24. Lex
I’m fucked.
I knew a girl’s night when I was in a funk would be a terrible idea. The moment I open my door, Ruby’s eyes narrow and she hums a determined little noise I’ve come to dread. It means she’ll stop at nothing to unearth exactly what’s bothering me so she can try to eradicate it. Or, in this case, him. Too bad murder is a felony.
“Not tonight, Roo, please,” I mutter, sweeping a hand out to usher her down the hall. “Cass is in the kitchen.”
Ruby keeps her eyes on me as she pads by, as though she can glare the truth out of me. When she doesn’t succeed by the time she passes, she calls down the hall.
“Status report!”
“Shit’s fucked!” Cass hollers back.
With a knowing look over her shoulder, Ruby sighs. Groaning, I rub a hand over my forehead and trudge after her. I’m not ready for her particular brand of disarming insightfulness. I definitely should’ve canceled girls’ night.
“I can hear you thinking about throwing us out.” Ruby narrows her eyes as I step into the kitchen. I moved so slowly in her wake that she’s already sitting next to Cass at the island, wine glass in hand. “It’s not happening.”
“She’s knows it’s not.” Cass grins over her glass, her eyes flashing in amusement. “She also knows we wouldn’t have believed any of her usual excuses, so canceling would’ve been futile.”
“You both suck,” I huff, snatching my half-full glass off the counter.
“Trouble in man-sandwich paradise?” Cass coos.
There are no secrets between us. I trust both of them implicitly, even if Cass makes a living by telling other people’s stories. I know she’ll never tell mine without permission.
“Which one of them is it?” Ruby presses.
“Can we talk about literally anything else, ladies?” I take a sip, watching them watch me. “Please?”
Cass leans toward Ruby. “Is she begging right now?”
Ruby’s lips twitch in response to her stage whisper. “Not yet.”
“Well, this is fun.” Turning, I walk away. If I’m going to endure their shenanigans, I’m getting comfortable. “Bring the wine,” I toss over my shoulder.
They mutter to each other as I curl up in the corner of my giant sectional. It’s the one piece of furniture in the room I didn’t let the decorators pick for me. The soft cushions swallow me as I snag a soft throw from the basket by the arm, tucking it around myself. The lights in Jax’s pool house are on, including the twinkle lights he strung up on the porch. He worried they’d bother me, but I find the warm reminder of his presence comforting.
“Cass is ordering Thai.”
Ruby sets two bottles of wine on the coffee table as she enters the room, then flops into the big armchair near me. Her sharp gaze never leaves my face.
“Lovely.”
“Which one of them fucked up?” Cass asks, walking up with her phone in one hand and wine in the other. She doesn’t glance up as she swings up and perches on the opposite arm of the couch, her toes digging into the cushion.
“What makes you think someone fucked up?”
Cass snorts, tapping away on what I assume is a food delivery app. I can feel Ruby’s eye roll, but I don’t glance over to see it happen.
“We know you,” Ruby answers. “You’re a reasonable human, and, while you get restless sometimes, you’re annoyingly constant.”
That gets my attention. “Annoyingly?”
“Yep.” Cass pops the ‘p’ as she taps her screen with her thumb, then chucks her phone down on the couch and looks up. “People aren’t constant, Lexi.”
“Oh god, not you, too,” I groan, leaning my head back. “That fucking nickname.”
“What? It’s adorable.”
“It’s what my nephew calls me. It’s not for adults.”
“Jax is an adult,” Ruby intones flatly.
I glance over at her. “Fine. It’s not for other adults.”
“Whatever. He used it once around me and I loved it, so it’s sticking,” Cass insists. “Back to the matter at hand. You’re the most predictable person I know, and you’ve been completely baffling for the last two weeks.”
“Predictable?!” My lips part as I stare at her. “You’re kidding me.”
“Don’t take it personally.” She flaps a hand at me. “You’re a brilliant businesswoman and make all sorts of surprising strategic moves at work, you know this.”
“But outside of work,” Ruby adds, “you’re usually very reliable.”
“I like reliable more than predictable.” I tip my wine toward Ruby.
