Chapter 11 The Photograph #2
The photograph had changed things.
But Ryan couldn't understand why Ethan was treating him like the problem.
The next day, Ryan waited outside Ethan's class.
When Ethan saw him, he stopped.
Ryan smiled.
"Hey."
Ethan looked around.
There were students nearby.
"Hey."
Ryan stepped closer.
"Want to grab lunch?"
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I have practice."
"You don't have practice for another three hours."
Ethan hesitated.
"I have work."
Ryan nodded slowly.
"Okay."
Ethan walked away.
Ryan watched him disappear into the crowd.
That night, Ryan sent another message.
Did I do something?
Ethan didn't answer.
Ryan put his phone down.
He didn't want to keep chasing him.
But he also couldn't stop wondering what had changed.
The photograph hadn't changed Ryan's feelings.
If anything, it had made them clearer.
He cared about Ethan.
He wanted to protect him.
But he also needed to know that Ethan cared about him enough to stand beside him.
Even if only privately.
Even if they weren't ready to tell everyone.
Ryan didn't need a public announcement.
He didn't need Ethan to hold his hand in the middle of campus.
He needed to know that Ethan wasn't ashamed of him.
Three days passed.
The distance became impossible to ignore.
Ethan stopped waiting for Ryan after classes.
He ate meals at different times.
He studied in the library instead of the dorm room.
When they crossed paths on campus, Ethan often gave him a quick nod before continuing.
Ryan felt like a stranger.
The worst part was that they still shared the same room.
Every night, Ryan watched Ethan return, change clothes, and climb into bed without saying much.
The silence became heavier each evening.
Finally, Ryan couldn't take it anymore.
On Friday night, Ethan walked into the room and dropped his bag beside his desk.
Ryan was sitting on his bed.
"Ethan."
Ethan stopped.
"Yeah?"
"We need to talk."
Ethan looked tired.
"About what?"
"Us."
Ethan's face tightened.
Ryan stood.
"I've been trying to give you space."
"I know."
"I've tried not to pressure you."
"I know."
"But you're avoiding me."
Ethan looked away.
"I've just been busy."
Ryan shook his head.
"No."
Ethan looked at him.
"You don't get to tell me what I'm doing."
"I'm not trying to control you."
"Then what are you doing?"
"Trying to understand."
Ethan sighed.
Ryan continued.
"Three days ago, you were holding my hand."
Ethan looked down.
"You kissed me."
Ethan's expression tightened.
"You told me you wanted to try."
"I know."
"And now you barely look at me."
Ethan didn't answer.
Ryan's voice became quieter.
"Did the photograph change how you feel about me?"
"No."
"Then what changed?"
Ethan rubbed his forehead.
"I don't know."
Ryan felt frustration building.
"You're afraid."
"Yes."
"I understand that."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
Ryan took a breath.
"But being afraid doesn't explain why you're treating me like I did something wrong."
"I don't think you did."
"Then why are you pulling away?"
Ethan's eyes filled with frustration.
"Because everyone knows."
"Not everyone."
"Enough people."
Ryan nodded.
"Okay."
Ethan looked at him.
"You don't understand what this could do."
"Then tell me."
"My scholarship."
"Your scholarship isn't automatically gone because someone posted a picture."
"You don't know that."
"Neither do you."
Ethan turned away.
Ryan watched him.
"I know you're scared," Ryan said. "But I need you to tell me the truth."
Ethan remained silent.
Ryan swallowed.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
Ethan turned around immediately.
"No."
The answer was quick.
But Ryan could hear uncertainty beneath it.
"Then say it."
Ethan stared at him.
"I'm not ashamed of you."
Ryan waited.
"Then what are you ashamed of?"
Ethan's face changed.
Ryan immediately regretted the question.
But he couldn't take it back.
Ethan looked toward the floor.
"I'm ashamed of being scared."
Ryan's anger softened.
Ethan continued.
"I hate that I can't just be normal about this."
Ryan stepped closer.
"You don't have to be normal."
"But I want to be brave."
"You don't have to be brave every second."
Ethan looked at him.
"Then why do I feel like I'm hurting you?"
Ryan was quiet.
Because you are.
He didn't say it.
Instead, he said, "Because I don't know where I stand."
Ethan looked devastated.
Ryan continued.
"I don't need you to tell everyone we're dating tomorrow."
"I know."
"I don't need you to hold my hand in the cafeteria."
"I know."
"I just need to know that you're not trying to erase me because people saw us."
Ethan opened his mouth.
Nothing came out.
Ryan waited.
The silence answered for him.
Ryan looked away.
He had wanted reassurance.
Something simple.
Something like, I'm scared, but I still choose you.
Instead, Ethan couldn't say it.
Ryan felt his chest tighten.
"I can't do this alone," he said.
Ethan looked at him.
"I don't want you to."
"But you're making me."
Ryan's voice cracked slightly.
Ethan took a step toward him.
"Ryan..."
Ryan stepped back.
"Don't."
Ethan stopped.
Ryan rubbed his face.
"I'm trying to understand what you're going through."
"I know."
"But I have feelings too."
Ethan nodded.
"I know."
Ryan looked at him.
"I was happy."
Ethan's eyes filled with emotion.
"So was I."
"Then why does it feel like you regret us?"
"I don't."
Ryan searched his face.
He wanted to believe him.
But Ethan couldn't give him the reassurance he needed.
And Ryan couldn't keep pretending that wasn't hurting him.
He picked up his jacket.
"Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Ryan."
"I need some space."
Ethan looked frightened.
Ryan hated seeing that expression.
But he was hurt too.
"I care about you," Ryan said quietly. "More than I probably should after such a short time."
Ethan looked at him.
"But I can't keep standing beside someone who acts like being seen with me is something he needs to escape from."
"That's not what I'm doing."
"Then show me."
Ethan couldn't answer.
Ryan waited one final time.
Nothing.
He nodded slowly.
"That's what I thought."
He walked toward the door.
Behind him, Ethan remained silent.
Ryan stopped with his hand on the handle.
For a moment, he wanted Ethan to call him back.
He wanted Ethan to say something that would make him stay.
But no words came.
Ryan opened the door.
He stepped into the hallway.
The door closed behind him.
As he walked away, Ryan felt anger, sadness, and disappointment mixing inside him.
He knew Ethan was afraid.
He knew the photograph had brought back every insecurity Ethan had fought so hard to overcome.
But Ryan also knew that love could not survive entirely inside a locked room.
At some point, Ethan would have to decide whether his fear was stronger than what they had built together.
And tonight, Ryan was hurt because Ethan hadn't been able to give him the answer he needed.
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