17. Jaxon
The second I knew Ava was hurting herself, I abandoned my meeting with the district Alphas and raced home as fast as possible. Despite her unskilled attempt to try and block me out, I could still feel every inch of her physical pain.
I roar at Lucy through our mindlink to check on Ava before it’s too late. I won’t get home in time, but at least she will be there with the pack doctors on standby. The journey back to the house is silent and agonising. By the time I cross our territory borders and run to the front door, I’m up the stairs quicker than I can blink.
My hand presses to Ava’s door, and I find my sister sitting beside her on the bed with Gemma to her left. She’s lying on her front, and my eyes roam her bare back. It’s clear of broken skin, but it remains red and blotchy.
“Is she okay?” I whisper as my eyes flick to her face.
She looks peaceful, but I can’t help but feel she’s content being asleep. It makes my chest compress to the point my lungs can’t even take a breath. Lucy looks at me, and I don’t miss the tears in her eyes.
“She’s okay.” She nods weakly. “I got to her in time. It was bad.”
“Are you okay?” I ask as I sit beside her.
My sister has always had thick skin, but I know when she’s sad, she feels it to the extreme. It’s connected to her witch powers, heightening everything, including her wolf’s senses. I don’t know how she handles it some days.
“I-I just can’t keep seeing her hurt herself like this, Jaxon.” Her lips tremble. “She deserves so much better than this. I don’t know what else we can do. Goddess, she was screaming. She was screaming so loud.”
I wrap my arm over my sister”s shoulder, and I tug her into my side. My eyes close at the description. Her screams destroy me every time.
“You’re right; she deserves better.”
Gemma walks around the bed after checking on Ava. “Alpha.” She bows. “She’s stable for now, but I suggest when she wakes up, she comes to see me in my office.”
“Thank you,” I tell her gratefully as she leaves. “And, Luce, thank you. I mean it. I don’t know what I would do without you these last few months. I’ve been a mess.”
She peeks her head up from my shoulder. “You weren’t a mess; you were grieving. Now, you’re on a completely new journey with your old one still intact. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
“What I’m going through?” I repeat. “I couldn’t give a shit what I’m going through. That would be incredibly selfish when I know she’s struggling.”
Lucy gives me a sympathetic smile. “Just because she’s struggling doesn’t mean your struggles aren’t valid.”
“I know, but she’s the priority.”
She grabs my hand to give it a quick squeeze. “Gemma put her in some pyjama pants, but let me wrap her in a cardigan. She said she should wake soon. We should give her some space.”
“No.” I shake my head. “Not after she’s done this for the second time. She could have killed herself, Lucy. I am not taking any more chances. Not when I know her mental state is this fragile.”
My sister flashes me a conflicting look. “Jaxon–”
“I am not leaving her alone. I am not letting this happen again. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Okay,” she sighs. “Be gentle with her.”
“I’m always gentle, Luce.”
“I know.”
Lucy gives me a quick hug before sliding a cardigan onto Ava’s arms and over her back as she sleeps softly. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah,” I whisper as she leaves the room.
My eyes cut back to Ava. This is all my fault. I set her off in the kitchen. I should never have touched her without permission.
I glance at my hands and snarl at my own audacity. That is not how you treat your mate. I wasn’t respectful of her wishes.
My legs carry me from the bed to the chair. I’m vibrating, and my wolf refuses to calm down. She was in so much mental pain that she chose to hurt herself again. The static in the room is crying out for me to comfort her, but I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. I need her consent. I refuse to have another situation like this.
A few minutes pass until she finally wakes up, and I shuffle to the edge of my seat, resting my elbows over my knees with my hands entwined.
“Hi,” I exhale.
Her droopy eyes flick around the room before they land on mine. I expect her gaze to light up with fear, but today, I don’t see that; instead, I see a tsunami of sadness, and that cuts even deeper.
Ava releases an uncomfortable whine as she attempts to push herself up from the bed and grabs onto the cardigan to wrap it around her body. “How are you feeling?”
