9 Years Ago
9 YEARS AGO
JANE
“Come out and dance,” Grace begs, sloshing her drink over the rim of her red cup. I quickly sidestep the mess, not wanting the bottom of my heels to get even more sticky than they already are.
“I’m fine over here,” I say, taking a sip of my own drink. It’s sour and burns going down, but hey, it’s what we could all get our hands on tonight. Brent’s parents are out of town this weekend, so almost our entire senior class is stuffed into his family's home.
Poor bastard is going to have hell to clean tomorrow.
“You never want to dance,” Grace whines, frowning at me but her eyes are unfocused. We pregamed with the guys before coming here, but clearly, she’s not holding it as well as the rest of us.
I shrug, curving my shoulders in as I lean against a wall in the corner of the room. I like observing at large parties. The smaller ones, the ones my brother usually hosts when our parents are gone for the night or the ones Nikolai has when his parents are fighting too much to pay attention to what’s going on in their basement, those are the ones I like. I still would never dance at them, but I definitely don’t feel like it when my skin is too tight over my body like I do now.
Thankfully, it’s January in Pittsburgh, so I can get away with jeans and an oversized jacket over my tank top. I’m one of the most covered up people here as the air grows stifling with sweaty bodies. But I tuck my jacket tight, taking another sip and waiting for it to help lower some of the insecurities crawling up my throat.
“No one’s stopping you from going out there,” I tell my friend. “Brent’s out there and you’ve been waiting for a time to talk to him. Go start with dancing.”
Grace grabs my hand that is currently white knuckling my jacket shut and tugs on it. “Come with me! C’mon, you told me yourself that I needed to drag you out of your shell more!”
“I most definitely do not recall that.” Yes, I do actually …
“I saw Davis earlier,” she says, smirking and gauging my reaction.
I steel my face into a neutral expression as I take a swig. It’s not that I particularly like Davis all that much. He’s cute enough, and in a lot of the same AP classes as me. We can have a good debate with each other and both will be attending Ivy Leagues this fall.
It’s more like he seems he could be a potential option to help me take care of something that I don’t want to carry with me to college.
“You need to talk to him by the end of the night,” Grace states, throwing back the last of her drink. “I’m not letting you leave until you do. You told me you don’t want to go to college a virgin, and I’m making it my mission alongside you to get you deflowered.”
I slap a hand over her mouth. “Will you keep it down?” My cheeks are flaming as she nearly shouted the end of her little speech. Thank god the music is pumping through here or else…
“What’s this about deflowering?” A heavy arm comes around my shoulder, along with a familiar scent of sea breeze that I know all too well.
“We’re trying to find Jane a guy,” Grace says proudly, not catching the daggers I’m currently shooting her way.
“Are we now?” Nikolai smiles, looking down at me. His mouth tilts up in that lazy, effortless way of his and I catch myself staring at his lips for longer than socially acceptable for friends. I tear my eyes away and meet his gaze, but that’s just as distracting. Those damn baby blue eyes of his scan my face with such easy confidence that it makes me want to match it with my own.
“No, we’re not,” I state, slouching underneath his weight. Judging by the flushed state of his cheeks and slight swaying, he’s well on his way to getting drunk.
“You on the prowl tonight, LJ?” Nikolai teases, and I scoff, shrugging off his arm.
“I leave that to you and your sidekick,” I retort. “Where is Reid by the way?”
Nikolai shrugs, taking a sip of his vodka. A drop clings to his lips and he licks it away. He never drinks the liquor at these things. Always brings his own vodka from his mother’s stash that she brings back every time she flies back to Moscow to visit her family.
“I saw him go upstairs with Cassidy a little bit ago,” Grace says.
I cringe while Nikolai chuckles softly.
“Of course he did,” I say.
Grace’s eyes light up as she grabs my shoulder in a surprisingly strong grip. “Hey, maybe that’s who you should have help you out!” She says it like it’s the most brilliant idea ever.
“Reid? Are you serious?” I deadpan.
“Why not?”
“Cause he’s Reid? Nikolai, help me out here.”
Nikolai takes a long sip and grimaces as the liquor works down his throat. “He’s a little tied up tonight.”
“It doesn't have to be tonight.” Grace sighs, exasperated with the two of us.
“Not any night,” I state, crossing my arms.
I could never consider Reid like that.
He sleeps with anything in a skirt or tight pair of jeans. No girl has ever managed to lock him down, and out of all of the guys, he’s the only one who’s never been hung up on a girl. He’s practically a locked vault when it comes to expressing any emotions. Especially with girls. A lot of them see him as a challenge, but all end with the same result of a single night with him and him moving onto the next.
I couldn’t consider it…could I?
I don’t want a relationship. Not with graduating in five months and heading off to Boston in the fall. I just don’t want to go to college with zero experience under my belt. I’ve only ever kissed one boy before and that was sophomore year.
I want college to be different for me. I’m going to make it different for me.
Sure, Walker and I have a no-dating-friends rule, but the thought of anything past a hook-up with Reid is purely laughable. He and I get along fairly well because we’re both blunt and see through the fakeness that seems to have grown like a cloud around the guys as they’ve gotten more attention.
But like the rest of the guys, I can’t actually picture him ever being interested in me like that.
“You’re considering it, aren’t you?” Grace jabs my shoulder, and I shrug her off.
“I am not,” I say, muffling my weak lie in the dregs of my cup.
Mischief cloaks her features. I need to get myself out of this situation right now. And I find the perfect out in the crowded dance floor.
“Is someone else approaching Brent right now?” I ask, pointing across the room.
“Where?” Grace spins her head around so fast, her hair whacks me in the face. I don’t even have time to scold her for it before she’s scampering away and entering the crowded blob of people dancing in the middle of the living room.
I breathe a sigh of relief and lean back against the wall once more.
“You don’t want to go out there?” Nikolai asks, planting a shoulder next to my own.
I shoot him a look.
“You’re right,” he laughs. “I should know better than that.”
“I’m surprised you aren’t dancing. Or already off with someone else tonight.”
“Reid beat me to it.”
“You like Cassidy too?”
He shakes his head. “God, no. We were just trying to see who could pick her up first tonight. Gotta keep these things exciting.”
“You’re pigs,” I scoff. But as I watch Nikolai scan the room, I see a pang of emptiness as he takes in his surroundings. But in a blink, it’s gone, replaced by the usual charisma and charm he works the room with.
People walk by and clap his shoulder, offering to get him another drink, but he waves them off with a smile. Everyone loves him. The moment he walks into parties on the weekend, cheers erupt and a natural path is paved for him through the crowd.
My brother, Hayden, and Reid are all a part of that, too. Walker and Nikolai eat it up the most though. They live for the attention and notoriety their band is starting to give them as they’ve been playing more and more shows not just around the city, but also in the state.
By proxy, some of that attention has rubbed off on me since I always go where they go.
And I don’t like it.
I don’t like the whispers of who that girl is with them. I don’t like the snarky remarks about my body and how I got in with them, when they don’t know that these guys are all my best friends, nothing more.
And I especially hate the way that certain parts of my body have changed over the last year and the way that now it’s all boys seem to stare at. They may be put off by the rest of my body, but my newfound chest that even sports bras can’t contain…that they love.
“Aren’t you warm in that?” Nikolai asks, fingering the hem of my jacket. His own white T-shirt clings to his slim chest with a light sheen. A lock of hair falls in front of his eyes that he pushes back, running his fingers through the almost shoulder-length strands.
“You need a haircut.”
He doesn’t. The length allows for his waves to fall in that picture-perfect way.
He smirks, knowing I’m trying to deflect. “C’mon, LJ, don’t hide yourself away from the world.”
I straighten my spine, pushing my nose in the air. “I don’t hide.” The lie tastes bitter and I hate it. I hate that I’ve lost the confidence I carried as a child when self-consciousness seeped into my veins.
“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. You’re hiding. You’ve been doing that more lately.”
“And you’re not?”
“Hiding?”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“You are.” He uses his smile like I use my jacket.
He smirks, looking around the room. “Just know, you can never hide from me, Jane.”
“Whatever. Go off and be with your friends.” I wave toward the entirety of the room.
“But I’d rather talk to my best friend,” he says, throwing an arm back around my shoulder and pulling me into his side. His body is warm, his heat radiating through the layers of clothes between us. In a room full of people, he makes me feel like I’m the only one that matters.
“I thought Reid is your best friend. Or Hayden or Walker.”
“Fine. My girl best friend.”
I roll my eyes but sink into his side, enjoying the comfort and security blanket his presence brings me at these things.
“And as your best friend,” he says, tilting his head to look at me. His eyes are soft, with a warm glow in them as he scans my face. “I could help you out with your problem.”
I choke on my drink, sputtering as he claps my back.
He—What? He’s not seriously offering what I think he’s offering. I have to be more drunk than I thought.
“Y-you w-what?”