18. Ava
Astroke of warm sunlight hits my face as I slowly stir from my sleep. My hands lift to rub my eyes, and I slump back into the pillows. I feel somewhat better than yesterday. My body still feels psychologically and physically exhausted, but after my conversation with Jaxon, things felt more doable.
Most hugs say nothing at all, but hugs from Jaxon say a million different things. They might be silent, but I can hear them. Even if the last thing I wanted to do was give into the bond, I can’t refuse myself calmness, especially when it feels authentic.
I swipe the sheets from my body and stand on achy legs. My arms lift above my head, and I stretch out to my maximum capacity. I glance down at my bedside table to find a note with a few words scribbled down.
Never forget how strong you are
Jax
I blink at the paper and take it in my hands. A small zap rushes down my spine when I pick it up, like an electrical current that tightens our bond.
My hands press the small note to my chest, and I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. I already know that flashbacks and panic attacks are always going to be a part of my life. They’re embedded into my veins. Yesterday was the first time in forever I felt like I wasn’t alone in this dark era.
It was nearly impossible to tell Jax I didn’t want him to leave. But when I saw him walking out that door, I couldn’t bear the thought of actually being alone—especially if those thoughts came back.
I don’t want to hurt myself, but sometimes, it’s like my body has been taken over, and I have zero control. The pain is so torturous that I’d rather make myself suffer than deal with my loud thoughts. I don’t necessarily want to end everything, but I get carried away. It’s so easy to give in to the pain.
Deep inside my heart, I want to give myself as much self-love as possible. I’ve been deprived of it for such a long time. I’ve forgotten what looking after yourself actually looks like. I want to get better; I just don’t know if I’m physically capable of doing so.
I look at Jax’s message again. Strong. Strong. I am far from it.
My fingers smooth out the note as I pin it back down to my bedside table. I might be in need of reading that later. I know it’s only a few words, but it means more to me than I could’ve known.
After getting dressed and shoving my hair up into a ponytail, I head downstairs for something to eat. My stomach growls at me. I don’t remember the last time I ate.
I peek my head inside Jaxon’s private kitchen to find it empty. My shoulders droop in relief as I step inside and work my way around the fridge and the cupboards to throw something together.
Once I’ve toasted a slice of bread and buttered it, I raise it to my lips to take the first bite. The hairs on the back of my neck stand, and my eyes focus on the counter ahead of me. This feeling isn’t like when Jaxon is around; it feels like danger…like trouble.
A tall figure appears in the kitchen doorway, and in a flash, I glance over. “Hey, Ava.” Kayden’s voice traps me in a frozen stance. “How are you?”
I follow him with my eyes like a hawk as he walks towards the coffee machine. My heart pounds against my ribcage so loudly I can hear it in my ears. My fingers seize up around the piece of toast, and I struggle to swallow what’s in my mouth.
Just because he’s a Beta, doesn’t mean he’s bad, I remind myself.
Kayden turns around when I say nothing. “Sorry if I startled you,” he adds gently. “Even if I am heavy on my feet. Do you want a coffee?”
I can’t respond. I can’t even move.
Fear paralyses every inch of my body, and I drop my toast to the floor. It hits the ground with a pathetic splat.
“Ava?” Kayden sounds concerned now.
Breathe, Ava. Breathe, I chant in my head. He’s harmless. He’s harmless. At least, I think he’s harmless.
My knees wobble, and I know it won’t be long until they give out. I’m barely standing as it is. “Take a seat.” He rushes forward to pull out a stool. “For the love of the Goddess, please do not pass out on me.”
I can’t guarantee it.
My backside hits the chair before my ankles snap. I try to push through the cloud my head is currently in. Everything is so hazy. Oh, God. Why? I want it to stop. Please. Stop.
“Here.” Kayden is in front of me again and is passing me a glass of water. “It might help.”
I raise a shaky hand to take it. My body knows better than I do. My fingers latch around the glass, and I tilt it towards my lips. Kayden doesn’t release the cup, and I’m relieved. It would have smashed within seconds.
