CHAPTER 45
NOAH
The front door opens and the weight that had settled in my chest the moment Bella walked out of it a few hours ago finally lifts when she steps inside.
Today was the first time she’s left the house since Sunday and although I’m incredibly proud of her for finally venturing out, I couldn’t control the overwhelming fear of her not coming back that overcame me while she was gone.
I stand from my seat and move toward the door but stop in my tracks, all the relief I had felt in that split second leaving me when I take sight of her blotchy face and watery eyes.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” I ask in a rush as I stride towards her.
“I…” she stutters, her chin wobbling with the threat of more tears. “I’m fine.”
She shakes her head, the first tear falling. “I’m fine,” she repeats, her chest heaving with a sob. Her hands come up, wiping at her face frantically.
“Bells,” I whisper, stepping closer as my worry kicks up a notch.
She repeats herself again, this time her voice breaking. “I’m fine.”
Within seconds, I’m reaching for her and pulling her against my chest as she collapses into me and breaks down.
I lift her small body from the ground and carry her toward the couch, sinking down into the cushions with her on my lap before tightening my arms around her.
Running my hands through her long blonde hair, I tuck her chin into my neck and just hold her for however long it takes for her cries to quieten, her body to relax and her breaths to slow.
Only then, do I pull back slightly and look down at her. “Wanna tell me what happened?”
She keeps her eyes closed for a minute, and I stay silent, our individual breaths the only sounds between us.
Just when I think she’s not going to answer my question, she speaks, the words so quiet I almost feel as though I’ve imagined them.
“I’m late on my period.”
Every single muscle in my body tenses.
My lungs squeeze.
The room around me blurs.
And the whooshing sound of my heartbeat triples in volume in my ears as the meaning of her words settle in my brain.
“You’re pregnant?” I croak the question out, needing to be sure I heard her correctly.
Bella’s head moves against my chest, her hair brushing against my chin. “No.” It’s a whisper, so small and so quiet yet full of so many emotions that I feel my own begin to bubble out of control.
“The test was negative.”
I can’t explain the feelings that those four words ignite in me.
The first is relief. Because there are so many reasons why now would be the worst time for this to happen. Because I don’t want her to resent me more than she already does by making her feel forced to forgive me for the sake of our child.
But that relief is quickly replaced by something else.
Disappointment.
Sadness.
Loss.
Because in those split seconds between me thinking she was pregnant and her clarifying that she isn’t, a whole future flashed before my eyes.
A future with her in it.
Of a tiny human, the perfect mix of the two of us.
Of birthdays and Christmases, nurseries and cribs. Tiny clothes and even tinier shoes.
I saw it all in those short moments and that was all it took to solidify what I already knew.
That Bella is it for me. She’s the woman I’ve always pictured spending the rest of my life with.
The person I want to sit and watch the sunrise with every morning and the body I want to hold against me every single night.
I want to ask her how she feels about it being negative. Is she happy? Relieved? Or does she feel the same disappointment I do?
Is it completely selfish of me to feel disappointment?
I open my mouth and snap it shut again, having no fucking idea what I’m supposed to say next, but thankfully Bella speaks first.
“I realised my period was late this morning before I threw up and with all the stress, I haven’t been the best at keeping up with my birth control, so I just thought…” she stops.
“For those few hours, I truly believed I was pregnant. And I was terrified. I’m not ready to be a mom yet, Noah. My life is a fucking mess. I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess, Bells. You’re going through a lot,” I correct, finding my voice for the first time in minutes.
She laughs but it lacks humour. “But that’s the thing. I’m dealing with so much shit that the last thing I need right now is to bring a baby into the world. And yet, when I turned that test over and it was negative, all I felt was… sad.”
My tense body relaxes at her words; at the feeling that it’s not just me who’d felt the loss of the what if.
I push her hair behind her ear and grip her chin gently. “It’s okay to feel sad, baby. I’m sad, too.” I admit.
“You are?” she asks, her bloodshot, hazel eyes boring into mine.
“Yeah,” I whisper my own truth.
Her eyes flick back and forth between mine, assessing me and I smile at her softly.
“Will you go somewhere with me?”