Chapter 37
Felicity was running out of time.
The big day was practically here and she still hadn’t decided what to do about Bex, or how to do it.
In a little over twenty-four hours her best friend would be getting married to the same man who had broken her heart multiple times.
And at this rate, Felicity was going to let it happen. What kind of friend did that make her?
To make matters a million times worse, Felicity was the damn chief bridesmaid, which meant everyone she knew would be watching proceedings with an extra layer of interest. Hoping for a bit of drama.
A touch of gossip to take back to their dull little lives.
Ironic, really, given that less than two years ago Felicity’s life had been the dullest of all.
And although she wouldn’t (really) have swapped it, at this moment she wanted to crawl back under the covers and sleep until Monday.
She lay for a moment staring at the ceiling and then, finally and with a monumental effort, she dragged her reluctant body out of bed and down the stairs.
Her phone was already buzzing with an endless stream of WhatsApp messages so Felicity threw it into the cutlery drawer, dumped some biscuits into the cats’ bowls and then sat at the kitchen table clutching a mug of hot tea and trying to put her thoughts in some kind of order while they munched noisily beside her.
Everything was organised, of course, because Sophie existed, and right at this moment Felicity could not have been more grateful for that fact.
Her friend had somehow known that this would all be too much to contemplate and had quietly and discreetly taken on most of the maid of honour duties, something Felicity would merrily spend the rest of her life thanking her for.
What she wasn’t so thankful for, was the fact that they were due to leave shortly for an Airbnb for the night before, a pretty former mill-house by a river just a few minutes from the venue, which was a converted barn with beautiful high-beamed ceilings and an overwhelming aroma of – what did Bridget Jones call them? – “smug marrieds” around every corner.
And before the horrors of the wedding there was the Getting Ready.
In other words, spending a miserable Friday with all the other bridesmaids she still hardly knew, Sophie (thank God) and Bex.
All Felicity had to do was pack a bag and get in the car and head to the house they’d rented for the weekend for the girls to get ready in, but as she sat there that morning, the silence of the house surrounding her, her gorgeous James asleep two floors above her, the prospect was almost crippling.
She very nearly rang her therapist but she knew Hattie wouldn’t thank her for a phone call at 6.
47am and besides, there wasn’t time. This one she was going to have to handle on her own.
This time on Sunday, she repeated over and over like a mantra, this time on Sunday it’ll all be over. Either you will have told Bex not to marry Adam or you will have watched her marry your ex and doom herself to a life of unhappiness.
What would Felicity’s world look like then?
‘Darling Felicity,’ said Bex, throwing her arms around her neck as soon as she arrived, still bleary-eyed from the early start. Felicity gave her back a cursory pat.
‘It’s nearly time, how are you feeling?’
Bex waved a hand. ‘Fine, just fine. I’m fine.’
Felicity raised her eyebrows. ‘Erm. Are you sure about that?’
Her friend’s face crumpled just a little. ‘Yes… I think so.’
‘Do you need a chat?’ Why did I say that? ‘I mean, if not with me then I can find someone I’m sure…’ Or that?
Bex put her head on one side, her lips drawn into a perfect pout. ‘No, actually, you’ll be perfect.’
‘Okay…’ said Felicity, although this was very much not okay.
They nestled into an alcove in the capacious Airbnb lounge which meant their knees were touching and Felicity didn’t know where to put her eyes.
She ended up focusing on the bookshelf on the opposite wall – it had a ladder and everything!
– just so she didn’t have to really look Bex in the eye from this acute angle.
She remembered something funny she’d seen online, pointing out that Beauty would have actually happily slept with the Beast in his beast form just to get a library with a ladder.
Felicity loved books. She loved libraries with ladders too. But maybe not quite that much.
‘Shoot,’ said Felicity, wrapping a foot underneath her and trying to focus on being in the present moment.
Bex took in a long slow breath. ‘I’m so glad you were the first one here, Fliss.’
Felicity gave a wry smile. ‘Maid of Honour Extraordinaire, that’s me.’
‘Yes, well, I’m grateful because I wanted to talk to you.’
