
My lips parted.
“I thought about you every single day I was gone. You know that, don’t you?”
“Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye to me?”
With determination in his stare, he confided, “I’m never leaving you or that baby again.”
“That baby?”
“As much as I don’t want to acknowledge this, it might be Kraven’s.”
I sucked in a breath, hanging on his every word. “I know…”
“Do you? Do you have any idea how hard this is for me right now? How badly I want to fucking murder him?”
I spoke another truth. “He turned you in to protect me, Julius.”
He scoffed. “Is that what he told you?”
“Yes, and when I think about it, it makes sense.”
“Enlighten me.”
This was my chance to try to make things right between them. It was the only hope I had, having to play mediator. No matter how badly it might hurt Julius to hear this, he needed to know the truth.
“I’m not saying what he did was right. I’m just saying it makes sense.” I paused to gather my words. I didn’t want to mess this up, fully aware I’d only have one chance. “You told me yourself that you and Kraven were used as collateral when it came to your parents’ drug dealings.”
I didn’t have to go any further because I could see it in his expression. He was mindful of where I was going with this, making it easier on me. I was grateful for it, the silent understanding we shared. It hadn’t gone away despite the fact that he did.
Twice.
He bowed his head, the fight in him settling. “Fuck…”
“I’m sorry, Julius, I’m not trying to make this harder for you.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be until now.”
I saw every smile we ever shared.
Every laugh.
Every time he told me he loved me, and I was his best friend for life. No matter what, it was him and me. The memories of all our times together fell right on top of my head like the rain of a thunderstorm.
I tried to stay in the moment, the present, but my mind wouldn’t let go of the past. Not when they both were in my heart and a part of my soul. I couldn’t shake either of them, and the worst part was, I didn’t want to.
I sat there on the balls of my feet, holding myself up when all my body longed to do was fall apart. The two most important men in my life hated each other while I relied on both of them in much different ways.
Where Julius was warm and soft, Kraven was cold and hard; they were complete opposites. Sometimes it was difficult to believe they were even brothers, like night and day.
My golden boy and lone wolf.
The expression on Julius’s face mirrored my own. He was holding on to so much hurt.
Resentment.
Hate.
There was so much I wanted to say, but all I could do was feel. I wept for the innocence we all lost and the scars we’d have to carry for the years to come.
I was the first to break the deafening silence. “Would you ever be able to forgive him?”
Our eyes locked. “Don’t ask me that.”
“Could you forgive him for me? For this baby?”
“Would it be easier for you if I did?”
I frowned.
“Regardless of what happens,” he breathed out. “I can’t compete with him for you anymore. It’s why we’re in this situation in the first place.”
“What does that mean?”
“He’s still here, isn’t he?”
“Does that mean you’re not going to kick him out?”
“Well,” he spoke with conviction, “for the first time in my life, I’m fucking choking on my pride.” He cleared his throat, his jaw tightening. “I can’t save you, Mouse. At least not without him.”
I shivered, fully aware of how difficult that was for him to express. I appreciated it, nonetheless.
“You don’t deserve what happened. You don’t deserve what I put you through, what my mom put you through, what Kraven did.
I’m the reason you sought comfort in him to begin with.
If I hadn’t left you, none of this would’ve happened.
I pushed you into his arms, and I have to live with that.
” He stood. “I’m the one who betrayed you. ”
In true Julius style, he was still in control. Despite feeling as if he didn’t have any. Minutes could’ve turned into days as he tried to convince me.
“I swear to you, it only happened once. Nothing and I mean, nothing, has happened since you’ve been gone this time around. I promise you.”
“Was that for me or for you?” When I didn’t answer, he followed up with, “How long was it going on for?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you have feelings for him. I guess a huge part of me has always known. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there, like he wasn’t pursuing you behind my back—”
“It wasn’t like that. It’s never been like that.”
“How’s it been, then?”
“It’s not like it is with us.”
“But you do love him?”
“Julius, I’m sorry… I don’t know how to answer that without hurting you.”
“I want the truth more than I want anything else.”
“Even if it means you have to forgive your brother?”
“Or what? I’ll lose you?”
Unwavering, I declared, “No, I’ll lose you.”