Chapter Two #4
I’d come in here with an open heart, willing to take responsibility and looking for someone to help me own up to my mistakes.
But Ivy’s tone immediately made me defensive, switching my perspective from hurt and devastated to angry and defiant.
“I came by to talk. I figured if anyone had an idea of what this feels like, it’s you. ”
Ivy snorted. “Cool. So you needed to talk to a big loser to get validation for the stupid decision you made. What a compliment, Ava.”
“I just thought… out of everyone, that you’d understand.”
“I can’t understand this!” Ivy snapped. “If you want to be vulnerable with somebody right now, sorry, it ain’t me!”
I grabbed my wheels and went to leave. “Fine. I’ll just go.”
“Oh, so now the pretty princess wants to run away. That’s so typical of you.”
“You don’t want me here, so why should I stick around? So we can sit here and yell at each other?”
“I told you, Ava!” Ivy screamed, and they threw down the glass they were holding.
It shattered all over the floor. “I warned you that if you kept giving up parts of yourself to other people, there wasn’t gonna be anything left by the end of it.
Now look at ya. Charlie took what little you had left to offer, because you cared too damn much. ”
Ivy’s words pierced me to the bone, because they were absolutely right.
Being overly empathetic could hurt people more than it helped.
Worse of all, it could really hurt you. There were limits to how much good hyper compassion could do, and it was more destructive than apathy could be.
Loving other people too intensely could become a poison that ate away at you from the inside out, and I'd been drinking it down for years. I’d loved Charlie so much that I let him push me to my limit, and I’d loved the people of the world so badly I thought it would be better for them if I took their lives away to spare them suffering, instead of letting them experience it.
It would’ve been better if I’d sat on the sidelines and not participated at all.
I steeled my tone. “I won’t be made into a sinner because I care. You can call me a villain for the rest of it, but I had the best intentions.”
“Yeah, so did Charlie, and look how that turned out.” Ivy stepped around the broken glass and began throwing Chancey’s boxing gear into a bag.
“And by the way, precious, this ain’t a breakup, and you ain’t dating.
This is a marriage. You wanna split up a family because you can’t control your shit, go right ahead. ”
“You’re so fucking mean, Ivy.”
“I speak the truth. You aren’t the only one who can be blunt around here.”
I gave a bitter laugh. “The truth? The truth is you’re two-faced. You sided with Charlie. You promised to defend me from everything, to always be there for me, but you helped him take me down when you knew I’d end up like this!”
“Sorry I can’t agree to being a part of the world’s biggest suicide pact.”
“I don’t care! You promised to side with me on everything, no matter what!” My eyes burned as I struggled to withhold the quiver in my voice. “Then when my back is turned, you drive a knife in it by taking Charlie’s side instead of mine!”
“Do you think I can forgive Charlie for what he did to Chance?” Ivy asked, and they started to cry.
“No fucking way. I’ll hate him every day for making Chance lose a wing during that mission, and for taking away my shot at getting back at my father.
But I knew Charlie was capable of something like this.
That’s why I didn’t want you to marry him again. ”
A memory struck me. Before my wedding in Ilamanthe, all my bridesmaids had tossed flower petals into the sacred pool in the Elvish temple, and bestowed upon me their blessing before the marriage.
Ivy had been there, but they’d paused for a long moment before they had given me their promise to protect me no matter what.
“The ceremony before the wedding,” I remarked. “You hesitated.”
“Of course I did. I wanted to object, because I didn’t think Charlie was good for you.
But I knew he made you happy, so I kept quiet, and fuck all if I’m not cursing myself for not opening my big mouth.
I should’ve told you to kick him to the curb, but I didn’t.
I convinced myself you two would get your shit together eventually and find a way to have a healthy relationship.
Instead, you guys blow up your marriage, and everyone else with it.
So, no, Ava. I don’t like Charlie. I never have.
I think he’s bad for you, for pretty much everybody, and that besides being a walking red flag, he’s a major asshole.
Sorry this confession comes a few months too late. ”
Ivy stopped packing, turning toward me as their tone dripped with loathing.
“And you know what else? I’m pissed off that your actions were so extreme that you’re making me see things from his point of view!
Charlie’s grandpa died, and grief ain’t no excuse, but you have to admit that you would’ve locked Charlie up and tried to usurp Cameron if anyone you loved died.
You would’ve gone on the warpath the minute you had the chance, so don’t act like your husband’s actions are unforgivable. You would’ve done the same damn thing.”
“Damn right I would’ve, and I would’ve had the balls to finish the job!
” I snapped. “You’re right about one thing, though.
Charlie doesn’t get any passes for his grief.
I know grief better than any damn person, and I wanted to spare you all from knowing the same shithole. That’s why I did what I did.”
Ivy shook their head. “You think I haven’t seen my share of shitshows? I’ve lived the circus life, Ava, and I gotta tell you, I’ve never seen a shit circus quite like yours.”
I took a bow, just to mock them. “Well, I’m glad you enjoyed the show!”
“I wouldn’t put it that way. You know, it was a good choice to put on a circus to get the vampire key, because no one can put on a clown act quite like you and Charlie.”
Resentment festered inside my chest, brimming with disgust. “You must’ve enjoyed dancing with the clowns, because you sure came running to my ass to take you in.
No one wanted you at the Institute, but I saw the best in you even when all you were doing was shooting up nightshade in the bathroom.
Why can’t you see the best in me now that I’ve ruined my fucking life?
You’re turning away when I need you the most! ”
“Oh, yeah? Let me tell you something, precious. This addict has gotten you through more bullshit than you realize, but I’m not going to wipe your ass now that you’ve shit the bed this time,” Ivy sneered.
