Peaceful Perceptions
This was a time in my life where time felt, and possibly was, altered.
The shock was simply too overwhelming for my young mind.
We had lost two treasured fellow fosters in a matter of two weeks.
The implications of how outsiders would view this were limitless.
Hence, the perilous situation, beyond the life-changing loss of Caleb.
Maybe it was divine interception. Maybe my heavenly guardians were, once again, trying to spare me.
With what had transpired, Caleb’s life wasn’t the only one coming to an end.
Once officers would arrive and learn a foster home had lost control over all the dependents, who were out for blood, dressed in all black, in the middle of the night, to avenge another lost foster, there would be an investigation.
All the remaining Misfits would be rehomed.
How tragic would that have been? How would that have honored a special soul like Caleb’s? Or our Baby Blue?
Truth be told, who but Dale, Harmony, and Kristen would be able to tend to us better?
They were our only chance to survive the horrors of our past. And they damn well knew it.
So, as they made consequential decisions to save those whom they still had a chance to rescue, this is how my mind perceived it.
In headlight streams, Dale picked up Caleb’s dead body…
We may be young, but we have eyes.
Kneeling next to our shocked forms, Kristen cried to us all, “They will shut down the Weathers’ house…”
We may be young, but we understood.
On the side of the road, Harmony cried to Dale, “Caleb has no one but us! He’ll be alone in a grave…”
We may be na?ve, but we are wise.
Wrapped in a blanket, Dale carried Caleb to the van…
We may have no choice, yet we choose.
Harmony, standing by the wrecked car, watched us drive away…
We may not be blood, but love with linked souls.
Home, in our pajamas, we all acted worried for Harmony when officers brought her home…
We may be truthful, yet we lie.
Crying, Dale pulled the blanketed form from under the gazebo…
We may follow rules, but we break laws.
Caleb was taken to a chosen spot in the corner of the backyard…
We may run out of time, but steal each moment.
Shakey hands each grabbed a shovel…
We may dig our own holes, yet give to Mother Earth.
Next to the hidden gravesite, Harmony lay down, refusing to leave.
We may tell lies, but lay with the truth.
Beside a mother of the heart, we lay with her…
We may be mournful, yet have found peace.
The moon blanketed us all… and as it settled, tethered us together in this lifetime, and eternally.
The system’s flaws worked in our favor that night and for years to come.
Kristen was the one in charge of us, so she protected us.
Even the one who could no longer say thank you.
Tracks were laid and covered. Our school received paperwork that Caleb had been transferred.
There were no questions asked. Harmony was correct; Caleb had no family to question his whereabouts.
Each remaining Misfit was safe for now, at least from outside interference.
Of course, that spoke nothing of another danger. Our own minds.
Like a haunting song on repeat, we all were zombies, going through the motions until an act would bring us back to life.
In the gazebo, Sarah, Gage, Ethan, Seb, Finn, and I sat there, motionless, staring at the blooming summer flowers and trees that had been planted over Caleb. It was undoubtedly twisted yet so beautiful and comforting. He wasn’t alone, here on earth.
Dale joined, taking a seat across from us. He rested his elbows on his thighs as he leaned forward. “We need to talk.”
Six sets of exhausted eyes gazed at him, then back over his shoulder to Caleb. We couldn’t seem to turn away for long, tortured by all that happened.
Dale blew out a stressed breath. “It’s okay to change your mind. We can tell the authorities the truth.”
Holding my hand, Sarah doubted his smarts. “Is that really what you think we’re considering?”
Finn added, “For you and Harmony to go to prison?”
The poor man had aged overnight, as if losing two of his own children. His mouth opened then closed. Then tears fell as he shrugged. “I’m in uncharted waters.”
I growled, “We’ll help you swim them as long as you don’t try to stop us.”
Dale’s head fell forward, hanging there as if he had his own exhaustion owning him. “You have to let this go.”
Not letting go of Sarah’s hand, because she was terribly pale and felt as though she was seconds away from splintering in two, I stood, mad as hell.
Losing Caleb rested upon the pastor’s shoulders.
Had he not hurt Blue, we never would’ve been on the road at that hour.
