Chapter 19
I felt like I was setting myself up.
Last night was too close. I’d almost kissed that woman, and I knew if I did that, I was going to be in trouble.
Ever since we shared that hug at the compound, I felt the ice around my heart melting.
Every interaction. Every touch. Every glance that lasted a little too long had me second-guessing the feelings that were slowly returning.
It didn’t help that my daughter was boldly advocating to have a real family. She straight up let us know what it could be, and I’d be damned if she wasn’t right. My baby was wise beyond her years.
This morning, I sat looking at my son as he ate his breakfast. I thought about a conversation that Donna and I once had about having romantic partners around him in the future. While she wouldn’t be introducing a man to him, she knew I wanted to be married with kids one day.
“Don’t bring no chicken heads around my baby, KD. Get you a nice wholesome woman that’s gonna love him like her own. If she has kids, make sure them little fuckers aren’t mean to him because I’ll beat ass about mine.”
We were in her living room, with me rubbing her swollen feet while watching a movie. It was some Lifetime shit she loved to bully me into watching. The stepmother was a complete bitch to her stepkids, and that just riled Donna up.
“I hear you, man.”
“I’m serious, Kerrion. I want you to be happy, but KJ always has to come first. I know you’ll honor that, but she has to honor it too. I want to love whoever you end up with because at the end of the day, we’ll be family. I’ll treat your other kids like mine. Hell, they can call me auntie.”
I chuckled. “You hell, Donna.”
“You’re my best friend and I love you. If I really wanted a man or a husband, I’d lock you down. You think your wife would be okay with me using your sperm for another baby?”
I stopped massaging her feet and looked at her.
“LaDonna.”
“What! I don’t want multiple baby daddies!”
“Then we better get baby number two out the way before I fall in love with another woman.”
“I might have to rethink giving up my good dick supply.”
I playfully bit her big toe, and she threw a pillow at me.
“I’m joking,” she said, laughing. She stared at me with a smile on her face. “Seriously though. Give my boy a stepmama he can be proud of. I want him to adore her. If he doesn’t like her, she ain’t the one. Kids know good people.”
That much, I knew to be true. The way the kids in my family took to my sisters-in-law and Quaid said a lot. They even liked Titan’s ass. Whenever he came around, he was always flipping and rough housing with them.
Neha was always hesitant to ask to hold KJ, but Fat Man forced himself into her arms whenever he wanted, and I didn’t stop him.
He was always smiling at her when she spoke to him.
He’d give her slobbery kisses on the cheek or be laid up on her titties, content with himself. My boy was comfortable with her.
I could admit, the thought had crossed my mind a time or two.
Could I truly forgive her, and we move on?
Could we have something?
Could we ever be happy again?
I’d finally admitted to myself that I still loved her.
All these years later, those feelings hadn’t died.
They were lying dormant, waiting to blossom again.
The part of me that always hoped she’d return couldn’t let that go.
Last night, I’d almost given in to the temptation rocking my core every time I was around her.
No matter how much anger I felt over her keeping my daughter away, the love I had for this woman just wouldn’t allow me to hate her.
What the fuck was I gonna do with that?
I pulled up to Ms. Anita’s house and got out to get my son.
“You ready to see Grandma?” I asked him as we headed up the walkway. “You be a good boy this weekend, dude.”
He babbled something in response as he made our way up the front steps.
I rang the doorbell and waited to be let in.
A minute or so passed, and she still hadn’t come to the door.
I knew she was home because her car was in the yard.
I rang the doorbell again and waited. Still, nothing.
Pulling out my key, I opened the door and went inside. The house was quiet.
“Ms. Anita!” I called.
Nothing.
Setting KJ’s bag down, I walked through the house only to find it empty.
When I made it into the kitchen, I saw the patio door was open.
She must have been outside. I headed out back to find the yard empty, but there was a shed there that wasn’t there the last time I’d been out here.
Of course, that was a while ago, so that really wasn’t a surprise.
I walked over and knocked on the door.
“Ms. Anita?”
Immediately, the door opened, and she stepped out with a smile on her face.
“Hey, Kerrion. When did you get here?”
