Chapter 19
Nathan
The fucking rumour mill is alive with talk about Nicki, me and Kate. The mums in the playground are talking about us and Nicki arriving on the scene - they're careful to quieten when they see me coming, but I've heard enough. Well, true to form, she’s certainly giving them something to talk about.
It’s taken her less than a month to get back to her wild ways.
Her earth mother routine didn’t last long.
In the last two weeks, she hasn’t picked Lucia up from school once - it’s either been mum or me, sometimes I've had to rearrange jobs that I've got booked in to do the school run, which is making me seem fucking unprofessional at work. I can’t rely on her to do it. She doesn’t work and can’t fucking be on time to pick up our daughter.
.. her daughter. She’s said she’ll do it for once tonight. She should be home with her now.
I hate doing the school run now because Kate is there. Then again, I love doing the school run now because Kate is there. It hurts and makes me happy in equal amounts. The scale is probably tipped a little more on the hurting side.
She sees me watching her, but she purposely doesn’t look over.
I can tell from her body language that she can sense me watching.
She gets awkward and nervous. Sometimes, Jess comes over and talks to me and Lucia when she sees us walking to school, but Kate always hangs back – I don’t push it.
I'm glad when Jess comes over; I miss the kid. She’s funny - I got attached.
I liked the idea of us being one big happy family too much.
Fucked that up good and proper, didn’t I?
I need to get my head out of my arse and get this situation sorted - and I need to do it sooner rather than later.
I can’t be with Nicki. I was an absolute idiot to entertain the idea.
When she touches my arm or something when she’s talking, I can’t bear it - can’t bear her touch - I don’t want her anywhere near me.
I shiver when I remember the last time I went out.
She tried to take advantage of my drunken state and slid into my bed, trying to arouse me.
As soon as I knew what she was doing, I jumped out of bed - no amount of alcohol is going to change my mind about the way I feel about her now . . . besides, I belong to someone else.
When I took Nicki back, I did it for Lucia. I thought I was doing the right thing - I put Lucia in front of my own feelings because that's what parents do, or decent parents, anyway. . . Nicki will never fit into that category.
I see Lucia’s face when she doesn’t know I'm watching – she’s sad.
She tries to get her mum's attention constantly, but Nicki can never be bothered to give her any time or attention. It fucking kills me to watch. Lucia misses Kate like crazy; she's bound to. They got on well. In that short time together, she showed Lucia what it would be like to have a loving mother, and a happy family, and she’s not forgotten it - she can’t - because I can’t forget it either.
I'm on my way home, and I've decided that enough is enough. I don’t know if I've blown it with Kate.
I'm pretty sure I have, but there’s no way I'm giving up.
I've tasted the good life and I ain't giving it up for nothing. I fucked up - I have to make it right. Sounds simple, but I know it’s going to be a hell of a lot harder than that.
I thought I was doing the right thing – giving Lucia a mother when she already had one a damn site better.
I need to talk to Nicki - tell her to get the fuck out of our lives. She's no good for us. She isn’t making Lucia happy as I wanted, she's making her wear that sad expression on her face, and I'm not having it for another day longer.
I need Lucia out of the way for an hour. I don’t want her around when I'm talking to Nicki. I check the time, it’s nearly six. I pick up my phone and send a text to Kate. I might not be her favourite person, but I know if Lucia needs her, she’ll be there for her.
Kate, I know you hate me, but I need a favour. Any chance that you can call for Lucia for a couple of hours? I need to do something, and I don't want Lucia to be around.
I get one back almost immediately.
Fuck off. You have needs – you can find someone else to babysit while you satisfy them. That request was the lowest of the low.
Oh shit. I read my message back – she can’t honestly believe I’d ask her to babysit for me, while I shag someone else?
Obviously, she does think I’d do that. Jesus, she has a low opinion of me – I'm going to have my work cut out if I want to get things back to the way they were. I’ll eventually be able to convince her that nothing has happened between Nicki and me.
I'm not afraid of a bit of hard work anyway.
I text her back
Babe, seriously, you don’t honestly think I would text you for that? This is serious, and I need your help. Please?
After five minutes, I get a reply.
OK, I’ll come and pick her up. Have her ready, though, can’t stomach another face-off with your bitch from hell.
What is she talking about? Another face-off? Anger boils inside me – has that bitch been giving Kate grief? That’s it, she's fucked with us for the last time.
Thanks. I'm nearly home, I’ll have her ready in five minutes.
I pull into the drive. Before I get out of the car, Lucia opens the front door, and I can tell straight away that something’s wrong.
“Luce? What’s up, sweetheart?”
She runs to me and throws her arms around my legs to hug me . . . she's gripping me tight… fuck, she's scared. I stoop to comfort her.
“Daddy, I don’t like being on my own . . . it’s scary. Please don’t let mummy leave me on my own again.”
I freeze solid. “What?” I ask in a whisper.
“Mummy’s gone out, she said I was big enough, but I don’t want to be big enough – please don’t leave me on my own again.”
Anger washes over me that I didn’t realise I was capable of.
“Where did she go, Lucia?” I ask her, trying to remain calm so that I don’t scare her.