“Who held your hand when you were going through multiple bouts of psychosis? Who gave up their own meals to feed you when you were determined to starve yourself? Who cleared your tears away when Charlie dumped your ass? Now he’s dumping your ass again! ”
“I’m the one dumping him, you whore,” I spat.
Ivy’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Wow. So we’re resorting to name-calling now. That’s awesome. I’m glad you see me as some big slut, just like everyone else does.”
I winced. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Sure you didn’t. But you know what? At least I got paid. You’re a whore too, Ava, but you only spread your legs for one man, and he sure fucked you good this time, didn’t he?”
“You know I didn’t mean it that way,” I pleaded. “I call everyone a whore.”
“Maybe you think it means nothing, but that word means something to me. You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t think I was one.”
“Well, if the high heel fits!” I was fed up with this conversation. If Ivy wanted to be a right bastard, fine. I could be one, too.
“At least I didn’t try to blow up the world in order to get back at everyone who’s screwed me over, you raging, lunatic bitch!”
“I didn’t do this to punish the world! I did this to save it.”
“Don't lie, Ava. This wasn't some altruistic act of benevolent mercy.
You just wanted to give the world the biggest middle finger it's ever had, a grand fuck you before you spitefully sped out and drove the rest of us into a blaze of glory, and now you're throwing a fit because Charlie told you no.”
Ivy shook their head. “Don't you think the rest of us would like to do that every now and then?
You ain't the only person in this world who wished they had a big red do over button, and could press it whenever they didn't want to exist anymore, and nothing else either.
But the difference is the rest of us realize how stupid that is, and we snapped out of it.
You tried to push that button. I can't forgive you for not wanting to hold on. Not one bit, precious.”
Ivy turned their back to me. “Now get out.”
Wasn’t more to say after that, was there?
I left, though once I was in the main hall that joined all the bedrooms, colors began swirling together.
The world tilted upon itself, shapes bending around me as items conjoined into singular objects instead of solitary pieces.
I became dizzy, bile rising in my throat as I felt sick.
There was shouting all around me, growing greater and greater and greater…
Loud. So loud.
I couldn’t take this. The divorce, the fight with Ivy, what I’d seen in the city… it broke me. I didn’t have any sanity left to give, but everything around me was demanding I sacrifice every last drop.
I was aware I was having some kind of mental breakdown, and was in crisis. I’d gone through this so many times I knew the best thing I could do right now was go to the palace hospital and get some help.
But my former breakdowns were never on this kind of scale.
I didn’t think any pill, treatment or therapy in the world would be enough to take away the guilt.
Takahashi was a counselor, and I knew he probably wanted to reach out, but not even he could work a miracle on the fucked-up kind of person I was.
I deserved to live in exile, banished from any kind of love or friendship I could receive for the rest of my life, because what I’d done was unforgivable.
I needed to be punished in the worst way there was.
I planned to do just that— to take what little I needed and leave Ilamanthe, find a place at the edge of the world and waste away while I waited for death.
At least then, others would be safe from me.
I didn’t give a damn if the Warden found me.
I didn’t have any power left, so he couldn’t use me anymore anyway, and if he killed me it would be a blessing, because others would be safe from me.
There was one problem. I couldn’t leave unless this divorce was granted, because otherwise, the monarchy would go looking for me and would drag me back here.
I didn’t need Charlie’s signature to leave him, but if he contested this divorce, this process could drag out for far longer than I could handle.
We could be in litigation for months or even years, going back and forth between lawyers and courtrooms endlessly.
He’d eventually wear me down and make it so I gave up.
I needed him to sign those papers, and it had to be right now.
The longer this went on, the more I'd lose the heart to do this, and I couldn't go through this agony anymore.
We had to split up before my feelings forced me to work it out, because no matter how much I loved Charlie, I couldn't forgive him this time.
But what was I going to do? He wasn't going to sign them. He'd drag out this process for as long as he could while he searched for ways to convince me to stay—
It dawned on me slowly. I came to a sickening realization. There was one thing Charlie wouldn't forgive. I was sure of it.
It churned my stomach to think about, but I had no options. He hadn't left me with any. If I wanted out of this, I needed to be unfaithful.
Ancestors. I nearly puked just thinking about it.
Infidelity was certainly a word I'd never thought would get anywhere near my marriage. Charlie was my one, my only.
Maybe that's why this was so painful. I was so dependent on him that I’d allowed him to become my whole world, and he'd shattered it.
Charlie wouldn't be able to take the thought of me sleeping with another guy. Once he found out, he’d completely lose it. He'd become disgusted with me, and kick me out. Then I’d be free to… do what?
Die of misery, probably. But at least it wouldn't be as painful as staying connected to a man who I insanely loved, yet had hurt me deeper than anyone else ever had.
I couldn't make up a lie. He’d know I wasn't being truthful. If this was the route I was taking, I had to see it through. I couldn’t handle the idea of fooling around with someone else, but I was desperate enough to consider anything.
I didn't want another guy inside of me. It was revolting. I was Charlie’s.
He'd really fucked with my head.
I shook myself out of it. Told my needy, submissive self that being with him wasn't an option anymore. He'd promised to protect me, then he'd destroyed me. I couldn't go crawling back to him, begging to please him no matter how much I desired to. This was my way of protecting myself.
Oberi wasn’t here to stop me. My friends weren’t here to talk me out of it. So I needed to go through with this, before I changed my mind and convinced myself there was still a chance we could work things out.
I made up my mind. I was doing this. Tonight.