Chapter 64
Liz, April 27
“Hi, beautiful.” Ben’s familiar smile fills my computer screen.
“Hi, how was your day?” I ask.
“Pretty good. I was a bit distracted, as always. I miss you.” The honesty earns him one of my shy smiles, the ones where I blush and look downward.
“I miss you, too.”
“How was your day?” he asks, turning the figurative tables.
“Good. I had a breakthrough with one of my weaker writers. She wrote an entire conversation using proper quotation rules.”
“Is that challenging?”
“It can be for new writers, yeah. Anyway, she did it.”
“That’s great, babe.” Ben smiles and it feels genuine, honest. It makes me feel appreciated. Beside him, his phone rings. He glances at the screen, presses something, and the ringing stops.
“Who was that?” Immediately I feel intrusive and pushy. Apologize, Liz.
“Just my Mum. I’ll call her later.” Ben doesn’t seem phased by my meddling.
“Okay, sorry I asked. I didn’t mean to be nosy.”
“No worries. I have no secrets from you, Liz.”
That earns him a larger smile. “That’s because I’m 5,000 miles away.” I don’t know what makes me say that. I mean, sure, I’ve been thinking about our distance and how much I hate it, but why did I just bring it up?
Ben’s face clouds. “I hate that you’re so far away,” he grumbles.
“I do too.” I stop talking and think for a minute. I allow myself to voice the thought. “What if we weren’t?”
“What?” Ben blinks in surprise.
Has he not had that thought? “What if I lived there?”
Instead of responding, Ben continues to blink rapidly.
“Say something,” I prompt.
“Liz, don’t toy with me.”
“I’m just thinking out loud.”
“This isn’t the kind of decision you make lightly. What about Matt?”
“What about him? He has money, he can fly to Emma or we can fly to him. I’d figure something out.” I shrug. Somehow whether I really could move to England pales in importance to whether I’d be accepted when I arrived.
“This is a huge decision. I cannot allow myself to think about this until you are sure. Think about Emma, Matt, jobs, citizenship, money, moving. Think about all of it.”
Does he mean right now? That is a lot to process; I’ll need time.
“When you decide, you let me know,” he finishes.
“Ben, do you not want me in England?” I ask quietly.
Ben sighs. “Babe, I want you with me. If that’s here, great. If not, we’ll consider options. I just need you to think about everything — this is a huge decision.”
“You’re right. Thank you.” A thought pops into my head but I cannot voice it. I love you, I want to scream. No, it’s too soon. That one is for me right now; I don’t want to scare Ben off.
When the call ends, I close the laptop gently. My hands drift to my belly, resting on the curve of Emma. The silence of the room makes the distance feel sharper, heavier. I whisper our new mantra only to her. “No regrets.”