Chapter 53
VICTOR
She wanted to forgive me. I’d never wanted to hear something so bad in my entire
life. I’d follow her around on my knees until they were raw and bleeding if she would let me.
So, when she woke up one morning and came downstairs in a silky robe, her bump entering the room before she did, her eyes still full of sleep, I laid everything out to her.
“Can we talk?” My heart slammed in my chest like I was about to jump off a cliff and expected to die when she blinked at me.
“About?” She yawned and slid onto a kitchen stool, her hair tumbling around her shoulders. My fingers ached to touch her, but I held myself back. I couldn’t fuck this up.
“Us.”
That woke her up. She stared at me and repeated, “Us?”
Oh fuck, my nerves were shot. I was trembling.
“Yeah, Lila, us. Because, call me a fool, but I think you still love me.” I didn’t dare look at her. I couldn’t take the rejection, even though I knew it was a high possibility.
She’d divorced me, for fuck’s sake.
“So?” Lila glared at me. “What difference would that make?”
Oh, boy.
“It would mean everything. I’ve lost you, Lila, and now I know what it’s like to live without you.” I swallowed as the lump formed in my throat. I had to be strong. She needed me to be strong. “And I really don’t want to live without you. I know I should, because of what I did…”
Lila looked at me coolly. “Go on.”
“But please, don’t make me. I was such a fucking idiot, and I’ll do anything you want to have another chance. There is probably nothing I can do, but if there is…”
“You cheated on me with a tramp.” Lila crossed her arms and arched her brow.
“Yep, you’re right.” I dragged a shaky hand through my hair and puffed out air. “She didn’t have an ounce of class, and she was nothing compared to you. But I didn’t want her to replace you. No one ever could.”
“If you think that about her, why didn’t you end it? Why were you still fucking her, Victor?”
Jesus Christ.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and dug deep, trying to give her the answer she deserved.
“Because I felt wanted. She…” I swallowed and met Lila’s icy gaze. “You didn’t want me anymore. It had been so long, and the only time we’d done anything was when you were blind drunk. I doubt you’d remember it if you weren’t pregnant.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault?” Her eyes flashed.
I shook my head quickly. “No, not at all. I’m just telling you that a year without your touch, with only your anger and distance…it turned me into someone I'm not.”
“You didn’t exactly suggest therapy or anything," she snapped, crossing her arms. “So don’t blame it all on me.”
“I’m not,” I replied honestly. “This is fully on me, and I should have suggested therapy. I should have done something to help you.” I stared at my feet. This was agonising.
“What would you do differently now?” Lila asked, tipping her head to the side as she studied me.
“Everything,” I admitted. “I would have asked you how you felt, and how I could help. I’d read fucking books on everything it could’ve been, and I’d never have thought about another woman.
I’d have dealt with my insecurities. Therapy and shit?
I just know I wouldn’t have done what I did this time.
I’m such a fucking idiot. You deserve better, but I’m a selfish man. ”
Lila gazed at me, and I prayed she’d say something. Anything.
“Lila?” I whispered.
“Okay, so what do you want from me? You want me to take you back, go back to pretending just because we have a baby on the way?”
I shook my head and choked up. The baby wasn’t a good enough reason for her to take me back. We could be great co-parents, I knew that much. I wanted Lila back.
“No, Lila. I want you. I want you to be mine again. I want us to date again, start from scratch, let me win you back. Please.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked away. I reached out for her hand, holding it to my heart.
“This is yours, no matter what. Please give me a chance.”
She couldn’t even speak, tears spilling down her cheeks as she shook her head.
“Lila, baby…”
“How could I ever trust you again? We were married, Victor. So, we had problems, so fucking what? What would you do next time? Fuck someone else again?”
I felt like I’d been punched in the throat.
“No—”
“Words, Victor. All of this—” She waved her hand between us. “It’s just empty promises. You shattered the promises you’d already made. You promised me forever. You promised to be faithful.”
I nodded, still holding her hand to my chest.
“But you’re right about one thing.” Her tear-soaked voice made tears roll down my own cheeks.
I looked at her, blinking so I could see her clearly.
“I do still love you.”
My heart stopped, but I knew she was going to tell me she couldn’t put herself through it again. I understood it, I did. But I had to fucking try. I loved this woman, this gorgeous, strong, glorious woman, more than I ever realised. If I couldn’t have her—
“I can’t do this right now.” Lila shook her head and turned back to the stairs. “I just can’t.”