Chapter 20
Denny
But to come home each night
and be so deeply understood by you
would be the greatest gift of my life.
― Clementine von Radics
+44 771 441 2674
Thought you should know my GP said my larynx might be damaged
I can send my medical records
In case it helps you think faster about my proposal
+44 771 441 2674
Tick tock, my love
* * *
It was still dark outside. London was asleep as she jogged towards home, skirting along the Regent’s Park and the Outer Circle’s mansions.
She’d have to convince Eris to join her for a run one of these mornings: the quiet and the cool air and the deep blue of the sky turning gold at the horizon…
She would have loved it all. What she wouldn’t have loved was the run itself, but Denny was willing to put up with a bit of sunrise grumbling.
There would definitely be a lot of grumbling when Eris found out she had gone out alone again.
Eris was a decent runner, but not at Denny’s level yet, and in mornings like this Denny needed to run the tension out, as fast as she could, until her lungs burned and her legs were straining.
Blake would never ambush her at such an ungodly hour: her mornings never started earlier than eight and her nights seldom ended before 2 AM.
Denny didn’t miss that, getting guilted into going out every other night to clubs she didn’t like, with people she had nothing in common with, only to be side-eyed by all of them when she ordered a mocktail and sat in silence the whole time.
Looking back, she couldn’t understand how she had convinced herself that Blake was the right person for her.
Watching herself in her memories was like witnessing a stranger working hard towards her own self-destruction, telling herself that, if she gave up just another little piece of herself, everything would be finally alright, Blake would be happy.
But nothing was ever enough for Blake, and by their first anniversary Denny had renounced her entire personality to be the woman that fit at Blake’s side.
She pitied herself, the insecure, easy prey she had been.
There was still an ongoing battle between her newly found confidence and the anxiety etched so deeply in her bones, but she was more self-aware these days, and, above all, had a guardian angel who never tired of reminding her that she should put herself first, always, no matter what.
Now, Denny could say she was prioritising her own needs. Most of the time.
Her top priority slumbered in her bed at home, ready to berate her as soon as she returned.
Denny grinned to herself and sprinted towards Baker Street.
It had been a while since she’d felt the urge to go out for a run in the early morning.
Normally, she did her cardio at the gym or went for long walks with Eris.
Sunrise runs had been a constant throughout university: they’d helped her keep her mind clear and focused while washing the stress from her limbs.
Today, she was running at sunrise because she’d woken at 4 feeling like she might explode if she didn’t do something.
The air was chilly. A light mist floated in the streets, painting a ghastly scenery that Denny missed during the summer. Now houses and shops were ready for Halloween and there couldn’t have been better weather for this time of the year.
During the hot months, Denny was a reptile who liked bathing in the sun with a book and an iced tea on the most secluded spot she could find in Regent’s Park; when autumn came, hibernation mode hit and she transformed into a homebody who would’ve been happy to wait for spring behind a window, be it at home or in some cosy café.
Now that she had someone to share these little pleasures with, she was looking forward to the cold rainy days, and the pumpkin spice, and the hot chocolates with cream.
The thought of Eris caused an immediate shift in her pace. Denny couldn’t recognise herself, these days. She could barely look at Eris without getting overtaken by a yearning she had a hard time living with. It felt so disrespectful to feel like that when Eris was just innocently existing…
Was this how most people felt all the time? Was this how she was supposed to have felt with her previous partners?
Every time she’d heard sex being described as an animalistic instinct, she’d felt superior: her body wasn’t commanded by some primitive call she couldn’t help but answer.
Now she kind of got it.
Eris had unlocked something in her that Denny herself was just getting to discover.
She understood, now, why it was called sexual drive.
It’d never been about the will to please and gratify she’d been following all this time.
It wasn’t something you just indulged… It seized you, intoxicated you, blurred the borders between want and need.
She wasn’t familiar with it, didn’t know how to handle it, and, above all, couldn’t just go by trial and error because it wasn’t fair towards Eris that she kept chickening out in the middle of a heated makeout session because she wasn’t sure where she wanted it to go.
She sped up until she felt a stitch in her side, only to distract herself from the heat building below her navel.
