Chapter 10 #2
When Denny was six, she’d accidentally released the hand brake of her Mum’s Audi.
The car had crashed into the neighbour’s SUV down the road, causing thousands of pounds of damage.
She still vividly remembered the relief in Mum and Dad’s voices when they’d pulled her out of the car unscathed.
Denny couldn’t stop apologising and all they ever said to her was ‘It’s okay, baby, don’t worry.
It’s just a car. You’re more important.’
They all still recalled it as a funny story to tell their friends.
“It was an accident!” she exclaimed. “And you were just a child!”
Eris
In the Keane house actions had consequences
Denny saw the same horror she was feeling painted across Malik’s and Noah’s faces. Eris sipped some latte, eyes flickering quizzically between them.
“It’s just…” Denny didn’t really know what to say. ‘Your dad sounds like an arsehole’ and ‘Sounds like you were abused’ would not be very tactful. “That’s— That’s a bit cruel, don’t you reckon?”
It was obvious that Eris couldn’t see what Denny and the twins saw, because her blank expression didn’t change.
“Alright, so, back on topic.” Noah put an elbow on the table, leaning towards Eris. He halted as soon as she started backing away. “What do you look for in a guy?”
Eris
Straightforwardness
Never had a stable relationship tbf
Don’t think it’s for me
Noah’s face fell. “So you don’t… date?”
Eris
I use Tinder when I need to scratch an itch but that’s it
Long-term things never work out for me
I’m not fun to be around
Denny dug up a Justin Timberlake gif from her reaction pic folder captioned as ‘Y U lie’ and sent it as a private reply. Eris kneed her under the table.
“You know, it’s not about being fun,” Malik objected. “It’s about finding someone who matches your freak. You just haven’t found them yet.” His wiggling eyebrows roused a breathy laugh out of Eris.
Denny’s knuckles whitened around her cup.
Her leg started bouncing again, but a light brush of Eris’ fingertips kept the agitation at bay, at least on the outside.
On the inside, Denny was still fretting.
Not wanting to be a killjoy, she stapled a big smile into place and kept chatting cheerfully, the thread of the discourse trickling through her hiccupping attention without her really absorbing much of it.
So Eris wasn’t looking for a relationship.
The thing was: they already kind of had a relationship.
A beautiful friendship, nothing more, but the way they lived wasn’t much different from how a married couple lived: wake up together, meals together, one went to work, the other took care of the house, and at night they could be quiet or they could talk about things—or, Denny talked and Eris snorted.
Sometimes Eris glared and Denny piped down. They worked, in their own off-beat way.
Denny tried not to dwell on the fact that none of it was there to last. She’d known all along that living together was a temporary fix until Eris found a job and got her life back together.
Eris had never said anything about staying.
Denny just tended to conveniently forget about it.
In her head, this thing the two of them had the potential to last forever.
‘I love being around you,’ she had been tempted to reply minutes before.
But one particular word among those, barely formed in the tangle of her thoughts, was dangerous, and could potentially disrupt—even destroy—the balance that she and Eris had found together.
Besides, if Eris liked her that way, they wouldn’t be sitting here with the Jordan twins making complete fools of themselves just to earn a smile.
* * *
Excluding Denny’s heavy heart, it was a very enjoyable morning.
They all took seconds and even ordered some pastries despite the boys complaining they were already too squishy for personal trainer standards. All it took to pacify them was one simple comment.
Eris
Squishy bodies are sexy
It cheered up the Jordans, but not Denny.
She wasn’t squishy. The only softness in her body was located in her boobs, and even those weren’t much.
She was beautiful, that much she knew. People told her all the time.
She still didn’t really know how to react to that.
Being attractive didn’t seem like something that deserved praise.
What was so remarkable about it? Lucky genetics were not an achievement.
Physical attraction puzzled her and scared her at the same time: she couldn’t fathom how people just saw each other and hooked up, reducing sex to a mere performative activity. To her, intimacy only made sense as an expression of love and devotion.
Eris
Big fan of all bodies and shapes
Denny perked up a little.
Are you now?
Eris
Like you didn’t know
How would I know?
Eris
I’m gonna make a ‘you’re an idiot’ card
Malik discreetly cleared his throat, reminding Denny that they were texting in the group chat.
