Emery #2
I straightened and took in a deep breath. “Did you know that he’s never been married?” I slowly opened my eyes as I anticipated Abigail’s response. When she didn’t answer right away, I pulled my phone from my cheek to check that we had not been disconnected.
“I’m sorry, what?”
I frowned as I brought my phone back. “Did you know that Noah has never been married before?”
Another pause. “Okay…” she said slowly, enunciating each letter. “That’s a bad thing?”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Of course it’s a bad thing. I’m…” I paused, my heart breaking. “I’m taking that away from him. His first marriage should mean something.”
Silence.
My anxiety began to rise. Why couldn’t she understand what I was saying?
“Emery.” Abigail’s voice was direct and firm. Similar to my own when talking to an emotionally out-of-control Timothy. “Noah’s a grown-ass man. If he wants you to be his first wife, then be his first wife.”
She wasn’t understanding me. “But he deserves—”
“Emery. If he wants you to be his first wife, and he doesn’t care, then be his first wife,” she repeated.
I frowned as her words echoed in my head. I could see where she was coming from. I was just having a very hard time squaring it with my own experience. I knew what it was like to experience everything for the first time with someone I loved. I wanted that for Noah.
“You’re overthinking this.” She sighed. “You both are,” she mumbled under her breath. My frown deepened. What did that mean? But before I could ask a clarifying question, she continued, “Go kiss that man. Hug him. Touch him. Do something with him.”
My mouth dropped open as my heart started to race. I felt like I’d been talking to a brick wall. Had she not heard anything I’d said?
“I know I startled you. I know you’re thinking that I’m crazy. But from where I’m standing, you two are the crazy people.” She paused as if she were expecting me to interject, but my brain was still processing.
She sighed. “Listen, you both have goals with this fake marriage. Don’t forget that. You need help so you can move forward and start living your life. And Noah’s willing to be the guy to help you do that. Don’t overthink this.” She paused. “Promise?”
My head was still spinning, but she made sense. Noah had agreed to this arrangement. And I had a lot of hang-ups that I needed to work through. Even if we didn’t go all the way through to marriage, that didn’t mean he couldn’t help me here and now.
What was so wrong with working through my fears? If I were honest with myself, there was no one I trusted more than Noah. He was quickly becoming the only person on this earth that I felt safe with.
“Emery…I can hear you thinking. Just hang up the phone, go over there, and stop thinking. You’ll feel better.”
My cheeks were on fire. I wasn’t sure I could get on board with the hypothesis that kissing Noah would solve all of my problems, but it might solve one.
And that one seemed to be standing in the way of me building a romantic relationship.
If I could get over my hesitation with physical intimacy, maybe there was a way forward for me that didn’t force Noah into marriage before he was ready.
I just had to suss out if he was okay with kissing me.
“Okay,” I whispered. As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back.
I prided myself in saying what I meant, and I never agreed to something I wasn’t going to do.
With that one word, I’d sealed my fate for the rest of the evening.
I was going to go over to Noah’s room and kiss him whether I was ready or not.
“Really?” Abigail sounded equally surprised and excited. “Good for you.”
“What’s happening?” Bash’s voice piped up in the background.
“Never mind,” Abigail’s voice became muffled like she’d just covered the microphone. A few seconds later, there was a scraping sound as she removed her hand. “Sorry, Bash was being nosy.”
I smiled, thinking about my brother-in-law.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him what we were talking about.”
“I appreciate that.” The last thing I needed was the added stress of worrying about Bash’s opinion if he found out what Abigail had suggested.
“So, are you going to do what I suggested?”
I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.
I wasn’t one hundred percent convinced that Abigail’s plan was going to work, but I was so confused and turned around in my own mind that I was willing to try her suggestion.
It meant that I didn’t have to make the decision on my own.
I was tired of thinking. I was ready to move forward.
“I think so,” I said. I opened my eyes and brought my focus to the comforter as I ran my hand over the soft material. “I can’t promise that I’ll kiss him…” Abigail made a sound like she was going to object, so I hurried to add, “But I will do my best.”