The water is cold and delicious but does nothing to make my creeping panic attack go away. I pull back the glass, and Kayden places it on the counter before levelling his brown eyes with mine. “Are you feeling okay? You’re really pale, and I’m slightly terrified.”
I gasp silently. He’s so damn close. My throat seizes up.
“Ava–” Jaxon’s voice floats into the room. “Did you touch her?”
“What? No,” Kayden defends himself. “I don’t know what’s wrong. I came in, and she started looking real pale, like she was about to faint. I didn’t do anything.”
Jaxon steps to my side, and I focus on his handsome face. The deep concern on his expression makes my heart beat out of time. As he moves closer, the bond wraps around my lungs and widens them, giving me a chance to breathe properly since Kayden walked into the kitchen.
“Are you feeling okay?” Jaxon asks, flicking his eyes between mine slowly.
I merely nod. My tongue extends to drag along my bottom lip.
“Gemma,” I blurt out.
“What?”
“Gemma. I want to see Gemma.”
Jaxon nods his head once. “Let me take you there.”
I hop off the stool, trusting my legs a little too early. My knees literally cave, and Jaxon grabs my arm gently to stabilise my balance before I hit the floor and make a fool out of myself.
“It’s alright,” he murmurs when I stare up at him with embarrassment. “I got you.”
His hand remains on mine for a moment. All that warmth spreads down my limbs with attention and care. His reflex was so quick I didn’t even see his arm shoot out to catch me.
I shake it off and walk out of the kitchen without sparing another look at Kayden. My feet automatically carry me towards the infirmary. I’ve been here a fair few times now, it”s like muscle memory.
My knuckles rise to knock on Gemma’s door. A few seconds later, it opens, and she stares at me with a small smile. “Hi, Ava. How are you?”
“C-can I have a session?” I exhale before my chest holds my intentions a secret. “I really need one.”
Gemma bows her head and steps out of the way. “Of course. Come in, Ava.”
I take one step forward and then glance back at Jaxon, who is smiling at me with support. “I’ll wait for you out here.”
My eyes don’t leave his as I stall for a moment. “Ava?” Gemma says.
“Do you want to come in with me?” I ask Jaxon.
He blinks at my request. “Sure.” He nods. “You definitely want me to?”
“If it’s too much for you, then you don’t have to.”
“No.” He steps forward immediately. “I want to. I want to be there for you.”
I nod and clear my throat. “Okay.”
When I turn back to Gemma, she’s beaming at Jaxon as I walk inside her office. Jaxon waits for me to take a seat, but he doesn’t know I don’t like to sit down. I don’t like being confined. I express myself better when I’m walking around because it helps my blood flow. It also reminds me I can leave whenever I want. If I sit down, I know my entire body will cramp up from the nightmares of my past.
“Jaxon, please sit.” Gemma points at any of the available chairs.
I stand near the window and pace slowly. All the air I suck down fills my lungs. When Gemma casually leans against her desk, legs in front of her with her hands on her thighs, I realise I am in the limelight.
Jaxon sits on the chair directly opposite me and rests his forearms over his knees.
“Ava, why did you want to see me today?” Gemma asks.
I twiddle with my fingers as I stare at the walls covered in quotes and art. Usually, I focus on one and take it in, but today, I’m conscious of Jaxon being here, even though I invited him.
“When I see Kayden, I feel everything inside me freeze,” I exhale and close my eyes. “I don’t want to associate him with the Beta from–”
My throat feels like razor blades.
“It’s okay, Ava. Take your time,” Gemma says softly.
I open my eyes to find Jaxon staring back at me with a sensitive expression.
“I don’t want to associate him with Damon, Lucien’s Beta. He did things to me the others didn’t. He hurt me. He took from me. He violated me in more ways than any of the others. And I can feel that Kayden and–” I take a second. “Damon are different people, but my brain seems to think I have to be cautious—just in case.”
