41. Lex
“Yo, Lexi!”
I pause on my way up the stairs, leaning down to peek through the railing. My nephew stands at the threshold of my sliding door in board shorts and a tank top that shows more skin than it covers. He grins and waves enthusiastically, lifting a pizza box in one hand.
“Hey, Jax.” I trot back down the steps, walking over to give him a hug. “You alright?”
“Can’t complain.” He raises the box again. “Figured I could use some help devouring this bad boy. Haven’t seen your guys around lately, so I also figured you had your usual tonight.”
Glaring at him, I walk toward the kitchen. “They’re not mine.”
“I’ll ask you again…do they know that?”
Handing him a beer from the fridge, I gesture toward the island. As I reach up for a wine glass to go with the bottle of white, he glances at the beer.
“This is my beer.”
“The kind you seem to prefer, yes.”
He perches on a stool, placing the pizza box on the island. “You bought my favorite beer.”
“I did.”
I hold out a plate, but he rolls his eyes. Chuckling, I pop them both back into the cabinet before settling onto the stool next to him and dragging over the paper towel holder.
“Awful nice of you, Lexi,” he says around a mouthful of pizza.
“It’s just beer, Jax. You’ve lived here long enough I should stock more than your favorite drink.”
“Nah,” he shakes his head. “You’re the busiest person I know. Yet you still made time to get something just for me. Last person to go out of their way for me like that was my mom.”
“We’re family,” I answer automatically, but the moment the words pass my lips I pause.
Jax notices. He always notices. He’s only been living with me for six months or so, but I suspect he could rival Ruby with his insightfulness.
“Why does talking about family make you go all frozen and stone-like?” He asks innocently, his blue eyes wide and inviting.
“Well, Jax, I do believe you’ve met my brother.”
“Once or twice,” he quips.
There’s some truth to the statement, and it makes me angry at Nate all over again.
“Have you ever met Reginald?”
“Can’t say I’ve had the misfortune.”
I laugh. “Good. Probably best to keep it that way.”
Jax looks down, and I curse internally.
“I’m sorry, Jax, I shouldn’t be so flippant. The way he ignores your existence is abhorrent and not something to joke about.”
He grins lazily. “Aw, Lexi, you’re sweet. I’m okay, promise. After what little I’ve heard from you and Mom, pretty sure I’m better off never meeting dear ol’ Grandpa. Did you see him in Paris?”
I grimace. “Unfortunately.”
He sighs. “I’ll never understand these people, will I?”
Huffing, I look up at the kitchen cabinets, my gaze unfocused. “I grew up with them for seventeen years and I still don’t understand them, Jax, so…no. Though I’m certain that’s not a bad thing. All they’ve given me is emotional trauma and thousands of dollars in therapy bills.”
He chuckles before his gaze goes pensive. “So you left home right around…”
Setting my pizza down, I grab a paper towel and wipe my hands, then squeeze his shoulder.
“Just before Nate found out about you. If I’d been there when it all happened…” I trail off, sighing. “Well, there’s no sense in postulating what might have been, but I’m sorry I wasn’t there to try and make it better.”
“Thanks, Lexi.” He leans into my side briefly, then goes back to his pizza. “Though, if what I’ve heard is true, I guess I should be glad Grandpa paid Mom off.”
I gasp, then cough, nearly choking on my pizza. “He did what?” I croak.
Jax reaches over and thumps my back. “Damn it, sorry. Thought you knew. Mom didn’t make it a secret.”
“I’ve never met your mother, Jax.”
“That’s a shame, too. She’s a peach.”
He smiles as I compose myself, taking a long pull of wine to wash everything down.
“Anyway, when she went to Dad to share the big news, she ran into Grandpa first. He scared her pretty good, made some threats, then offered her a million bucks to move to the west coast and never contact the family again.”
I stare, my lips parted, then blow out a harsh breath. That asshole. “Fuck, Jax. I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“What was Dad’s story?”
“He said your mom wanted to move to LA and he couldn’t do anything about it, that Reginald kept him from seeing you until he moved out here.”
“Grandpa’s a wily one, eh? Spinning stories to get what he wants.”
I huff, downing more wine. “That’s an understatement.”
Jax eyes me as he takes a drink. “Why are you in your head about family tonight, Lexi?”
He may be nearly two decades younger than me, but Jax is wise beyond his years. His casual surfer dude persona puts those around him at ease, and he seems to genuinely care about people.
“You’ve probably gathered or guessed the gist of it.” I give him a gentle smirk.
He nods. “Your guys want to stick around for good, I take it.”
Swallowing to give myself a moment, I look down at the paper towel in my hands. I pick off a corner, worrying the stiff material until it goes soft.
“Shane told me he loved me today.”
Jax grins. “He’s a straight shooter, that one. I like him.”
