Chapter 42 Freija
Freija
That same evening, clad in a black mourning dress adorned with lace, I called to order my first council meeting. Curious gazes stared back at me as I took Father’s old spot at the head of the table. I stared to the other end and found Halvar giving me a reassuring look.
Brushing my hand over my forehead, I steeled my spine and began. “Thank you for coming so soon after your evening meals. I have a lot I want to discuss with you all, but first I wanted to take a moment of silence in honor of my father.”
Nods flitted around the room, and stillness descended.
I breathed deeply, focusing on long inhales and even longer exhales. Dust motes danced around the rays of light cast from the sconces and light orbs floating around the ceiling like butterflies. There was a beauty in the movem—
“—We have started preparations for the funeral and coronation,” Thyra said, breaking the silence before I’d given anyone leave to do so.
Who—
“Yes, you needn’t worry about a thing,” Birger added with a gentle smile.
“It’s best you focus on grieving,” Karl-Mogens said.
What is happening?
People started talking over one another, and I didn’t know where to turn. How was this meeting getting out of hand so quickly?
Halvar thumped his fist against the table, drawing the talking to an abrupt close. Once everyone had turned their attention to him, he said, “I believe the Queen had some things she wished to discuss with you.”
Heads swiveled back to where I slowly sank into my chair. “I wanted to discuss updates on the kidnapping threats.”
“We will focus on the threats once this is all over,” Thyra said with a gentle tilt of her head. “These events are more important now.”
“No, I think it would be wise to discuss stronger security measures in light of increased attacks and the accusations…” I looked to Halvar who shook his head.
“What accusations?” Karl-Mogens asked.
“I…” Why didn’t Halvar want me to bring it up? There had to be a good reason, and I trusted the man. “I think we should revisit the threats sooner rather than later considering we lost two brave soldiers in Egersund due to an attack.”
“Their losses are deeply saddening,” Birger said with a solemn tone. “We can certainly discuss increased security for the coronation. Do you have plans in place, General?”
“We do,” Halvar replied. “There will be more guards at all entry points and an increase in Queen Freija’s protection detail starting tomorrow morning.”
“That’s good,” I piped up. We’d have to bring up the leadership comment another time. Perhaps once Halvar and I had a moment to privately discuss potential suspects, because right now every single person around this table could be the culprit. The thought of which sent a shiver down my back.
Halvar gave me a small but near imperceptible nod as if he could read my mind.
“Is there anything else you wanted to discuss with us?” Thyra asked.
“Yes, how did your research go?” Birger added.
I straightened in my seat, bolstered by the confidence Halvar had instilled in me during our voyage from Grim. “It went extremely well. I have found a wonderful solution to our resources problem that should serve us and future generations for centuries to come.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Marvelous.”
“What is it?”
“Can’t be simple.”
My head bounced from one comment to the other, before I raised my hands and interjected. “It entails cultivating crops within the mountain by using light, among other things, and a potential working agreement with the Forest Fae.”
I still needed to bring it to Ragnhild and her father, but considering the goal and King Thorleif’s views, I would be surprised if he rejected the proposal of sharing some Forest Fae to help us with seedlings and educational opportunities.
“With increased internal operations, we could feed the people residing in this mountain for centuries. I even have some crop suggestions including fae-bred species that could help us increase nourishment intake.”
“That might be getting ahead of ourselves,” Marthe said, brushing aside my excitement. “With the heavy amount of work that all would entail, I think we can circle back to that another time.”
Several people nodded in agreement, and my confidence burst. We were back to their usual dismissals of my work and contributions to this mountain. I felt like a child being patted on the head and told to run along while the adults worked.
“What about your courtship with Hans? Where do we stand with that?” Karl-Mogens asked.
My shoulders slumped and my hands started to tremble beneath the table. “That ended before I left.” Hadn’t I told them that? Or perhaps it was just Mother? Through the growing sadness, defeat, and lingering grief, I couldn’t remember. “I… I have found another.”
