Chapter 31
What in the world is Ylvin doing? I’ve been waiting forever. I woke alone in the tent. Ari was gone, probably so offended by our argument last night that he ran off crying. Tough shit. The prick. Good riddance.
My cauldron of patience and tolerance is boiling over, its wicked juices spilling out the sides. A mighty mess. I’m so done with this shit. Where the fuck is Ylvin?
I open the flap to her tent and stick my head in.
“Ylvin?” my voice is sweet as honey. I’m not going to piss off Ylvin, even if waiting for her has fouled my mood. I’m angry, not suicidal. I’m just not that fucking crazy.
The space is lit by the firepit. A tiny flame sends long flickering shadows. Talismans become large moving monsters on the roof, the mess on the table becomes a—
“There you are,” says Ylvin, startling me. “I’ve been waiting forever.”
She’s lying in her bed, covered by a large white fur. No surprise there. Elof is nowhere to be seen. It takes a second for my brain to make sense of what she said. She’s been waiting forever? I was waiting. Forever.
“I was waiting for you outside,” I chime.
“You can’t wait for life to happen. The world doesn’t come to you.”
“Sorry, I just—”
“Don’t be sorry. This is your first lesson today. You stuck your head into my lavvu—you did better than I thought you would.”
This woman. I’m left speechless. She runs a hand through her hair, shaking away the flatness of lying in bed until midday. The fat white cat makes a loud complaint at the disturbance as Ylvin stretches.
“Finally,” she says. “We can start.”
Finally indeed. She stands, naked of course, like she’s challenging my sensibilities. Daring me to look away. To fail her test. I keep my eyes on her. Her nudity will no longer control my actions. If she thinks she can rule my life just by—
“Aha!” She turns to me, one hand on her hip, unbothered that her breasts and bush are out in the open. “At last, you accept the presence of a naked woman around you. We are making progress.”
I snort, because it’s ridiculous, yes, but I’m also relieved—Ylvin thinks I’m making progress. This woman is impressive and powerful and annoying as fuck. All in one. She continues.
“Maybe one day you will dare be bare-chested around your sisters too. Let me ask you a question.” She moves around the tent, naked, like it’s normal. “Why are you looking at my body today?”
I think for a second. She gives me the time to formulate, to my surprise.
“I… I don’t mind anymore. I’m used to it.”
“Go on, be honest.”
“What do you mean?”
“Freya’s ass, Kilda. Just tell the truth. Is it that hard?”
Ylvin’s ass, more like.
“Fine, I don’t want you to control where I put my eyes simply by strolling around naked. It’s not… fair.”
“Perfect!” she shouts, pointing eagerly at me so her breasts jiggle. “That’s what I want to hear! Power! The constant game! Never fold!”
I grin, proud to finally stand for myself. She goes on.
“But also, fair? Really? You’re a slave girl for stealing some stupid man’s shit and you still think the world is fair?”
I gape at her words as she smiles.
“Quite naive, my dear.”
“You… You’re right,” I say. “The world isn’t fair.”
Ylvin is right, of course. I am a slave for as long as Sigurd wants to own me.
My children, if I am allowed to have them, will be slaves.
And then their kids too. If I am not allowed children and get with child, it can be taken from me.
Sigurd can deny me sleep. He can deny me food.
He can deny me taking a shit until I shit myself.
He can use my body anytime he pleases for anything he pleases. All that for a fucking knife.
Don’t even get me started on my mother dying young and my father being a gambling drunk. Life isn’t fair. Accept it. Deal with it. Do the best you can.
Ylvin’s hand lands on my shoulder, shocking me out of my reflections.
“I see you thinking, little girl.” She grins as she touches my forehead with her other hand. I push her arm away with a laugh.
“You got me to think, I admit,” I say.
“You might just be ready to start your training.”
“I thought we had begun?”
“We’ve begun cracking your shell, darling. You haven’t touched Seidr yet.”
“Can we start? Please?”
She takes slow steps toward her colossal stack of furs.
“You tried enchanting with Groa? Yes?”
“Yes.”
“Did you feel anything?”
“No.”
She bends over. Her womanhood shines in my direction.
Every instinct in my body tells me to avert my gaze.
I don’t think that instinct is bad. It’s respectful and decent.
Important qualities. But I am here to break these boundaries, to become a Volva.
I keep my eyes on her like I’m staring into the void.
I’ve never really seen a woman from this angle.
I wonder how I would look from behind. It’s quite beautiful, really. A flower. A holy flower.
Ylvin turns suddenly, her eyes shining mischievously.
“Are you staring right at my slit?”
I break in an instant, laughing nervously.
