Chapter 30 #2
By not having them in my system, I won’t black out and I’ll have to experience this nightmare. I was going to slit Leon’s throat with the switchblade I have in my back pocket, but my plan was thwarted.
“This is rape and you’re all sick.” I try to turn and escape.
“Don’t worry.” Leon slaps my cheek in a loving type of gesture a couple of times. “You’ll be singing another tune in a few more moments. You always do.”
The men descend on me, touch me, caress me, and undress me. I close my eyes and try to bring visions of Livianna to the forefront of my mind. I won’t survive this if she isn’t here with me.
“Stop!” In one last-ditch effort to fight them off, I twist away. “Get your hands off me! I don’t want this!”
Faces transform. I go into a kaleidoscope of bright lights, swirling colors, and strange shapes. I shudder and try to ignore how good my dick feels.
“Vixen…” I lower my gaze to find Livianna giving me a blow job. “Your mouth is amazing.”
Leon’s dark chuckle echoes around me. “There’s our boy. Just like I promised.”
Something shakes me.
“Livianna!” I jerk and sit up in a cold sweat.
My heart pounds and I’m about to be sick. My gaze sweeps the room in haste.
Where are those assholes? I swing to hit one of them.
The colors split and the office disappears.
“Cash, it was just a nightmare.” Bren’s face takes center stage.
He’s sitting on a chair next to my bed, looking on. He knows better than to touch me when he comes in to wake me from one of my torturous memories showing up in a dream. I’ve attacked him more than once.
I run my hands down my cheeks and take a few calming breaths. That last instance is one of the worst experiences of my life and I can’t seem to break free from it.
Bren snags something off my bed. “They’re getting worse.”
I gaze over at him. “What are?”
“Your nightmares. Not only are you screaming out Livianna’s name and dripping in sweat, but you’re also thrashing around and cursing people out. You’re fighting and telling them to get their hands off you.”
“Guns, you know how it goes. This is the first day out on the road. They’ll simmer down once we’re—”
“Far away from Leon.” Bren kicks his foot up on the edge of the mattress. His leg extends but is bent at his knee. He rests back in his chair. “When are you gonna let me help you?”
“I don’t need help. I need a fucking miracle.”
“Then let’s get you one. I can’t stand by and continue to watch you go through whatever this is.”
I flip back the covers and get out of bed to use the restroom. “There’s nothing you can do. It’s just something I need to get a handle on.”
“You’re such a stubborn prick.”
“I’ve never claimed not to be one.” I slam the door and relieve myself.
Bren’s right. If I don’t figure something out, I’m gonna go crazy. Or worse, I’ll end up dead.
There has to be a way. The good news is while we’re out on tour, my interactions with Leon will greatly diminish.
I’ve let the abuse go on for three years. We only have two years left and our contract will be up.
I’m not sure how I’ll survive until then. There’s relief in sight, though, because I’ll be on the road for at least a year of those future days.
I return to the bedroom where Bren is. “Why are you still here?”
“You wrote another hit last night.” He lifts my cell.
“You figured out my code again?”
“It’s never hard. It’s always a combination of Livianna and your birthdays.”
“You’re lucky I don’t care about you searching my stuff.”
“One day I’ll figure out what’s haunting you.”
“Not if you think you’re gonna find it in a message or an email. I’ve told you a thousand times. There’s nothing on my phone.”
He scans something on the screen. “The latest texts you sent her have great lyrics.”
“You think?”
“Yeah. We need to rearrange them and add a couple more lines that rhyme, but it’s the stuff that makes up all our number one hits.”
I sit on the bed and try to remember what I sent her. My chest aches and I cave in on myself.
“I’m sorry, Guns.”
“For?”
“The album title, the ‘Tainted Love’ cover, and the position I’ve put you in.”
“She’s not talking to me.” He tosses me my cell. “The only reason why I don’t wanna beat the crap out of you is because I know you’re dealing with some fucked-up shit.”
I catch my phone and place it down. “How do you know she’s upset with you?”
“I sent a text saying Happy New Year. She responded by calling me Guns and told me to go get fucked. The last time she called me Guns was when we planted that story with the woman and the coke.”
“At least you heard from her.” My stomach spins with an emptiness that spirals out.
“If you want her back, fix your head.”
“I’m trying.”
“No, you’re not. You’re constantly drinking, using anything you can get your hands on, and fucking any chick that looks your way.”
“You’re one to talk.”
He gets up and meanders out of the room. “Cash, you think that, but I don’t do any of that shit like you do. You just wanna believe you’re not doing it alone.”
I follow him out. “You party right along with me.”
“Sometimes, but I go days without using anything.” He laughs. “I’ll admit, I fuck as much as you do. Probably more, but I’m not in love with someone like you are.”
“Guns, I don’t know how to make it better.” I stand at the window and gaze out over New York, feeling as lost as anyone would in a city as big as this. “She’ll never forgive me.”
“What does she need to forgive you for? You set up the situation with Zara. Tell Livianna and let’s get on with living the dream instead of this nightmare we’re stuck in.”
“How are you any part of what I’m going through?” I turn and face him. “How are you in a nightmare?”
He pegs me with a hard, confronting stare. “You’re my best friend. She’s my sister and I’m in the middle. We can have it all if you just get out of your own way.”
“How? I’m serious, Guns. Tell me how and I’ll do it.”
“First, you’re gonna tell me what’s going on with Leon. Once I have all the details, I’ll know how we can deal with it, but I can’t do that if you refuse to tell me the truth.”
I lower my head and sink further into myself. There’s no way I’ll ever discuss the hell I’m involved in.
And with that, I wonder if it’s only a matter of time before my demise.