CHAPTER 16
Her voice keeps echoing in my head.
“Please take me to them. I’m begging you. I need my mum.”
When we were together, she begged me to take her with me, to keep her away from her father… to save her. Now she wants them to save her from me.
I would bring her mother here just to calm her—if only I knew where that bastard has her. I’ve tried to get in touch with her, but the last time we spoke she asked me to keep Lana safe, and that was it. She hung up.
She knows it’s dangerous to get her out of there, but I would do anything for my little spider. Anything but take her back. Her father would use her; he would break her even more.
I need to be her friend. Even if we can’t be a couple again, I can’t stay away from her—for her sake… and for my selfishness too.
I offered her some pills when she came downstairs, but she refused. She hasn’t been with Finn all afternoon. Mom and I are giving him all our attention.
At some point, I gave Lana a necklace with a small gold spider pendant; I meant to give it to her with the flowers. She didn’t accept it, so I left it on the table next to her.
I’m ruining everything.
I gave her space when she wanted to play with Finn. I stood there, watching them, and joined in when the little one came up to me. Lana forced herself to be okay, but she became more and more sad every time Finn left her.
After lunch—which she didn’t eat—she sat curled up on the sofa, staring at Finn playing the toy piano I bought.
Her body gave out after a while, and she fell asleep.
It happened a couple of times when we were dating.
She didn’t explain why, and I didn’t insist. To know what she has been through is enough.
I covered her with a blanket and took Finn to the stable.
I helped him mount Daisy, my mare. She’s a black beauty, and I’ve cared for her since she was a filly.
Lana has been admiring her from afar, and I’ve considered inviting her for a ride, though she looks terrified whenever Daisy is near her, so I don’t think she’ll accept.
At eight o’clock, Lana woke up. She’s been lost in her thoughts ever since.
“Am—Lana.”
She blinks rapidly and looks up. With my head, I gesture to Finn.
“I must grab something. Can you watch him?”
She nods, adjusting herself on the couch.
I ruffle Finn’s hair and get up, heading to the kitchen. I look at Mom, silently asking her to take care of them. She nods.
Three minutes later, I walk back to the living room with a cake and a lit candle on top.
Lana sighs and changes her expression. She scoops Finn into her arms and stands up, propping him on her hip. She, Mom, and I sing Happy Birthday to Finn—my mother in Italian, of course.
I can’t take my eyes off Lana, who stares at her son with tears in her eyes.
Mom records Finn trying to blow out the candle. Lana laughs at his attempts as he covers the cake in drool. My chest swells, and a painful warmth spreads through my body.
Her eyes meet mine, and her smile fades. There’s a pinch in my heart. How much did they lie to her so that the sight of me brings nothing but sadness and disappointment?
“I’m begging you.”
Finn grabs something from Lana’s neck, but she keeps his hand away.
“Who wants cake?” Mom asks in Italian, yanking the plate out of my hands.
She walks into the kitchen. Lana and I stare at each other. I don’t know what to say to her. She’s not talking to me either. Did I do it wrong? Shouldn’t I have bought cake? Did I overstep again? Did—
“Thank you,” she mutters.
I can breathe.
I nod.
Finn puts his hand on her chest once more. He tugs on a chain, but Lana scolds him before I can catch a glimpse of the spider adorning her neck. I must hold back my smirk.
Mom returns to the living room with a small piece of cake. I look at her with a scowl as she hands it to Lana and tells her only he can eat.
“Finn slobbered all over it; don’t think I didn’t see it,” she scolds me.
I snort.
Lana pulls out a small piece and hands it to Finn. His eyes open as wide as they can, and he begs for more, bouncing on his mother’s hip. She smiles again, and my heart pounds.
“Do you want something to eat?” I ask, hopeful. “There’s another—”
“No. Thanks.”
I tighten my lips. She hasn’t eaten at all today, and it’s worrying me. Mom shakes her head as soon as I try to insist.
“For today, let her be,” her gaze says.
An hour later, they head to the bedroom. I follow her, placing one of my hands near her back. I’m worried she’ll faint or fall down the stairs if she loses her balance for a second.
She doesn’t complain or argue.
Once in the room, she closes the door before I'm able to say goodnight.
I can’t ask her for more.
Mom demands that I tell her the truth, yet I can’t yell it all out at once. She’ll think I want to manipulate her into staying with me and away from her family. I’ll lose her.
I stay outside for a while, with my ear to the door. Lana whispers something to Finn, pacing around the room.
She starts singing in Italian—the same song I used to sing to her. The one my grandmother and Aurora used to sing to me…
I lean against the wall and close my eyes as I lose myself in her voice. Humming along with her.
She has no idea how much this means...
“I thought you made that song up just for me!” she says, pouting when the song starts. “I felt special.”
Pavarotti’s voice singing O’ Sole Mio fills the car. I smile.
“You are special, ragnetta. You’re the only person I’ve ever sung to.”
Her smile widens. She holds my hand and then looks out of the window.
God, she’s adorable.
I smile at the memory. That day, we were going on our second official date.
That day, we slept together for the first time. Officially.
I was never so happy as in those three months, despite the trouble we had with her family. Lana brought hope and happiness back into my life… And they took away everything from us.
My sun is now behind a grey cloud, but I trust it will come out soon.
Our story is not over.
“Sta ‘nfronte a te…” she sighs. “Happy birthday, little monster.”
She turns on the shower, and I take that as my cue to head to my room.
Once inside, I open my computer and keep the cameras running, though I don’t check them until she turns off the water.
She comes out of the bathroom a minute later, already dressed, with damp hair. She steps over to Finn’s cot, kneels on the floor, hugs a pillow, and bursts into tears.
I would give anything for her to let me be there, soothing her… But all I can do is wait until she falls asleep to sneak into her room.
Lana is about to wake up.
Every night, she moves on the bed and wakes up a bit later. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she throws up, sometimes she has panic attacks and talks… while I hide under the bed so she won’t find me.
It kills me not being able to contain her while she’s like this. She would kick me out, she would yell at me, and her mental state is already fragile. I don’t want to take a risk and make her worse; she’s alone with Finn, and she’s capable of anything during those episodes.
I can’t close her window, even if I’d like to make sure she won’t throw herself off it, trying to escape.
I hide beneath the bed as she sits, panting.
“Please, please, please,” she whispers, standing up. She paces through her room, breathing heavily while murmuring something. My heart breaks as soon as I realise what it is. “Three things you can touch, two you can smell…”
That’s what I told her the only day I was too far away to comfort her. She still remembers.
She drops to her knees on the floor and scratches the rug, crying silently. Even like that, I can hear her screams in my head.
“Why did you have to do that?” she whispers. “You played me! You used me, and I can’t get you out of my heart!”
I can’t breathe.
“I hate you. I hate you! Please, get away from my life… Please! I don’t want you near me!”
She doesn’t know I’m here, right?
“Please, just let me go… I want—I need my mum… please…”
She hugs herself and cries, looking at the ceiling.
I want to come out and hug her until she gives up. I need her to understand everything that happened.
But right when I’m about to do it, Finn wakes up crying, like most nights. Lana shuts her feelings off and climbs onto the bed.
She doesn’t even sob. Instead, she hums O’ Sole Mio once again.
I need her to trust me. I need her to let me inside her head.
She must understand.