Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
“You know by now that I did not wish to marry,” he began as he crossed the room back toward her.
Arabella stood perfectly still, unsure of what was about to happen, while knowing that it would be hugely significant.
“I did so for Timothy, as you are aware. But as to why that was what forced me… Why, if not for him, I would have stayed single for the rest of my life. You deserve to know the truth.”
Arabella had no idea what to say.
Caspian stopped just a few feet from where she stood, and her eyes flicked past him to the closed door. Alone as they were, it heightened the tension, increased the intimacy, and had Arabella locked in place, for fear that speaking or moving might ruin the moment.
“Your relationship with your father is strained,” he continued.
As he spoke, he looked past her, as if he was focused on something in the distance…
or something in the past. “I should have understood the significance of this earlier, Arabella. I should have seen how similar we are, in so many ways.”
He chuckled at that, bitterly, shaking his head as if such a comment was absurd.
“What do you mean?”
“My father was a cruel man,” he continued darkly.
“Growing up, he ran his home with fear and wickedness. He treated me with coldness, while he treated my mother as if she were a possession. Worse still, only we knew this side of him…” His lips curled with distaste.
“To the public, he was well-respected, liked by most, a perfect member of high society. But behind closed doors…” A fire burned behind his eyes, as if he were reliving the memories in real time.
“I loathed him, Arabella. And as much as I did, considering the type of man he was, I wonder sometimes if I did not hate him enough.”
Still, Arabella said nothing.
She noticed how close Caspian was to her—only two or three feet away. She also felt him loom over her, blocking the rest of the room, his width and size like a wall she could not escape. And she could sense the pain in his voice; never before had he been this vulnerable, this honest, this real.
Why is he telling me this now? And what does it really mean?
“I was happy when he died,” Caspian continued with the same level of intensity.
“I thought…” He grimaced. “I thought that with his death, I could forget him and what he did. To ignore that part of my life forever, that this would be my ultimate revenge. What I did not realize until later was just how deep my father’s legacy ran.
It…” He winced and looked away as if in shame.
“He is a part of me. Too often, I see myself in him. And try as I might, I can never escape him.”
Arabella wanted to reach out and touch Caspian on the arm. She could see that he was hurting, that he needed her. But she suspected, too, that he was not ready for such a thing. Whatever this was, Caspian needed space to let it out, to change.
“You think yourself to be trapped by your father.” His head snapped up, and he looked right at her; his eyes glazed and watery, hate and pity reflected in them.
“It is nothing compared to what I live with every day. My greatest fear is that if I am not careful, then I will turn out to be just like him. Timothy… He deserves a father, but a better one than I can be. And you? You deserve a husband, but if I dare to try…” He clenched his teeth as if each word was a struggle.
“If I become my father, that is a life I would not wish upon anyone. You, most of all.”
She nodded carefully. “That is why…”
“You are braver than you think, Arabella.” His voice turned soft, almost proud. “That you were able to tell me about your father at all is proof that he does not own you. Since you have come into this home, you have changed so much, grown beyond him so that he does not own you.”
She shook her head. “He still does. I thought he did not, but…”
“No,” he said sharply. “He does not.” Then, he took a step toward her, quickly, and Arabella gasped to find Caspian so close.
“I am sorry for what I have done to you, Arabella. I should have… To force this marriage… To trap you…” He held her in his stare as if he needed her to see how sorry he was.
“But please know, I will never do to you what my father did to my mother. And if your father ever tries to control you again, I will save you from him. Whatever you might think of me, know that to be true. You freed yourself from him, and that needs to matter.”
Arabella could not believe what she was hearing.
But just because she could not believe it, it did not mean the words did not matter. And while she did not fully understand them yet, she knew he was trying to ease her suffering and doubt. Whatever Caspian was, he was not controlling. He truly cared.
“I know that now,” she said. “I do, Caspian. When my father came to me with this, I forgot who I was and all that had happened. I ought not to have. I ought to have understood that whatever this marriage is, it is better than what I left before.