“Like five minutes ago. Sorry to just walk in, but you never answered the door.”
“I’m sorry. I got caught up doing something.”
“What’s in there?”
“Nothing much. You know I love to plant flowers already, so I decided to plant a garden, so this is going to be my greenhouse.”
“Word. That means I get some of your famous beef stew with garden fresh veggies, right?”
She laughed. “I got you, baby.” She reached for KJ. “Hi, Fat Man!” She smothered his face with kisses. “I missed you so much. You ready to visit mommy? I know she can’t wait to see you.”
I felt a pain in my chest, and my hand flew to the spot to rub it. Ms. Anita looked up at me.
“You okay?” she asked.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah. Just . . . I don’t think I’ll ever get used to him having to visit her at the cemetery.”
She sighed. “Me either. Visiting her with him has been healing. I feel like she’s still right here with me in some ways. She’s watching over us.”
“I know.”
There was an awkward silence before she spoke again.
“Sooo, . . . you have a daughter?”
“Yeah. It was unexpected.”
“How’s it been?”
“With her? It’s been great. She’s an amazing kid, and she loves KJ so much. I know they are going to be the best of friends.”
“How old is she?”
“Ten.”
“Hmm. She a beautiful little girl.”
“Thank you.”
“So did you and mom reconcile? I’m just saying, you all looked very cozy.”
“We didn’t. But we are in a good space.”
“Oh. Well, I hope you have time for two kids.”
I frowned. “My father had time for six. I can do it with two.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just . . . KJ needs you. You’re the only parent he has.”
“I’m well aware of that, Ms. Anita. I take care of my son every day. He’s my main focus and always will be. His sister is just added into the fold.”
She raised a hand in surrender. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to offend you. Forget I said anything.”
I eyed her skeptically. I should have known she felt some type of way by the way she acted yesterday. The last thing I wanted to do was give this lady a piece of my mind. I gave her grace and respect because she lost a child, but questioning my parenting was where I drew the line.
“Look,” I said, sighing, “I have to get to work. Enjoy the weekend with your grandson. I’ll see you on Sunday.” I kissed my baby on the cheek. “I love you, Fat Man.”
Without another word, I left out the side gate and headed to my car.
Saturday rolled around quick.
I woke up this morning and cleaned my house, did some grocery shopping, and picked up a few things for our movie night. I took Jaeda with me, and it wasn’t until I’d spent almost six hundred dollars between Home Goods and Walmart did I realize I was doing too damn much.
I wanted to create a memory with my baby girl. I bought a fucking tent to go in my living room and serve as our fort. I got a huge blow-up mattress, blankets, oversized pillows, popcorn buckets, and serving trays, among other things.
Jaeda wasn’t any help.
Actually, she was a lot of help. I told her what I wanted to do, and she was all too happy to help out. She called our mother to clue her in as she kept throwing shit in the cart. My mama had a million questions about what I was doing with Neha. She swore she knew every damn thing.
The problem was, she did. She knew me better than I knew my damn self at times. It didn’t slip past her that I had lingering feelings for my baby mama. She said she saw it in the way I looked at her when I didn’t think anybody else was watching. According to her, Neha watched me the same way.
I didn’t see any evidence of that until last night.
“This looks so good!” Jaeda said excitedly as we stood around my living room, observing our handiwork. “Neha and Nayelli are going to love this.”
“I did this for my daughter.”
She kissed her teeth. “Boy, bye. I see what you’re doing.”
“And what am I doing, Jaeda Janelle?”
“Creating a family moment because you want your family together. You ain’t got to lie, Craig. You ain’t got to lie.”
“Weren’t you and our siblings just telling me not to fall for her again after what she did?”
“That was before I knew why she did what she did. It doesn’t excuse it, but I understand.
She was young and afraid. Now she’s older and can own up to her wrongdoings.
Y’all are stuck with each other for life.
You can’t help who you have feelings for, KD.
Bitches fall for ain’t shit niggas all day long that don’t have trauma fueling their decisions.
They ain’t shit because they ain’t shit.
“That’s not you or Neha. You two were kids when all this happened.
