32|What Is Love?
I settled between his leg, my bare back pressing gently against his chest.
He didn't move.
He allowed me to find my place.
The water was warm and comforting, smelling like lavender.
I let out a soft breath, tilting my head back until it rested against his shoulder.
Neither of us said a word.
His hands moved instinctively, skimming along my waist, grounding himself in my shape.
I just keep thinking about what Kate said.
"I want you to fuck me," I said out loud.
His hands loosened from around me as he looked down at me confused. "What?"
I grabbed his hand, trying pull him out of the bath, but he didn't move.
"Come on, fuck me like you did last night."
But he didn't move.
His gaze lingered on me, searching for something I couldn't give him.
"Naomi..."
"What?" I asked, sharper now. "You don't want me?"
"I do, but-"
"Then fuck me," I said. "Show me that you care about me."
He gave me a pitiful look. "Naomi, us having sex is not the way to show you that I care."
I scoffed before standing up and getting out of the bath.
Of course, I get the pity look.
"Whatever," I said as I wrapped my towel around me. "I'm not turned on anymore."
He stood up too and followed behind me as he wrapped his towel around his waist.
"Nae, where is this coming from?"
I didn't answer him.
I just stared at the mirror, at my own reflection.
My twists were wet and dripping on my shoulders, my towel barely hanging on.
I felt him step behind me.
His hand slammed down on my waist, hard enough to leave bruises.
He bent me over the sink, my towel slipping off as his breath hit the back of my neck.
"This is what you want?" He bitterly asked. "Is this the only way you think I can show you love?"
"Yes," I replied without hesitation.
I lowered my head and waited for him to penetrate me, but he never did.
Instead, he stepped back and wrapped my towel around me.
"Then I've failed you as a husband," he said and I instantly straightened as I turned to face him.
"What?" I whispered, disbelief and hurt.
"Pointless fucking isn't love, Naomi," he said. "And I'm sorry if I ever made you think it was."
I watched him silently, not knowing how to feel.
He ran a hand through his damp hair, avoiding my gaze.
Knowing Nate, his brain was probably racing a hundred miles an hour as hundreds of thoughts attacked him.
"So this is where we went wrong in our marriage," he revealed. "It had nothing to do with Eden. We were ruined way before her."
I could see all the guilt on his face, but I'm the one who should've been feeling guilty.
It was me who didn't know how to love.
He shouldn't have felt obligated to teach me.
I swallowed hard, the truth burning my chest.
I knew it was shameless of me, but I asked anyways. "Then what is?"
He snapped out of his thoughts to give me his full attention. "What?"
"Then what is it?" I asked. "What is love?"
He hesitated, his jaw tightening as if the answer was both too simple and too complicated.
After a very long pause, he finally spoke up.
"Love isn't pain disguised as passion," he started. "It's not control or obsession or some competition."
"It's...knowing someone's soul and still choosing them everyday," he continued. "It's when you're still able to smile when you think about them, even if you two had an intense fight minutes before."
"It's the reason your heart ached intensely when you saw them crying at your daughter's grave," he ended as he looked at me.
Shivers immediately rushed down my spine as it clicked. "You were there?"
He nodded silently, the pain plastered all over his face.
I looked down, feeling embarrassed, but he pulled me into a hug.
"Why don't we get dressed and go cuddle?" He asked softly and I nodded.
...
We had been lying on the bed for the past half hour in complete silence.
It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't exactly comfortable either.
His hand found mine in the dark and I didn't pull away.
"Kate got to my head today," I admitted softly, remembering that I promised him that I wouldn't walk away again.
Before he could say anything, I continued.
"I know you said not to make her, but I did anyway," I explained myself. "We kept arguing the whole day."
"It's so difficult to work with her on this Perez case," I sighed, rubbing my forehead.
"Do you need me to talk to Russell or Harris?" He asked.
"No," I immediately said to him with a glare. "That's literally the last thing I need right now."
"Kate would have a field day," I sighed, already getting a headache about the potential aftermath. "She already thinks I'm only where I am because of you."
"That's not true," he said. "You chose your own path and worked your way up."
"I know," I told him. "But Kate begs to differ."
"I'm still mad at you for going behind my back and threatening Russell to hire me," I bitterly muttered, knowing he had no remorse.
He kissed my cheek. "But you're happy now, aren't you?"
I rolled around to face him. "Yes, but I wanted to fight for my spot myself."
"I didn't want to be known as the new girl who hid behind her husband and let him fight her battles," I explained.
He silently stared at me, still not getting the importance of my statement.
"You're so annoying," I rolled my eyes before turning my back to him again.
"Nae, it's not that I don't get it," he said. "I just don't see the point. You get the same result either way."
I let out a dry laugh. "Of course you don't."
There was a beat of silence, thick and uncomfortable.
"You think outcomes are all that matter," I said, my voice low. "But for me, the process matters too."
"The fight matters."
"I needed to feel like I belonged there, not like you bought me a seat at the table."
He shifted behind me, his hand brushing my arm like he wanted to comfort me, but I pulled away.
"You made it look like I couldn't do it without you. Like I needed saving."
He sighed. "I was just trying to help."
"Yeah, well... next time, don't."
I blinked hard, fighting the burn in my eyes. "Let me fail. Let me struggle. Let me earn it. That's all I ever wanted."
He didn't respond, and that silence, his silence, said everything.
Because he still didn't get it.
And maybe he never would.