He nodded firmly. “I do not want you to be scared of me, Arabella. I do not want you to think that… You are not a prisoner here. And if there is anything that you need, it is yours. I will not do to you what my father did to my mother and me.”
“Caspian…” Arabella looked at Caspian as if his words made no sense. She almost felt guilty. “Is that what you… I am not scared of you. I do not think you are a horrible person.”
“You do,” he said. “And that is—”
“No,” she cut him off. “You are withdrawn. Isolated. Confusing…” She laughed softly. “You are many things, Caspian, but you are not evil. Please, do not think such things of yourself.”
He stood directly over her, so close that she could reach out and touch him if she wanted to. As he gazed at her with that burning intensity, Arabella decided to take a chance.
For days now, she had felt confusion about Caspian and what he wanted. She had denied her own feelings, certain there was no point in having them. Finally, she was starting to see the truth, just as she was starting to see Caspian for who he truly was, and what he truly wanted.
All he needed was to be shown that it would not be the end of him; that he was not someone to be feared, and that whatever might happen between them, it would be for the best.
Taking that chance, she reached out and took his hand.
He flinched as their fingers touched, but he did not pull away. Instead, he stared at her hand, entwined through her fingers, seeming not to understand what she was doing, why she would do such a thing, after what he had just said.
But he is not pulling away, and that is what matters…
“I do not think that you are your father, Caspian,” she said as their fingers interlocked.
“And I ought to know. Having grown up as I did, I have witnessed exactly what you described. I know fear. I know the feeling of a lack of control, the feeling of being trapped. And I tell you now, that is not what I feel with you.”
He still looked at their fingers. “It is not?”
“No.”
“What…” He swallowed. “What do you feel?”
It was a good question.
Where Caspian was concerned, Arabella felt many things.
Confused, almost always. She never truly knew what he was thinking or what he wanted.
And more than once, she had stopped and questioned everything about their relationship, convinced that it might be easier for them both if they simply avoided the other entirely.
But just as she felt those things, she knew there was so much more to it than that.
Their fingers on their right hands were interlocked.
It sent a pulse up her arm and through her body.
Arabella made sure to be looking right at him, wanting Caspian to see into her eyes so that she could feel his thoughts, as he could feel her own.
And when their eyes met, she knew exactly what she had to say.
He does not control me, but that does not mean I do not want him to have some control when I need him. That is the difference.
“I feel safe, Caspian,” she said to him. “You are a good man, despite what you think. You took in your nephew as your own son to give him a better life. You married me to ensure that he had one. And when you did, you saved me from my father.”
“I had no choice,” he argued.
She shook her head. “My father controls me, not you. And you know well that you could have denied him. But I think that when you saw what he was, you saw your own father, and you married me not because you had to but because you wanted to. You wanted to save me from him, and if that does not prove how different you are from your own father, then I do not know what does.”
“You truly believe that?”
“It is not a question of what I believe,” she said. “It is the truth. And because of that, no matter what you say or what you do, I will always be grateful to you. You saved me,” she said again. “And do not ever forget that.”
He clutched her fingers but shook his head. “You did not need saving, Arabella. You are strong; you are stronger than you think.”
“So are you,” she said. “And as I have changed, I know that you can too.”
She could see the effect her words were having on him. His gratitude. His relief. And as he held her hand and looked down at her, Arabella knew that they had just taken a huge step forward in their relationship.
Hopefully, it is not the last one.
For a moment, Caspian just looked at her. It was a look that suggested he was seeing her for the first time. His eyes flicked from her face to her hand, then back to her eyes, and then to her lips. He paused on those lips, and Arabella felt the change take him.
“I do not want to be the type of husband who controls you, Arabella,” he began. “And yet, sometimes… You send me mixed messages.”
“Oh?”
“You want to be free, I know that. But I feel that there is a part of you that wants to be controlled. That you want a husband who dominates you. Who owns you completely…” His stare became hungry as he looked at her again.