37. Chapter 37 #4
His understanding made the thought of not seeing him hurt even more.
I felt selfish for running him out of his own home.
But how could either of us know what was real between us, while all of my emotions were so jumbled?
His too. It’s not like he hadn’t just been through hell and back.
We both just needed a minute to breathe.
If what we had together was real, then we’d find our way back to each other.
If it wasn’t, then it was never meant to be.
Lacey kept hold of my hand for another moment before she spoke. “There’s someone I think might help, if you’re willing to talk to her. Dr. Maria St. Clair.”
“A therapist?”
“Yes. Maria helped me through a rough stretch when I loved Nik and was still furious about half the things he’d done in the name of protecting me. She never told me whether to stay or to leave. She helped me figure out what I wanted.”
Nik gave Lacey a sheepish grin.
Lacey glanced at him, and despite everything, there was obvious affection between them. “Mafia men have a bad habit of convincing themselves that overprotective and controlling are simply different ways of saying they love you.”
“I have improved,” Nik said.
“You have.” She gave him a small smile. “Mostly because Maria helped me learn how to tell you when you were being an asshole without wondering whether I was wrong for saying it.”
Scarlett laughed under her breath.
“I think I’d like to talk to her,” I said.
“I’ll call her.” Lacey squeezed my fingers. “But that can wait. Come with me for a few minutes.”
I looked at Lachlan before following her.
“I’ll be here,” he said quietly.
I nodded.
The three of us left the office and crossed the penthouse to the guest suite. Once we were inside, she closed the door.
Lacey took me into the bathroom, ran cool water over a washcloth, and handed it to me.
“Here. Before your eyes swell shut.”
I pressed it under my eyes. “I look terrible.”
“You look like you’ve had a hell of a morning, sweetheart. That’s all.”
“That was diplomatic.”
“I’m Southern. We’re trained from birth to make an insult sound congenial.”
Scarlett leaned one shoulder against the counter. “Don’t believe her. Lacey tells people exactly what she thinks.”
“Only when they need to hear it.”
Their easy teasing helped more than I expected. Nothing about my life felt normal, but the two of them treated me as though they knew I’d figure everything out.
I lowered the washcloth and looked at Lacey.
“I’m not angry with Lachlan for what Nik did.”
“I know.”
“He defended me when he didn’t know I was listening. Everything he said in that office was what I would have wanted him to say if I’d been standing beside him.”
“Lach is a good man. Now it’s up to you to decide if he’s your man.”
My eyes burned again, and I blinked hard. “Part of me wants to go back in there right now, put my arms around him, and tell him none of this changes anything between us.”
Lacey studied me. “And the other part?”
“I don’t know whether I’d be going back because I love him or because I need him to make this stop hurting.”
I sat on the edge of the vanity stool and twisted the washcloth between my hands.
“Then take your time, and you’ll figure it out,” Scarlett said.
“I know. I think I love him. I just need to know those feelings are real and not something grief or fear created.”
“I understand that more than you probably realize,” Lacey said.
She sighed. “When Nik came into my life, he knew things about me I had never told him. He watched me, put protection around me that I hadn’t asked for, interfered in parts of my life because he believed keeping me alive mattered more than whether I agreed with the way he did it.”
She gave a small, rueful smile. “He also saved my life, and I love him. Both things can be true.”
I had seen the way she looked at Nik. There was no uncertainty in her love for him.
“And just so you know, Dr. St. Clair never tried to decide whether I should stay with him or not,” Lacey continued.
“She helped me sort through everything until I could tell the difference between what had been done to me, what I was afraid of, and what I actually wanted. Once I could hear my own voice again, the decision was mine.”
“That’s what I need.”
“Then that’s what we’ll make sure you have. No deadlines. You take whatever time you need, and nobody is going to pressure you for an answer.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
An hour later, washed up and dressed, I stood inside Nik’s private elevator between Lacey and Scarlett. Henri and two DarkMatter men took up positions behind us.
Lachlan stood directly in front of the elevator, making no move to close the space between us.
“I wish I knew what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Mouse.”
“I just need a little time.”
His throat moved as he swallowed. “Then take it. I’ll be here.”
The elevator doors began to close.
Every part of me wanted him to stop the doors. But he let them close without asking me to stay or promising that everything would somehow be all right.
The last thing I saw before the doors met was Lachlan standing alone in the hall, his face as devastated as I felt.