The entire room gasped save for one man.
“Who?”
“Do we know him?”
“Was he on the list?”
I waved my hands in frustration. “He wasn’t on the damn list.”
Everyone stopped talking and looked at me with concern creasing their brows.
“It would be an unconventional match, but I care for him deeply,” I said, keeping my eyes locked on the man across from me. It was bold and brave to do so, but it was true.
“You know we cannot approve someone who doesn’t meet with traditional standards,” Thyra said. “The Fjell Fae wouldn’t accept it.”
My head whipped to her and I wanted to snap back with, them or you? Because this entire meeting was falling apart.
“Let’s adjourn for the day,” Halvar said as if he could sense my frustration from across the table.
“Let’s,” I said and rose from my chair. Annoyance and grief laced my tone as I said, “Meeting adjourned. It seems like we need to discuss everything at another time.”
A weight settled on my chest and I didn’t wait to see the council members reactions to my departure, all I wanted to do was get out of there as fast as possible.
I swept through the throne room, down the bustling tunnels, and aimed for my chambers all without taking in my surroundings or the condolences of passersby.
What had I expected? The Council had always treated me like I didn’t belong among them.
Apparently that wasn’t going to change now that I was queen.
How could I have been so foolish? How could I have thought that they would listen to my reports and be excited?
Half of them hadn’t wanted me to venture south in the first place. What could I do?
I took a shallow breath and tried to swallow the growing lump in my throat to no avail.
Heavy footsteps strode along behind me, matching my frantic pace as I tried to get away from everyone. Him. Halvar. What had I been thinking—that they’d accept any sort of relationship between us? Tradition, tradition, tradition. Why couldn’t I make my own damn traditions?
Whatever I ended up doing, first I needed some space to rid myself of the emotional volcano about to erupt. And I needed to be by myself.
We rounded the corner and finally reached my room.
“I wish to be alone,” I mumbled as I twisted the doorknob.
“Very well, Your Majesty,” Halvar said, having followed me all the way here.
Without looking back, I shut the door behind me, stumbled toward my bed, and sobbed.
Sometime later, Ragnhild appeared through the waterworks and wrapped her arms around me where I crouched beside my bed. “Shhh, shhh, shhh. It will all be well.”
My entire body trembled as I gingerly rose to my feet. “It can’t be. It won’t ever be. Every time I try… everything I do is in vain.”
“Not true.”
I pushed out of her hold and stumbled back toward the fireplace, tears staining my face and lump lodged in my throat.
I felt like the mountain, my world, was crumbling down around me—boulders and shards crushing the air from my lungs.
“I’m losing everything. No Father. No food resources.
No respect from a council who is supposed to serve and advise me, not the other way around. ”
A gigantic sob stopped my melancholic monologue.
“Then there’s him.”
“Him?”
I nodded and brushed my palms across my wet cheeks. “They won’t approve. They will never approve. And all I want… Ancestors, Ragnhild, all I want to do is rule well and have him by my side.”
She took a step back and sat on the edge of my bed while mumbling a swear word.
“But no,” I continued. “Everything I do, no matter how perfect it is or how damn hard I’ve worked on it… Nothing ever goes my way. And I’m tired, Ragnhild. I’m so tired of being told what to do and how to do it and when to do it in order to appease others.”
That was the crux of the matter.
They didn’t value my opinion nor respect me. My life was governed by them.
I really am going to die in this mountain without ever having lived.
Anger, frustration, and grief took hold of me like weeds tangling into the roots of a flower, intent on killing it, and I slumped to my knees. My dress spilled out around me like a pool of despair.
Ragnhild padded over and plopped onto the floor. “We will figure this out,” she said gently and stroked my back. “And you have me. You will always have me and I will always stand by you no matter what.”
I nodded, but tears continued streaming down my face.
“We will figure everything out,” she repeated. “I promise.”