16. Ava
Ican”t stop the thoughts that flood my mind. My brain reacts to Jaxon’s actions by seizing up like muscle memory. Right now, there isn’t a single thought without a filter. I gasp for a breath as I reach my room, sheltering inside for some privacy, but I’m not alone with the loudness inside my head.
One hand presses firmly against my chest, and the other grips my hair. I groan in agony, desperate for these voices and impulses to leave me alone and spare me some peace.
My head whips towards the door, and I lurch forward to lock it. I shove my back against the wood and slowly sink to the floor, sobbing into my hands. As soon as my legs hit the ground, I crumble into a hyper-sensitive state.
I tighten my hands into fists so intensely that my fingernails dig into my palms. My eyes shut as I try to control my breathing, but I can’t seem to distract myself. Everything is so loud, and I cannot push it out.
There is an ache between my brows, growing over my eyes and into the back of my skull. I continue to cry, tears leaking with every sniffle. The harder I cry, the clearer the voices in my head become.
It makes me remember what they made me believe.
Whore.
All your body is good for is to be used by us.
It’s an object. You are our object.
Dirty whore.
My head shakes desperately, trying to rid myself of these horrid memories, but they don’t go anywhere. They linger like parasites by clinging onto my insecurities and making me live through every dreaded moment over again.
I place my hand over my chest and grip my T-shirt; my lungs are seconds away from exploding. My eyes close in an attempt to calm down, but nothing will calm me. Not a single thing.
No one would even want you. Useless piece of shit.
Dirty whore.
Give us a show. It’s the only thing you bitches are good at.
My fingers claw through my hair as I grip the roots and tug. I grit my teeth and groan in agony as they take away my last breath. It never goes away. I want it to go away.
Please make it stop. Please make it stop. I cry to myself over the volume of my living nightmares.
I can’t keep my back against the door as my chest movements become rapid. Nothing is working—not my lungs, not my brain. I am not in control. Have I ever been in control?
Ava. Jaxon’s voice enters my head, and I whimper. Let me help you. I won’t touch you. I won’t do anything to make you uncomfortable. Let me help you like I did last time. Do you remember?
I shake my head at the added voice. It’s so damn loud. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to get them all out. I need this to stop now.
Ava. Listen to my voice, okay? You need to breathe deeper. Take longer breaths.
Tears drip off my jaw as I turn up my nose at his voice. It makes me feel all sorts of things—things I can’t trust.
Leave me alone, I yell through gritted teeth.
Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore.
The things you are thinking are not true. You are not those words.
I choke out a breath and frown at the wall. How can he hear my thoughts?
Please let me in. Let me help you.
Stupid dirty fucking whore.
“Get out!” I scream, pulling at my hair to the point it almost tears my scalp. “Get out of my fucking head!”
Ava– he’s quieter this time, but he’s still there and still burning a hole through my brain.
“Stop it,” I cry into my hands pathetically. My vision is so blurry I can’t even see what’s in front of me. “Stop it.”
Jaxon’s voice doesn’t come again. I’m left alone with these demoralising words and the sound of my own sobbing. The sound of my own heart beginning to crack erupts in my ears.
I am broken. I am nothing. I am useless.
My body slumps to the side of the door, and I hit my head with a thud. I curl up into a ball and attempt to cry away the pain, but after a few long moments, I realise I don’t consume pain; pain consumes me.
When my eyes flutter open,I feel like I’ve been reversed over by a truck. My head pounds, and every inch of my body aches, yet I am empty and hollow.
Panic attacks truly use up every last drop of energy.
I push myself up from the floor where I fell asleep or passed out from hyperventilating. It wouldn’t be the first time I fainted during an episode—I doubt I”ll be the last.
Ava. Jaxon’s voice reaches me again. Are you okay? I’m trying to give you space.
My lips tremble at his words. At least the voices from earlier are gone, and I can finally think clearly. I could sleep forever, and I’d be at peace.
I’m okay, I say bluntly.
I’ve had to leave the house for a couple of hours for some duties. I’ve asked Lucy to check in on you.
I push myself up from the floor on wobbly legs. I make the short distance to my bed before flopping down on the soft mattress. It’s definitely different to camping out on the floor; my back is tight in all the wrong places.
My eyes focus on the ceiling as I release a shuddering breath. Why can’t I be normal? I’m so fucked up that I wonder if I’ll ever stand a chance of going back to how I once was.
Stop saying that, Ava. You are not fucked up.It’s Jax again.
He’s reading my thoughts. How? I’m too exhausted to argue right now.
I thought you were giving me space, I respond blankly.
