Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Clara knew that her decision not to leave was more than last-minute cold feet.
If she was truthful with herself, her heart had never been in it.
She simply got carried away with the idea of such a coveted post. She blamed herself for not being more honest with everyone from the start, least of all herself.
It wasn’t the best idea leaving it as late as two days before she was due to join, having sold half her furniture and resigning from the job she loved in the process.
It was a valuable lesson she learned to always stay true to herself from now on.
When Tom left, after a magical evening, she had two priorities on her mind. The first was to start looking for Josh to get him the letter that Tom had written with her help last night, and the second was to inform King’s College that she wouldn’t be joining them.
It was early to send a professional email, so Clara started with Facebook.
She had obtained the new surname that Josh used from Tom.
One quick search found him immediately. She looked at the photo of this younger-looking Tom and smiled.
They might have had a terrible relationship by the end but there was no denying that Tom was his dad.
She noticed that striking smile and those beautiful twinkling eyes.
Now she could picture what Tom must have looked like when he was younger.
Clara debated how she should break the ice with Josh.
She toyed with the idea of sending a message, but decided it would probably end up in the spam box since they didn’t share any mutual friends.
As he had a car-valeting company, his address was clear for all to see and so she noted it down and wrote a quick note to include with Tom’s letter to him.
Dear Josh,
I’m writing to you as I’m a friend of your father’s. I know that he might be the last person you want to hear from, but I have to explain that he has changed. He’s given me a letter that I have enclosed since I promised I would track you down as an intermediary.
I have come to know your dad over the past few months and it’s clear to see that he is very remorseful of his past behaviour.
He has been to rehab, done work on himself, and I believe he is a different man to the one you knew when he was in the depth of his addiction.
He wants to apologise and would appreciate it if you could hear him out.
It would be much appreciated if you could take some time to at least consider his apology, even if you don’t manage to mend your relationship.
Many thanks,
Reverend Clara Bennett
She had one final read over the letter that Tom had written last night to make sure she was happy with what she was about to send. She had only one chance at getting this right.
My dearest Josh,
First of all, I am so sorry. I know that sorry is just a word and might mean nothing after what I’ve put you through, but I am truly ashamed and appalled by my past behaviour.
What I did to you was horrendous and I understand that you might not want anything to do with me.
However, I wanted to write to you to see if you could find it in your heart to talk to me, so that I can explain how much I have worked on myself since we were last in touch.
I understand that you might never want to have a relationship with me again, but I wondered if you could listen to what I have to say.
Then, if you still want nothing to do with me, I will completely accept that decision. That is entirely your prerogative.
I want you to know that I am absolutely devastated about what I have done to you, and your mother too, so I want to make amends for all the pain I’ve caused.
Just so you know, I am a member of AA now and have taken all sorts of courses to help myself get better and improve my mental health.
I have missed you so much, my son. I don’t really know what more I can say than I’m sorry and I have changed.
All my love,
Dad x
P.S. Hope you had a wonderful twenty-first birthday. I would very much like to send you something for it if you would allow me to.
She was satisfied that they’d given it their best shot and if he didn’t accept his dad’s apology then there wasn’t much more anyone could do. She sealed the envelope and put it in her handbag to post on the way to work.
Next, she needed to write that important email to King’s College, which wasn’t going to be easy to do either.
She had never let anyone down until now, but she realised that she had to do this for herself.
She had finally realised that there were times when you had to let people down, even if you didn’t want to.
For once in her life, she had to do what was right for her and not everyone else.
Bracing herself, she typed the first words of her email.
Subject: Bad news
Good morning, Bryony,
I’m afraid that I have some terrible news regarding my appointment. I am unable to take up the post and will be staying in Oxford due to personal reasons.
I do apologise for the inconvenience, and wish to thank you for considering me for the fantastic position. Turning this down has been a very difficult decision for me, but I do know of someone who would be absolutely perfect for the post and I would like to suggest he gets in touch with you.
Very best wishes,
Clara
Short and sweet, she thought. No more overexplaining.
This was a more assertive Clara and she still had more to do.
After Stephen, Lawrence would be next on the list of people she needed to speak with.
She would have to tell him that she wasn’t leaving Oxford and she would be happy to do whatever she could to stay around.
Clara felt slightly uneasy walking into work but reminded herself that this was what she wanted. A few minutes of embarrassment was worth going through rather than a lifetime of regret. She had to face the consequences for her mistake and it was too late to change anything now.
‘Good morning, Clara. Fancy a brew?’ said Lawrence, throwing off his jacket and putting the kettle on as he arrived for work. He had come in extra early this morning as it was supposed to be Stephen’s first day.
‘I’d love one, thank you.’ Clara wondered whether she could inform Lawrence of her new plans as he boiled the kettle, or if she should perhaps have a word privately in his office.
She surmised that everyone would find out soon enough, so she may as well announce it in front of Flora, who was busy photocopying something for Lawrence.
‘I’m glad I’ve caught you early, I wanted a quick chat,’ said Clara.
While Lawrence placed Clara’s tea in front of her, Flora interrupted them.
‘Here you go, Lawrence. All done.’
‘Great stuff. Umm, Clara, can it wait? Sorry, I need to organise this lot before Stephen arrives. He’ll be here any second.’
Lawrence dashed off in a flash with the papers for Stephen’s induction along with his cuppa. Clara wanted to shout after him but didn’t have the nerve.
‘Of course,’ said Clara, to nobody in particular.