All she can do is shake her head. I frown instantly.
“Take a drink.” I gesture to the water on the nightstand. “I know you’re thirsty.”
Those lifeless eyes move to the bottle, and she leans over with shaky hands to take it. I watch her crack the lid slowly and draw it to her lips, letting droplets roll down her jaw as she consumes it. “Easy,” I tell her.
She gasps for a breath before placing it back down. “How is your back feeling?”
Her nose scrunches at the question. “Fine.”
Far from it. The instincts from her mind channel towards my own.
“Gemma asked for you to go down and see her when you wake up,” I explain. “That’s if you want to.”
“No,” she snaps. “I don’t want to.”
My lips twist downwards. “Okay, that’s fine.”
Ava’s shoulders droop, and her arms stay firmly over her chest. “I don’t need you here.”
I sigh. “Alright. You want me to go?”
“Yes.”
No.
“You want to be alone?”
“Yes.”
No. No. No.
The words make my brain twitch. Goddess. How am I meant to leave when she won’t even tell me the truth? She doesn’t want to be alone but is too terrified to admit it.
“Can I ask you one question before I go, Ava?”
She doesn’t nod or answer; instead, she stares back at me.
I lower my head along with my heavy heart.
“Is there anything I can do to help you through this? Because I feel utterly useless standing by and doing nothing.”
She blinks at my question. A gleam reflects in her eyes as she shakes her head once before pausing and then shaking it again. Every inch of me deflates in defeat.
“Okay.” I stand from the chair and walk towards the door. Her eyes stalk my every step. “If you need me, you can mindlink me, or I’ll be downstairs, okay? If you’re not feeling right and can’t talk to me, please at least talk to Gemma or Lucy. They are more than willing to be there when you need them.”
My eyes are tight when they roam across her face. I offer her a small smile before I open the door and step outside.
“Wait–”
Her voice has me freezing in my tracks. I turn slowly, knowing better than to crowd her. I give her space. I wait and listen. Our gazes meet, and her hands pick at the skin around her nails. I despise the action because I know she does it when she’s anxious.
“Yeah?”
A single tear rolls down her cheek. “D-don’t go,” she whispers tragically, and I sag in relief and torment all rolled into one. “I’m tired of feeling alone.”
My fingers itch to lean over and cuddle her. What I wouldn’t give to make her feel comfortable enough to hug me—to prove to her all I want to give is affection and care. Nothing less.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I whisper back.
Ava’s lips quiver until she breaks down, sobbing into her hands uncontrollably. My heart moves to my throat, and my wolf screams at me to do something.
I step towards the bed and bend to the edge to not intimidate her.
“Ava–”
“I couldn’t make them go away.”
“Make what go away?”
“The thoughts. They were everywhere. They were so loud.”
More tears sprout from her eyes as her breathing increases.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Ava? I would have been there for you.”
“Because I’m scared,” she chokes.
I study her pink cheeks and glossy eyes. “Scared of what?”
“Of everything. Of everyone finding out I’m crazy.”
“You are not crazy, Ava. That is the last thing you are.”
Her trembling mouth parts as she attempts to catch her irregular breath. “All the voices are so loud. They felt so real. I felt them. I heard them.”
“You didn’t,” I reassure her. “They were a fragment of your imagination—nothing more. They weren’t real. They’re not here, and they will not hurt you again.”
Ava’s head rises as she sniffles softly. “You heard them,” she whispers. “The thoughts in my head. Do you think they are true?”
“No.” I furrow my brows. “No. Not a single thought is true.”
“I feel like they are.”
“They’re not. I promise you.”
Ava wraps her arms around her legs in a well-needed hug. I wish I could be the one to give that to her, but I keep my distance—as I should have done last night. “Did you hurt yourself because of the thoughts?”
“I know your pack think I’m weak.”
“They don’t know you well enough to even think that incorrect statement.”
