Chapter thirteen
TAVRIC
“Tell me why you’re mad at Kavian,” Dorian said as he invaded my corner of the library and took the other chair by the fire.
I scoffed and set my book aside. “Has he been tattling on me?”
His brow furrowed in confusion and concern. “Now I’m really worried. What’s gotten into you?”
I scrubbed my hands through my hair. I’d been avoiding Kavian, horrified and embarrassed by his treatment of Lyri. “He was unpardonably rude to my friend and guest,” I explained.
Dorian sat up and fixed his dark gaze on me. He was the closest to my age but looked the least like me. His hair was almost as golden as Lyri’s. “Don’t you think he might have a point?”
“No,” I said with careful control.
“Our father is dying and you’re playing pretend with a sea sprite.”
“Now you’re insulting Lyri?”
“You’ve no idea who this girl is or where she came from.”
“I don’t care where she came from, I care about her.”
He spread his arms wide, as if I’d just made his point for him. “How much of your time have you wasted with this girl?”
I tensed at the accusation in his tone. With the onslaught of further responsibilities brought on by the council’s concern over my father’s health, I’d wanted to spend all my free time with Lyri.
The way she moved through the world, unburdened by expectation or ambition, allowed me to breathe when I was around her.
My brothers used to provide that same escape from society, but I certainly didn’t feel that way lately.
“It’s not a waste of time. What I do in the small amount of time that I’m not serving our kingdom is not your concern,” I said in a carefully controlled tone.
I didn’t want to snap at my brother, but he was testing my patience.
“Of course it’s my concern, because I care about Father and this kingdom just as much as you do, and I know you have more important things to do right now. Have you forgotten who will be at our door in three days?”
“Oh, I remember. Do you remember whose fault that is?”
His jaw clenched. “I’m fairly certain you wouldn’t see it as a problem if that girl weren’t here.”
“Stop blaming her.”
“I’m not blaming her, I’m blaming you. Kavian says you’ve done nothing but waste time with her in the three days he’s been home.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that was nothing new.
If you refuse to find a queen for yourself, that’s fine, but there is work to be done.
” He pointed a finger at me as if he somehow knew more about what had been happening within these walls than I did.
“There is a kingdom to be run, and Father can’t do it.
Kavian and I can step in once in a while, but everyone is looking to you. We need you here.”
“I am here,” I bellowed, insulted and hurt that he would insinuate that I wasn’t doing enough.
“I’ve been in all the meetings, I’ve resolved all the disputes as best I can.
Even though every clamoring, chaotic meeting makes my head pound and my palms sweat, I’m there, doing it.
I answer every summons and give the council all the attention they ask for.
Will you really insist on taking away the few hours of calm that I’ve tried to claim for myself each day? ”
His expression dripped with impatience. “Her presence is not good for the kingdom, Tav. You need to send her home.”
I scoffed. “You have no idea what you’re asking.
You have no idea the reasons she had for fleeing from her home in the first place.
I won’t send her back to be used up and spit out by those who call themselves her family.
” Even if I could, I wouldn’t. “I can’t just send her on her way.
She knows precious little about the world, and I’m terrified she’ll be swallowed up in it,” I admitted, pressing my thumb and finger into the corners of my eyes.
Several moments passed in silence before he asked, “Are you trying to save her or control her?”
I breathed carefully through my nose before lifting my head to look up at him. “You think I want to control her?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Do you?”
“No,” I bit out. “I want to protect her.”
He studied me for long enough that I got annoyed before he finally spoke. “That’s a noble thing, but the space between protection and control is narrow indeed.”
His words sliced at me. Accusing but not. A reprimand, but only because I wondered if he might have been right.
I hate that he might be right.
I shook my head. “Just because I’m not kicking her out doesn’t mean I’m controlling her. She makes her own decisions.”
He shook his head. “I’m betting it wasn’t her idea to stay here so long, suffering the whispers and judgements of staff and nobility alike.
Are you keeping her as a pet? Because unless you plan to marry her tomorrow, then all you’re doing is toying with her heart while you neglect your responsibilities. ”
“I’m trying, Dorian.” I pounded a fist to my chest, desperate for him to understand.