Now it was an eye for an eye. Now it was no longer to cause pain as he had against Blue. Now it was…
“Death is his.”
I’m not sure what Dale heard in my omission, but his head slowly rose to look at me with horror on his face. He begged, “Johnny, I need you to lead better than this.”
Every bit of rage I had buried throughout the years since my father was murdered was now unrelenting and bursting beyond the cage I had used to imprison it until this moment. Dale needed to understand that. I pointed to him. “You. Can’t. Stop. Me.”
A resolve took over his expression. A defeat, one could say. “You’re right, son.”
Then he got up and walked away.
Checkmate.
Gutted. That was what I was. Too fueled or blinded by rage and grief. I couldn’t stop it.
Caleb’s story was one I didn’t know. Now I never would. So, no matter what, I’d avenge him and Blue, because he would want me to.
What I didn’t know was how Dale would never stop fighting for me. For us. Even if it meant he had to admit I had outgrown him. His pride was not too deep to do what was best for me.
At the dining room table, while we all pretended to eat, Dale moved food around his plate. “I have an announcement.”
I was half expecting him to say a new foster was joining us. Hence my unhidden snarl. “Replacing Caleb so soon?”
As if I cut him deep, he shook his head, still staring at food he wasn’t eating. “Jesus, Brass. Unbendable tonight.”
Tossing my fork onto my plate, I shrugged, sitting back in my chair. “Then announce.”
His fork also clanked. Then he sat back, crossed his arms over his chest, and looked me dead in the eye. “You’ve been adopted.”
The audible gasps were almost louder than the cracks shattering my heart.
My mouth gaped. My ears rang with adrenaline. And I was speechless.
We both just sat there, staring at each other as my fellow fosters jumped to their feet, all yelling their protests. Sarah even threw her plate. It hit a wall, creating a mess that resembled what my life had become all over again.
I wanted to tell Dale that I hated him for this. I wanted to scream at my lungs full capacity, but I had to help Finn first. As he ran from the table and up the stairs, I knew where he was headed.
Sure to keep eyes locked with Dale as I rose to my feet, I grabbed Sarah’s hand and kissed it, proud of her fight.
Most who lost a best friend and a lover within such a short amount of time would be on their knees, clueless how to ever stand again.
Then I left the dining room to stop a friend from self-destruction.
In the attic—soon to no longer be my bedroom—Finn was searching high and low. Hearing me come up the stairs, he groaned, “Where is it?”
Calmly, hoping it would help him, I went to the vent in the floor and retrieved the razor still wrapped in the tissue. Finn rushed to grab it from me, but I lifted it into the air above my head while holding my other arm wide.
He had a choice. With me. Always.
Finn broke into tears and took the refuge I offered. I held him as he cried, “I can’t be here without you.”
I leaned my head to his that hid in my shoulder. “You can. You will, until you go to college. And it would be an honor if you would move in here until then.” Maybe if he slept away from the empty bed in his own room, he wouldn’t be so lonely.
His fist grabbed the T-shirt at my back. “Don’t. Go.”
“If I had a choice, I would choose you. Do you understand? But, until the law says we are in charge of our own lives, I have to follow the rules. Look at me.” Finn lifted his head and met my gaze.
“I need you to watch over them.” My throat tightened.
I was losing my family, again. “This is going to kick them in the balls.” Just then, Sarah shouted, “No!” from downstairs, apparently still giving Dale hell.
I grinned, “Including hers,” causing a tear that I hadn’t known had formed to slip down my cheek.
It felt foreign to have another male’s lips on mine, and it was over in a second. I didn’t correct Finn for kissing me. I knew it would never happen again. I knew he understood I wasn’t gay. I also understood he needed the affection in this crucial moment.
He exhaled, nodding, “I won’t fail you.” He swallowed before repeating a word I had called him once. He sounded sad yet deeply sincere. “Brother.”
Even though Finn was slightly older than me, I now felt like the elder, so proud of him for this bravery. I think my smile told him so because he smiled back, a bit of relief present in his exhale.
I told him, “No matter where I’m forced to go, you will always be my family.”