Chapter 10
brEE
I shouldn’t do it. I shouldn’t have even let him in the house, but I can’t resist him.
Heck, if he wanted me, I would give in to him in an instant.
But he doesn’t want me. He’s just here out of guilt—and the fact that he’s a good and decent guy probably has something to do with it too.
But if I let him hold me, I just know I’m going to be hurt…
again. And hell, it’s been two years, and I’m still trying to put my heart back together again.
“This is a bad idea, Logan.”
He sighs. “I don’t have any ulterior motive here, Bree. I know you’re tired, you’re scared… and if you won’t tell me why, this is the only way I know I can help.”
I’m staring at his bare chest, remembering what it was like to touch him and feel his warmth. He’s right here, waiting for me to make the move, and I’m not strong enough to resist what he’s offering. Slowly I slide across the bed, and almost shyly, I lean into him.
On contact, he sucks in a breath and tenses. I freeze with my cheek pressed against his chest. It’s awkward with my body half against him, and I’m not sure what to do from here.
“Oh fuck,” he groans. He fixes the covers and moves underneath them, and then he hauls me toward him, wrapping his arms around me, threading our legs together like he used to, and I can’t help it.
I melt into him, reveling in the feel of his arms around me.
My mind quickly goes back to the past, lying in bed in my apartment in New York City with Logan by my side.
He held me like this every night we were together, and I remember thinking that I never wanted him to let me go.
His voice is hard. “Are you okay?”
I nod against his chest, unable to form the words for what I’m feeling, not that he’d want to know anyway.
If I thought he would listen, I would tell him everything, but fear stops me.
I don’t want him to get mad and walk away.
I need this night in his arms. I have been numb for so long, I just need to feel something right now.
“Bree, if this bothers you, I can leave.”
My arms tighten around him. “No, don’t go. Please don’t leave.”
I am not one to beg, but I would go down on my knees right now and plead with him to stay.
If I can only have this one night, I’ll take it.
There are so many things going through my head, and even though I know this is a bad idea, I’m not going to turn him away.
“I know I don’t deserve this, Logan, but I don’t want you to leave. ”
His tense body softens into the mattress, and he holds me to him.
I can feel and hear everything. His soft sigh, the thud of his heartbeat under my cheek, the warmth of his body, the way his fingers caress my back through my shirt.
They’re all tiny reminders of what I had and what is no longer mine.
His chin caresses the top of my head. “You going to be able to sleep?”
“Honestly?” I ask.
He nods. “Yeah, honestly. That’s all I want from you, Bree. No more lies.”
I clench my eyes together. He’s right. I lied to him two years ago.
There’s so much he doesn’t know about me, and I’m afraid even if I told him all of it, he wouldn’t care.
He’d still want nothing to do with me. So I go with the here and now.
“I want to sleep. I really do. I want to be able to just close my eyes and go off to la la land, but another part of me doesn’t want to.
” I suck in a breath and then blurt out everything I’m feeling right now.
“I don’t want to miss lying in your arms or feeling your body against mine.
I don’t want to miss that soft cooing noise you make right before you drift off to sleep.
I don’t want to miss any of it, Logan… because I know that this is it.
Tomorrow, we’ll both act like you weren’t in my bed, that we didn’t sleep in each other’s arms. I just… I don’t want to miss it. Ya know?”
He sighs softly and hugs me to him. “I know, Bree.” He’s silent for a few seconds, and then his deep voice fills the room.
“I wish things were different for us, but there’s no going back.
The only thing we can hope for is some kind of friendship, honey.
That’s all I can offer you because you broke me.
Fuck, you broke me so badly that I’ll never be the same, and I can’t do that to myself again. I won’t.”
My heart hurts. This is pure fuckin’ torture, but I don’t care.
Instead of pulling away or guarding my heart like I know I should, I lean into him even more.
I commit it all to memory. Every feeling, every thought, every way he makes me feel because if this is the last time he holds me, I’m not going to waste it.
I’m going to relish it. I put my hand to his chest and start to ramble.
My fingers trace across his skin, and little goosebumps pop up.
“I know you don’t want to hear it. There’s things you don’t know about me, and it’s not an excuse, but if you knew them, it might make my betrayal easier to understand. ”
His voice is grave. “You kissed another man, Bree, and for the rest of my life I’ll have that image in my head.” He sucks in a deep breath and slowly blows it out. “Go to sleep, okay?”
I close my eyes and think back to our past. We were so good together.
From the instant I saw him in that bodega, I felt a special bond with him.
We dated for months. He was on a mission there, and we were lucky because we were able to spend so much time together.
We knew it would end, but when his mission was over, he didn’t leave.
He stayed in town, and we continued to date.
At that time, I couldn’t leave the city, but I knew eventually, when I was able, I would follow him wherever he wanted to go.
I yawn and feel myself falling into slumber. I fight it hard, but so many sleepless nights are catching up with me, and when I finally do go to sleep, tucked into Logan’s arms, I’m ready for it.
I don’t wake until the sun has come up, and I’m in my bed alone.
I stretch my arms and legs out, then look at the pillow next to my head.
There’s an indentation, but any hopes that Logan is still here are slowly dashed.
He’s gone. I don’t even have to lift my head to look or call out his name. I know he’s gone.
I lie back on the pillow and think about the night before. He didn’t have to come, and he didn’t have to stay, but he did. He mentioned us being friends, and I grimace replaying his words in my head. I don’t want to be friends with him. I want so much more.
I lift up to my elbows and can’t help but smile. I slept through the night. I didn’t have one nightmare, and I know I have Logan to thank for that.
I reach for my phone that is plugged in on the nightstand. I unplug it and look at the time and then shoot up in bed. Nine o’clock! I slept until nine o’clock. My alarm didn’t even go off.
I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom. I’m glad I showered last night because I’m going to have to rush to get to work. I dial Logan’s number frantically. “Logan!”
He’s on high alert. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I overslept. I’m so sorry. I’ll be there as soon as I can. The alarm didn’t go off and—”
He cuts me off. “Bree, stop. It’s Saturday. There’s no work today. I turned off your alarm because I knew you had probably set it and I wanted you to get as much sleep as you could. I left you a note.”
I gasp and walk back into the bedroom, looking for a note. I grip the phone tighter as I walk into the kitchen and spot it on the counter. “You turned off my alarm?”
His voice is husky. “Yeah, you were sleeping so good, I wanted to let you rest.”
I scan the note he left me. Hey Bree. I know you’re going to be in a full blown panic this morning when you find out I turned off your alarm. Take the day off. I know you’ve been working weekends and you should take the weekend off. Logan
“Bree, you there?”
I hold the note in my hand. He wrote it on a Post-it note that he must have gotten from my desk. “Yeah, I’m here. Thank you again. For last night, I mean.”
I hang up before I do something stupid like tell him I still love him.
I toss my phone onto the counter and lean my head back with my eyes clenched closed.
Last night was the best night of sleep I’ve had in a long time.
It’s hard to tell how tonight is going to go, but at least I got one good night’s rest. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today if I’m not going to the office, but I know I need to get ready for Monday when I face the man whose heart I broke and who I would give anything to have love me again.