Jaxon’s voice flitters for a moment. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hear your thoughts, he states slowly, and each word sounds so sincere that it’s hard to digest. When you think something with intense passion, it floats into my mind the next second. It’s a part of our bond that connects us. I’ll teach you how to put your shields up. I don’t want to intrude on your privacy.
I have questions, but I don’t have any energy, I mindlink weakly.
Then save it. Please can we talk when I get back?
My eyelids shut, and I twist onto my side, tucking myself into a tiny ball with my head firmly on the pillow.
Ava?
Okay.
I’ll see you later.
Once the mindlink between us disappears and the place he was occupying in my brain vanishes, a wave of emptiness settles inside me. One minute, his presence calms me, and I know our bond is a big reason. Then the next minute, the thought of being too close to him makes my skin crawl, and all these memories come flooding back.
I open my mouth and drag my tongue along my bottom lip. Every part is bone dry, and I peel myself from the bed desperate for a drop of water. I unlock the door and slowly descend the stairs, where I approach Jaxon’s private kitchen.
But I stop in my tracks when I hear voices.
“Did you hear her scream last night?” asks a voice I don’t recognise.
“No, I didn’t. Was she alright?” That’s Kayden. My body shudders.
I don’t dare take another step. I stand right where I am and listen. I shouldn’t listen. I should walk away, but something is forcing me to stay.
“I dunno. She’s weird, man—like so weird. She’s been here for a few months and is acting like some freak.”
My heart sinks. I know they’re talking about me. “Don’t say shit like that,” Kayden snaps, his voice bouncing off the kitchen walls. “You don’t know her. None of us know her. She’s our future Luna. Jaxon would slaughter you for this.”
The other guy tuts loudly. “Still, she isn’t going to be like Julia, is she? How could someone like her be our Luna? There is no way Jaxon is going to stand for this. He’s nose blind because of how he felt with Julia before. He’s just giving anyone a go.”
“Stop being a fucking ass,” Kayden grumbles. “You don’t know if she’s going to be like Julia. None of us know that. She’s still learning to be around the pack. She’s human, remember? This isn’t easy for her. Speaking awfully about the Alpha’s mate is a low blow, even for you, Sam.”
“All I’m saying is Jaxon could do so much better. It sounds like she’s got baggage–and a lot of it, too. It doesn’t sound fun.”
Bile rises in my throat at the harshness of his words. Baggage? Tears well in my eyes, but I tell myself not to start crying here. Not in case either of them catches me with their heightened senses.
“He isn’t going to leave her. No matter what you or I or anyone think. Good for him; he should do what makes him happy. She’s going to be our future Luna, whether you like it or not,” Kayden says, but with more determination this time.
“Well, he should. She’s just going to bring the pack down.” Sam laughs. “And you haven’t even found your mate, and you sound like a love-sick superhero, trying to save the day as always. Grow up.”
“Keep running your mouth, Sam,” Kayden threatens. “And we’ll see what Jaxon thinks of your disgusting opinions.”
I cannot control my state of mind as it wanders.
Weak.
Pathetic.
Dirty whore.
The thoughts start invading once more, and I can’t remove them.
Weak.
Pathetic.
Dirty whore.
“Stop,” I whisper to myself. “Stop it.”
Weak.
Pathetic.
Dirty whore.
My feet patter against the cold floor as I make my way back upstairs. I run into the bathroom, and at the same time my knees hit the floor, I throw up my entire stomach’s intake. I haven’t eaten anything in a while, but it’s mostly bile, which stings my throat.
I groan in distress and slump to the side, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Crap,” I curse as my stomach growls. I close my eyes at the discomfort.
Are you okay? Jaxon must be able to feel my pain. What’s wrong, Ava?
I’m fine, I respond before imagining a large brick wall between us.
I don’t know if this counts as shielding, but it”s the first thing I think of.
My knees quiver as I rise onto them and flush the toilet. I tug myself up to stand on my feet, and then stare at the wall behind hazy eyes. My actions take control of me. I don’t even think about what I’m doing next. My fingers lock the bathroom door, and I step into the shower.
I turn on the showerhead to the hottest setting and bend over. At first, it’s freezing. But after a few minutes, it begins to heat up until my T-shirt practically melts into my back at the intensified heat. I don’t realise I’m crying.
This is the only way to make it go away.
I choke back my sobs, biting onto my bottom lip so sharply I break the skin, and the blood seeps into my mouth. My teeth grit at the heat of the water as it pours over every inch of my back.
Screaming out in misery as I slip to my knees, I grip my soaking hair and bawl as the water scalds my skin. All I can think in my head is—you deserve this.