I could feel Abigail’s hesitation.
“I promise,” I added.
“Good.” She paused. “I know it seems weird that I’m pushing this. But, Em, you need to move forward. You said yourself that this is what Carson wanted. It’s time.”
Tears pricked my eyes. It hurt, but she was right. This was what Carson wanted. And, when I was honest with myself, it was what I wanted and what Timothy deserved as well. An Emery Torres who stopped living in the past.
“I know.” My voice was soft and full of emotion. I could tell that Abigail had picked up on how raw I was.
“I’m going to let you go. Love you, Em.”
“Love you, too,” I said as my lips tipped up into a smile. I was grateful that I had Abigail in my life.
We hung up. As soon as my phone went dark, I set it screen-side down on the bed.
I blew out my breath as I stared at it, our conversation racing through my mind.
My body wanted to stay on this side of the wall, where I was safe.
But my mind—full of equal parts curiosity and responsibility to keep my promise—was yelling at me to get off the bed and go over to the door.
So I did. I pushed all my fears out of my head and slipped my feet to the floor before I padded over to the adjoining door. The cold metal of the lock shocked my fingers as I gripped it and turned. The sound of it disengaging echoed in the room, and I paused, wondering if Noah had heard it as well.
I held my breath as I pulled the door open and then stood there, staring at the wood grain of Noah’s door. I reached out, brushing my fingers against its hard surface as I gathered my courage to knock.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
The sound reverberated in my ears, and the vibrations raced through my hand and up my arm. Fear gripped my chest as I stood there fighting the urge to slam the door shut and hide under my covers. I’d made it this far. I was going to see this through to the end.
It felt like an eternity until his door began to move. The world around me shifted into slow motion as he appeared in a white t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. His hair was damp like he’d just gotten out of the shower.
“Emery?” he asked. His eyebrows were knit together as he studied me. Then his gaze slowly drifted down my body, and he shifted his weight as he snapped his gaze back up to meet mine.
It might have been my imagination, but I swear there was a hint of heat in his eyes.
“Everything okay?” He stepped forward slightly to glance behind me.
“Yes,” I whispered. Then I frowned. “Your door wasn’t locked?”
He pushed his hand through his hair as he dropped his gaze to the floor and then brought it back up. “I unlocked it in case you needed something.” He met my gaze with an intensity that took my breath away.
The closeness of his body mixed with the scent of his soap had me in a chokehold. It was as if my agreement with Abigail had a physical effect on my body. Suddenly, all I wanted to do was kiss him. The dam of fear had broken, and now I just wanted to touch him. Feel him. Hold him.
Noah pulled back as his gaze fell to my face. He was studying me, and I could see his concern. He was worried.
“I, um…” I swallowed against the emotions that were stuck in my throat. They were making it hard for me to talk—for me to breathe. “Abigail thinks that we should kiss because I struggle with physical intimacy, and she—I think that kissing you might help me get over those struggles.”
Once the words were out, and I could hear how ridiculous they sounded, I cursed myself for blurting them. What kind of grown woman knocks on a man’s door late at night and word vomits on him?
I needed to redeem myself. I needed to course correct.
Flee.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my eyes wide. I started to turn so I could retreat into my room. “I should go—”
“Emery.” His hand caught my arm, halting my retreat.
My entire body froze as I glanced down at his hand and then back up to his face. There was a darkness—a heat—to his gaze that had my entire body warming. He wasn’t only willing to kiss me, it was like…he wanted to.
“I’ll kiss you,” he said, his voice deep as it rumbled in his chest. “If you think that will help.” He paused. “If you want me to.”
I was so lost. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. All I knew was that I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted a reprieve from the pain I felt every time I breathed. If kissing Noah was the antidote I needed, then, even though it terrified me, I was willing to close my eyes and leap.
I couldn’t find the strength to speak, so I just nodded.