40. Jane
40
JANE
I need to talk to Walker.
I need to talk to Nikolai.
But first, I need to call my parents. I have to warn them not to look online. The idea of them opening up their phones to the image of their daughter pinned against a brick wall with her head thrown back in bliss…
Bile works its way up my throat and I choke it down. The tires squeal as I peel up the driveway and into the garage. I make my way inside and pace the length of the kitchen while I call my mom.
She answers in the first couple of rings.
“Hey sweetie,” she answers, and those two simple words and the familiarity of her voice unlock the tears I’ve been holding at bay. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?”
So that answers my question of if they’ve seen the photos.
“Please don’t get online,” I beg. “Is Dad there? Tell him, too. Please.”
I hear shuffling in the background and when Mom speaks next, her voice sounds slightly more distanced. She must've put me on speaker. “Janie, sweetheart, calm down. Breathe for me.”
“What’s going on?” Dad’s voice chimes in, growing stronger as he gets closer to the phone. “Jane, are you okay?”
“No,” I cry, and it takes a few minutes until I calm down enough to explain it to them. So much embarrassment and shame courses through me as I’m forced to tell my parents that there are photos of their daughter online, some close to naked, with their son’s best friend.
They sit silently as I blubber my way through the explanation. “I promise I didn’t know someone was taking photos.”
“Honey, we know,” Dad cuts in. “Who the hell does something like this? What organization would publish them? I’m going to find?—”
“Don’t! Please,” I beg. “I don’t want you to see them. Please just…let it go.”
“Jane, you can’t expect us to just let this slide. Someone should have to answer for this.” There’s that protector side of my dad that Walker inherited. He sees injustice and wants to right the wrong. Especially since it’s his little girl.
“I need to talk to Nikolai and his team. I don’t know what this means for him.”
It’s my mom’s turn to cut in. “He better not have had any part in this.”
“He’d never. You know him.” Nikolai is like a son to them. “Not only would he not do this to me, but this also looks bad for him. He’s supposed to be dating another singer.”
“Is he?” The tone of Dad’s voice sends a chill over my skin.
“Absolutely not. It’s been for promo.”
“Hmm.” I can tell he’s not impressed, but he loves Nikolai. Once he has the chance to hear it from him, especially not fresh off the information that photos of him with his daughter are circling, he’ll understand. “We’ll discuss that more later.”
But at the thought of Kerra, a prickle of suspicion nips at the back of my neck. Nikolai said she accepted his decision easily when he broke it off after the show. But it doesn’t make sense. She was so hungry to cling to his image, to use the idea of their relationship to get herself back in good graces.
Could she be behind the leak?
But then again, how did she get the photos? Was she having Nikolai followed?
“I’m sorry,” I tell them. “This isn’t how I wanted you guys to find out about us. Or ever see me in a position like this at all. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
“What?” Mom cries out. “We’d never be disappointed in you. It’s not like this was your doing.”
“I know, but I’m supposed to be your responsible child.” I laugh through my tears. “James is the one who is supposed to be on tabloids getting felt up.”
My mom laughs with me while my dad exhales. “Oh, there’s been plenty of that over the years,” she says. “But you’re still our responsible child. You always have been. You have a good head on your shoulders. We’d never be angry with you, sweetie.”
I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that from them.
“You are not to blame for this.” Dad’s tone brokers no arguments. “This is not your fault. Do you understand?”
I nod but then realize he can’t see me. “Yes, I understand.”
“Good.”
“Does your brother know?” Mom asks. I know she’s asking about me and Nikolai and not the photos.
“No.”
After a pause, Dad says, “You need to talk to him. Before he finds out the same way you did. That’s not fair to him.”
“I know, I know. I will as soon as we hang up…” I trail off as Nikolai walks in the door with a bloody cut on his lower lip. His face tells me everything I need to know.
“I have to go,” I tell my parents. “Thank you both for being understanding about this.”
“We love you,” Mom says. “Let us know when you see your brother. I would hate to see you two fight.”
Oh, if only she could see Nikolai’s face right now.
“Love you, too.” I hang up and let out a harsh breath as he approaches gingerly. “Did Walker do that?”
“Yeah,” he says sadly.
“He knows?”
“Yeah.”
Nikolai grabs my hips and pulls me against him. I tentatively touch the cut at his lip and he flinches.
“I need to talk to him.”
“Give him a little bit of space.” I open my mouth to argue but he continues, “Trust me, Jane, he’s not in the place to listen right now.”
I look at my phone, expecting to see him blowing it up, but it’s silent. “We should’ve told him sooner.”
“We should’ve, but we can’t change it now.”
“You need to talk to Arun. Get a game plan.”
He rolls his neck. “I know. I can’t even imagine the shit storm that is going down right now.”
I start to pull back. “You should?—”
“I should hold my girlfriend,” he says, locking his arms behind my back. “And our game plan can wait. Right now, I want to know how you are.” His eyes search my face and I can’t hide all of the insecurities I’ve felt creeping up ever since I saw the state of myself in those photos.
“What are people going to say about me?” I whisper. I can already picture the comment section.
Why is he with her?
How did she score him?
He could do so much better.
“Shhh,” he soothes me. “It doesn’t matter what they say.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“I know it is, but it hasn’t always been. I’ve had to develop a thick skin over the years, and I know you have one yourself. Just tune it out. Don’t pay attention to it.”
I rest my forehead against his chest. “Much easier said than done.”
He strokes my hair and back and I lean into the comforting touch. In the chaos, he’s my safe place.
And that night when he holds me close in bed, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, I vow to myself that I’m not going to listen to what anyone else might have to say about me or my body.
Not when I’m lucky enough to be loved by him.