Chapter 20
Kate
It’s Thursday morning - the morning after the crazy night where everything seems to have happened. Should I be happy that they're having problems? No, because that means that Lucia isn’t happy, and I might be an idiot, but I don’t like seeing Nathan unhappy either.
He came around last night to pick Lucia up, but he didn’t say much.
He stayed and had a piece of the cake we’d baked, but his mind was elsewhere—understandably.
I didn’t say anything . . . not my place, but it’s hard not to get involved when I was involved a couple of months ago .
. . about as involved as you could get. After an hour, he thanked me, gathered Lucia’s belongings, and took her home.
Lucia relaxed once she’d got to mine. Baking took her mind off the whole ‘Home Alone’ episode.
There’s no way he’d stay with Nikki after that, surely? What kind of mother does that? I'm still reeling about it, as a mum, it makes me go cold inside and makes me so bloody angry.
I hold Jess's hand as she happily skips to school, jabbering on about how she hopes that this week it will be her turn to be the star of the week.
I walk into the playground and see Nathan straight away.
I let go of Jess's hand so that she could go straight to Lucia. I checked around for another mum to talk to – dammit – the one time I couldn’t see anyone.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him make his way over to me.
“Hey, Kate.”
I glance around to see if anyone is watching us - the last thing I need is more ammunition for the gossipmongers.
“Hi, everything OK?”
He rubs his hand over his face, his hair is a mess, and his eyes look heavy. “Actually, yes, I think it is… or it will be soon.”
I frown. What does he mean by that?
He carries on, “Can I talk to you, after the kids have gone to school, I mean?”
“What’s there to talk about? No... and anyway, I have to go to work.”
“You don’t start until ten. Please… five minutes.”
Jesus, I don’t want to get into this on the playground, as more and more parents arrive, they're gonna be watching us.
“Fine, five minutes.”
“Great,” he gives me a small smile and walks away.
Ten minutes later, back at home, I hear him at the front door - butterflies start in my stomach, which I try to make go away. I refuse to let myself go down this road again. Nathan comes with nothing but heartache. Men come with nothing but heartache.
I open the front door a little, turn around so that he’ll follow me and go through into the kitchen.
“What’s up that you needed to see me so urgently?”
“I'm a dickhead.” He stated, his face expressionless.
“Well…” My lips turned up a little, trying not to smile.
“No, I’m serious, what an absolute fucking dickhead I am. Fuckin’ blew the best thing that has ever happened to me because I believed her – believed that she was going to change – for Lucia. You know I did this for Lucia, right?”
I shrug, “You told me she has power over you - that all she needs to do is click her fingers and you go running – your words, which you’ve proved to be true by the way.”
“Because I believed her and I hoped she was telling the truth – I can’t believe she left Lucia on her own, Kate, every time I think about it, my stomach churns. What kind of mother does that? She’s not fit to be her mum. Anyway, it’s over. She’s gone.”
“How do you mean gone?”
“I mean as gone as she can be – I told her that she had an hour to get out and that by the time I got home with Lucia last night she’d better be gone, and she was.”
“Jesus, how did Lucia take it?” I asked, worried about what the poor little girl was going through.
“That’s the thing,” he says, giving a half laugh “she took it fine – she said that she liked it when it was just me and her, and she misses not seeing you, and does that mean that you’ll start coming over again?”
I wince as though he’s delivered a blow.
He notices, and his eyes widen. “Sorry Kate, I wasn’t saying that so you’d feel bad, just that she dealt with it well – I don’t think she sees her mum as this perfect creature anymore.
Leaving her in the house on her own really upset her…
fucking traumatised her. She'll not get over that in a hurry.
“Well, I'm glad she’s OK about it being just you two again.” I turn away from him because I'm sure he’s trying to convey something to me with a look, but I don’t want to read it.
“Kate...” He starts towards me. I hold up my hand to stop him.
“Don’t even think about it, Nathan.”
“I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I never thought love could be so physical - but it actually fuckin’ hurts not being with you.