“What, no, I thought—”
She howls in laughter, her breasts bouncing with each release. The furs cover her shoulders. A woman, a wolf.
“I’m fucking with you, Kilda.”
“I should have guessed.”
“Maybe.” She shrugs, like it could have gone both ways. “So, with Groa, you tried enchanting bone, I presume?”
“Correct.”
“Catch.”
A white object flies my way. My body reacts before my mind can, catching it firmly with one hand. A grin spreads on my face. Thank Odin I didn’t miss it.
“This, I like,” says Ylvin simply. “Go on then, do like you did at Groa’s.”
What does she mean? I told her I hadn’t felt anything. But I will not ask questions. I will not doubt my judgment. I know what Ylvin wants me to do. Try like I did at Groa’s.
“Okay,” I whisper to myself before closing my eyes.
I imagine Freya. I imagine her hair, her cats, her feminine shape. I imagi—
“Aren’t you going to pray to Freya or Odin?” asks Ylvin.
I grin at her. We share a playful look.
“I’m sure you would call me a dumb shit if I did.”
She grins back.
“Quite right.” She sits on the table, her long legs stretching out of her fur. “But if it works for you, I mean, I’m not the one to judge. But Freya and Odin bless the true, whether they pray or not.”
“I understand. It’s not about reciting to the gods because it’s necessary. It’s about finding a method or ritual that allows me to channel energy.”
“Love it. You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a simple girl, but you have many layers. You’re quite sharp.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” I say.
“Please do.”
“When I first met you—” I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’m actually going mad. “I thought you were just a sex-crazed madwoman. Now I see you are wise.”
She laughs, shaking her hair and pursing her lips at me.
“I’m both of those, darling. One doesn’t deny the other.”
I laugh with her. We’re getting along. At last. She turns serious faster than I could snap my fingers.
“Do the enchantment, girl,” she growls.
“Can I ask you something first?”
A look of surprise crosses Ylvin’s face. She had expected me to obey her order, and I will. But I have been wondering something since yesterday.
“Of course, darling.”
“Yesterday, when I returned. How did you know I was there?”
Her smile grows slowly, baring her teeth. I notice they are even sharper than I thought—sharper than any I have seen before. She just smiles at me, so I continue.
“I was behind the lavvu. I know you couldn’t see me, so how did—”
“I felt you.” She stands, stretching her arms before tucking the fur around her and collapsing on the bed. “I am a Volva. We can feel energies. You will too, or you probably do already without noticing. You were very emotional, hiding behind the lavvu. I felt you.”
“What? But… Can all Volvas feel each other?”
“Oh, gods no, that would be horrible. You will learn to mask it. I mask it most of the time. Sometimes I allow it to show. Now, Kilda, try the fucking enchantment.”
I nod. Focus returns. I find my inner calm, my inner peace. My mind is emptied. A serene pool. Yggdrasil grows there. It’s like I feel a vibration in my hands. I release. Nothing. Fuck.
I don’t know how long it’s been. It’s probably the thirtieth time I try to enchant this piece of bone Ylvin threw at me. I place yet another log on the fire, preferring to work in an orange glow rather than total darkness. Let’s try again.
The gods in Asgard, granting me power. I am a channel for them. Let me be the tool they use to achieve their goals. Allow me to—
“For fuck’s sake, Kilda,” shouts Ylvin. “So boring.”
She raises herself from her bed. For a brief second, my brain reacts to her naked form, but I quickly discard the feeling. I thought she had been sleeping, using the silence of my enchanting to rest. As if she needed it.
My teacher grabs a little pot, quickly tossing some herbs, mushrooms, and flowers into it. She slaps it on the embers before pouring in water from a bucket.
“What are you doing?” she asks as she sprinkles a pinch of salt into her potion.
“I’m trying to encha—”
“What is your process?”
“Oh, uh, I find my center, ask the gods for power… I don’t know.”
I toss my hands in the air. It’s hard to mask my frustration. Regret overwhelms me as I realize I’ve complained with the tone of a sulking child. Ylvin laughs, not in pleasure, but mockery.
“Find your center.” She shakes her head. “Start by finding your own asshole.”
My cheeks heat up as I lower my gaze.
“Why are you looking down, girl?” Ylvin says as she puts on her blue robe.
“I don’t wish to anger you, Ylvin. I’ve already learned so much.”
“I’m happy you feel that way, but you’ve only learned to crack your own shell, to peek through the bushes of your own social restriction, so to speak.”
Peek through the bushes? Is she fucking with me? Has Ari told her? He promised, he swore on his grave and honor. The bastard.
“Are… Are you sure I have it in me? To be a Volva?”
“Silly child. I told you, I see it in you. I’ve felt it.”