“Semantics.” Cass waves her hand again. “I’ve known you for years and she’s known you for decades and we’re both confused as fuck about what’s going on with you lately.”
“I see.”
“This is the part where you spill.” Cass perches on my couch expectantly, her expression open and encouraging.
I glance over at Ruby, finding her hawk eyes trained on me. Sighing, I sip from my giant glass.
“I will confiscate that damn thing if you try to hide behind it all night, Lexi, I swear to god.”
“Call me Lexi again, and I’ll throw you both out.”
“Hey!” Ruby protests. “I haven’t called you Lexi once!”
“Guilty by association,” I insist, gesturing vaguely between them.
“She’s on the opposite side of the room and we came in separate cars,” Ruby deadpans.
“Whoa, Roo. Stone cold.” Cass stares at her with wide eyes.
“What?” Ruby shrugs. “She’s my best friend. If I gotta throw you under the bus to help her, I will.”
“I’ll allow it.” Cass raises her glass in salute as Ruby does the same, united in their determination to wear me down. Then the redhead turns to me again. “We’re back to my original ask, then. Spill.”
“I don’t want to.” I don’t. At all. I’m not sure I’ve fully processed why I’ve been in a funk for two weeks. And processing out loud with these two sounds…painful.
“We could just get her drunk and try again in an hour,” Ruby offers. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She holds my glare, unflinching.
I’ve led thousands of negotiations in my career, and no one resisted the full weight of my glaring silence without sweating, fidgeting, breaking, or all three. But Ruby sips her wine, completely unaffected. She’d make a damn fine lawyer if she didn’t hate bureaucracy.
“It’s silly,” I insist. “I’ll get over it.”
“Stop deflecting!” Cass’s tone is indignant as she slides down to the cushion, her back up against the arm. “Lex, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?”
“Do we need to kick some idiot in the balls?”
Turning back to Ruby, I level a finger at her. “Yes.”
“Which one? The tattooed tech geek who brought you blue light glasses last week–I’m still not over how fucking sweet that was, by the way–or the golden retriever runner?” Cass asks eagerly.
“You’re both way too invested in this,” I sigh.
“It’s the brother.”
Cass gasps and slaps her thigh. “The brother! Of course!”
Jaw dropped, I stare at Ruby. “How do you do that?!”
She studies her nails. “It’s a gift. What did the broody asshole do now?”
Over the last ten weeks of working with the boys, I’d kept Ruby and Cass relatively up to date. They knew about Shane joining my fun with Linc, and about the tension between me and Declan from the beginning. I had yet to tell them about the earth shattering kiss on the day Cass interviewed him because I was still grappling with what happened immediately after.
“It’s nothing. I need to just woman up and move on.”
“Because stuffing your feelings down is definitely the healthy approach to emotional pain.”
“Listen to her, Lex. She’s brilliant. She’s a professor.”
Rolling my eyes, I scoff. “Not of psychology.”
Cass shrugs. “Still. Smart.”
“She is,” I concede.
The truth is, I don’t know if I even have the words to explain how I’m feeling. How the back and forth between me and Declan has distracted me for weeks. And I have the sneaking suspicion that speaking it aloud will only make it weigh heavier on my mind. There’s nothing either of them can do to address what is–or isn’t–between us. And he either has no idea what he wants or has no interest in making an effort.
“Start thinking out loud, Lex.”
My gaze finds Ruby’s. Her eyes are dark and soulful, her lower lip caught in her teeth. For as surly as she can be, I suspect no one cares more deeply for others than she does.
“The day you came and interviewed Declan ended poorly.” I sip my wine as I look over at Cass.
“What? I thought it went so well. He raved about you and Athena, Lex.” She frowns. “He genuinely seemed grateful and couldn’t stop talking about you and what Athena’s done for Solum. Was he unhappy after?”
I gaze at my hands. “No. He was thrilled. We spoke, and things felt almost natural between us for the first time.”
Cass cocks her head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I. One moment we were bantering, and the next he was kissing me. And then he was running away.”
I glance at them both and chuckle softly at their raised brows.
“He didn’t!” Cass is incredulous. “Wait, how are we only hearing about this now? You kissed?!”
“The more important part is that he ran away,” Ruby interjects, her tone hard.
“After he called it a mistake.”
They both inhale sharply, Cass in shock and Ruby in sheer fury.
“I think he got in his head. Felt guilty maybe?”
“Don’t make excuses for him.” Ruby’s eyes flash. “He’s a grown ass man. He should act like one.”
“I know. I’m not.” I breathe deeply, trying to calm the emotions roiling in my chest. “He clearly wasn’t ready for whatever happened between us, and I should let myself forget it happened.”
Ruby snorts. Cass ignores her and leans forward eagerly.
“What did you do? Tell me you set him straight.”
“Kind of? I called him a coward, then walked out. But since then, I’ve…” My voice trails off as I consider how much to share. It doesn’t take long for me to decide on all of it. “I’m not sleeping well, would’ve skipped my morning workouts if Linc didn’t show up, and I’m running myself ragged at work, glued to a screen eighteen hours a day. And as I’ve paid enough attention to notice all that, it’s opened my eyes to how many people in my orbit take care of me.”
I look off to the side, studying the color and textile of the couch. Eye contact feels like too big an ask. “I didn’t realize how much you all do, or Miles. Hell, even Cami. And that was before Linc and Shane swept into my life.”
Sighing, I slouch deeper into my blanket. “And here I am, with so many people in my circle, and one confusing interaction with a brilliant, beautiful man who is as confusing as he is cunning has taken me offline. That’s what it feels like. Like his unwillingness to acknowledge or do anything about our growing tension has derailed my brain. And I don’t fucking know why I’m giving him that kind of power.”
Silence fills the room as I gulp my wine. After a moment, Ruby goes straight for the jugular.
“You’re not angry. You’re hurt.”
Frowning, I turn to her. “That’s not–”
“Whether or not you’ve realized it, you’re invested. Personally. And him keeping you at arm’s length is hurtful, especially when he crosses boundaries willy nilly then bolts.”
Her words strike a chord, and I mull over them. Of course I’m personally invested in Linc and Shane, it’s impossible not to be. Declan and I, on the other hand, hadn’t crossed any lines until he pressed his lips to mine and turned my world upside down. Absently, my fingers brush my lips at the memory, my chest squeezing.
If I’m honest with myself, I’m not the one who wants distance. He’s pushed me away at every opportunity ever since he walked out of my conference room. Do I want something more from Declan?
“You like him.”
Cass is studying me, her shrewd gaze breaking me apart like one of her interview subjects.
“He’s…fine.” And infuriating...gorgeous, frustrating, talented as fuck, exasperating. But, yeah, we’ll go with fine.
“You want the full set,” Ruby muses.
“Excuse you?” I sputter.
“Oh, come on. You wouldn’t be in your head like this if you weren’t interested. He’s more than a client to you, just like the other two are. You light up every time you talk about them or their business, Declan included.”
“Okaaaay, but there’s a big difference between being more than a client and being what Linc and Shane are to me.” He’d have to fucking talk to me about something other than Solum, for starters.
“And you want to bridge that distance. Think about it. What are you really upset about?” Ruby presses.
I frown. Admittedly, I’ve avoided examining my feelings too closely. Between work and the guys, it felt easier to shove it all to the back of my head and just keep moving forward. It’s almost jarring to realize I haven’t fully examined the cause of my negative feelings.
“Of course I want him to trust me.” The words are more stalling tactic than insight, and we all know it. “But there’s also a part of me that wonders…”
“What it would be like to finally let someone in for more than hot sex?” Cass blinks as I stare at her. “What? It’s literally my job to be insightful.”
“You’re usually less blunt about it than she is,” I protest, gesturing to Ruby.
“Whatever. Lex, is Cass right? Are you wanting something more?”
Was I?I shake my head. “I…I mean, no, I don’t think so.” I swallow. “We set ground rules. There’s an end date.”
A feeling of foreboding flares in my chest at the thought, but I lock it up.
“Do you want there to be?” Cass’s voice is tentative, gentle. “An end date, I mean.”