I didn’t want to take her back – you have to believe me - I did it for Lucia, thought I was doing the right fucking thing.
I only ever wanted you, Kate and now, don’t you see?
We can be together - the four of us. A family.
You love me, I know you love me. Please… will you think about it?”
“Seriously? You are not seriously saying this shit to me. Ten years ago, you shag me and leave me, and I felt hurt. I thought I did. Nothing could feel like it did ten years later when you have me fall in love with you and dump me again – immediately moving someone else straight into your house. Then, you have the barefaced cheek - the day after you’ve got rid of her for being an unfit mother - to come to me and ask to pick up where we left off? Did I get anything wrong?”
“It sounds awful when you put it like that, but that’s not how it is.
I did what I thought was best for Lucia by being a family.
I fucked up, I was wrong. I knew as soon as she moved in that I’d fucked everything up royally, but I had to go with it for Lucia’s sake.
I couldn’t bear it when the woman came within three feet of me because she wasn’t you! ”
“You expect me to believe that living with her all those weeks, that nothing happened between you two? The so-called love of your life?”
“The love of my life? Who the fuck said she was the love of my life?
I'm looking at the love of my life. You. I thought that I had to put Lucia’s happiness before mine, and yes, before yours, but it was wrong.
.. so wrong because none of it made Lucia happy at all.
I'm sorry. I love you, Kate. Please, please think about what I'm saying.”
I shake my head, he’s getting to me, but I don’t want him to get to me – no way am I letting him in again, let’s say, in a mad moment that I let him in again, gave him another chance – everyone would think that I was a total idiot, that I was a walkover, I'm not having everyone sniggering at me - my self-respect in the gutter. No. I can’t go there again.
He walks over to me “I can see from your face that I'm not winning this round at all, but know this – I am not giving up… ever. Even if it takes years, I will get you back… but to keep us going until I do.” He puts his palm on my cheek, cupping my face, it takes everything in me not to lean into his touch. My eyes meet his.
“Jesus Kate, you lookin’ at me like that, I can’t take it - like a deer caught in headlights – and I hate that I've put that in your eyes, you’re scared of me now – scared of me hurting you.
” He leans in so that his lips are almost touching mine and whispers, “I'm so sorry, I will make this up to you, I promise.” He touches his lips to mine gently and runs his tongue along my bottom lip, waiting for my mouth to open to let him in.
My body wants to, but I resist. I'm not giving him what he wants.
“Open for me,” he whispers.
I open my mouth to tell him to get off me, but he takes advantage - his tongue gaining entry.
He isn’t rough or forceful - he's holding back. He kisses me gently… lovingly. It’s probably the sweetest kiss I've ever had. He’s trying to tell me everything with this kiss - the emotion behind it is overwhelming.
I want to give in and convey my feelings back to him through this kiss.
I want to reach up and finger the hair at the back of his neck, and sink myself into the kiss.
But I don’t - I push him off me, I can't do this again.
I love him, I love him so much, this is crucifying.
He smiles sadly. “We will be together again, Kate and I will make you happy forever. It doesn’t matter how many times you say no, I'm not going to give up.”
He places his lips on my forehead with a gentle kiss and releases me to walk out the door, leaving me standing there like an idiot.
Shit! Fuck! Bugger! Life is fucking unfair.
I want to run after him and tell him we can be together.
.. that I love him... that we can forget everything that’s happened this past couple of months, but I'm fucking mad at him right now. It was perfect, what was happening between the two of us was perfect, and he buggered it up, and now it can never be the same again. I'm always going to be scared he could do that to me again, aren't I? I want to be with him. I want things to be how they were. This is so hard. He didn’t only mess with my emotions, he messed with Jess’ and Lucia’s, too, and that’s unforgivable.
I need a night with the girls, they’ll put me on the right path. I text them both to ask if they're free later for drinks at mine after Jess has gone to bed, of course.
I get ready for work when my phone goes – must be one of the girls texting me back, I pick it up and read, it’s not one of the girls – it's him: