Chapter 18 #2
I couldn’t subject Lilith to something like that. If I wanted her, I’d have to stay in the human world.
If she wanted me.
Skies, this world wasn’t fair.
But I already knew that. I’d Fallen out of my world and spent five decades trying to return.
Everything became as clear as the thin air high above the cloud levels. I needed Lilith. I would do whatever it took to be with her, to create a space she felt safe and happy. Whatever that meant.
“Thank you, Lord Erlik.” The prayers were ending.
“Thank you, Lord Erlik,” I hastily mumbled.
As the elders dispersed, Nelson approached me, smiling. Apparently his anger flashed hot and ended quickly.
“You know, I’ve been thinking,” he said by way of greeting. “Back on that day, when you came to our world.”
I winced, hating there had been spectators to our shock and vulnerable state.
“Grimshaw—the first one, who started this branch of the Church of Erlik—he was walking through the fields toward an afternoon service. I was just a young lad back then, a little wild, more interested in gold and power than pursuing faith. But I joined him, since we’d known one another as children.
I came late. Your group was already gathering your wounded by the time I arrived. ”
I had the barest flashes of memories. We’d been in the midst of a skirmish.
Our blood was up, our senses heightened.
We’d been using magic, and hitting the ground in the human world was not only painful with physical impact—I vaguely recalled pulling one of my sedgemates off a wooden fence post, blood and ayim gushing, screams echoing in the background—but losing our connection to our world and the magic woven through it was like severing a limb.
Dazed, disoriented, cut off from our most important senses, we’d staggered around, searching for safety. Our enemies, the Gar, also struggled to regroup. They’d flown away faster than us, and we hadn’t seen them since.
I hadn’t even noticed any spectators at the time. It was Gabriel and Haniel who’d realized a few people had stopped to stare.
Nelson continued, his tone light. “Grimshaw was fascinated by your leader, the one with pure white wings. But I was more curious why a whole group of Erlik’s Heralds were wounded and shocked to be here.”
I grunted.
He shrugged. “Well, it doesn’t matter now I suppose. We have you here to answer all our questions.”
I wasn’t interested in this small-minded human’s musings. I just wanted Lilith, to explain to her I loved her and never wanted to leave her.
“I assume you can’t stay forever. As much as we’d love to keep you with us, Lord Erlik will likely need you to carry out his will.”
“Erm, yes.” I glanced around, watching the other men file out of the sanctuary.
“Ah, well.” He chuckled, though his laughter had a hard edge. “More’s the pity. If Grimshaw was still alive he would be dragging you before the head of the Church of Erlik to prove his theology was right all along. You don’t seem to be the type to be dragged anywhere.”
I turned and gave him a cold stare. “No.”
He nodded affably enough, hands flexing on his cane. “Of course.”
“Excuse me,” I said, my patience running thin. “I must go patrol the skies.” Then I turned and left, watching out for a sign of Lilith.
I looked everywhere, but eventually found her at her house. Which I probably should’ve searched first.
Tired of all the watching eyes, I flew over the houses and landed in the Meadows’s garden. Carefully avoiding the dormant plants, I stepped to the back door and knocked. It was a small, low door. I eyed it grimly, already resigned to losing my dignity just to get inside and speak with her.
It wasn’t Lilith who answered the door, however, but her mother.
Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open as she looked me up and down.
“Herald!” Her hand flew to her throat, trembling.
“What an honor,” she got out. “Wh-why are you here?” Her face blanched as she glanced behind me to the vegetable garden.
“Oh, goodness, forgive me. The garden, it’s not, well, it looks better in the summer. ”
She glanced around, clearly unnerved by my presence.
“Did you come to see my Absalom’s things? He was a beautiful boy, a wonderful son.” She sniffed. “And the elders were so grateful to have someone like him join their ranks.”
Based on what Lilith and the other elders had said, I knew that to be a falsehood.
“I, uh,” I fumbled. “Lilith has been helping me as I settle into the community. I actually came—”
She smiled. When she smiled, I could see Lilith in her.
But life had been hard, and she did not wear her age well.
It startled me to realize she’d likely been born after I’d Fallen to this world.
And yet she seemed decades older than me.
When I was fifty, my wings hadn’t yet molted and my voice was still a child’s.
“Ah, yes, Lilith. She’s so pretty, isn’t she?”
I nodded, since that seemed like the appropriate response. “Is she here?”
Her brow furrowed. “Lilith? Yes, she’s sewing. Come in. Let me show you Absalom’s bedroom. He was such a good boy.” She darted back inside, beckoning me forward.
I took a breath and tried to fit inside. Grateful no one in my sedge was around to see my clumsy, humiliating attempts, I finally made it through. I’d had to bend nearly double, and lost a few secondary feathers in the process—likely bruising the skin beneath—but I was in.
Lilith came down the stairs as I straightened. She paused on the bottom step, surprise written across her face. “Oh!”
“Lilith,” I said gravely, dipping my head.
“Um, Herald. What, uh, to what do I owe the honor?”
“He’s not here to see you,” her mother chided, a harsh edge beneath the words. “He’s here about Absalom.”
Lilith’s eyes flicked between her mother and me.
My heart ached to see the way her eyes shuttered and her body tilted ever so slightly away from her mother—I could read a whole story in how Lilith was shielding herself and her mother didn’t even notice the distance.
Based on how Lilith and Jo spoke, it sounded like their mother had always been like that.
I wasn’t sure how to extricate myself from this. Humans had once told me in poor taste to speak ill of the dead, but I had absolutely no interest in Absalom. He had fallen off a cliff while trying to kill Eve, Gabriel’s mate. I doubted anyone missed him except his own mother.
“I’m afraid I shan’t be able to view your son’s belongings,” I said as gently as I could.
As much as I couldn’t stand this woman—for how she’d treated Jo, for how she currently treated Lilith—she was still Lilith’s mother.
Family was complicated. “I am too large to fit in your home. And I’m afraid the stairs are far beyond my capabilities.
” I flexed my wings as proof. “Perhaps soon you could bring me a few items that remind you most of him? We can view them in a larger space.”
“Yes, sir. Of course.” Mrs. Meadows bobbed her head. “Whatever pleases you and Lord Erlik.”
Lilith descended the last step, thread in one hand and clothing draped over her other arm. “Can I help you with something?”
My heart pounded now she was in the room. Now that I wanted to tell her. “Do you have a few moments to retrieve some old psalms for me? They’re tucked in a tight corner.”
She smiled before dipping her head to hide it. “Whatever pleases you and Lord Erlik,” she said in her flat, colorless voice. Only I heard the faint hint of laughter hidden in her tone, and it made me love her even more.
I imperiously turned and forced my way out the back door, refusing to consider how ridiculous I looked from behind.
Lilith followed, picking up fallen feathers from the threshold. She waited until she shut the door behind her to laugh into the bitterly cold air. “What on earth are you doing?”
All the anger and the apprehension drained out of me, leaving behind excitement and hope. “I want to tell you something.”
She straightened, her face going blank. “What do you need to say?”
Her dramatic change surprised me. “What? Oh, no! It’s not bad. I want to show you something, I suppose.”
She gave me a look, but stepped closer. “Where?”
I put my hands around her waist. “May I?”
Her bright blue eyes search mine. She nodded, and with a grin, I pushed upward and into the air, holding her against me.