Chapter Nineteen #2
I swallow as warm, soft kisses on my neck turn my knees to jelly, making me forget who and where I am. My heart beats in sync with John’s and I’ve never wanted anything more than I want this. Him.
But then, like clockwork, the intrusive thoughts slip in. I try to push them away, squeezing my eyes shut.
This is wrong.
They would be so ashamed.
No one will want you if you do this.
He’s just using you.
You’re a slut.
Bad things will happen if you let this continue.
“Hey,” John says, his eyes level with mine. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I remove my top then take his hand and lead him to the bed.
I lie down and John lowers himself onto me, carefully.
I pull at his shirt, helping him remove it, as if I’m unwrapping the biggest present under the Christmas tree.
My fingers caress the skin of his bare chest and I’m weak taking him in.
His cheeks flush watching me. It’s all so vulnerable and intense, but I don’t want to hold back anymore.
John places one arm around me and grabs my thigh with his other hand.
He kisses my neck, then my shoulders, then just below my collarbone.
I bite on my lip, shutting my eyes and absorbing every single touch.
You’re not the only teenage girl who does this.
Andie does this.
Georgie does this.
Paulina is the result of this.
John has done this with other girls.
There are probably people doing this right now, under this roof, in different rooms.
This is okay.
You can do this.
You don’t need to feel bad about it.
He loves you.
You love him.
I press my fingers into his back, pulling him in closer.
Feeling brave or confident, or maybe just ready, I bring my hands to his waistband and unbutton his jeans.
He stops kissing me, his eyes searching mine, like he’s making sure.
I nod, and then he nods in agreement before kissing me harder.
I need to remove the layers between us. I want to feel all of him against all of me.
John slides his jeans off and I thrust my hips up slightly, removing mine at the same time.
We’re both down to our underwear, and his body covers mine like a warm blanket. A tingle pulses between my legs as I watch his eyes flick across my body. Our kisses are needy, almost desperate, and my pulse reacts by thumping like a horde of happy elephants.
I don’t feel pressured: to say the right thing, to do more than I’m comfortable with, or to act a certain way. All of that is gone, and I just want to exist in this moment with him.
“Is it okay…?” He pauses, then looks down.
I nod again, then say, “Yes,” to absolve us of any misunderstandings.
His hand finds its way to my inner thigh, and I can no longer think.
His fingers feel like visitors to a foreign country.
Each touch is new and more intense than the last. As he moves around me, I can barely catch my breath.
It’s all so fast and uncontrolled. I turn my head, burying my face into the pillow to muffle my heavy breathing.
One hand grasps the side of the bed, while the other hangs limply, trying to take in every single touch, reminding myself to just be.
Just be.
When the roller coaster subsides, John’s eyes freeze on mine before placing a gentle kiss on my lips. Still, butterflies.
“I…” John begins before brushing his lips over mine. I run my hand down his bare back, wishing I could freeze this moment. John opens his mouth to speak but a heavy knock at the bedroom door breaks the spell.
“Shit,” John says, leaping off the bed.
“Who’s in there?” Theo shouts from behind the door, the knob rattling.
John grabs my clothes off the floor and passes them to me. As I’m getting dressed, he ducks into Theo’s bathroom. I can hear him splashing water on his face.
“What should we do?” I whisper, straightening Theo’s sheets and myself out.
John uses his shirt to dry his face before pulling it back on.
“Why is this door locked?” Theo shouts again, frustration seeping through the walls.
The tone of his voice makes me freeze in this moment. I hear my dad. Feel his presence. How does he know? How does he always know?
“Lennon? Lennon?”
“Huh?” I manage, returning to the present.
“It’s okay. Open the door,” John says, blinking repeatedly.
I swallow, then walk past John both shakily and quickly. When I open the door, Theo and Andie are standing on the other side.
Theo storms right past me to find John by the foot of his bed. “Did you have sex on my bed?”
“No,” I say, my eyes meeting Andie’s. The truth. “We were just talking.” A lie.
“Bullshit,” Theo says, ripping his curtains open.
“Relax,” Andie responds.
“Why are you even here?” Theo snaps at her. “I invited Lennon. Not you.” Theo’s tone is scorching, but I know his anger is directed at John and me.
“Fine. I’ll leave,” Andie says. “Lennon?” she asks, expecting me to follow. But the fading adrenaline has made me jittery. And weak.
“Apologize,” John says, stepping to Theo. “You can’t speak to people that way. Drunk or not.”
“You’d be the expert, right?”
John shakes his head. “Andie has the right idea. Lennon?”
“I’ll be right there,” I say to John while looking at Theo. I wait for Theo’s eyes to find mine. He’s better than this and he knows it.
John’s jaw clenches before he exhales loudly. He hesitates, his eyes moving between mine and Theo’s. I give him a reassuring nod, and he responds with a tight-lipped smile as he follows Andie out of the room.
“I gave your father my word that you’d be safe here. Looked after,” Theo says once they’re gone. His eyes shift to his slightly mussed up bed.
“I didn’t realize you were on babysitting duty.” I cross my arms in front of me.
“This is my bedroom. How do you think it makes me feel knowing you were in here with him?”
“It’s not like…” I inhale then exhale. “We didn’t have sex.”
“I’m not an idiot, Lennon.”
“I wouldn’t do that in here, on your bed.” I say the words because I mean them, but I’m not sure if I believe them.
“You shouldn’t do it here or anywhere else with him. He’s not for you.”
“He’s not for me?” I repeat. “Do you realize how much you sound like my father? You’re a snob, just like he is. But worse, because isn’t John supposed to be your best friend?”
“And yet I thought we were friends. Or at least trying to be.”
“We are. But I don’t need your protection. I have enough people in my life protecting me. It’s suffocating. I thought you got that.”
Theo’s body unstiffens, slightly. “You really didn’t have sex with him?”
“No. Not that I owe you details about my personal life,” I say, wrapping my cardigan around my body.
He breathes out slowly as his eyes meet mine again. Softer. Kinder. “Sorry for blowing up at you. I’ve had a lot to drink.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” I say. “Do you want me to bring Andie back?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t care about her.”
“Theo.”
He takes an intentional step so he’s standing directly across from me. “I don’t care about Andie or any other girl. I only care about you.”
“What?” My stomach sinks as the cold rush of adrenaline returns. Where did this come from? “You don’t mean that. You’re just drunk.”
Theo brings up a hand and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear before following it down to where it ends.
My heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest as he sweeps his fingers across my waistline.
I don’t understand what’s happening. I was confident John was wrong.
Did I lead Theo to believe I could feel the same?
Could I? Theo’s vulnerability, his eyes, his touch, all of it is making it harder than it should be for me to walk away.
To tell him to stop. To tell him I don’t feel the same. Because I don’t.
“I have to go,” I say, taking a step back. “Just sleep it off.”
“Lennon,” Theo says, his lips quivering. He drops to the floor and begins to cry, his hands cradling his head. “I don’t want to be alone. My dad…” His voice trails off.
I kneel next to him, taking his hand in mine as he rocks back and forth. “It’s okay. I’ll stay with you.”
He lets out a loud, heaving sob, and I grab his hand tighter while running my other hand up and down his back. I can’t leave him here like this, so I stay.
My phone lights up on the floor next to me. A text from Andie telling me she’s waiting outside and called her mom to come get us early, and one from John asking me to meet him.
I tell Andie I’ll meet her in a few minutes. I tell John that Theo needs me.
Andie responds.
John doesn’t.