17. Miller #2
“That’s because I care about you.” He started to pout.
I gently brushed his hair back as I told him, “The first time we have sex, I want it to be perfect for you, because that’s what you deserve.
And I want us both to be able to relax and enjoy ourselves, without the constant worry of doing something that’s going to affect your recovery.
” I caressed his cheek and said, “Please let me take care of you, Collie.”
The line between his brows softened, and he leaned against me. “Okay, fine, we’ll wait. I can handle the blue balls if you can.”
Collie wove his fingers with mine, and I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed his knuckle.
After a pause, he said, “While we’re on the subject of sex, I should mention that I got tested four months ago.
It was negative across the board, and I haven’t had sex since then.
Actually, it’s been like, ten or eleven months.
If you’ve been tested too, maybe we could skip the condoms.”
“For sure. I got tested twice in the last year, because I didn’t put it past Bruce to cheat on me. And he’s the last person I slept with, so it’s been even longer for me than it has for you.”
“This is none of my business,” he said, “but I have to ask anyway, because I’m nosy. When you and Bruce were together, who topped who?”
“He always bottomed.”
“Hmm. Interesting. I couldn’t quite picture you two doing the nasty. And actually, I don’t want to. He’s just so… ew.” I grinned at that, and he asked me, “Was that what you wanted, to top all the time?”
“Yeah, it was. The few times I tried bottoming in my life, it really didn’t do it for me.”
“Well, that’s a bummer, since I’m strictly a top.”
“Really?”
A snort of laughter burst from him. “Hell no. I’m a total bottom. Come on.”
“Well, you never know.”
We climbed under the covers, and I wrapped my arms around him as he tucked himself under my chin. He fell silent for a while, so I thought he’d nodded off. But then he asked, “What if it’s awful when we finally have sex?”
“Do you think it will be?”
“No, but it happens. Sometimes two people can click in every other way, but then there’s this disconnect when it comes to sex. What if that happened with us? Would you want to go back to just being friends?”
“I already know we’re going to be amazing together. You’re worrying about hypotheticals.”
“Yeah, I do that,” he said quietly. “I can take any situation and go straight to the worst case scenario. I started out in life as an optimist, but it was pretty hard to hold on to that after losing my dad, and my mom, and the house I grew up in, and… you know what? I’m going to stop talking now, because this sounds like a pity party. ”
He fell asleep a few minutes later, and I held him in my arms and thought about what he’d said. I could understand his perspective. My life hadn’t exactly gone as planned, and that had left me more than a little pessimistic—but not when it came to Collie and me.
I had to believe everything was going to work out between us, that the sex was going to be fantastic, and he’d come home with me, and we’d get our happily ever after. We were both overdue for a best case scenario.
That night, after everyone else had gone to sleep, Collie and I were both sitting up in bed, reading on our phones. Suddenly, he tossed back the covers and said, “Bundle up and follow me.”
“Where are we going?”
“The backyard.”
“Why?”
“You’ll see.”
After we put on jackets and our sneakers, we snuck downstairs, being careful not to wake anyone. On the way to the back door, he grabbed a crocheted blanket and the old quilt he’d been using earlier.
I helped him spread out the quilt once we were in the backyard, and we both stretched out side-by-side beneath the blanket. He took my hand and stared up at the night sky. I followed his lead. After a while, I asked, “Are we looking for something in particular?”
“Yup.”
“Aliens?”
“No, but how cool would that be?”
A few moments later, a shooting star streaked across the sky. Collie clamped his hand over his mouth to stifle a squeal, while I murmured, “Oh wow,” and turned toward him. As my eyes got used to the darkness, I could begin to see him pretty clearly. “How did you know that was going to happen?”
“I read online that there was a meteor shower tonight. There’s not much light pollution out here, so I figured we had a good chance of seeing something.”
I turned my attention back to the sky. A minute or two later, another shooting star appeared. Once again, he slapped his hand over his mouth to suppress a squeal of delight. It was so cute, and endearing, and so totally him that I sat up and blurted, “I can’t live without you, Collie.”
He sat up, too. “What?”
“I know you feel like you need to be here, but Jeannie is fine. She has a support system. Dwight’s been checking on her every day, and her in-laws are totally helping out with the kids. She’s got this. She really does. Just ask her.”
It was time to put my cards on the table. I took his hands in mine and continued, “But I’m not fine. Not without you. I know we could do the long distance thing, but this isn’t where you belong. You should be in San Francisco, with me. That’s your home. Please come home with me, Collie.”
His eyes reflected some sort of distant light source as he searched my face and asked, “Why didn’t you say any of this sooner? Instead, you literally drove me here.”
“How could I? That would’ve been so selfish. It would have been like asking you to pick one—me or your best friend, who was having a baby, and whose marriage had just gone up in flames. But now that we know Jeannie is okay, I’m asking you—”
I paused and thought about that before saying, “I was going to say I’m asking you to choose me, but that’s not it.
I’m asking you to choose yourself. You’ve always prioritized other people and been utterly selfless, but I want you to put yourself first for once, Collie.
I hope that means coming back to San Francisco and being with me, but what I want more than anything is for you to choose the life you truly want for yourself. ”
“Of course I want to be with you. If I could have one wish, it’d be for us to build a life together in San Francisco,” he said softly.
“But I’ve never gotten the happily ever after.
It doesn’t even seem possible. Whenever I’ve gotten a taste of true happiness, it’s been torn away from me.
I finally made it to San Francisco, and right after that, I found out I had a life-threatening medical condition.
Then this amazing thing started to happen between you and me, so of course something happened to bring me back here. ”
“But that won’t always be the case.”
“Won’t it? Coming back to my hometown was a pretty easy choice, not just because Jeannie needed me, but because I felt like everything was going to fall apart anyway.
It was all too good, too perfect. I’m not the boy who gets the gorgeous, amazing guy, or gets to have his dreams come true.
I’m just not. I’m the one who loses everything, over and over again.
The one who’s learned hope only gets you heartbreak. ”
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” I told him. “Not this time. I’m yours if you want me, Collie, and you have a home waiting for you in San Francisco.”
He moved closer and asked, “Are you sure I’m what you want? Because I’m kind of a mess.”
“You’re wonderful, Collie. You’re sweet, and kind, and beautiful, and it’s no wonder that I’m completely in love with you.”
He whispered, “Say that again.”
“I love you, Collie.”
“I love you, too.” He cupped my cheek, and I rested my forehead against his. “I wanted to say that for a while now, but I didn’t know you felt the same way.”
“Now you do.”
He smiled and repeated, “Now I do.”
When I kissed him, it felt like a promise. Then we curled up together under the blanket, and as we waited for the next shooting star, he said, “We did all of this backwards. We got married, fell in love, and haven’t had sex yet. Now what? Do we start dating?”
“We’re so far beyond dating.”
“Does that mean I can call you my boyfriend?”
“You can if you want to,” I said, “or you can call me your husband, since that’s actually what I am.”
“Not just on paper?”
“Definitely not just on paper.”
A laugh of pure joy burst from him, and he hugged me as he murmured, “I have a husband. How wild is that?”
“I know that wasn’t exactly the wedding ceremony of your dreams, so if you want to do it again with more guests and more pomp and circumstance, we definitely can.”
“Nah, I’m good. I mean, unless you want a big, fancy wedding, and a huge reception, and all of that.” Just then, another shooting star blazed across the sky, and he slammed his hand over his mouth and squealed with delight.
I grinned and took his hand. “Nope. I’m perfectly happy.”
“With our shotgun wedding?”
“With everything.”