Two kids who probably got too serious, too fast, but it happened.
You both made mistakes, and I hate that my niece had to be in the middle of it, but she’s here now.
You’re here. Neha’s here. If by some chance you two want to give things a try, I’ll support you.
Just make sure it’s because you want it and not because she’s familiar or a missed opportunity. ”
I stared at her for a moment. “When did you become the older sibling?”
“You know I’ve always been the one with the most sense.”
I playfully mushed her head, causing her to laugh. Pulling her into my arms, I hugged her tightly.
“Thanks, Jae. I love you, man,”
“I love you too.”
Pulling back, I rubbed her stomach. “I can’t believe my baby is having a baby. Shit is crazy.”
“No, what’s crazy is you and your brothers trying to run my man off. I will never get over the way y’all showed y’all’s ass.”
“First of all, that was Smoke and Deuce. Me and Maceo were chill.”
“You still showed up with them.”
“One band, one sound, baby!”
She rolled her eyes. “Thank God I didn’t marry a punk.”
“We wouldn’t have let that happen. You married a good one. I hate to admit it, but he’s definitely Fat Man’s favorite uncle. I appreciate the time you both spend with him. All the shit you teach him. You are going to be great parents.”
She teared up at that. “You really think so?”
“I know so. My niece or nephew is gonna be a lucky kid.”
“Thank you, KD.”
She hugged me again, this time sniffling a little as she cried.
I loved all my siblings, but Jaeda held a special place in my heart.
She allowed me to be soft with her in ways I couldn’t be with my brothers or Mia.
They didn’t let me sit in my feelings. With them, I had felt like I had to just move the fuck around.
Jae allowed me to feel whatever I needed to feel to process it. A nigga was a sensitive thug. She listened and never rushed me to get over shit. She was a pure soul. Always listening. Always the rational one.
The sound of the doorbell ringing broke our embrace. I walked over and opened the door to find Neha and Nayelli standing there in matching pajamas with a few bags of things.
“Hey, Daddy,” Nayelli said, rushing into my arms.
“Hey, baby girl. Hey, Neha.”
“Hey, Kerrion.”
I leaned over and kissed her cheek. Fuck, she smelled good.
“Come on in.”
I opened the door wider to allow them entry. The moment my baby saw her auntie in the entryway, she ran to hug her and rub on her stomach.
“How is my little cousin?” she asked.
Jaeda smiled. “He or she is fine. Hey, girl,” she spoke to Neha.
“Hey. You are glowing.”
“I’m just very happy. I don’t want to intrude, so I’m about to head home. You three enjoy your movie night.”
She kissed my cheek and left us with a smile. I waited until she was on her golf cart before closing the door and turning to the girls.
“Soooo . . .” Neha sang, thrusting a bag in my direction. “Your daughter decided that she wanted us to wear matching pajamas for this. We got you some too.”
Nayelli grinned. “For pictures.”
“I guess I better go change then. Come take a look first.”
I led them around the corner to the living room. When my baby saw the setup, both she and her mother gasped.
“Oh my gosh! Daddy, you did all this?”
“Well, your aunt and your grandmother helped with the decorations. Check it out.”
I didn’t have to tell her twice. She ran over to the tent and dove inside.
“You really brought a tent?” Neha asked, laughing.
“I mean, we can’t exactly make a fort out of my couch cushions, so I had to improvise.”
“This setup is too cute. Thank you for doing this for her.”
“Low-key, it was for us too.”
She blushed. “Thank you.” She lifted the bag in her hand. “We bought Chinese.”
“Why don’t you settle in with baby girl, and I’ll grab some plates and the drinks.”
“Okay.”
She went to walk off, but I pulled her back and into my chest. Her breathing hitched as I stared down at her.
“I’m . . .” I paused, trying to find the words. “I’m glad you’re here.”
She smiled softly as she palmed my face. “I’m glad I’m here too.”
Standing on her toes, she placed the sweetest kiss to my cheek.
I almost turned my head so her lips landed on mine, but I held back.
That might have been too much for me. I released her and walked into the kitchen, praying to God that I wasn’t making a mistake in potentially opening my heart to her again.