‘Okay…’
‘Stop saying okay like that. You make it sound like you think I’m some kind of ogre.’
Felicity felt her face flush a little. That was exactly what she thought. ‘Nonsense.’
‘Of course you do. And who could blame you? I am marrying Adam, after all.’
Acid began bubbling in Felicity’s stomach and she cursed herself for not bringing the Rennies. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You know exactly what it means,’ snapped Bex.
The sharpness of her tone took Felicity’s breath away. ‘I’m afraid I don’t. I can’t tell if you’re implying you think I still have feelings for him or…’
‘I’m not implying anything. I’m saying it.’ Bex was properly scowling now.
Felicity stood up and started pacing back and forwards across the room. She felt like she’d been ambushed but she wasn’t sure how it had happened, exactly.
‘Saying what? That you think I still love Adam? You must know that’s not true. How could that ever be true? After what he did? After what you both did?’
Bex shrugged. Actually shrugged. ‘The heart wants what the heart wants. Isn’t that the line?’
Bile rose in Felicity’s throat and she had to swallow three times, which at least gave her a moment to think.
‘Let me get this straight,’ she began. ‘On the day before your wedding to my ex-boyfriend, the man who you cheated on me with for years and have now elected for some unknown reason to tie yourself to for eternity, you are accusing me of being still in love with him? Do I have that straight?’ Felicity knew the hot flash of anger was visible on her pale cheeks but she no longer cared.
To her surprise, Bex burst into tears. Great, lashing sobs that shook her whole body. Felicity stood paralysed, only able to watch as her friend, or whatever she was, tried to get herself under control. She had never ever seen Bex cry like this.
‘No,’ Bex said, sniffing, ‘that’s not it at all.’
‘But you said—’
‘I know what I said,’ Bex cut in, swallowing another enormous sob, the tears rolling freely down her cheeks. ‘I know what I said but I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry, Felicity.’
Felicity sat back down in the alcove with a thump and patted Bex’s knee.
‘What did you mean then?’ she said, trying to keep her voice even.
‘I know it’s not your fault,’ said Bex. ‘And I know I’m the worst person in the whole world for even thinking it but I think Adam still loves you. And I hate you for it. And I’m so sorry.’
Felicity rubbed at her forehead. ‘There’s no way that’s true,’ she said, after a few moments’ thought.
Bex looked up at her, hope flashing in her eyes. It was kind of pathetic. Felicity suddenly felt really sorry for her. Maybe she really did love Adam.
‘You don’t think so?’
Felicity shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think so. I’m being truthful. I’ve barely seen him since you two got engaged so I have no idea where you even got this from.’
‘Because he said…’
Felicity held up a hand at that. ‘I actually don’t want to know what he said.’ Even though she really did. ‘I can’t see how that’s going to help anyone, is it?’
Her friend’s shoulders slumped. ‘No. I suppose not.’
‘Forget what he said. He says a lot of things. And the thing is, we did talk about this when you got engaged if you remember. You said you knew he might always have some feelings for me but you were going to go for it anyway. Do you remember that?’
Bex frowned. ‘That doesn’t sound like me.’
‘Well, that’s what you said. And I’m not saying he does still have feelings for me, or anything like that, but you went into this with your eyes wide open. You know what kind of man he is. Are you sure you want to marry him, Bex?’
There. She’d said it.
Bex spun to look at her.
‘So, you don’t want me to marry him. I knew it.’
Felicity held up her hands. ‘That is very much not what I said.’
Bex’s eyes narrowed. ‘I knew you’d try and sabotage this. I’m going to go through with it. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.’
Felicity stood up but this time her feet carried her all the way to the door.
‘Then you’re going to have to do it without your maid of honour. I quit.’
She opened the door to three of the bridesmaids whose names she couldn’t even remember.
Kirsty or Kristy or something, wasn’t it?
Felicity felt the tears well up as she looked at their surprised faces but she just swallowed and pushed past them.
‘Good luck,’ she muttered, pulling out her phone to tell Sophie what had happened.
It was the right thing to do. Of course it was. So why did she feel so rotten?