She presses a pale hand to her face to wipe a rogue tear. “Not incorrect when I heard them talking.”
My back stiffens at her confession. “Who said something to you?”
“H-he said I have baggage, and you would do better without me,” she murmurs in a harsh whisper. “I know that’s true. I’m only bringing all of you down. Making you weaker.”
“Ava.” I try to calm the beast swirling inside me. “Who said this to you?”
But she doesn’t look at me; she stares at the duvet as she carries on. “He said I will never be as good as Julia. I will never be able to stand by your side. I’m an embarrassment.”
Frustration grinds in my bones. “Tell. Me. Who.”
“Sam and Kayden. I overheard them talking.”
“Kayden?” My brows fly towards my hairline.
Ava shakes her head. “He was standing up for me. It was Sam who did the damage.”
I grit my teeth and tell my wolf to halt its paws for a moment before we tear through the house to find the soon-to-be-dead fucker. The audacity to talk about his future Luna like that. I’m going to have him squirming with apologies.
“I appreciate you telling me,” I exhale as calmly as possible. “And I promise he’s not going to get away with this. It’s unacceptable. I’m sorry you heard his bullshit lies. Please do not listen to them.”
Ava hops off the bed, shaking out her hands before lacing them through her hair. I rise from the floor. “I feel so out of control all the time,” she whimpers. “I just want it all to stop.”
“I’m here for you. I know it’s not been easy, but I am. Whenever you need me.”
Her hands grip her arms as she releases a strangled sound. “I feel their words, I feel their–” she cuts herself off on a sob. “Their hands and their gazes. I feel all of it, and I wish I could turn it off. I want to turn it off.”
I walk around the bed with my chest gaping open. “Ava–”
“When they touched me,” she murmurs through a cry. “When they used my body. When they took away my own rights, I was nothing but an object to them.”
My eyes pinch at the pain behind them, and her shoulders shake in agony. Fuck.
“I will never be the same again,” Her voice echoes around the room. “I’ll never be the Ava I want to be. That’s why I don’t want to be here in this life…because it’s not mine. This isn’t what I set out for myself.”
She rotates her body towards me. I find her cheeks stained with tears and her eyes puffy and red. “No one will ever want me for the mess they’ve left behind. Because I am. I’m a mess, and I don’t think I’m ever going to get better.”
Then she completely breaks down…into pieces. A thousand tiny pieces.
“Ava,” I strain. “Please. Please. Just let me hold you. I nee–”
I cut myself off and remind my wolf this isn’t about me. This is about her choices. Her consent. It’ll always be about her consent.
“Please will you let me hold you?”
Ava takes a wobbly step forward before crashing her body into my chest. I immediately wrap my arms around her and clutch the back of her head with my large hand. A wave of solace runs through my body at the connection.
She continues to cry and whimper, her hands latching onto the back of my T-shirt in an iron grip. I close my eyes at the soreness of them and the desperation for my body to take away her pain.
“It’s okay,” I whisper into the top of her head. “I got you, baby. I got you.”
An electric force field shields us from everything outside this embrace. Instead, I channel positive thoughts and happy affirmations towards her. I don’t want to overwhelm her, but I do it gradually over time.
After a few moments, Ava’s breathing slows, and her cries become quieter. I don’t let go, not for a single second. I adore the way her body fits against mine like we’re two pieces of a puzzle.
My lips press to the crown of her head in a delicate kiss as I hear her release a soft pant into my chest. She doesn’t pull away, so I don’t make a move to either. My skin tingles from all the comfort that flows between us, and her heartbeat begins to regulate with mine. It’s a strange yet euphoric feeling.
A hug with a mate can definitely attempt to heal some scars, but Ava’s trauma runs deep, and it’s going to take a while for her to find peace within herself—in which I’m ready to be patient. I’ve got all the time in the world, especially for her. I’ll be there through every step she takes.
“You are never alone,” I murmur into her hair. “You will never be alone again. I promise.”