Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Auster’s head was spinning as he rose to his feet, looking at the pain in Autumn that she couldn’t quite hide.
She was hurting; Autumn was in pain, and she was letting him see it.
That was not Eleni’s pain; that was purely Autumn’s, and as awful as it was that she was hurting because of him, because of his words and actions, the idea that he could see it now was a relief.
She hadn’t let him see it until now. Auster stood before her and resisted the urge to pull her into his arms. She would not allow it yet, but she had said he would be permitted to walk with her. That was all he needed: the crack in the wall that permitted the warm breeze of spring.
She planned to dismiss him after they saved Skirion, but in the time between today and that day, hopefully he could do enough that she would believe he wanted to stay. For her, as herself, not because she carried Eleni.
He would always love Eleni, always, but she and Autumn were braided, and if they could not be separated without one of them dying, he would love them both until they were stable again. And then forever after that.
He just needed to help her see it. He’d hurt her more than he thought with his words, but he didn’t understand why, so perhaps that was where he could start.
“I suppose we should begin.” She sounded frightened, but again, he didn’t understand why. “Light said we should talk, and I have said from the beginning that if you were to ask me a question that I would answer honestly.”
“Why does this scare you?” He asked, trying to keep it gentle. “I know I cannot frighten you, but this does?”
“You tried to kill me.” She said flatly. “I do not feel safe around you, but Light pointed out that is not the reason I fear this. My feelings do not matter. I do this for a very specific reason, and beyond that, you needn’t trouble yourself.”
He should have known. The crack was small, barely letting anything through. He was going to have to take another tack.
“It is no trouble,” Auster replied. “If we are to walk together, I would like to begin to know you, so I know how I can act as support.”
Autumn closed her eyes and then nodded. “I do not feel safe around you, East Wind, but you are correct. That is not the reason I fear this. I fear this because, to you, I will always simply be something to be destroyed. As I was to my mother. Or something to simply bear, as I am to the mortals. I will be neither of those things again; I would rather have you gone than feel that way from someone that I loved.”
He staggered, the weight of the words hitting him like a blow. “You?—”
“I loved you,” she whispered. “You only ever loved Eleni, only ever saw her, but I was there too, and I loved you.” She looked up at him, golden eyes swimming in tears and old pain.
“I thought I could bear it, that someday you might see me too, but I am nothing to you and will remain that way. So it is best if we simply get this over with.”
“I do love Eleni,” he said, reaching to find the right words, but not for Autumn, who had blinked and now had tears streaming down her cheeks. “I will always love Eleni, but that does not mean I can’t love you too.”
“But you don’t,” she wiped the tears away. “Eleni mourns you, mourns your betrayal of her, and I am trying not to mourn the way you never saw me.”
“I cannot take it back.” He said. “But I can see you now. We can begin now; it will not fix the past, but maybe it can mend the future.”
“I will do as I am commanded.” Autumn said, keeping those crying eyes directly on him. “If more than that happens, I will accept it. But I will not look for it, and I will not try to convince you that you should do more than what you wish to do.”
“I can accept that.” Auster bowed. “Is there more to do to raise your home that we must do today?”
“There is more I would like to do.” Autumn wiped her cheeks again. “There are rooms to outline, and I would like to have that done before the end of the day.”
They didn’t speak much after that. She went back to Boreus, working with him to outline the rooms that existed in the drawing.
His lines were gone, but there was a crack in her defenses now, and he would hold onto that.
Auster would not try to force it larger, but hopefully he could talk to her and the tears would stop.
Maybe after she could stop crying, the fear would fade, and then they could begin.
They stopped as the sun faded behind the Mountain. Autumn kissed Boreus on the cheek and left without so much as a glance in his direction. Auster put the stick with the others and tried to figure out what he could do now.
He looked at Boreus, who just glared back. “Would it be alright if I offered supper?”
“We—” Boreus stopped, looking in the direction that Autumn had gone. There were fragile silver notes coming from that direction, silver notes that held shades of fear and sorrow. “You might ask Autumn, if she agrees, then we will come.”
They stood in the grass, marked by lines that delineated a future without him. The silence was awkward, sprinkled with the sad notes coming from the spring. She’d sung with the Song before, and it did not take a clever man to figure out that was what she was doing now.
She came back, walking through the grass with tears still on her face. “I am done with crying,” she wiped at the wet, almost angry. “I have done nothing since I returned to the Mountain but cry. Eleni may cry still, but I will have done with it.”
“Can I offer supper?” Auster asked hesitantly. “It will not be what you would have gotten from the Bastion, but it will be decent.”