The final mile felt amazing. She was light as a feather, high on dopamine, and ready to run seven more miles, but the sun was coming up fast and she wanted to spare some time after showering to make breakfast before Eris woke up.
The flat was quiet when she sneaked through the door.
She toed off her shoes, then stripped as she padded upstairs, stopping by her room to check on Eris, who was lying on her side, fast asleep.
If Denny hadn’t been soaked in sweat, she would’ve snuggled up with her until the alarm went off, but she was disgusting and couldn’t wait to rinse it all away.
When she came out of the shower, every glass surface in the bathroom was covered in steam.
Wrapping a towel around herself, she opened the two windows and left them ajar to let some fresh air in.
The mirror was completely fogged, so she grabbed a cloth from under the sink and wiped it, propping a knee to the marble top to stretch as far high up as she could.
“Now, that’s quite a sight to wake up to.”
Denny’s knee almost slipped. Through the mirror she saw Eris leaning with a shoulder against the doorframe, arms folded, a cheeky smirk on her lips.
“Please, don’t stop on my account. I was quite enjoying that.
” Eris’ eyes meaningfully climbed Denny’s bare legs, to the hem of the towel that barely covered her bottom.
Denny felt that look like a physical touch—she wished it’d been a physical touch, because a very specific spot in her body desperately craved it.
She hopped off the countertop, pressing her legs together. The burning sensation on her face was definitely a consequence of the hot shower.
Eris moved behind her, barefoot, a cheek still bearing an imprint of the crinkled sheets.
She always looked so fresh in the morning, it was unfair.
The alarm went off and Eris’ brain was awake and fully functional, while it took Denny’s brain hours and a great labour to be fully awake.
Denny never looked so effortlessly beautiful after waking up, either: puffy eyes, greyish circles under them…
Only her skincare ritual could fix that, whereas Eris just jumped out of bed, washed her face, and was ready to kick off the day.
Solid arms wrapped around her as she made eye contact through the reflection. “You went out on your own again.”
Denny blissfully leaned back into her. “5 AM might be the only time London is safe.”
The nape of her neck, free from the tresses pinned at the top of her head, covered in goosebumps when Eris tickled it with a kiss.
“This is a very twisted way to get me into cardio.”
“You hate cardio.”
“I hate the thought of you exposing yourself to unnecessary danger more, Blake or not.”
Little did Eris know that she was the main reason Denny needed to blow off so much steam.
Another kiss spread goosebumps down Denny’s spine. Eris rubbed her cheek upon her shoulder like a snuggly cat. Denny wished she had her phone to snap a photo.
“Sup, cuddlebear?”
“I’m sorry about the other day.”
“What are you talking about?”
“When things were heating up and I said ‘Don’t be cruel’... You thought I was telling you off.” Denny’s silence spoke for her. Bright blue eyes sombered in the mirror. “You did, didn’t you?”
“You weren’t?”
“I don’t know… No.” Eris gave Denny’s shoulder a little headbutt.
Her sigh was cool upon the damp skin. “I was so worked up I wasn’t thinking straight.
I guess I was begging you not to tease me if you didn’t mean to go all the way.
I only realised later that you might not even know how far you wanted to go.
” With another sigh, her chin rested upon Denny’s shoulder.
“Now I’m scared you’ll never touch me again because you think it has to be all or nothing… And it doesn’t.”
Denny turned around in Eris’ arms with a shy laugh that was half an apology.
“It’s really hard to keep my hands off you,” she confessed, smoothing down the pyjama top on Eris’ chest. “It’s just that lately…
” She had to close her eyes to regain some focus before her memory strayed to how it felt to have her hands under that top.
“I can’t be near you without wanting to jump your bones like some… animal in heat…”
Eris stared, unfazed, as if Denny hadn’t just told her one of the most appallingly disrespectful things ever.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“I feel like I’m objectifying you.”
Eris’ head tilted. “That’s kinda flattering.”
“It doesn’t sit right with me.”
“Sunshine.” The mirthful sound that poured out of Eris bore a hint of fond leniency. “It’s called being horny.” She removed a wayward hair from Denny’s face. “You’ve never been horny before?”
It was a complicated question with an even more complicated answer.