“Ah. Yeah, sorry.”
“No apologies needed.” Noah gave her a suave smile. “We should go, bro,” he said then, eyes locking into Denny’s with an odd mischievous glint. “Our schedules are crazy this afternoon.”
Malik jumped to his feet. “Bill’s on me.”
While he queued at the cash register, Eris went to the loo. Denny realised she was alone with Noah only when he waved his hand in front of her face.
“Denny? You there, girl?”
“Uh?” Denny realised she’d heard every single word, but she’d forgotten to listen.
“I was saying that we should do it again some time.”
“Oh, yeah.” Do what again?
“As friends. I really like Eris. She has spunk. But a man needs to know when he doesn’t have a chance.”
“What do you mean?”
“We all know who she really fancies, right?”
“You think it’s Lik?”
Noah looked like he was debating whether to laugh or cry. “You serious, D? You don’t see it?”
“See what?”
Noah scrubbed a hand down his face with the frustration of an adult dealing with a particularly dense child.
“You have this ‘talking in looks’ thing going on with her…”
“We just—”
“… and it doesn’t even cross your mind that you’re the one she fancies?”
* * *
Noah was wrong.
Denny knew he was wrong, but his words had torn the thin veil of disenchantment she had been forcing herself to see through lately. Where there had been nothing but cold rationality, now was timid, terrifying hope. The one thing she couldn’t afford.
Noah didn’t know Eris like she did, he had no idea how hard it was for her to put up with Denny’s rowdy personality. Punctual and meticulous as Eris was, why would she fancy someone who was practically her nemesis?
‘You make it so hard, Denny.’
‘Be yourself’, they said, but when Denny was herself, she spread discontent left, right, and centre: she forgot things, cancelled plans, avoided people on a whim…
According to her therapist, it was a flaw in her brain chemistry, something completely out of her control, and she shouldn’t fight it, nor should anyone force her to fight it.
If there was really nothing to fix, though, why did she feel so broken all the time? Most of the world didn’t accept a ‘Please, understand that my brain works differently’ card as an excuse. Denny wasn’t even sure she was excusable at all.
In spite of this, Eris never lost her patience with her. She called her out when Denny needed to be called out and respectfully asked for space when necessary, never turning her requests into backhanded criticism, even when Denny probably deserved some.
‘It’d be easier to be with you if you could be an adult for one fucking minute!’
A boulder set on her sternum. She shouldn’t still be hearing those venomous whispers. She had healed. She’d grown stronger than them.
But had she?
She was supposed to be safe in her own head by now, and yet here it was, coming at her again, the deceptively saccharine voice that had taken her apart one sweet lie at a time.
Denny wrapped her arms around herself, to no avail. There was no way to rub off a cold that came from the inside.
Eris stopped her in the middle of the path. Regent’s Park was deserted: the chilly air and the clouds had chased everyone away.
She thumbed through her flashcards until she found the miserable panda and showed it to Denny.
“Sad?” Denny all but sniffled. “Why are you sad?”
Eris pushed the card to her with an impatient groan. ‘YOU. YOU are sad.’
Denny stared at the poor panda with a watery mist in her eyes. She needed a hug, badly, but didn’t want to extort one out of pity. It was already bad enough that she felt these things.
It’d have been fine, had their positions been reversed: their power imbalance wouldn’t have been an issue. But Eris depended on Denny at the moment and if Denny said anything about her feelings, Eris might feel obliged to return them.
It was a mess, like pretty much everything Denny touched.
A ping came from her phone.
Eris
You’ve been quiet all morning
Denny really needed that hug.
Her chin quivered. She couldn’t cry. It’d have been vile and so manipulative.
“I’m fine.”
Eris
No you’re not
You’re NEVER quiet
‘Good luck finding someone else willing to put up with you.’
Denny’s throat clamped. I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…
Eris
Sunshine?
What could she say?
Are you still here because you have no choice?
Will you walk away as soon as you can?
Everyone does, eventually.
I know it’s me, but, please, don’t leave me.
She sniffled, fighting the dampness in her eyes. PMS was to blame for this. Her emotions were all over the place, out of control.
“Am I… too much?”
Eris’ hesitation only lasted a fraction of a second, but still felt like a stab.
Eris
Context?