“I do, too.” The pile of power towel pieces grows before me.
“You don’t feel the same?”
“I…fuck.” Dragging a hand down my face, I lean my head back and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know.”
“Don’t lie to me, yeah?” Jax’s voice is gentle but firm.
“You and Ruby should be friends,” I huff, looking away from his earnest gaze. “You’re the only people on the planet who can read me like a book.”
The ghost of a smile crosses his mouth. “We aren’t talking about me, Lexi.”
“Fine. I…I’ve never been in love before. The way I feel about Shane, though…I can’t describe it.”
“What do you feel when you’re with him?”
I pick at the paper towel, heat in the corners of my eyes. “Seen. Cherished.” A ragged breath shudders through me. “Safe. He makes me feel both untouchable and powerful, like he can give me this shot of confidence while also clearing away anything trying to hurt me. Even when it’s me doing the hurting.”
Glancing up at Jax, I blink in surprise to find his eyes swimming with tears.
“Sounds like love,” he rasps with a laugh.
“It does, doesn’t it?” I murmur, sniffling. “Which is confusing, Jax, because it’s nothing like how I feel with Linc or Declan.”
Jax snags a tissue from the box on the island. “Do them next. Start with Linc; he’s wicked on a surfboard.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.” Taking a moment to consider the question, I smile. “Linc’s…god, he’s fun personified. I’ve never laughed so much with another human, ever. And while Shane keeps me safe, Linc makes me feel like I can do anything, like no dream is out of reach. He’s playful and thoughtful and kind.”
I laugh wetly, surprised by the tears on my cheeks. “We have entire conversations with little looks and glances when we run.”
My breath catches and my eyes squeeze shut, my voice dropping to a whisper. “He’s the first person I’ve let myself be truly vulnerable with. I…I don’t know if I ever fully trusted another person before him.”
“Fuck, Lexi, why are you here in this kitchen with me?” Jax gasps. “You should be with the guys you love.”
“Is that love?” I ask him, voice shaky.
Dabbing his eyes, he turns to me and grips my hand. “You know what I’ve learned about love?”
“Tell me.”
He smiles. “Love is a choice, Lex. One you make every day. There’s lust and passion wrapped up in it, but ultimately it’s you deciding you’re willing to give yourself to someone, to put them first, regardless of what you get in return.”
He looks down, breathing deep. “People call it falling in love, right? I think it’s more like taking a swan dive without knowing what’s beneath you. It’s crazy and could definitely go sideways in a heartbeat, but you climb that cliff and dive into the abyss every day anyway.”
“It’s a choice,” I whisper.
“Yeah, Lexi. It doesn’t just happen. Love is something you weigh, consider, and decide.”
“I’m pretty good at decision-making.” My lips lift through my tears.
He chuckles. “I know you are.”
“I can just choose to love them. All three of them, if I want.”
“You can.” His hand tightens around mine. “You didn’t tell me how Declan makes you feel.”
“Fucking murderous.”
Jax laughs so hard, he snorts. I laugh with him, leaning against the counter as I double over.
“He…” I sigh, dipping my chin. Despite the emotions warring inside me since the flight home, a smile still pulls at my mouth. “He challenges me, Jax, and that’s not something I’ve gotten outside of work.”
“Yeah,” he scoffs. “You’re intimidating as fuck.”
I blink. “I am not.”
“Uh, yes. You are. I’m the one who had to ask you for a job the first time we met.”
“And look how that turned out for you, hm?” I smile.
“Anyway, go on,” he prompts. “More about Declan. He challenges you.”
“And infuriates me.” I hold up a finger. “But he’s also disarming. In Paris, there was this whole new side to him. He was…vulnerable. There was this promise of something deep and overwhelming just under the surface. Something consuming.”
I sigh, gripping my neck. “He reminds me of me. When I was constantly railing against the world because I was scared it would realize I didn’t belong in the places I forced my way into. It’s probably why we can be so volatile.”
“You like the volatility, though?”
“I think I love it, Jax,” I murmur.
He grins, eyes shiny. “So what’s stopping you from letting them love you?”
My mouth opens, then closes. I look at the pile of paper towel shreds on the counter.
“When I think about family, I…I get scared. I’ve seen what a family can be at its worst.”
“Yeah, Lexi, but what about when it’s at its best?” Jax grips my hand again. “What if you create a new family with the people you love, and leave the old one behind?”
Tears fill my eyes. “Is that…can I do that? Is that real life?”
“It can be.” A tear spills over, slipping down his cheek. “You don’t have to keep the people who want to love you at arm’s length, Lexi. Let us be your family. Let us love you.”
“Is it weird that sounds as terrifying as it does wonderful?” I whisper.
“Pretty sure that’s why it’s worth it.”