33|All Because
As she walked past me, I stood up.
She immediately rolled her eyes when she saw me.
I grabbed her waist and pulled her flush against me.
Her body was still buzzing with adrenaline which felt warm and electric.
She had just won a case, being feisty as ever against the prosecution.
I leaned in, our lips almost touching.
I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I remembered where we were.
"I'm sorry," I apologized for the millionth time.
She looked at me unamused before pulling away. "No, you're not."
I sighed, scratching my head.
"I've known you for seven years, Nate. I can tell when you regret doing something, so stop lying," she said angrily.
"Then what do you want me to do?" I snapped.
She crossed her arms, jaw clenched. "I want you to own it."
I looked around the courtroom. It was still full.
"Naomi," I sighed.
"No," she said firmly. "I don't want you to brush this off like you do everything else."
"Just own it," she demanded.
I stared at her, my chest tightening. "I thought I was helping you."
"You weren't," she was quick to answer. "You were helping yourself."
"You couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't perfect."
"That's not true," I told her.
"Then prove it," she said as her eyes became glassy. "Let me be who I am without trying to fix me whenever you get uncomfortable."
Seeing the tears in her eyes and pain in her voice from something I did years ago pained me.
She had quietly carried that hurt.
So gracefully that I didn't even notice.
Fuck.
Partner.
I went behind her back again to make her partner.
She discreetly wiped her tears so the other people in the room wouldn't see them.
God, what kind of husband am I?
"I'm sorry," I said, my heart and words heavy now. "I just wanted to make you happy."
"You came home crying so much that day that it scared me."
"I thought I was protecting you," I continued. "But maybe I was just protecting myself from watching you get hurt."
"You're so infuriating," she said bitterly, but her actions were completely opposite from her words because she stepped closer and hugged me.
I softly kissed her forehead before wrapping my arms around her, my guilt heightened as ever.
"I should go prep for the Perez case," she mumbled in my chest. "The prosecutor is such a bitch."
I laughed at her insult against me as I slowly let her out, although I didn't want to.
"See you at home?" I said and she smiled.
"See you at home," she responded before rushing out of the courtroom.
I stood at there, staring at the door long after she left.
Her image stained my mind.
That breathtaking smile of hers, the fire in her eyes, even the way she said home...
Shit.
I can't mess things up with her anymore.
I checked the time on my watch, realizing it was probably time for me to get back to the office and begin my preparations for the Perez case.
It seemed like an easy enough win.
Naomi and Kate were put in a tough spot because all the evidence clearly pointed to Perez.
I shook my head before making my way outside.
When I did, a quiet familiar figure was standing near the steps, anxiously shifting.
A member from the program.
I recognized him immediately.
Paul.
Nice guy.
Always early to meetings and always first to offer someone a ride home.
"Nathaniel," he called, his voice low, but urgent.
I frowned, stepping closer. "Hey. What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Need to talk?"
He shook his head. "I've been trying to call. Your assistant said you were in court."
"Yeah," I nodded as I pulled out my phone and powered it on. "Had my phone off in court."
Paul's face tightened. "It's about your sponsee Julian."
Something in my chest dropped.
"What about him?" I asked, though I think I could've pieced together the answers from his eyes.
"He died this morning. Car accident."
He hesitated, then added. "He was heading home from a bar."
I stood there frozen.
Dammit.
He was probably still hooked from a few weeks back.
I hadn't checked up on him or gone to any meetings for a few weeks either.
I'd been too wrapped up in my own mess, trying to focus on my marriage.
Paul put a hand on my shoulder.
"It's not your fault, Nathaniel. The guy wasn't even trying anymore."
I nodded numbly. "Yeah. Thanks."
He gave me a sad smile and walked off, leaving me alone on the courthouse steps.
I checked the time, but the numbers on my watch blurred.
I was supposed to be heading back to prep for the Perez case.
It should've felt like a win waiting to happen.
Instead, all I could think about was all the people I've lost.
First my mother, then Eden, now Julian?
It's like I curse the people I care about to death.
I began to feel an instant headache as I remembered Julian's face.
I promised him that I would check up on him and keep him in line.
Dammit!
I promised him that I'd get him cleaned up, so that he could go back to his wife.
My feet began walking on their own accord as I thought about all the broken promises I made him.
I promised him that he would be walking through the front door sober with his head held high.
And now he'll never get the chance.
Call me anytime.
I used that line with him over and over.
And he did call me.
I was just too busy.
Too tired.
Too caught up in my own world to remember that his world was still fragile and needed help.
Now his world was gone.
All because of me.
All because I keep claiming to be this hero.
All because I keep clinging to this illusion that I can juggle it all.
That I can be everything for everyone.
The greatest prosecutor.
The best sponsor.
A devoted husband.
I thought I would never drop the ball again.
But I did.
I dropped him.
And now his wife doesn't get a second chance.
His kids don't get the dad coming home sober.
All that's left is a body in a morgue and a number I'll never see light up my screen again.
I keep telling myself I have things under control, but I know I don't.
And today proves it.
If I did, Julian wouldn't be dead.
I stopped walking.
Somehow my feet landed me right in front of a bar.
This felt too familiar.
I stared at the door blankly.
My throat was dry.
My something felt empty.
My sole felt empty, and I knew the quickest way of filling it.
"Oh, fuck me," I groaned before pushing the door open and stepping inside.