Chapter Twenty January 8
Chapter Twenty
I’ve changed.
And I haven’t changed.
I feel bad.
But I also feel good.
I promise myself never again.
And then I practice all the ways I can bring up the subject of us to John. Not the us that tries to figure out what we are to each other. That’s a conversation that feels endless and exhausting and not really that much fun. But the us we were on New Year’s.
With winter break over, I figure enough time has passed that we can talk again.
Face-to-face. Any more time that stretches between us will only make an already awkward situation even more awkward.
All our texts since that night have been muted.
Whenever I message him, he’s about to “head out” or he’ll “get back to you asap” but then… crickets.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother.
And then I close my eyes and picture his mouth on mine, and it all becomes clear.
A spark. Magic. Fireworks.
“We need to talk,” I say as John heads out of the boys’ changeroom. I rushed to catch him as soon as class was over, not even bothering to switch out of my gym clothes first.
A few guys come out behind him, and he takes my hand, moving us out of the way.
“You’re pissed, right? Because I stayed with Theo? It was only for a few minutes. I left with Andie right after. I couldn’t find you.”
“We talked about this,” John says, his eyes struggling to meet mine.
“No,” I say, assertively. “Not really. We texted and you responded with short sentences, which isn’t talking. But it did send a message.”
I can almost see him grit his teeth. “What message?”
“That you’re pissed at me.”
“Well, I’m not, so you can check that worry off your list,” John says, straightening while simultaneously laying the foundation to build a brick wall between us.
But I knock it down, taking another step closer. “He needed someone, and I was there. We’re barely even friends.”
“Lennon, don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
He runs a hand through his wet hair, releasing a labored breath. “Insult my intelligence. You and Theo are more than just barely friends.”
“My parents got friendly with his mom after the baptism. So now he’s, like, tied to me via my family, which makes it harder to ignore him.”
“Are you trying to ignore him?” he asks, slightly lowering his head, bringing his eyes level with mine.
“Okay,” I say, looking to the ceiling for a moment.
“Ignore isn’t the right word. It’s just…
he’s your friend and I’m your friend and Andie wanted to be ‘friends’ with Theo, so it’s kind of difficult to navigate all of you without bumping into each other, so to speak,” I say, shrugging at my poor attempt to explain things.
“Want to know what I think?” he asks, crossing his arms.
“Yes!” I say, mirroring him.
“I don’t think Theo needed someone that night. I think he needed you.”
My arms drop at his words. “How was I supposed to walk away from someone who was on the floor, crying about his dead father?”
“I didn’t know it was that bad,” John says, his brows furrowed in concern.
“It was.”
His jaw visibly clenches as he takes a moment to choose his next words. “He’s into you.”
I wave off his accusation. I really wish he would stop saying that. It sometimes feels like he’s trying to force us together. And I already have one man in my life doing that.
“The thing is,” I begin, cranking my neck, “my father hired Theo to tutor me in algebra. Just until my exam at the end of the month.” I rock back and forth on my heels, trying to read John’s face.
“I don’t regret what you and I did on New Year’s Eve.
” The words spill out of me as the last-period bell rings.
Neither of us budge as the remaining students rush off to class, leaving us alone in the hall.
John’s eyes flick up before landing on mine, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Me neither.”
I breathe in before taking another step closer. “I think about it. All the time.”
“You think about ‘it’ all the time?”
“It. You. Us,” I clarify.
He bites down on his lip, shaking his head slightly. “We can’t be having this conversation here.” His gaze sweeps across my face as his open-mouthed grin taunts me. “I think about it all the time too. And I also think about what might have happened if Theo hadn’t interrupted us.”
“Do you think we would have…” I pause, swallowing down a nervous flutter, “kept going?”
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “You and me, it’s like making a pie with all the wrong ingredients, but somehow when it comes together, it’s the best pie I’ve ever had.”
“What’re you saying?” I ask, as a wave of anxiety flows deep through me.
“I’m saying what we both already know.”
“But that was before we…we both said ‘I love you,’ ” I say, as if he needs to be reminded. “And then…even after all of that, you’re still stuck on the belief that we can’t be together? You can’t still think that way after everything that happened.”
“I don’t take back what we said or did that night”—he stalls, his eyes flitting across the empty hall before meeting mine—“but it can’t happen again.”
“What?” My heart drops. The emptiness following his words echoes inside and all around me. He’s slipping away.
“I’m sorry,” he says, sounding like he means it. “I really, really care about you, but I think this is what’s best.”
“Why is it you keep making these decisions for us?”
“Because somebody has to,” he says, the words coming out quickly. “You belong with someone like Theo, and if that’s where your heart lands, I won’t hold it against either of you.”
“Why are you doing this?” My eyes fill with tears, one blink away from releasing the geyser. “Why are you like this?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry that you told me you loved me? Or are you sorry that you ever got involved with me? Sorry that you let yourself get lost in a moment? What is it, John? What exactly are you sorry for?”
“This isn’t easy for me either,” he says, releasing a deep breath.
“Then stop making it so hard.”
“I’m trying to. We can’t keep doing this back-and-forth thing. This is me cutting the string. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” His jaw clenches as he stares into my eyes. Before I have a chance to respond, he turns and walks down the hall.
Shame grips me by the throat, making it hard to breathe. I let him in. I trusted him. I told him I loved him. And now he’s walking away.
I am so fucking stupid.