“She didn’t say just that she’d be back in five minutes. But five minutes feels like a long time – I've watched most of The Little Mermaid – is that five minutes, daddy?”
Deep breaths, I need to take big fucking deep breaths – I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Her.
There are footsteps behind me, and I turn around. It’s Kate. She stops in her tracks when she sees me, her eyes wide.
“Hey.” She says to Lucia, she notices that she’s upset, “You ok, sweetie?” Lucia goes running to Kate.
“I was scared, mummy’s gone to the shop and I tried to be brave, but I was scared, mummy said I was a big girl, but I don’t want to be a big girl yet.”
Kate eyes me in disbelief. “Please tell me that she hasn’t left her alone.”
I nod curtly. I'm shaking with anger.
Kate smiles at Lucia, “You want to come and play with me and Jess for a while? Daddy needs to talk to Mummy, I think. Jess and I are baking – you wanna come and bake something for daddy?”
She nods, sniffing, “Yes . . . I would love that Kate . . . I love it at your house.”
Kate closes her eyes slowly as though what Luce has said has hurt her. She opens them, and her eyes meet mine. “Are you going to be OK if I take her?”
I frown. What the hell does she mean by that?
She bends and says to Jess and Lucia, “You two go inside and get Lucia’s coat and get her pyjamas too – she can get ready for bed at our house.” She waits for them to go inside and comes to stand in front of me, placing her hand on my chest.
“You’re close to losing it.”
“You fucking blame me?” I snap back.
She shakes her head, “No… no, I don’t, but I don’t want you doing anything you’re going to regret. You need to calm down now, or when you find her, you’re going to kill her.”
I stare at her for a minute and nod. “You’re right. I’ll keep it together, for Lucia’s sake - but this shit stops right now.”
Kate nods as the children return.
“Come and get her when you’re done in a couple of hours or so, yeah?”
I nod. “It won’t take a couple of hours. Once I find her, I’ll be done in five minutes.”
I say goodbye to Lucia, and once I'm happy she’s okay, which she is because she gets to go and do baking with Kate, whom she loves. I watch them leave.
***
I dial Nicki’s number. When she answers, all I say is “Home. Now.” and hang up.
I go inside, get a suitcase, and pack her crap.
I'm halfway through the job when the front door slams, and she comes running upstairs and into the room.
“What the hell are you doing?” she asks when she sees I'm putting her clothes in a suitcase.
“You’re leaving.” I don’t turn around. I carry on with what I'm doing, trying to keep a check on my anger.
“Where’s Lucia?” she asks.
That does it. That really fucking does it. I pick up a pair of shoes that I'm holding and launch them against the wall, hitting a lamp on the way down, which breaks into pieces on the carpet. I turn to her, and she flinches at the look on my face.
“Where is Lucia? Where is Lucia? Like you give a fuck. You left her. You left her on her own – she’s four years old. You don’t give a crap about her, you never have, and you never will. How can you leave a four-year-old in the house on her own?”
She bites her lip and laughs nervously. “Oh come on, Nathan, I was gone half an hour tops – she was watching a film, she was fine.”
“You are not fit to be a mother, we were a hell of a lot happier before you came back on the scene, so this is it, I'm giving you your freedom – we don’t want you, and we sure as hell don’t need you here - go and do what the hell you want to do, but go and do it on your own.
Her face distorts, making her uglier than I've ever seen her. “This is because of her,” She spits out, “if you hadn’t met her, you’d have been happy with me, but I can’t live up to Saint fucking Kate, can I? Nothing I do is good enough, because Kate can do it better.”
“Don’t even think of bringing her into this – but you are right, she’s a hundred times the mother and the woman that you will ever be, she gave us a taste of what life can be like.
When she treats my kid as though she's her own and a girlfriend who acts like she actually wants to be around me and cares about me - and it was fucking sweet. But make no mistake, this would have happened had I met her or not. You are not fit to be Lucia’s mother.
Do you realise that I could have you arrested for what you’ve done?
If anything had happened to her, I swear to God I would have hunted you down and I would have made you suffer.
Lucky for you, she’s fine... upset, but fine.
But we are done. You’re getting your things and you’re going.
Don’t know where – don’t care.” I turn to carry on packing.
“You’re taking a mother away from her child – do you think that’s fair on Lucia?”
Is she fucking serious?
“What’s fair on Lucia is that the woman who has got her right now is standing at her kitchen worktops baking with two four-year-olds, making them happy, spending time with them, showing them love. Have you done that ever? Even once?”
She doesn’t say anything.
“No, I didn’t think so. I'm going to get her now. I’ll be gone an hour, make sure you're gone by the time I get back, or I’ll be phoning the police.”
“But Lucia?”
“I won’t stop you from having supervised visits with Lucia.
.. supervised visits . . . but after the shit you have pulled today, you can visit her at your parents’ house or with your parents, and that is it.
I’ll be telling them what you’ve done today - they’ll be as disgusted with you as I am.
I don’t want you near this house again.. . ever.”
I walk past her and down the stairs to get my phone and keys and walk out of the front door, slamming it as I do. I walk to Kate's house.