“Of course.”
Ruby tsks. “Don’t give your automatic answer, Lex. Sex may have been something you did to scratch an itch before, but we all know it’s a lot more than that with those two. You’re basically in a full-on polyamorous relationship. You have been for weeks.”
I blink. “They’ve never used that word.”
Both of them roll their eyes, but it’s Ruby who speaks. “Do you feel like you’re in a relationship?”
Sighing, I close my eyes and consider the question. I see Linc nearly every morning, and Shane drops by multiple times a week. Sometimes he brings me lunch, but there”s been other things–an oversized water bottle, the blue light glasses, and even a ring light for my desk after I complained off-handedly about the lighting in my office.
Both of them text me daily, not only to coordinate plans to see one another, but also to simply check in. When something noteworthy happens at work, I want to share it with them before anyone else. And when they have breakthroughs at Solum, I usually get an eager video call before they send the details over to my team. Opening my eyes, I meet Ruby’s expectant gaze.
“Yes.”
Cass squeals while Ruby just nods back at me. “I thought so.”
“Girl, I’m so happy for you!” Cass chirps.
“Yeah,” I scoff. “Sure. But it can’t go anywhere, even if you were right and I was considering something more. They’re a package deal, all three of them, and Declan is definitely not in.”
“But you like him,” Ruby presses.
Yes. “He’s an ass, Roo.”
“A biteable ass,” Cass offers.
I arch a brow at her.
“What? I have eyes. Dude’s a ten.”
Ruby snorts while I push right past Cass’s comment. “Hotness aside…yeah, I guess you could say I like him. I’m intrigued by him, I think.” I stare off into the distance, picking at the blanket as I try to corral my thoughts. “It’s so rare for me to go toe-to-toe with someone and feel evenly matched, you know? When we’re not sniping at each other, we’re building something incredible.”
Heaving a sigh, I swipe my fingers under my eyes. “But I must be making it all up in my head because he went and called me a mistake.”
“He called kissing you a mistake,” Ruby corrects. “He’s a shithead for it either way, but let’s be clear.”
Smiling softly at her vehement defense of me, I incline my head. “You’re right. I feel tied up in knots and I don’t even know what he wants. That’s not how a healthy relationship works.”
“And you want that,” Ruby presses.
The thought is almost terrifying. I haven’t had a long-term relationship in years, not since grad school. My business always came first, and I liked it that way. Attachments are…messy. In my experience, family was a source of pain and weakness, not strength. And while Declan, Lincoln, and Shane seem to have created something that was the complete opposite, it seemed like the exception to prove the rule.
“I can’t even imagine what that could look like,” I murmur, eyes glazing as my mind whirs.
“Probably a lot like the last few weeks,” Cass says. “Except maybe in one house, instead of two.”
Before Linc, I would’ve scoffed at the suggestion of moving in with someone I had a romantic connection with. I couldn’t afford that kind of distraction, and I had no desire to weave someone so intimately into my life. Trusting someone to that extent was a foreign concept.
“Lex, stop panicking.” Ruby’s voice cuts through the rushing in my ears. “You’re in control, you know. Pretty sure those two would give you anything you wanted.”
“Not if it meant losing Declan.” I know it without a doubt–Linc and Shane will never put me before their brother. And I’ll never ask them to. I love how they support one another, how they’ve created the family they want and need. Interfering with it is out of the question, despite what I may want. “He wants nothing to do with me.”
“That’s not true,” Cass exclaims, snatching her phone. “I can prove it.”
I glance at Ruby, brow raised. She shrugs.
“Got it!”
“Got what?” I peer toward her phone.
“Voice memo from Declan’s interview. He was very complimentary.”
He was?It’s nearly pathetic how pleased I am to hear it. “I’m failing as a feminist,” I sigh, dropping my head back on the couch and closing my eyes.
“Feminism is personal,” Cass quips, “and your particular brand is effective as fuck when it comes to lifting other women up and helping them achieve their dreams, so fuck it. Fall in love with the alphahole if you want. You deserve it. And any feminist who thinks otherwise can get fucked.”