She felt ineffectual and not much use to anyone as she waited to speak to Lawrence, so she trawled through her inbox, which was full of people she had spoken to over the years, all wishing her well in her new position.
From London to Lagos, well-wishers said they would pray for Clara as she started her new adventure.
At some point, she would have to send out another circular email; this time announcing her surprising decision. As she read through the barrage of lovely emails, she saw a new one arriving in her inbox. It was from King’s College.
Clara put her head in her hands. What would they say?
They would be so disappointed. She was terrified to open it and after taking a sip of tea, decided to be brave.
She was shocked when she read it and couldn’t believe how lovely they were.
It was the first time she had ever let someone down and they weren’t mad, nobody died, and they were, in fact, completely understanding.
They even suggested that she could visit as a guest preacher in the future.
It made her wonder how many other situations she had got herself into over the years where she felt compelled to do something, even if she didn’t want to. Clara would respect her own boundaries from now on.
It also looked like the substitute she had given them was indeed their perfect match.
Unbeknownst to Clara until this morning, the job at Cambridge had been down to her and Stephen.
Unlike Clara, Stephen desperately wanted to move to Cambridge as he had family there, and Oxford wasn’t his first choice.
Stephen was delighted when Clara called him to explain the predicament.
When the office door banged, Clara assumed it must be Lawrence complaining that Stephen had turned the job down.
Stephen’s only insistence was that he should do the decent thing and be the one to let Lawrence know that he wouldn’t be joining them.
She wished he would hurry up and tell Lawrence though.
When she looked around, she saw Charlie who was banging about as he dropped in with some mail.
‘Still busy at it, Clara?’ he said.
‘Kind of. I’ve got a big announcement though. I’ll tell you after I’ve told Lawrence.’
‘You’re getting married to that chorister of yours and you want Lawrence to do the ceremony?’
‘Good gracious, no. It’s far too early between us for any of that.
’ Clara laughed. Would she ever want to marry?
It wasn’t something she had thought of before.
It wasn’t like she’d ever had guys bombarding her with proposals.
She was used to her independence, yet she had to admit that she enjoyed having Tom stay over and could imagine it would be nice having him around full-time.
‘Well, whatever it is, I can’t wait to hear it.’
‘I’ll probably tell everyone tomorrow at my final service; I hope you’re still going to be attending.’
‘You bet I am. It’s going to be bittersweet though. I always love your sermons but, seriously, your last one? Doesn’t bear thinking about.’
She gritted her teeth. ‘I know.’
Just as Charlie was about to head out, Lawrence came out of his office.
‘Still no sign of Stephen?’
Clara looked under her desk. ‘No, he’s not hiding under here.’
‘Where is the man? He was due to arrive at 9 a.m. Not the best of starts being late on your first day. I’m sure there’s a good reason.’
According to the wall clock it was already 9.30 a.m. and he still hadn’t told him.
‘I don’t think much of his timekeeping. Imagine being late for someone’s wedding or funeral. He’ll have to shape up if he’s a tardy timekeeper. I won’t stand for it,’ said Lawrence.
Clara desperately wanted to tell him and put him out of his misery, but a promise was a promise. Still, Clara hated feigning ignorance like this.
‘Maybe he got stuck in traffic somewhere.’
‘Haven’t heard of any problems on the roads this morning,’ Charlie chirped up.
‘Oh, well, I’m sure he’ll be here any moment. I’ll be in my office when he arrives.’
By 10 a.m., Lawrence was trying to ring Stephen’s number.
‘Can’t get hold of him. I hope my instructions were explicit enough. I did tell him to be here today. Perhaps he’s got the wrong day. I’m beginning to doubt myself. I did say today, didn’t I?’
‘You did. You definitely said today from the start.’ Clara was going to have to blurt it out herself if he didn’t get a move on.
‘Strange.’
Lawrence shrugged his shoulders and wandered off, but, by now, Clara was becoming curious. Why wasn’t he calling?
Finally, at 11 a.m., Clara picked up the office phone to find Stephen on the other end of the line asking for Lawrence. Less than two minutes later, Lawrence came rushing out.
‘I can’t believe it but he’s taken a job at King’s College.
Said he’d had a call this morning, offering him the job and he decided it was a better position.
He said something about it being a total surprise and that he was very sorry for not joining us, but the job in Cambridge was his first choice.
So, I guess you two will be working with each other over there. ’
Clara bit at her lip.
‘I don’t know how we’ll manage. I suppose I’ll have to re-advertise the position,’ continued Lawrence.
‘What if there’s no need?’
‘To what? Advertise? Do you know of someone who could be suitable?’
‘Yup. You see, Lawrence, there’s something I wanted to speak to you about . . .’
Lawrence was overjoyed when he heard that his favourite employee wasn’t leaving him after all.
‘That’s the best news I’ve heard all year,’ he said.
‘I’m pleased you think so.’
‘I tell you what, shall I make us a brew to celebrate? Since this is such wonderful news, you can even have one of those posh biccies Janet dropped in for me from Fortnum’s.’
‘Now how could I resist such an offer?’
Flora, who had overheard the whole conversation, insisted they needed chocolates too. She decided that she might even go and get some custard slices for everyone while she was at it. This was cause for a big celebration.
Secretly, Lawrence was relieved. He had liked Stephen but he wasn’t Clara. Nobody could ever replace his wonderful college chaplain. He whistled a nondescript tune as he headed over to the kettle and turned his head over his shoulder to look at Clara.
‘Isn’t it funny how things work out?’
‘It is indeed. The Lord works in mysterious ways,’ said Clara, who was feeling on top of the world.