Chapter 8 What If We Tried?
Ryan’s Question
For the next two days, Ryan tried to pretend that nothing had changed.
He failed.
Every time he looked at Ethan, he remembered how close they had come in the library. He remembered Ethan's eyes, the hesitation in his expression, and the quiet confession that he had wanted to kiss him.
The memory followed Ryan everywhere.
It followed him through lectures.
It followed him during training.
It followed him when he sat alone in the cafeteria and found himself automatically looking toward the entrance, expecting Ethan to appear.
Their almost kiss had lasted only a few seconds.
But it had changed the way Ryan understood everything between them.
Before that night, he could still tell himself that his feelings were complicated because they were close friends.
Afterward, that explanation no longer worked.
He wanted Ethan.
Not simply as a friend.
He wanted to hold him.
He wanted to kiss him.
He wanted to be the person Ethan looked for when he was scared.
Most importantly, he wanted Ethan to want those things too.
But Ryan knew Ethan was afraid.
That mattered.
Ethan had spent years believing that his body was something he needed to hide. Ryan understood that asking him to suddenly stop worrying about judgment was unrealistic.
So Ryan waited.
He gave Ethan space.
He didn't mention the almost kiss.
He didn't tease him about it.
He didn't ask whether Ethan had changed his mind.
He simply continued being there.
On Thursday evening, they were sitting in the dorm room studying.
The situation should have felt ordinary.
It didn't.
Ethan sat at his desk, working through a reading assignment. Ryan was on his bed with his laptop open.
Every few minutes, one of them looked at the other.
Neither said anything.
Finally, Ryan closed his laptop.
Ethan looked over.
"Done?"
"For now."
Ethan nodded and returned to his work.
Ryan watched him for a moment.
"Ethan."
"Yeah?"
"Can we talk?"
Ethan slowly closed his book.
"About what?"
Ryan hesitated.
There were several ways he could begin.
He could ask about the library.
He could ask whether Ethan regretted what happened.
He could pretend it was nothing.
Instead, he decided to be honest.
"About us."
Ethan became very still.
"Us?"
"Yeah."
Ethan looked nervous.
Ryan moved from the bed and sat in the chair beside him.
"I'm not trying to pressure you."
"I know."
"I just think we should talk about what happened."
Ethan looked down at his hands.
"Okay."
Ryan took a breath.
"That night in the library, you said you wanted to kiss me."
Ethan's cheeks warmed.
"I remember."
"So do I."
Ryan smiled slightly.
"I've been thinking about it."
"Me too."
The answer came quietly.
Ryan felt a small rush of relief.
"Good."
Ethan looked at him.
"But I still don't know what to do."
"I understand."
Ryan leaned back.
"I don't either."
Ethan smiled faintly.
"That makes me feel better."
Ryan laughed softly.
"Good."
They sat in silence for a moment.
Then Ryan said, "Can I ask you something?"
Ethan nodded.
"Have you ever thought about us being more than friends?"
Ethan didn't answer immediately.
Ryan watched his expression.
He could see the conflict in his eyes.
"Be honest," Ryan said gently. "You don't have to give me the answer you think I want."
Ethan swallowed.
"Yes."
Ryan's heart began beating faster.
"Yes?"
"I've thought about it."
Ryan tried to remain calm.
"When?"
Ethan gave a nervous laugh.
"I don't know."
"Try."
Ethan looked toward the window.
"Maybe after we started sharing the room."
Ryan nodded.
"Why?"
"Because I started noticing things."
"What things?"
Ethan hesitated.
"How much I wanted you around."
Ryan's expression softened.
Ethan continued.
"I started looking for you when I walked into a room."
Ryan smiled.
"I do that too."
Ethan looked at him.
"I know."
The admission surprised Ryan.
"You know?"
"You aren't as subtle as you think."
Ryan laughed.
"Apparently not."
Ethan smiled.
The tension eased for a moment.
Then Ethan became serious again.
"I also started noticing how comfortable I feel around you."
Ryan waited.
"I don't have to think about whether you're judging me."
"You know I'm not."
"I know."
Ethan looked down.
"That's what scares me."
Ryan frowned.
"Why?"
"Because I've never had that before."
Ryan understood.
Ethan's voice became quieter.
"You've seen me when I'm embarrassed. You've heard things I've never told anyone. You've seen me after practice when I'm exhausted and sweating through everything. You've seen me when I'm not trying to look okay."
Ryan nodded.
"And you stayed."
"Of course I stayed."
Ethan smiled sadly.
"That's why."
Ryan didn't interrupt.
"If we tried something and it didn't work, I'd lose all of that."
"You wouldn't lose me."
"You can't promise that."
Ryan went quiet.
Ethan looked at him.
"I've never had a friendship like this," Ethan said. "You're the safest person I've ever had."
