28. Shane
Shane
“How are you?” I ask as Nik walks away.
“I’m good.” Gran runs her hand up and down my arm. “Even better now that I got to see my favorite grandson.”
“I’m your only grandson.”
“And my favorite.” She grins, placing her hands on my face. “I’m so proud of you.”
My brows pinch before it dawns on me. “Nik told you, didn’t she?”
“She did, but don’t be upset. I’m so glad she did.”
“I mean, it doesn’t make up for all the shit I’ve fucked up, but yeah.” I shrug. “I’m clean.”
A sad smile ghosts across her face. “Baby, your worth is not determined by your failures, only the successes that come from them, and I’d say by the way that girl in there looks at you that you’ve done something right.”
Fucking hell.
I nod and swallow down my emotions.
“I love you, and I will until I’m no longer here. You are so special, and you deserve the best things life has to give you.” She kisses my cheek, then hugs me. “I’m sorry you’ve had to work so hard to get them when you deserved them all along.”
Over the years, I’ve disappointed her a million times, and I can’t really explain the way my chest warms at her words.
All I want is to prove to her that I can be better than I have been.
Nik’s taking her role as aunt very seriously, so we booked a room for a few nights to be here to help Ash when she comes home. It’s not long before Magnolia’s ready to eat and we’re all shooed out of the room.
Honestly, it’s getting late and we’re both exhausted anyway.
We’ve just settled into bed when she rolls onto her side and looks at me. “Do you think if things were different, we could have had a family of our own one day?”
My heart squeezes. It kills me that she’s so willing to give things up just to be with me. I want to give her everything she wants. But to do that I have to be healthy, and I’m so far from that.
It still feels like I’m climbing up a steep, muddy hill. Every single step feels like it could be the one where I lose my footing and tumble back to the bottom. I want to do it for her, but I’m not sure I can.
“Yeah, maybe. Is that something you’d want?”
“I don’t know.” She exhales and lies back, looking up at the ceiling. “I’ve never really thought about it much, but—” She turns her head and grins. “Magnolia’s pretty cute, so maybe.”
“Well, maybe wait until she’s up all night screaming, or pukes all over you before you decide.”
She rolls back to me smiling. Her hair’s splayed across the pillow, and I run my thumb across her cheek. If love could cure addiction, I’d be clean forever.
I kiss the tip of her nose. “I’ll tell you what, if things stay like they are now, I’ll give you whatever you want. A wedding, all the babies, anything at all.”
Her smile grows as she says, “Deal.”
I want to be the man she deserves, but I’m still just playing dress up with that man’s clothes. I’m not him yet. But I hope one day I will be.
When Ash is finally released on day two, Nik insists on going over to help out.
“Are you sure there’s not something wrong with her? I don’t remember Ash crying so damn much.”
Nik paces the floor with Magnolia in her arms. She sent Ash to take a nap and assured her we could handle it, but I’m starting to think she lied.
“She’s fine. She’s fed, changed, and warm. She probably just wants her mom.”
“Okay? And remind me why we don’t give her to her mom?”
“Because, asshole”—she kicks me in the knee while continuing to bounce—“Ash is exhausted. She needs a break. I can handle this, so shut up.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Here, take her for a second, so I can find her paci.”
She holds the baby out to me.
I throw my hands up. “Oh, no. I’m not taking that thing. She’s demonic.”
“Shane Andrew Michaels, she is not demonic. She’s your niece. Now take her, or I’ll kick your ass,” she scolds, shoving the thing at me.
I reluctantly take her while she continues to wail. Leaning back on the couch, I rest her on my chest.
She instantly settles. I’m not kidding. The kid just shuts right up, blinking slowly a few times before falling fast asleep.
“Huh? Would you look at that? I actually am the one who can handle it,” I say, staring down at her, beside myself that this was the same baby that had just been squalling seconds ago. And I have to admit, she’s the farthest thing from demonic like this.
Nik turns around, puts her hands on her hips, and rolls her eyes at me. “You are the absolute worst.”
“Yeah, well not according to my niece. She thinks I’m the best. Definitely likes me more than you.”
“I’m warning you, motherfucker.” She points a finger at me. “Shut up.”
“Language, Nikole. There are little ears.”
She glares at me.
Then, the front door opens.
“Shane.” My mother appears in the entryway. We’ve managed to coordinate our visits so we didn’t run into her, but apparently our luck’s run out. “I didn’t know you were still in town.”
“Yep,” I say, an unintentional bite in my tone. “We thought Ash might need some extra hands. We’re going home in a few days.”
She sets her things down on the entry table and walks toward me with her arms out.
“Well, I’m home now, so I can take her.”
“That’s okay.” I gaze down at her. “She’s out cold, I don’t mind.”
“Well, I mind,” she snaps. “You smell like cigarettes.”
“Excuse me?” I ask, shooting my attention back to my mother. I haven’t smoked since showering and changing just to make sure the smell didn’t get on her.
“I don’t mean to be mean, Shane. This isn’t about you. I’m just looking out for my granddaughter. You’re not really the kind of person that needs to be watching a baby.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Nik asks, rearing back.
I know what she means, though. I know what kind of person she thinks I am, and in her defense, she’s probably right.
“It’s fine, Nik.” I lean forward and stand carefully to hand Maggie to my mother.
“No, it’s not.”
“Nik!” I hiss, shooting her a look. If she doesn’t want us here, that’s fine. I just wanted to help Ash, but with my mother here, Ash doesn’t need me.
My mom takes Magnolia, and I grab my shit and head out the door with Nik close behind.
As we walk out, Nik looks back and bites, “He’s fucking clean, just so you know.”
The door snaps shut behind us, and I can feel it in my bones the moment I start to lose the battle I’ve been waging for the last two months.
My foot has officially slipped in the mud.