Chapter Nineteen Rage
It has been a couple weeks since Whip was in the hospital and my current secrets came out.
I decided that moving Mason to my house on the compound was best for everyone.
I had a room set up and done for him when I first found out about him.
He has been going to classes with Lash’s kids and I have never been more thankful for his mama.
She took him on, no questions asked. He has gotten really close with Declan and for that I am grateful as well.
So he has been spending a lot of time over at the McGraw household.
It is like seeing my relationship with Lash in the next generation.
I have yet to introduce him to my family.
My dad has called, but I’m too busy being angry at myself and him.
It might be stupid to feel any type of anger towards him, but he never showed me what a good woman looked like.
He might think that I found that when he married Liz, but all I saw was him marrying a woman who yet again fell pregnant with his kid.
I love my younger siblings and Liz has been an amazing mother to them, do not get me wrong.
But would dad have wanted to stay with her if she wasn’t pregnant?
Who knows. It's a question that spins in my head all the time.
It makes me look at my relationship with Rose.
I know that I wanted her long before she was pregnant.
I knew I was feeling all those things before, but would I have changed myself to the core if I hadn’t found out she was pregnant.
That is really something I have been reflecting on.
I guess it really doesn’t matter because she has made it abundantly clear that she is done with me. I can’t even get her to talk to me.
I sigh as I head out the door with Mason. He just looks at me with concern on his face.
“Are you okay, dad?”
He started calling me dad this week and I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. It was not something I ever thought I would have.
“Yeah bud, I’ll be fine. Just thinking about your little sibling and what their mama is doing.”
I explained everything to him about the fact that he was going to have a sibling here in April. I of course told him that the baby’s mother and I were not together, but I was hoping that one day we can figure things out.
“Do you think she will talk to you before the baby is born? It would be cool if we knew if it was a brother or sister. I’d love to help you design a room for them.”
“I’d like that a lot, buddy.”
We continue walking down our driveway and down the road.
Sophie invited us over to dinner tonight and I know that Lash has told her everything that has been going on and I am sure I am in for whatever lecture she is going to want to give me.
I don’t know if I have it in me to deal with all that tonight, but I guess I need to stop running from all the bullshit.
When we get to their house I notice that Dragon’s bike is there as well as Twisters.
I don’t know the other bike, but I’m assuming it is his old man, Domino’s.
I really wasn’t expecting more people, but what the hell.
Mason must also notice the extra bikes in the drive because he perks up.
“Oh sweet, it looks like more of your brothers are here. I’m super excited to meet more of your family.” He then kind of looks up at me before he quickly looks away.
“What is it, Mason?”
I stop him just before we walk up to the porch.
“Um, well I—-” he clears his throat and looks up at me again.
“I was just wondering when you thought that I could meet your dad. I mean I am super happy that I finally got to meet some of your family, but I would really like to meet my grandpa, grandma, aunts and uncles. I never really had that before.”
Mason has been in therapy, where the therapist has been working with him on talking to me about the things he wants and needs.
He is working through all of the mess going on in his head and learning that no matter what he asks I’m not going to leave him or use him the way his mother’s family did after she died.
I don’t really know if I want to deal with my dad right now, but I think for Mason I am going to have to.
“It’s just, this is something I’ve really never had before. Mom’s family was never around until she died and then they really just wanted to use me to get to you. I think it is amazing that you have a family that is both blood and not blood. I've talked to Declan a lot about it.
He explained to me that everyone of the brothers is his uncle, but most of them he calls by their roadname because they aren’t really family like that. They are their parents’ found family. I don’t want to keep you from seeing your family. I know that everything is hard to explain,
but I’d love to be able to get to know them and spend time with them. Um if that is okay with you.”
“Of course it is okay with me. I will talk to your grandpa, okay? We will find a time. Now let's get inside before everyone else eats all of Aunt Soph’s food.”
Two hours later we are sitting around the living room while the kids are downstairs doing whatever the hell they are doing. The twins are up here doing some playing on their floor mats.
“So boys, what in the hell is going on?”
“Oh here we go. Is this why you brought us here?” Dragon asks.
