Chapter Two #3
“No! I’m done with it. There’s no point in trying to make this marriage work.
We’ve tried to find a way to be together, but all we do along the way is manipulate and hurt each other, and that’s no kind of marriage.
I won’t let you boss me around. I won’t let you control me, and I won’t allow you to abuse me further.
I’m taking what little I have left and leaving you. Now sign these godsdamn papers!”
“I’m not fucking signing anything!” Charlie screamed.
His chest heaved as his shoulders shook. Stubborn resentment took over my limbs, moving them for me as I grabbed my wheels to roll away. “Fine. I don’t need your signature to leave. It’s just going to take longer.”
Oberi gave another whine, but I pretended not to hear it— a thing that gutted me to do. I left Charlie’s quarters, and he didn’t follow me.
It was the middle of the night by now. Everything was dark, a color that matched the shade of my blackened heart. I wished it’d stop beating.
My guard was waiting where I’d left her. “Eldin, take me into the city.”
She frowned. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, princess.”
“It’s what has to be done.” During the argument, I hadn’t been able to admit to myself that I’d done wrong. But now that I wasn’t facing Charlie, I needed to bear witness to that which I didn’t wish to see.
Eldin drove me into Ilamanthe. The moment we left the palace grounds, gut-wrenching shame bloomed all over my body. The majority of the massacre inside the palace had been from Charlie’s rebellion, but what had happened in the city itself was all on me.
Buildings and homes had been completely torn down, reduced to nothing but rubble. Skyscrapers lay toppled over, businesses destroyed. Some places were still on fire, and the Elves desperately rushed to put them out.
There had to be thousands dead, guessing from the carnage that could be seen on nearly every street.
Bodies littered the sidewalks, and the faces of those walking around were covered in dust from the buildings collapsing.
The Elves wandered the remains, calling for their families and loved ones, grieving for the beautiful city they’d built that had been lost.
It would’ve been better for all of them if I’d never been born. Whole monarchies had never killed this many people during their entire reign as I had in one day.
I was no ruler. I was a tyrant, and I’d made my people pay the price for a crime they hadn’t committed.
It was a deranged, worthless gesture to try and make it so they didn’t feel suffering at all.
Now I was the one inflicting suffering upon them, and there was no turning my face away from that reality.
When we got to the center of the city, I told Eldin to stop. She helped me out of the car and into my chair. I began maneuvering the city streets, avoiding the debris.
I expected the Elves to attack me, to cry for my head and take my crown away, but they did no such thing. Instead, they bowed out of my way, whispering words of reverence as their gazes were downcast in shame… as if they deserved this.
“The princess has passed her judgement.”
“Whatever she may decide, we will accept with grace.”
“May the Holy Mother’s will be imposed upon us all.”
They were praising me for what I’d done, as if I was a malevolent god that had the right to cast damnation upon these people.
Eldin led me to an area of the city that was the most damaged. We passed by a mansion that lay in tatters. An Elven woman climbed out of the wreckage, her voice wailing in pain as she clung to a bloody bundle in her arms.
“How can I help?” I asked, extending my arms. It seemed so fruitless and vain for me to ask that, because I’d been dead set on condemning her mere hours before.
But in the face of her pain, which I had to observe instead of ignore now that I was no longer on that beach, my reserve to end all things crumbled.
What I’d done had been wrong. I needed to try and fix this.
The woman fell before me onto her knees, sobbing. “Princess, you are the symbol of our goddesses upon this earth. I thank you, that you have found me worthy to teach me this great lesson.”
“Teach…” My voice faded as a portion of the cloth fell away from the bloody bundle. It revealed the gray face of an infant, pale with death.
He’d been suffocated by the mansion once it’d collapsed. Even if I had my magic back, I couldn’t save this baby. He was already gone.
Something deep within my abdomen wretched and convulsed.
The woman clutched her baby, rasping, “I understand your judgement upon our city. We Elves have been sinful and selfish, but we will be devoted to your desires from now on. We have earned your wrath, and we accept it graciously. If it’s for you, princess, I’ll sacrifice anything. Even if it’s my only son.”
The woman bowed away, like she didn’t see herself fit to bow in my presence, limping off to bury her son. I was aware there were tears falling from my eyes, but didn’t feel them.
