Chapter 26
G oing back to London had roused all manner of emotions in Millie. She’d decided to take the train back, mainly because she couldn’t be bothered to deal with the intensity of Christmas holiday traffic but also because she wanted to have a couple of hours where she just didn’t need to think about anything. Not even driving the car.
She’d been dropped to Truro train station by Amy, who had given her the biggest squeeze goodbye, promising they’d keep in touch regularly in the four days she would be away. They’d chatted on the journey to the station about Amy’s plans for Christmas; she explained she had somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship with her family, so it wasn’t all picture perfect over the holidays. She would be spending Christmas Day with Alfie and Ryan with Daisy and Evan joining for the afternoon/evening after visiting their respective families. Their plans were to eat hideous amounts of food, watch James Bond films and go for a Christmas Day dip in the evening. Millie had burst out laughing.
“I would pay to see that!” she chuckled, watching the now familiar landscape pass by.
“We’ll send you a picture,” Amy replied smiling, and then flicked her eyes across to Millie. “It’s a shame you’re not going to be there with us Mils.” Millie took in a deep breath and exhaled through her nose.
“I know. It’s a strange one this year because it’s the first without mum. Not that we had wonderful days together either, but it still feels odd to not even be considering her. I’m so looking forward to meeting my Godson though. I’ve been putting it off and I can’t do it anymore.” Amy moved her hand up from the gearstick and briefly squeezed Millie’s hand, indicating she knew why she had avoided it.
“You’re the bravest person I know,” she said softly, and Millie’s heart warmed. Amy was mostly known for her brash and flamboyant nature but, deep down, she was a complete softie.
The fast train to London had taken just under four hours and her connections ran relatively smoothly the other end. Being back in the hustle and bustle of London, which once had been so familiar, felt obscure and uncomfortable. The screeching and scraping noises of the Underground had felt deafening, the packed in bodies on the tube too suffocating. The way people couldn’t bear to make eye contact with you, instead burying their faces into their phone or a book felt outlandish after being used to waving hello now to everyone she passed. There was certainly no Christmas spirit being shared in this neck of the woods.
When she emerged from the overground train at Theobalds Grove station later that afternoon, the sun was fading fast and the air felt bitter. Thankfully, she was much further away from where she used to live and so she hadn’t been faced with any direct flashbacks, but the familiarity of the area, having visited Jenny here more times than she could count, made her feel uneasy. It was like revisiting her past life and that had the potential to throw up a multitude of bad memories.
She felt drizzle begin to fall, splashing her face and leaving cold marks. They’d agreed to meet here at 5pm and Millie had even messaged Jenny to confirm she was on time. Glancing around, she couldn’t see her, and it made her nervous. She knew the chances of seeing Sam were miniscule as there was nothing to bring him here, but she felt vulnerable. Being down in Sandyhaven, all those hours away, made her feel safe. It had taken leaving the village for her to realise just how safe she had felt.
“Millie!” Instantly, familiarity coursed through her brain, and she turned her head to see Jenny waving frantically at her from the car. She had pulled up in a space specifically marked as “No Loading” and was grinning from ear to ear. “Jump in, quick before he gets shirty,” she yelled, indicating a stout looking station officer, eyeing her suspiciously. Millie grinned and dragged her case for the final time that day over to the car.
Hours later, she wiped the crumbs from her mouth and placed the plate down next to her on the sofa. A sense of contentment she hadn’t expected washed over her – she’d been in Jenny and Paul’s house for a couple of hours, and she felt so welcomed. Not that she’d ever really doubted she wouldn’t, but she was gatecrashing their first Christmas together as a family of three after all. That didn’t seem to matter to them though – she’d been cuddled so tight by Jenny for what felt like hours, followed by a shorter but equally as warm hug from Paul. She’d had a warm shower, eaten an Indian takeaway followed by not one but three mince pies, washed down now with a large glass of deliciously sweet wine. Curled up on the arm of the chair was their sleek black cat Pippa and snuggled into her feet the other side was their enormous ginger cat Muffin. With the fire roaring, the twinkling Christmas lights and The Holiday on the TV, it was the perfect festive scene.
She hadn’t expected to experience what she had felt when she held Leo for the first time. He was bigger than she’d expected, now almost three and a half months. She’d expected to feel hideously unwanted stabs of jealousy but instead, she’d just been filled with a rush of love; both for him but also for her best friend, for whom she was wholly happy. She had a feeling some sadness would come once she’d had time to process everything but for now, she was happy to revel in the bliss the second half of this day had brought. And she fully intended to let those feelings continue throughout Christmas Eve tomorrow and up until the day after Boxing Day, when she’d return to Sandyhaven.
Back to a big decision which hadn’t truly left her mind all day long.
* * *
“MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERF…” Amy’s voice trailed off at quite an appropriate moment as she tore down the beach and flung herself headfirst into the murky, grey waves, joining Evan who had been in for a minute already.
“YEEEEEEAHHHHH!” Ryan shrieked, having donned a pair of tiny, black Speedos and raced down after her. Alfie watched them both disappear under the water, before reappearing and squealing like piglets. They continued to push each other into the water, splashing ferociously.
“What’s it like?” he called with amusement.
“Absolutely bloody BALTIC!” Amy called back, “but I love it!”
“Get your arse in here now!” Ryan shouted, ducking his shoulders back under. Alfie chuckled and began pulling off his shirt.
“You should be glad you’re getting to miss out on this Dais,” he said to Daisy, who was stood next to him wrapped up warm in an ankle length parka and thick bobble hat. She held a flask close to her body.
“You don’t think I’m going to be pregnant and not use it to my advantage, do you?” she replied, smugly sipping her coffee. He smiled at her and began to remove his clothes, slowly at first, resisting the biting cold but then rapidly – the quicker the better. The quicker he was down to his swimming shorts, the quicker they could get back inside and warm up.
Without another thought, he barrelled down to the water, not pausing once he felt it pool icily around his feet, his calves, his knees and then wash alarmingly over his full body and head as he ducked under an incoming wave. Shock and numbness jolted through his body – it felt like being hit by a double decker bus. Yet, with a few deep, controlled breaths and the weight of Ryan jumping on his back cackling in his ear, he regained some composure and managed to almost enjoy the next minute or so in the water.
They emerged together in a gaggle of teeth-chattering giggles and shivers and grabbed the thick towels and robes they had laid out by the water’s edge in preparation.
“Hang on!” Daisy called, placing her coffee down and rummaging around in her pocket for a phone. “Photo! Before you robe up.” They all stood together, throwing arms around each other and posing.
“Hurry the fuck up Dais,” Amy demanded through smiling gritted teeth.
“Got it,” Daisy announced, and they all groaned in relief, throwing robes, hats and gloves on and heading back up to Alfie’s apartment.
Back in the warm and stripping wet clothes down for the dryer, Alfie checked his phone for the fiftieth time that day. Still no message from Millie. Hesitantly, he clicked on her name and opened a new message…
* * *
They had just finished a game of Scrabble (along with the tub of Celebrations) when Millie’s phone had pinged. Her heart leapt and then fell again when she saw it was Daisy. Feeling mean for being so ungrateful at her contact, she tapped open the message and laughed out loud. It was a photo of Amy, Evan, Ryan and Alfie on the beach at Sandyhaven with the message Missing you! Merry Christmas x . If their attire was anything to go by, they’d just come out of the water. Evan and Ryan stood in the middle, arms around one another’s shoulders. Amy tagged on the end next to Ryan, her leg lifted and across Ryan’s body, throwing the peace sign and a cheeky face. Millie’s eyes swivelled over the screen to Alfie, stood on the end. He was wearing a pair of navy swim shorts, finishing halfway up his thigh and plastered to his legs. She involuntarily studied his broad chest, wide set shoulders and the lopsided smile which indicated he was more uncomfortable than he wanted to let on. She blinked twice and looked away, feeling like she was invading his privacy by staring so.
Seconds later, another text alert appeared at the top of her phone and this time her heart really did skip a beat. Swallowing hard, she opened it:
Merry Christmas, Millie. I hope you’re having an amazing day. It hasn’t been quite the same here without you. See you soon. Alfie x
She beamed, warmth and other lovely feelings spreading throughout her body. She startled at Jenny’s voice.
“What’s that gurn for?” she asked, indicating Millie’s smiling face. She rolled her eyes and hastily locked her phone, shoving it in her pocket.
“Nothing,” she replied, slouching back in her chair. Jenny eyed her suspiciously.
“I’d say any “nothing” that gives you a smile like that is worth becoming a “something”,” she said, eyeing her knowingly and popping a mint chocolate in her mouth.
Millie pondered on her friend’s words when she lay in the spare room bed later that night. A shaft of light from the streetlamp directly outside peeked its way through the blinds, no matter how much she’d fiddled with the cord, but it wasn’t that keeping her awake. She knew that however lovely her visit had been, soon she would have to go back. It was a mixture of emotions: sadness at leaving her friend, her lovely husband and incredible Godson behind, but excitement to be heading back to her new home, keenness to get back to work on the New Year’s Eve party and the important visit from the press – but overshadowing all of that was a deep anxious anticipation of seeing Alfie again. Her decision would obviously go one of two ways, but she had to decide if she wanted to follow her head or her heart – and she had to decide very soon.