The words hit Ryan harder than he expected.
He wanted to reach for Ethan.
Instead, he kept his hands still.
Ethan continued.
"I don't want to wake up one day and realize we ruined everything because we wanted something more."
Ryan nodded slowly.
"I understand."
"I'm serious."
"I know."
"You might get tired of me."
"I won't."
"You don't know that."
Ryan looked directly at him.
"I know what I feel now."
Ethan's expression softened.
Ryan continued.
"I can't promise the future will never be complicated. Nobody can."
Ethan nodded.
"But I can promise that I'm not asking you to choose between our friendship and whatever this is."
"What are you asking?"
Ryan took a breath.
"I'm asking if we can be honest about it."
Ethan looked at him.
"Honest?"
"Yeah."
Ryan's voice was gentle.
"We don't have to rush into anything. We don't have to tell everyone. We don't even have to know exactly what to call it yet."
Ethan listened carefully.
"But I don't want us to keep pretending there's nothing here."
Ethan looked away.
Ryan knew he was thinking.
Finally, Ethan whispered, "There is something here."
Ryan smiled.
"I know."
"I don't know what to do with it."
"Neither do I."
Ethan laughed softly.
"You're not helping."
"I thought honesty was helping."
"It is."
Ryan smiled.
"Then let's start there."
Ethan looked at him again.
"Okay."
Ryan felt something loosen inside his chest.
He had been carrying the question for days.
Now it was finally spoken.
But Ethan still looked afraid.
Ryan understood why.
"Are you scared?"
Ethan nodded.
"Very."
"Of me?"
"No."
"Of us?"
Ethan thought about it.
"Of losing us."
Ryan reached across the small space between them.
He stopped before touching Ethan.
Ethan looked at his hand.
Then he moved his own hand forward.
Their fingers touched.
Ryan waited.
Ethan slowly intertwined their fingers.
The contact was simple.
But it felt like an answer.
"I don't want to lose you," Ethan whispered.
"You won't lose me because you're honest with me."
Ethan squeezed his hand.
Ryan looked at their joined fingers.
For the first time, the possibility of them being together didn't feel like something dangerous.
It felt like something they could approach slowly.
Together.
Still, Ryan knew Ethan wasn't ready to take the next step.
And Ryan wasn't going to force him.
They could move at Ethan's pace.
They could talk.
They could figure things out.
Maybe that was enough for tonight.
Ethan rested his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes.
After a moment, he said, "I've thought about kissing you again."
Ryan smiled.
"I've thought about kissing you too."
Ethan opened his eyes.
Neither moved closer.
Neither needed to.
The confession itself was enough.
They had finally said what had been hiding between them.
Their friendship had become something more complicated.
Something frightening.
Something beautiful.
And although Ethan was still scared, he had finally admitted the truth.
He had thought about them becoming romantic.
He wanted to know what that could mean.
He was simply terrified that reaching for love might cost him the safest friendship he had ever known.
Ryan squeezed his hand gently.
"We'll figure it out."
Ethan looked at him.
"Together?"
Ryan smiled.
"Together."
The First Kiss
Ethan barely slept that night.
He kept replaying his conversation with Ryan in his head. Every word seemed to return whenever he closed his eyes.
I've thought about us being more than friends.
I don't want us to keep pretending there's nothing here.
And finally, the words that had stayed with Ethan long after Ryan had said them.
We'll figure it out. Together.
Ethan had spent years believing that closeness was dangerous.
Not physical closeness exactly, but emotional closeness. Letting someone see the parts of himself he wanted to hide. Allowing someone to notice when he was uncomfortable, embarrassed, or afraid.
Ryan had somehow slipped past every defense Ethan had built.
He had seen Ethan after practice, drenched in sweat and worried about how he smelled. He had listened to stories Ethan had never told anyone. He had seen the nervous habits, the checking, the extra shirts, the moments when Ethan became quiet because he thought someone was noticing.
And Ryan had stayed.
That was what made this so frightening.
Ethan wasn't afraid that Ryan would laugh at him.
He was afraid that Ryan mattered too much.
The next morning, Ethan woke before his alarm.
For several minutes, he stared at the ceiling.
He could still remember the feeling of Ryan's fingers intertwined with his.
The memory made him smile.
Then the fear returned.
What if this changed everything?
What if they tried and failed?
What if their friendship became awkward?
What if Ryan eventually realized he wanted someone easier, someone who didn't spend so much time worrying about sweat, smell, judgment, and what other people thought?
Ethan turned onto his side.
Then he remembered Ryan's expression the previous night.
There had been no impatience in it.
No judgment.
Only honesty.
Maybe Ethan didn't need to know what would happen months from now.
Maybe he only needed to decide what he wanted right now.
And right now, he wanted Ryan.
The realization frightened him.