Gemma hums softly. “And is seeing Kayden a trigger for you?”
I nod. “But I don’t want it to be.”
“It’s something we can definitely work through,” she says. “Did something happen before this?”
“I was alone with him in the kitchen. Nothing happened. He saw I didn’t look well and helped me onto a chair before I passed out. I wish I could take the reins on these thoughts, but I can’t. It feels impossible.” I begin pacing again.
“Well, how about you try being around Kayden but with other people present? People you are comfortable with. Lucy, perhaps.”
My gaze immediately settles on Jaxon’s. “I’m feeling a lot more comfortable with Jaxon now,” I admit.
“That’s great.” Gemma’s expression widens. “Taking one day at a time. That’s wonderful, Ava.”
“If anything is ever wrong, you know you can mindlink me,” Jaxon adds, and the smoothness of his voice sends chills down my spine. “I felt your distress. That’s why I came down to see what was going on.”
I look at Gemma. “Our bond does that now. It’s growing stronger than before.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“Good and scared.”
“Scared, why?”
“I’m scared I won’t know how I’m truly feeling because the bond is masking it,” I explain with my fingers entangled. “I know it doesn’t tell me what to feel, but I worry it’s all an illusion, and I’ll be left with nothing at the end of it.”
Gemma folds her arms over her chest casually. “And I totally understand that, Ava. I do. But like you said, bonds don’t tell you what to feel. If anything, they tell the truth. All the things you feel with Jaxon might seem like they’re forced, but they’re not. Your body wouldn’t allow you to feel him unless you bring your walls down on your own and accept him in.”
My brows crease. Is that true?
“Do you remember when you first met?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you feel the bond, then?”
I clear my throat. “It was non-existent.”
“Exactly, because you weren’t accepting it. But now that you’ve experienced the bond, your body and emotions are letting it in slowly. None of it is fake by any means. Being with Jaxon might calm your panic and help you when you’re having a bad day, but you’re only accepting his help because your body trusts that it’s safe. I think in your subconscious, you think it, too.”
“Oh,” I exhale and stop pacing.
Jaxon’s lip curls. “Everything you’ve done in the last few months has been down to you, Ava,” he states. “I might have helped along the way, but for you to get where you are today, that’s all you. It has nothing to do with our bond. You came to Gemma on your own accord, and you’ve been making an effort with Lucy. Do you have bonds with them like you do with me?”
I let my lashes brush my cheek as an unknown feeling washes over my chest. It feels a lot like pride, but I don’t let myself hold onto it for too long. “No,” I whisper.
“No,” he clarifies with soft eyes, making my knees melt. “You did all of that on your own because you are strong—a lot stronger than you believe you are. And I’ll remind you every day until you believe it, too.”
My cheeks heat, remembering the note he left me this morning. Thank you, I say through our mindlink without hesitation.
Don’t thank me for stating the truth. I’m your mate, and I will support you through every wobble, through your tears, through your doubts. All of it.
I can’t take my eyes off him when he looks at me like that. He’s proud and has a lot of confidence in me. My walls have been falling day by day, but right now, they’re on the floor, and every ounce of the bond surrounds me.
My heart glows from the inside out. I admire his kind face while I take a slow breath. I might not be able to trust him with everything yet, but we both know I’m not the same person I was when he first found me.
He’s right. I’ve done most of this by myself, and I recognise the shell I’ve started to shed. Every day will be different from the last, and I doubt I’ll ever get off this rollercoaster, but I need to learn to cope with my irrational thoughts and feelings.
I’m proud of you. Jaxon’s voice is smooth like silk.
Tears swim in my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, they’re not because I’m sad. It’s relieving to let myself go and submit to all the kindness I want to feel for my own sanity.
He stands up, and I crank my neck to meet his gaze. And I know you’re proud of yourself, too, even if you won’t give yourself the full credit.
One day at a time.
One day at a time, he confirms.