She’s too intent on her phone screen to notice me staring at her, jaw slightly dropped. “Alphahole?”
Cass flaps a hand as Ruby snorts. “Doesn’t matter, listen to this.”
She taps the phone with her thumb, and Declan’s rough voice fills my living room.
“Honestly, I’m still surprised I’m even here,” he says.
“What do you mean?” Cass presses.
He chuckles self-consciously. “Ah, I mean, I’m not surprised we’ve been funded. We deserve that, our tech is revolutionary. But being here, part of Athena’s roster? I have to pinch myself about that one every once in a while.”
“Say more.” I can hear the smirk in Cass’s voice.
“If we were football players, getting signed by Athena is like being a first round draft pick. And having Lex Livingston as our strategic business advisor and personal mentor is like winning the Super Bowl in our rookie year. She’s a force.”
He huffs, and I can picture him slowly shaking his head. “I admired her for years, you know. Was so impressed by Athena’s rise. It was like they didn’t know how to lose, like they didn’t even acknowledge it was an option. In a world where it’s impossible to play a perfect game, I thought they were the exception.”
“Thought, past tense?”
“Yeah. Then I met Lex, started working with her. And as much as I respect and appreciate the team she’s built, Athena’s success isn’t owed to them.”He pauses, and Cass looks at me with tender eyes.
“It’s her.” He takes a deep breath, soft sounds like he shifted in his chair coming through. “She’s literally the smartest person I’ve ever met, and that’s before you realize she actually gives a shit, truly, about the people she works with and mentors.”
He apologizes for the swearing. They laugh.
I look up and meet Cass’s gaze as he starts back up again, my heart pounding.
“I’m in awe of her. Working with her, benefiting from her perspective and expertise, is a literal dream. I founded Solum because I wanted to build my family’s legacy, launch a green building solution that could help address housing insecurity and improve global economies. That was the dream.”
Cass reaches out and squeezes my hand.
“Lex Livingston gave me–gave us–a second chance and, in doing so, handed my lifelong dream to me on a silver platter and dared me to dream bigger. Who else in this industry can do that, huh? No one. She’s a unicorn.”
My friend taps her phone and tosses it back down. “He may do a shit job of telling you how he feels, but he had no problem telling the whole damn world. I don’t know what’s keeping him from saying those things to your face, but we all have baggage, Lexi. Even you.”
I’m so stunned I don’t even react to the nickname, my eyes hot.
“The line between love and hate is a tightrope, you know.” Cass grins. “And while your broody asshole might be athletic as fuck, he’s no acrobat. He’s keeping you at a distance for a reason, but clearly a lack of attraction, respect, or admiration isn’t it.”
The thought warms me through. I almost hate how much I react to the simple idea of something more with Declan. When did I develop a thing for him? As soon as I think it, I know it’s a silly question. The back and forth between us is an aphrodisiac of its own, given how rarely I find someone to challenge me. And I fucking love how neither one of us can back down when we get into it, each of us pushing the other into something…more than we were before.
“Girl, that man looks at you like he wants to devour you.” Cass laughs, filling the silence I let linger.
“And he’s mad about it,” Ruby adds.
“You haven’t even met him!” I accuse, cracking a smile as I swallow back tears.
“But she nailed it,” Cass giggles. “Granted, he seems mad about most things.”
“He’s so hot and cold. I shouldn’t even be thinking about this.” I drop my face into my hands. “If he can’t own up to wanting me, he doesn’t deserve me.”
“That’s fucking true,” Ruby agrees. “But the heart wants what it wants, Lex.”
“And you think I want him?” I give her a sardonic look, even though she’s right.
“I think he’s sharp as hell and pushes you, and you fucking love that. And you want all three of them.” Cass smiles as I turn to her. “I’m sitting here cheering you on, because you deserve everything. Literally, Lex. Everything.”
A thoughtful smile tugs at my lips as I reach out a hand to Cass, gripping hers tightly. That I said almost the same thing to Declan before he walked out doesn’t escape me.
“She’s right.” Ruby arches a brow. “The question is, how are you going to go about getting what you deserve?”