This wasn’t a culture. It was a cult.
The carnage got worse the further in we went.
An entire daycare had fallen into a crevice, killing all the children that had been inside.
Fireballs had ripped through a local hospital, igniting all the patients, and a store that sat on the cliffside had fallen into the sea, trapping the patrons inside until they drowned.
So much death. And all for what? Because I couldn’t keep my head and stay sane? Or because I truly believed at the time that this is what needed to happen to protect the world?
I hadn’t protected anyone, though that had been my only wish. I’d condemned them. I needed to take responsibility for this and face up to what I’d done, because I couldn’t deny all of this was on my hands.
“Princess, there is no need to keep putting yourself through this,” Eldin insisted. “What matters now isn’t witnessing what you’ve done, but doing whatever you can to make it right.”
“There’s no making this right, Eldin.” I could not quit. I would not. Only when I’d recognized the depth of suffering I’d inflicted upon each and every soul here would I allow myself to draw away.
I wandered around the city the remainder of the night, and through most of the next day. I was exhausted, but I didn’t allow myself to stop. I didn’t even let Eldin push my chair, preferring to move myself along until my arms ached.
I needed to see all of it. Everything I was capable of, everything I’d done to destroy people’s lives.
The city wasn’t the only thing that was ruined.
The beautiful garden Charlie had proposed in was wrecked.
The art structures had toppled over, the flowers withered away, wild animals rotting out in the open with glassy, empty eyes.
I hadn’t just harmed the city. I’d ruined the surrounding environment.
There’d been plants and animals here that had been full of life before I’d taken it all away.
Maybe I was worse than Charlie. He’d tried to take over the world, but I’d tried to destroy it. I didn’t think these people would’ve survived once he’d enslaved the realm, but at least I wouldn’t have been the one to do it. Me trying to take a stand had cost so many their lives.
Coyote Spirit had told me to stop. So had my grandfather. I didn’t care, because I thought I was right.
I’d never been more wrong.
The sunset was bloody and sanguine. By this time, Eldin had forced me to return to the car, and I couldn’t give so much as an order in response. Weariness overcame me, and I fell into a fitful sleep in the back of the limo as I was escorted back to the palace.
When I awoke, I was in a bed in the Ladies’ Court sometime past ten. Eldin must’ve left me here. I sat up in bed, brushing back my hair as I glanced at my chair. The wheels had been bloody from rolling around the city, but they were clean now.
I knew my family wanted to speak to me. My siblings, my parents. Most likely my friends, too.
I wasn’t able to face them right now. I didn’t think I could look at them again without feeling utterly humiliated. I could hide here in the Ladies’ Court for a while, but they’d find me eventually.
I couldn’t run from everyone forever. If I wanted an attempt at making reparations, no matter how worthless they were in the end, I had to start somewhere. I didn’t want to beg for forgiveness, because I didn’t deserve it. I just wanted to express how sorry I was.
I guess there was one person I could face, because if I could admit to anyone in the world just how badly I’d fucked up, it would be Ivy.
Eldin wanted to follow, but I told her to stay behind. There wasn’t anyone in the halls when I proceeded toward the tower where all my friends’ rooms were. I didn’t meet anyone on my way, including Charlie, thank the ancestors.
Yet when I got to Ivy’s quarters, the scene was anything but welcoming. Chancey’s clothes were scattered all over the floor outside the room, along with boxes of his things. Ivy walked out, tossing a bin of baseball gear out the door.
When Ivy saw me, their eyes narrowed. They didn’t say anything, but turned their back and headed into the apartment. I followed, looking around at the chaotic mess.
“Where’s Chancey?” I asked. Stuff had been sorted into piles, and I could tell what belonged to who.
“He’s gone. Got an apartment in the city. Said he needed to do some soul searching.”
Ivy scoffed. “Yeah, right. Couch surfing is what he's gonna do.”
My voice grew small. “Chancey’s… moving out?”
“We’re taking another break. No thanks to you guys.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t put this on us. How many times are you two going to split up?”
“That’s real rich, hypocrite, seeing as how you’re looking at divorce court. At least I didn’t marry the guy I knew was bad for me.”