“I know it comes easily for you. You light up around people. Charming them seems to be a fun challenge for you. You can run off to a different kingdom and charm a princess and you love it. But me?” I pressed my palm into my heart. “I hate it.”
He let out a short sigh. “It can’t be that bad.”
I swept the stack of books and papers from the little table that sat by my chair, flinging them to the floor.
“It is that bad!” I was so tired of trying to explain it, of trying to make my family understand.
I wasn’t being stubborn. I never wanted to be rude, but when I was around so many people for so long, it was that bad.
“And not just because of the people who are demanding and petty, but because everything inside of me shrivels when I’m around so many people.
I just want the noise to stop. I want the talking and moving to stop.
But I stay, and I do what I can, and I don’t know if I have any more to give.
I’m slated to be king one day. I can’t change that, and I desperately want to be the ruler that this kingdom deserves, but… ”
Dorian looked stunned, his eyes taking in the sight of the scattered papers and then turning to look at me with my contorted face and heaving chest. It looked like he wanted to argue, but after several more moments of staring at me as I stood, broken in front of him, he finally said, “I didn’t realize. ”
The knot in my chest released just a little, and I blew out a breath.
“You want me to get rid of her. You think she’s a distraction.
Well, here’s the truth about Lyri: She’s the only thing keeping me sane right now,” I confessed.
“The only reason I’ve been able to function is because I have her.
” My chest started to feel tight at the mere suggestion that she leave.
“She lets me breathe. She grounds me, and I need that. I need her. I need her to keep me calm. I need… I need—”
As my own words reverberated back at me, I felt suddenly ill. I stood frozen, shocked by the truth that washed over me. For several painful moments, I didn’t breathe, and then I put a palm over my mouth and stepped back, disgusted with myself.
Dorian opened his mouth to argue with me, but I cut him off with a slice of my hand. “You’re right. You’re right. I have no right to keep her here with me. That stops now.”
I pushed past him.
“Tav, wait,” he called out, but I didn’t listen.
I swept from the room, my heart pounding as my mind screamed at me, berating myself for being so selfish.
I needed to send her away, but not because she was a distraction.
No, not at all. Because, somewhere along the way, I’d become just as selfish as her aunt.
I’d started using her, not for healing my body, but for healing my soul, and if I kept her around, then Dorian would be right.
I’d be keeping her as a pet. I’d be a master who used her for her ability to calm and soothe me.
And what would I be giving her in return?
A pat on the head and a smile to say thank you?
I might not be locking her in a tower, but a gilded cage with the lure of adventure was still a cage.
LYRIELLE
Tavric’s days had continued to be full and hectic since Prince Kavian’s return, but he always found me in the evening.
We would sit on the shore and watch the sunset, or we’d ride out in the countryside.
I could have ridden my own horse, but he only ever had one horse saddled so I could ride behind him.
Despite the inherent discomfort of riding two to a horse, I found that I preferred it.
I’d spent so much of my life with only my aunt’s presence, and having the chance to be close, both physically and emotionally, to another person was almost overwhelming, but in the best way.
I wanted to be close so I could share in his energy and soak in his essence, similar to the way I craved soil and grass and earth.
I’d convinced him to take me to visit with his father one more time, and though my heart nearly pounded out of my chest, I managed a little more healing, but his condition was severe enough that it frightened me.
I went the next day to see if perhaps I could sit by his bedside, but the guards looked at me with suspicion and turned me away.
Today seemed even busier for Tavric, as it was a formal audience day.
The grand hall was filled with nobles, foreign dignitaries, and even a few commoners who had come to present their petitions.
I was there only to watch, along with many others.
The maid who’d been asked to help me had presented me with a new gown that was fancier and more complicated than my usual frocks, but she said if I was going to attend, I would want to look my best. Amilee explained further that formal audiences were a chance for nobility to see and be seen.
Everyone would be sizing up those in attendance and vying for Prince Tavric’s favor since the king was too ill.