Chapter Thirty-Five
Grace found Annie leaning on the wall outside the radio studio, her hands on her knees, head hanging.
‘I’m sorry we pushed you into that,’ said Grace, resting a hand on Annie’s shoulder. ‘It was unfair.’
‘What’s unfair is me letting you all down.’ Annie sounded furious. ‘I love doing this with you all, but I couldn’t even pull myself together for a few minutes to do my part.’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself,’ said Grace. ‘You’re allowed an off day.’
Annie shook her head. ‘No. It’s not on. I wish …
’ She paused and stared across the road as a bus pulled into the stop.
There was a creak as the doors opened and people spilled out onto the pavement then wandered in the direction of town.
She glanced at Grace then back to her feet.
‘I planned to work out what I wanted to say about my books yesterday, but Jack and I started talking.’ She sighed.
‘He did most of the talking, to be fair. He told me about how he feels, how sometimes, when he opens his eyes in the morning, he’s sorry he’s still here. ’
She covered her eyes. ‘It’s so awful. I didn’t realize how disappointed he is with his life.
I suppose I thought he was just tootling along like I am, I mean I haven’t set the world alight, but I’m happy enough.
More than that, a lot of the time. But yesterday he told me that even before he lost his job, he was starting to think, is this it?
Is this all life’s amounted to? He said when he was young, he had ideas of what the future would be like, and he had dreams. Nothing big, but he thought by fifty-seven we’d at least be mortgage free, and we’d be going on lovely holidays and eating out whenever we wanted, but all we’ve got is debts and the furthest we ever went was Tenerife.
The thing is, I couldn’t even argue with him.
It’s like he’s opened my eyes to how miserable and pathetic our little life is. ’
Grace wanted to argue, wanted to tell Annie that a small life isn’t a bad one, or wasted, not if you’re contented in it. But Annie wasn’t content. Not anymore. All she could do was listen and wish her friend could see how valued she was.
A car pulled up and a man in a black T-shirt jumped out of the back. He nodded to them, then punched in the code to enter the building and disappeared through the door. The car pulled away abruptly, causing a taxi to beep its horn.
‘It was hard to hear all that. I mean, I’m his wife.
’ Annie dropped her hand and stared down at the grubby concrete.
‘If he’s thinking his life is so disappointing, then he’s including me in that, isn’t he?
When I said that to him, he cried. He said he hadn’t meant to hurt me and that was another example of how he messed everything up.
He said he thought I’d be happier if he wasn’t around, that he’d be doing us both a favour if he did away with himself. ’
‘Oh, Annie, I’m so sorry you’re both going through this.’ Tears brimmed in Grace’s eyes but she held them back. She needed to be strong for Annie.
‘I’m not, am I?’ said Annie. ‘It’s him who’s suffering.’
‘From where I’m standing, you are too.’ Grace pulled Annie towards her and hugged her tightly. ‘Are you worried about Jack while you’re here?’
Annie drew back, wiping tears from her cheeks.
‘No. Barbara next door is sitting with him. Well, she’s downstairs and he’s in bed.
She’s got her crocheting and she’ll be fine until I get back, but you shouldn’t have to be so scared about your husband harming himself that you get in a babysitter, should you?
He’d be mortified if he knew, but he won’t come downstairs, and I’ve taken everything that could be dangerous away … How the hell did we get to this point?’
‘He still won’t go to the doctors?’
‘That’s what started the discussion yesterday,’ Annie said. ‘I told him it was time, that we couldn’t go on like this.’
‘And what did he say?’
‘He laughed. It was this awful bitter laugh that didn’t sound like my Jack at all.
He said I didn’t get it, that this was a normal reaction to what was going on in the world.
He asked whether I’d seen the news? The world is a bin fire, and he was having a perfectly normal response to that.
It’s the people who have a smile on their faces that should see a doctor. They’re the delusional ones.’
‘Oh, love.’ Grace didn’t have a better response.
‘And he’s not even wrong, is he?’ Annie stood up straight and stretched her long arms over her head.
‘I couldn’t even argue with him. I hardly slept last night with it all going around in my head, and now I feel like there’s a weight in my middle, like a really heavy sadness that’s pulling me down. ’
‘What can I do?’ said Grace, desperate to stop the pain she could see engulfing her friend.
‘I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do,’ said Annie. ‘This too shall pass.’ She gazed imploringly at Grace. ‘It will pass, won’t it?’
‘It will,’ said Grace, silently adding, but possibly not without help.
But how do you help an adult who refuses to help themselves?
That question lassoed her heart and tugged, as Annie insisted she left her out there to get some air, while Grace went back inside to do the scheduled interview with Toby she had no choice but to try to smile through.