“Cane, don’t get an attitude. I want to know what the hell is going on. I’m your big sister. I deserve to know. Also I’m like Caleb’s best friend, so.”
Lash looks at her and makes an offended grunt noise, “Excuse me, wife. I am his best friend. You are his best friend by marriage.”
I roll my eyes at the two of them as Lash leans in and whispers something in her ear. She smacks him on the arm and rolls her eyes.
“Can you guys stop with the mushy? I didn’t come here to watch you guys fondle each other. Gross.” Twister says as he puts his hand on Isabella’s thigh.
Isabella giggles next to Twister and puts her hand on Domino’s thigh. I swear their relationship dynamic is interesting. Both men are in love with her and they are also in love with each other.
“Okay, well I’m sorry baby brother. I won’t be mushy in my own home with my husband. Now Cane, tell me what the hell is going on? I hear you’re going to be a daddy and you kind of already took on two boys as yours as well.”
“Okay, listen, yes Liza is pregnant.”
“And how come you didn’t know? Also how did we not even know that you were seeing someone seriously that you’ve basically said those boys of hers are yours? I have so many questions and I want some answers. You didn’t think I invited you all here to eat my food. If I didn’t want dirt,
I would’ve just invited Mason.”
She turns and looks at me with a smirk, “No offense, Caleb.”
I chuckle at her, “No offense taken, Soph.”
“Alright, Cane, talk.”
Dragon runs a hand down his face and sighs.
“Well, I was seeing this woman for a while before everything that happened with mama.
I met her through school with Peyton and Parker.
I fell hard and I fell fast. When shit went down with mama, I was afraid of not being able to protect her and the boys.
I mean she wasn’t even my ol’ lady and she didn’t have any type of protection from the club.
Even with that protection I didn’t think that there was any way to protect her with everything that happened with mama.
So I came up with a plan to push her away until I felt like everything was safe.
It was messy, but nothing happened. I made her believe I was still fucking other people and she walked into my home where another girl was there.
It was a girl you went to high school with, so I knew her and she did me a favor.
I said some fucked up shit to her to make her think that I had been fucking other bitches the whole time we were together.
It was a whole fucking thing. I haven’t seen her since then, until the other week where I bumped into her and the boys at the grocery store.
I about swallowed my fucking tongue when I saw that she was pregnant.
Apparently the night I pulled my shit to protect her, she had come to tell me about the pregnancy.
Then I guess she must have decided not to tell me.
I haven’t gone over to talk to her. I don’t know what the fuck to say to her. I mean I think it makes sense what I did and I did it for a good reason, but will she see it that way? Probably fucking not. I messed up and I don’t know how to fix it or even get her to talk to me.”
“Well Cane, she isn’t going to be able to forgive you if you don’t make an effort. You haven’t even gone to her? You found out she was pregnant and you haven’t gone to see her?”
“I was in shock for the most part and then come on how do I even explain myself?”
Sophie shakes her head, “I’m going to listen to what this one has to say and then I’m going to give you both some hard truths. So what is going on now Caleb? I want everything. You’ve always been able to talk to Toby and me. So talk to us now. Stop keeping everything to yourself.
You don’t have to be strong for everyone all the time.”
I sigh and look around at the people that are with me.
This family has been there for me ever since I was brought here.
This is my found family, my people. I know that I have kept a lot of shit close to the chest with everyone and I know they will not judge me.
I rub my hand down my face and lean forward so that my forearms are resting on my thighs.
Looking down at the ground because really, I am ashamed of how I have acted and the more time I go without seeing Rose, the worse that feeling gets.
“I was seeing Rose, Peyton and Parker’s friend.
I met her the same time that Cane met Liza.
I was with her all the time. There really wasn’t any time that I wasn’t with her.
I told myself that I was just getting her out of my system.
That really what I had with her wasn’t anything special.
Then the more time passed and I didn’t want to be apart from her.
Then the situation with your mama happened.
Everything came spiraling back to me. I didn’t see Missy there on the ground, I saw my mother and all the fucking shit from my childhood came rushing back.
It was like that wall I put up to keep it all out came tumbling down.
I knew you guys were going through shit, but I felt like my chest was going to explode and that’s why I got out of there.